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Solange

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  • Birthday 05/31/1980

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  1. ^ LOL ... I agree about the whole "worship" aspect. I didn't really look at it that way to be honest, but in a much gentler/ less stalkerish way.
  2. Oh I agree about the compliments, and that more of us should tell those we care about that we love them, WHAT we love about them, etc. I guess I just wonder how genuine it can be to compliment someone constantly. Could it really be? I think pedestals are great. I really want to be in the type of relationship where we both place each other on one. The deal is this: A girlfriend of mine is in a relationship with a guy who was a bit of a jerk for the first while they were dating. He was rude, distant, and pretty immature. Now, there is absolutely nothing that he won't do for her, he's constantly showering her with compliments and praise, wants to be with her 24/7, etc. I just wonder how people change so much in relationships, and what inspires those changes.
  3. I'm curious to get some opinions here. Anyone feel free to reply!! What are your opinions on compliments, in relationships. Specifically when your partner is always showering you with compliments. Constant praise. Also, do you think that people really change THAT much in relationships? Like for instance, at first being sort of closed-off and distant in the beginning to being overly affectionate and borderline clingy, say, a few years later? What causes this? I'm primarily interested in knowing what others would think if their boyfriend/ girlfriend was constantly complimenting and praising them. Not at all a complaint, but a conversation I had with girlfriends last week ...
  4. Thanks for your feedback DN (was quick too!). To be totally honest with you, I think I've tried just about every friendly approach there is, phrased things respectfully, etc. Oh, and I don't think that I've ever in my entire life said, "we need to talk". Looking back at my relationship history, I only start pushing someone away until I get so annoyed with the events that it's really my only choice: retreat, or be annoyed. I understand what you're saying about making a person want to do things, rather than just asking them to. At this point though, I think it has just gone a bit too far, to a point where I just can't put in that kind of effort anymore. I'm not mentally/ emotionally capable, if that makes sense.
  5. ... in serious relationships, to their women. And just to set the record straight, I'm sure that many men DO listen. I just seem to be finding the ones who don't. This is the first time in my life that I've been completely indifferent about a love-related situation. For the past six months, I've felt that my relationship has lost something, and no matter how I try to get it back, it just isn't helping. When I try to discuss/ communicate with my boyfriend about it, he behaves in the same way every time afterwards. Goes a bit like this: - I bring something up that is bothering me. - He'll usually sympathize and agree. - We'll talk at-lenth about possible solutions, and I end up feeling a bit better. - A week later he has completely forgotten about our conversation and nothing, absolutely NOTHING, has changed. This has been an ongoing cycle for a long time. Here's how it is: For the first two (been together for three) years, I was very passionate, sexually adventurous, romantic, and outgoing. I've slowly been realizing that most of the gestures associated with those traits have been coming from me. It's rare that he surprises me and isn't 100% predictable, he has become sexually robotic (when we were first together I remember being wild in this area - I'd 'go down' on him about 5 times a week - that was until I realized that he did it [well] about once a month). I've also been listening to him gripe and moan over his career for over a year, I've been there for him unconditionally, until a few weeks ago I'd had enough of his negativity and told him to grow up (nicely). However, I find that when I need to talk about something, that his eyes have started glazing over. It feels like everything has been about him. His needs. All him. Like I'm taking care of a child. When I try to tell him that I'm starting to lose patience, or that I'm getting bored, he tells me that I'm "making things up". I'm being "emotional or PMSing". He sees nothing wrong with our sex life (even though what was once passionate has become a mundane exercise for me). I've gotten to a point that I am borderline asexual because I anticipate disappointment. I'd rather just hang out alone than be with him, as I don't have to worry or think about anything. When we have one of these discussions and it goes nowhere, it's like he just doesn't GET IT and still wants to hang out as if nothing happened! Like he didn't hear a word of what I said. I'll talk to him about these things, and he'll say something like, "so, are we going to spend ANY time together tonight?". Ummm, HELLO!!! I'd really appreciate some advice. I know I'm all over the place, and apologize. I'm just getting to a point where I want something to change, or I am going to have to leave - soon. When I used to look at him, I'd melt. Now I find myself pulling away and just not even wanting to deal with it anymore. Nothing helps because he just DOESN'T LISTEN!
