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Stari

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  1. The thought of suicide as a solution is NOT an irrational conclusion. But it's probably a conclusion based on too negatively filtered data. The suicidal person probably feel trapped in a perceived negative spiral that doesn't provide them with rewards, only draining their energy. The depressed person may turn suicidal when the lack of rewards has in time made them exhausted, making every little task feel almost unsurmountable. Even if the suicidal person is aware of possibly benefitting actions, the effort of requesting an application form and filling it in can be daunting. Yes, at this stage the suicidal person is selfish. This is understandable since the suicidal person may be struggling for their life and will have less focus on other people at that critical moment. I personally felt like being stuck in quicksand up to my neck and still sinking; Panic set in. I estimated coping time to be...at most a couple of months. I contacted aquintances for support, to throw me a rope. But instead the aquintances were unattracted by my negative outlook and they withdrew. Disappointment. The turn-around: I had a dream of my own funeral. I was lying in my closed coffin, first person perspective, which was lowered into to pit. After the pit was filled above me I started to panic. I thought: "Wait, I don't want to die." I made a giant leap upwards, through the mass, towards the surface while thinking "I want to Liiiiiiive!". But I couldn't reach the surface. I was drowning. I held my breath. One second. Two second. Woke up, taking a deep breath. The dream lingered: "I want to live". I realised that I really didn't want to die. So thereforeeee I should stop thinking about suicide as a solution because apparently it was not what I wanted anyway. But that realisation was not met with relief: "Darn, if I don't want to die that means that I will have to live through this s h i t". And to find the energy to live through, I started thinking about what I actually enjoyed doing. I found one worthwhile project: To be able to exercise again. I had not been able to for a long time after an ancient injury so I contacted my GP to get a corrective operation done. Before a decision to operate would be made though, I needed to try a couple of months of physio therapy first. The physio therapist asked me what my goal after the two months was to which I replied: "To still be alive". Four months later I could exercise again and even I realised that the depression had lifted. But other people noted that my mood had improved after only a few weeks of physio therapy. Over time, my coping time went from from two months to two years to indefinitely. Doing one thing they love may be enough to lift depression, but it makes one vulnerable if that power source is taken away for some reason. It's good to identify and try to do other things that immediately puts one in a good mood. I hope sharing my own experience can be helpful for others. Stari
  2. Hi there, Your situation sounds all too familiar. My ex mentioned that the back and forward made her exhausted. Do not respond to him. Do No Contact. Try not to feel bad for doing NC. You don't wish him bad things in life. You recognise that there were good things about your ex; Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten back a second time. But being a good match in some aspects might not be enough when other things are lacking. You are right, a good match will not put you on a roller-coaster. It's a past chapter for you.
  3. I don't feel a need defend myself, after all this thread is not about me. But I got a feeling that you didn't grasp what I tried to help you with. So I will try again: I think I see your point. The piece that is missing here is that we were not close and had not really spent any amount of time together. The few instances we met I smiled back while I was still considering if she was a no-go. (I would likely do the same today since a good mood is contagious.) I agree I would have led her on, had I known she was romantically interested. I thought that maybe she just appreciates me being friendly and is friendly back without anything more to it. It's only with her sudden shift to cold that has made me think there probably was more to it. Back to the important person here: YOU. I still say you have a good quality since you get attention. As Batya wrote, it's good to stay positive. Remembering one's qualities helps to stay upbeat. Now THAT sounds like someone's pride has been hurt.
  4. Take pride in that you must have a good quality since he is friendly to you. A woman I have been friendly to has recently turned cold towards me and I suspect that it could be because I haven't made a move at her. In the past I have considered acting, but she is overweight where the bonus weight is around her tummy, which unfortunately is a turn off to me. However, despite her weight, I still thought that she was a bit pretty so my friendliness was my way of complimenting her on that. Getting one's hopes up is what messed it up. So ask out the guy you're interested in.
