I lived at Philippines for 9 years with my mother. My father was in America during those 9 years working and living at mother's sister's apartment. He's Ilocano. I never really knew the guy, except the time he went on vacation and visited us in Philippines. He looked quiet and relaxed the first time I met him, but was still a stranger to me. He went back and after a year from his visit, we earned enough money to go to America. We lived in a 2 bedroom apartment and at that time my sister and I understood what kind of parent he is.
He was an authoritarian, the kind that values strict discipline with no questions asked. Once he puts out the word, we have to obey without questions. Once his mind is set on something, it would take a hell of a lot of convincing to make him even question his own faults in his reasoning in which he lacks of. My sister and I were afraid of him, even my mother. We were afraid of getting hit by some person we hardly even know. Over the years, my sister and I have built up a locked door towards our father.
That door is pretty much locked till this day. Once in awhile, it would unlock and seem to open, but whatever we do, whatever we say, he manages to lock it back again. I'm now 20 years old, my sister is 18 and I still feel that he is still a stranger. I have tried to warm up to him because I know he will never try too. Every time I try too, he just does something that pisses me off. I cannot even talk to him without him criticizing, mocking, and raising his voice on me. In-fact, he won't let me talk to him at all without him making me feel like crap. Even if he does have something to say, it usually consists of him yelling and pointing his fingers, because to him, for everything that happens wrong, it's either mine or my sister's fault. The blame automatically points to us because he bases his conclusions on the fact that we're his kids and we're not good enough, thereforeeee putting the blame on us gives him a reason to erupt his volcanic head on his children so that he can remind himself and US how horrible we are.
My father is a hot-headed person and I've really gotten to understand his mentality. He fails to understand that we're mature young adults now and needs to ask himself how can you respect someone that doesn't respect you? The respect we have for him today is based on our fears that he instilled when we were young. At age 20, I have to protect my sister from my father and I have to protect myself from him as well. My sister and my father can't be in the same room for it will surely and most likely involve physical violence. I guess to him, yelling and spanking isn't enough anymore and for that reason he has to result in punching. I'm bigger than my father. I can overpower him easily. There are several incidents where he has punched me and I always choose to not fight back. I don't want to stoop down to his level for one day, when he's living in a health care home; he will regret everything he did to us and he will realize that I never held up my fist against him which makes me a better person than he is. Today, we just got into an argument which resulted in violence. I went down and said we both really need to talk. Acting immature and ignorant he beat me till I was in my room, refusing to listen to anything that will potentially patch things up. My first priority is to move out of this house so I can no longer see his face. I am ashamed of my father; I'm ashamed that his blood runs through mine. When I have kids of my own, I'm going to be someone that he has never been, a good father.
Sorry if the Rant was too long. I just found this forum and felt that it'd be a great place to take the load off my chest.