  6. I feel like this may be the last time that I will, or can, ask for advice about my relationship. I've really gotten to a point that I just don't know how to deal anymore, I don't even know if it's me or him causing the major problems, and I don't know what to say or how to say it to make things better. All I know is, even after two not-so-smooth years, I still love him completely, am attracted to him, and can't imagine life without him. I'm going to make this as short as possible, even though I could probably go on and on forever. I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read this, and know that any help is appreciated and will be considered. My long-term boyfriend and I have met many obstacles during our relationship. We are both in our mid-twenties and have lived together for about a year. I'm a student and he is in the beginning of what will probably be a very sucessful career. In the past year, he's been under an incredible amount of stress, and has worked almost every day with only a 2 weeks off (in December and July). Otherwise, he would usually be working 7 days a week. Things have gotten a bit better in that area, he has a bit more time for himself. A couple of months ago, we went through a really hard time. He even became very emotionally/ verbally abusive and would ignore me for days at a time. We got past that, but I do find it difficult to forget the pain I felt during those situations, and sometimes worry that the same behaviour will resurface. Sometimes, it does, but not to the extent it did two months ago. My main issue is the nature of our arugments. He has a tendency to be extremely hurtful, and I've told him this. He seems to find a way to justify it by saying something like, "well YOU do this", and so forth. I know that I am not innocent, the truth is that I probably do things to anger him, but the way he is with me when we argue is literally heartbreaking. He'll say things like, "I'd rather work 24 hours a day than be here with you feeling like crap". I've stuck with him through the most stressful time of his life, understood every mood and tried to be 100% supportive. I know how busy and stressed he is, so I cook the meals, do the grocery shopping, make sure the place is neat and clean, and always listen to him when he gets home. He doesn't seem to understand that I do this FOR HIM, nor does he even seem to care or appreciate it. Sometimes when we argue, I get upset. I can't help it, even though I really wish I could. When I do, he never tries to calm down or comfort me. Whenever he's cried (which has only been a couple of times), I've not left his side - even if I've been really mad at him. Sometimes when I get upset, he seems to feed off of it. He even smirks sometimes, and when I ask him how he could smile, he denies it (like I can't see it on his face?). Sometimes I worry that he likes to see me cry because he feels he has more control over me that way. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I honestly don't even know anymore. He just seems to get colder and more harsh when he sees that I'm hurt. Even though I've explained this to him, it doesn't change. The most of the time, we'll just retreat to separate corners until we can't stay mad anymore, and pretend it never happened, even though I can still feel it, still hear the harsh words spoken, and remember how terrible I felt. Sometimes he's so cold that it seems like he doesn't care at all about my feelings, or even me in general. He'll tell me that it's "okay" to be friends with this one guy I know, but makes constant sarcastic remarks about him and seems to resent the fact that he calls (which has been twice ever), or that I see him at all (the guy lives with his girlfriend, I used to work with him and we have always had a strictly friendly relationship, I want nothing more than that and never have!). Why tell me it's "okay", then make me pay for it when I communicate with the guy? He says that I'm the one who is jealous and insecure because he took off the other day for like two hours, when he got home I asked where he went and he said "I went for a drive". Later on he said that he went to meet a former male classmate. Why not just say that in the first place then? It seems to be perfectly fine for my boyfriend to act jealous and suspicious of NOTHING (he's met the guy and has even been invited to BBQs at his house), but if I ask, let's just say that it's not terribly well-received. Then, I think back to everything good about him. He was there for me when I needed to move out of an unsafe apartment 2 years ago, helped me move the whole apartment (this was when we were only first dating too), he stuck by me through some financial difficulties and helped me with debts, and is the only guy I've ever truly loved. How can a person be so helpful and good in one way, but change into something I want to run and hide from when we get into an argument? How can a person go from being someone you love and trust, to being a dismissive, scary jerk? I really need some help. I've never been so lost or confused in my entire life. We've already done "the break", and it helped for a while. I want to just talk openly about this with him, but I'm afraid of another brawl. I haven't been sleeping well or eating properly for the past week, and he knows that something is wrong. He asks, and I want to talk to him, but the words won't come out. Last night I couldn't sleep and neither could he, and he kept rolling over and hugging me really tight, like he just knows that I'm contemplating him and what we have altogether. He tells me that "he's worried" about me because I'm distant, he seems genuine and wants me to just "be happy" and resolve things, but I don't know if I can this time. Has anyone ever just gotten to a point where you hurt too much to go back? I really want to resolve things, but when I try to speak, I can't even think of where to start or what to say. I'm worried that I may be at that point.
