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marshmallow107

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  1. Very wise words dancingfool - and ones I think I needed to hear. Thank you xx
  2. Thank you Katrina. And thank you for all the Advice. I am listening to you and it has made me think...I really do appreciate it. One day at a time moving forwards now. I will keep you updated x x
  3. I have definitely tried to maintain the intensity of the dating stage. When real life kicked in we couldn’t maintain it. Given that I’ve not had a proper relationship in years...I think I started to panic. He maintained that it was not a reflection of his feelings changing, if anything his feelings were growing, but of real life kicking in and an inability to maintain the amount we were seeing each other/ staying up until the early hours/ going to work exhausted.
  4. Honestly...I always felt he was very present. That doesn’t mean it’s been perfect, of course it hasn’t. But we’ve always been very very open. If something was bothering me (e.g. wanting to see him more) He has always encouraged me to talk to him, and vice versa. Then it was dealt with, with no resentment or judging. Not what I’m used to at all. Guys in the past used to run a mile but, If anything, he has encouraged me to let my guard down and become very emotionally open worth him. There has been a shift in his behaviour since he changed his career and its certainly not his perfect situation yet so that is still hanging over him. This has meant he’s been a little more withdrawn than usual, and given that he’s always encouraged me to be open I have asked why and checked in that he is ok. He has always maintained that he’s very happy with me. So this has very much been a short term thing. Which has why it’s left me in a bit of a shock. He has always been very interested in my story. He knows I’ve been treated badly in the past and that I’ve been hurt. He’s always made me feel very secure. All I know at the moment is that I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ve definitely become a little more guarded around him. And I’m pretty sure he can sense that. But I need to know for sure that he’s still in this properly
  5. There were signs that there were certain aspects of his life that he was unhappy with but he has always maintained that he’s been very happy with me up until now. There are things he has wanted to change....his job, his working pattern, his salary, him always being tired because of that. But he always said that he was very happy with me and our relationship. He said that our relationship has urged him to make some big changes with the things he is unhappy with in his life and plan more for the future which I sense is what he meant by ‘my life is a bit of a mess at the moment.’ His job played a big part in the amount of time he was ‘available’ to spend with his ex (as did hers) and he has always said that going forward he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes again. He’s had a few stressful, big decisions to make over the past couple of months. I think he became a little more withdrawn and I think that shook me up a bit and made me question whether it was about me. And in return from me questioning it, I think it’s made him ask some questions too. But after airing those questions he then said he does want this to continue...I think he just wishes he’s already made these changes before he had met me. This is a man who tends to have an incredibly positive outlook on life but he has really shaken that up.
  6. He is choosing the 2 year route because his main priority was getting space from her and focusing on healing. Did to the reasons for the split he absolutely is not at fault... and for technical reasons neither is she. He is ready to be divorced, especially now he has met me which is why he says he called her to discuss it once me and him started to take off, after not speaking to her for a year. As there’s not much longer left I don’t think it really makes a huge amount of difference now. I have spoken to him about how he feels about the divorce and he says he is very ready for it and just sees it as a legality now. The hard work was getting space from her and healing emotionally. Those are his words anyway
  7. Hi all, I can’t write a long reply now, I will write properly later. But I wanted to clear something up. His marriage crumbled not through any fault of his own or down to his lack of commitment. Let’s just say, without quoting specifics, that his wife had a ‘lifestyle’ change. She left him once she realised this
  8. Thanks cat feeder. Do you really think it’s impossible to move on whilst you’re still married? Even if it’s for technical reasons? Everything that he has shown me up until now has given me the impression that he was ready and does want this. And of course this wobble has made me rethink that and hope that what we have had so far has been real and true. But I dunno, I totally totally hear what you’re saying, but on the other hand I’m also reluctant to throw this away. Also... I have never had a relationship like this before. For the past 10 years I’ve been treated badly. This guy treats me well...with respect, honesty and openness. I don’t doubt that we need to find whether our balance works and whether he’s ready to give me what I want/need from a relationship but I’m reluctant to just close the door on something that could also be so ‘right’
  9. This is just like the kind of advice I would give out and I know It’s spot on so thank you. Guess it’s easier than I realised to get carried away with the excitement.
  10. Thank you! I will. He’s certainly trying to be very communicative at the moment. I’m just going to take it one day at a time x
  11. To be fair he has actually said that he is very much committed to this. But that’s because he’s a very loyal person. I do however think you may be right with the hanging on to being single thing...but not because he wants to be with other people. Because he wants to be able to be selfish with his time. Which I guess is where the balance comes in. And yes, you’re all spot on and have really made me think. Hopefully taking my foot off of the pedal a bit and reclaiming my independence will hopefully help with that. As will just having trust in believing that what is meant to be will be I guess
  12. Completely understand this. I think this arises from the fact that for the first few months, he was the one pushing to see me all the time. I was the one slowing it down for the first month but then in time I started to enjoy it and I guess I got used to a certain level of contact. For the few months after that we were on the same wavelength. Deep down I know we can’t keep that up. You know...The early stages of talking until the early hours and being knackered the next day at work...but it doesn’t matter because you’re so high on the adrenaline of it all! There was a definite shift when the honeymoon period wore off and We have probably switched roles. What I am definitely getting from all of this is that, regardless of the reason, the best way forward is to create space. The question is how much space is the right amount of space...?
  13. Yeah I have also always been a bit of a ‘Disney romantic’ at heart (as I like to call it!). However I’m also very aware and have had enough experiences to know that...well....relationships just aren’t like that!
  14. I am definitely giving it space. I have needed to so that I am able to reflect on my own emotions surrounding this. The advice on here has really helped me though so thank you. I have heard from him a couple of times this evening. I’m meant to be seeing him tomorrow but then I am away for the weekend so that will probably be good for us both
  15. Katrina - I have honestly just spent the last half an hour or so reflecting on what you have said and I honestly feel like I’ve had a breakthrough in my thinking. I think when the shift happened from dating to relationship and real life kicked in I was still in that excited ‘honeymoon period’ mode. Realistically I’m still working out what I want and need from a relationship because, to be honest, it has been SUCH a long time since I have been in one. He however knows exactly how he fitted into his last one and now we are trying to find the right balance going forwards. We have clashed a bit because (as he put it) we are still working out what our dynamic together is. I think we are both willing to compromise enough to make it work. I think we both also bring some emotional pain to what we have together...him from his separation, mine from not feeling good enough to be anyone’s girlfriend for the past 10 years. But then who in their 30s doesn’t have some pain in their past?
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