  7. Thanks for the replies everyone. And to Annie: I know for a fact that he would never go for the whole 'official document' thing. Plus, if I we have to result to something like that, going to a notary (which is basically a lawyer) and such, that we're headed for some seriously hard times in the future. I just don't think that we should even be together if we can't just work something out without signing something. You mean in the sense that he would have even more control over the relationship by me being fired and having to depend on him completely?
  8. Wow, thanks for the super-quick reply DN! Unfortunately, I'm really doing the best I can right now. I live in a city away from family (they don't have the money to lend), so I'm paying rent, bills, food, transportation, etc. It's tough to come up with thousands of dollars, even though I'd like to be able to. I don't get why he would offer to do it in the first place if it was going to be such an issue. I've made every single payment without question, and will continue to do so.
  9. I've received some really good advice on this site before, and I really appreciate it. Sometimes it really helps to have an outside opinion for tough relationship situations (even though we usually end up NOT taking the advice, lol). Here's the thing: My man has a habit of bring up (more like throwing-in-the-face type of thing) things having to do with money when we argue (out of nowhere). I've been working really hard to pay off school debts, but not fast enough. For any of you who've been in debt with the bank, they usually don't want to hear about your problems/ don't care. Anyhow, my boyfriend helped me out financially and co-signed for a loan so that I could get everything paid off. This is something that I did not ask him to do, but was trying to figure things out on my own. He offered to help, saying that he trusted that I would be responsible. I've upheld my end of the bargain for the past two months. What's been bothering me, is that I'm starting to wonder whether or not he only agreed to do this to have control over me. The reason I've suspected this, is because every time we get into an argument now, he says something like, "it's okay, just leave me with your debt" (which I would NEVER do). Last night, I was tired after working on my feet for 7 hours, and he started in on me about the whole debt thing again. I can understand his need to discuss it, but even after I had told him that I was exhausted, he persisted. Again, he said "I've had to cover for you, you're so immature, and are probably going to end up screwing me on this" (or something like that). It hurts to hear things like this, especially when I work my butt off at a not-so-great job that leaves me totally spent 6 days a week, just so I can keep up every payment. I'm getting tired of him throwing his "good deed" in my face, every time we scuffle about something completely unrelated. I obviously have nothing to say in defense, because it's true; he DID help. But why bring it up twice a week? To make me feel like crap? I don't get it.
  10. Thanks for your replies guys. Beec, we have tried what you suggested several times. I know what you're saying too, about the "grinding motion", but I try not to do that since it hurts a bit anyhow. It's just weird I guess, that after almost 2 years of dating that he still gets "nervous". Well, maybe that's not what it is, but it seems to be more psychological than physical. We have a very honest and communicative relationship in and out of the bedroom, and he isn't shy to tell me what he likes otherwise. He promises that "it's him" and not me.
  11. My boyfriend can't stay hard when I go on top, even though I really like the position. There are times that he can stay hard, but most of the time he goes partly soft. When he's on top there are never problems in that area. Could this be an issue of him needing control in the bedroom? Could it be nerves? He's said that he sometimes worries that he will go soft, and that I'll get angry (which I never would). I've already asked him if there is a certain way that he likes it, but he says it has "nothing to do with me". Should I be worried?
  12. Hey everyone, I just wanted to say "thank you" and that I appreciate you taking time out of your day to help me out - and it REALLY HAS! Here is a bit of an update: He just told me that he bought us 2 tickets to the Caribbean for Christmas, and doesn't mind paying for me because he knows that I'm much poorer than he is! lol He really needed a vacation because he is a workaholic and goes to school full-time. I told him that he should go with a friend or someone who could afford it, but he said that he only wanted to go if it was with me. Sometimes I think that I'm crazy in feeling the way that I do. He spends 99% of his spare time with me, and is sometimes too affectionate (kind of needy actually, haha). It's just these stupid comments that he has a tendency to make that will stick with me for a long time and make it really hard for me to trust. I guess it's only time that tells with situations like these. Thanks again everyone!
  13. Hi everyone. I just want to say thanks in advance for any insight you can give on my situation. I really need some advice. I've been dating my boyfriend (who is 23) for a 1.5 years. I love him dearly. His last serious relationship was in high school several years ago. The problem is that when we first started dating, he was a real jerk, made a lot of stupid comments about wanting other girls (after we were together), flirting in front of me, etc. After being together for about 4-5 months, he really did change and stopped those things. However, he still makes these 'random' comments that cause me to question our relationship again. I spent a couple of months in another part of the country, and a week before I came back to be with him, he made a comment that I haven't been able to forget. He was going to a party with some friends and I joked, "don't end up with any girls tonight", to which he replied, "nah, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't". It wasn't really the response I was looking for. Also, he told me that he wasn't going to sleep at that house (his friend's house), but he ended up sleeping there anyway. Then I was looking through some pictures of his friends' and saw a picture of him with his arm around some girl - one he made comments about in the beginning of our relationship. When I brought this up last night (because I couldn't hold back anymore), he got really angry and seemed insulted that I would accuse him of something like that. Another situation was about 2 months ago. I found some porn sites on the computer, which don't really bother me, but when I asked him about it he said, "I'm sorry you saw that". Sorry I saw it? What else is he hiding? It feels like as soon as I start trusting him and putting 100% faith in him, something happens. I have to start all over. He does a lot for me, pays the utilities, takes me out wherever I want to go, and spends all of his spare time with me. He even told me that he 'doesn't need' a lot of friends and that he just needs me. But my lack of trust for him is making me question things constantly! Please help! Am I just being overly sensitive and paranoid?
  14. Sayer - your ex sounds like a total nightmare! As bad as it sounds, it's good that him going out and getting drunk rather than spending his time by your side actually showed you who he really was. I'm sorry, but he should have been there, and if my boyfriend did something like that, I would know right away what a jerk he was. It's just too bad that it took something that extreme to show you. And the incident with the girl's dress? I would have walked out of there and away from him. My boyfriend really isn't a bad person at all. He's still interested in sex and is always very affectionate, but it's hard for me to receive it because he's so moody all the time. Sometimes he's in a great mood and up for anything, but those times are few and far between these days. For me, my worry is the frequent grumpiness and the lack of conversation. Any other ideas?
  15. Hello all. I wanted to ask a relationship of everyone out there who may have encountered the same feelings. I'm not sure if this is a stage of my relationship that I'm going through or not, but whatever it is, it's scaring me to death. I've always been totally sure of my feelings for my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, and never questioned that he was 'the one'. Lately, that all feels strange for some reason. Our sex life has declined from about 5 times a week to maybe once, and when we kiss now it sometimes doesn't feel like it used to. He is still very affectionate, always hugging and kissing me, telling me he loves me. I know I mean the world to him and am the most important person in his life, and a month ago I could have said the same thing. Now when I know I'm going to see him I don't even feel happy about it because I know how quiet, irritable and grumpy he's going to be. Also, he makes a lot of silly (and sometimes offensive) comments which usually I'll take as jokes (he says that's how they're intended), but lately I find myself resenting his lack of respect, maturity and tact. It's gotten to a point that I can't even tell when he's serious and when he's kidding. He also has a tendency to be very critial of other people and hurtful sometimes. Even his best friend of like 6 years has told me that he doesn't like talking to him anymore, because all he gets is rude and coldness from him. By the way, we've lived together for about 8 months. It's been pretty good since we're both pretty busy, and love to spend most of our spare time together. He's been very busy with a lot of things lately and doesn't have a lot of time for me (like he used to), but I know he tries his best and spends as much time with me as he can. As a result of being tired and overworked, he is very withdrawn, quiet and cranky sometimes, when he used to be very outgoing with me and a great conversationalist. Also, I feel that because I am no longer able to connect with him through what used to be great long conversations, that I don't feel as intimate with him as I did. I've expressed this to him and he feels that he still makes an effort, which he does to some extent. He'll say, "but I'm listening", but never really participates in any conversations that don't have something to do with his own life or things he does with work or school. I feel like the only time he'll really talk to me is when it has something to do with him. I've discussed this also, but he tends to get defensive and say things like, "I try my best to be there for you". It's not really that I don't think he's there for me, but more that he's less and less like the man I fell in love with every single day. He's also almost totally withdrawn from his friends for work and school and usually just wants to hang out with me. I love that he wants to spend his free time with me, but it worries me a bit that he isn't as comitted to maintaining his friendships. He said a couple of weeks ago, "I don't even need to have friends around right now, all I want is you". Sorry for the long post, but I really need someone to give me some advice. Could this just be a phase of my relationship? Is it normal around 1 1/2 years? The reason it's scaring me is because I've always felt very intensely and passionately for this man, and even when I've been furious with him, I still knew that I would never leave. Lately though, I feel like we're growing apart emotionally and don't know how to stop it. In fact, things are getting so boring and lifeless that I'm not even sure if they can get any better. I've tried talking to him about everything in a very calm and respectful manner, respecting and understanding his efforts towards school and work, but things just seem to get worse all the time!! Please help!!
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