  5. I remember when I felt there was no possible way out of getting out of a bad situation. I felt that I wasn't sure if I would survive two months because the situation felt unbearable. But here I am, years later and can conclude that I was wrong at the time; There really was help. I suspect that none of my words have made any difference to you. So this is what I say: Ending it a week from now will be as good as today. You have the strength to wait a week. In the meantime go visit the emergency at the local hospital or visit any other medical doctor. You are going through a really tough time and they can help you.
  6. How motivating is it to make a big effort for a specific day if anything less is met with disappointment? I mean, when you made your previous arrangements, did your partner expect the effort you to made or was it a surprise? At least I feel more motivated to make an effort if it doesn't cause a disappointment if I don't. Does special actually mean 'memorable' = out of the ordinary. I hope your partner is special to you. So you partner arranges that you don't need to cook or wash-up. But I guess what you want is a memory to think back on during the next six months of baby sitting. This is funny thread, by the way. I chuckled while reading it. Romance... What is romance? I personally (I am a guy) lack a good understanding of this elusive concept but I let the following guide me: A sexual perspective to romance: "Romance is caring actions that doesn't lead to sex." Just intending not to lead to sex doesn't count, if it actually does lead to sex. A proverbial perspective to romance: "Women need a reason for having sex. Men need a place to have it." Romance is the reason. An evolutionary perspective to romance: For women to feel good about having sex, they need to feel reassured that the man will stay and help raise the resultant child. Caring actions by the man that doesn't lead to sex provides this reassurance in the woman. Men don't have this need of reassurance since they don't give childbirth (yet). I suspect that romance is not the same high-octanic fuel for men as it is for women, even though I admit it's nice to get a card saying "I think of you." Instead, what makes me go all silly and spur me into action, doing things for my object of affection is... ego-boosting compliments. This is potent stuff. On the contrary, if I keep on trying my very best but have not succeeded yet, this is a most sensitive moment for me. Driving and getting lost without asking for directions is a common example. My partner giving me a suggestion for an improvement will make me feel as though I have failed. The suggestion for improvement will cut like a knife to the bone. The sign for a woman to not give suggestions is that the man is silent and concentrated. A damp forehead is a give away as well. The right time to actually give suggestions is when the man is breaking the silence asking "what do you think?". Perhaps the above is only relevant to me and I happen to have a fragile ego. Back to the OP's partner. If he is really trying to make the evening special, signs of you not appreciating his efforts will, to put it mildly, not be met with enthusiasm. What to do? Take initiative yourself to make it a memorable occasion, preferably positive one. Then talk to your partner afterwards about yours and his expectations. Have a decent occasion together the two of you! /Stari
  7. i1dr expressed it well in his post above. Nice debut, i1dr, and welcome to ENA!
  8. Relationships break up all the time. Since your gf is actively choosing to allow the behaviour to continue (by not distancing herself from him) he might think that your relationship is on the rocks. Other guys that will show interest in your gf is only a threat to your relationship if your gf is unhappy in the relationship to begin with. This is not about other guys showing interest in your gf: It's about how devoted your gf is to you. If you fulfill her needs then you have done all you can do.
  9. I am all for voicing one's expectations. In my ears 'you should' means 'I am right and anyone who disagrees is wrong' . And since most people don't look favourably at having their opinion considered inferior in advance, saying 'you should' is a good recipe for conflict. Hosswhispra, thanks for the book tip. I look forward to reading it very soon.
  10. Yes, but I prefer to phrase it as being LOVING PARTNERS for the rest of your life.
  11. You sound secure in yourself. Keep it up. Don't break up with your bf yet. Because odds are the next guy would think your mum is gorgeous too. She is the female equivalent of Brad Pitt. The fact that your bf told you the truth, even though you didn't prefer the answer, tells me he has character. Feeling attraction is biologi and continuation of the species. But beauty is not the only thing that attracts me to person: Caring and laughing together are two things that to me are more important than my partner being incredibly beautiful. Take care
  12. And after all this she still wants to have contact with him?! Pash, you demonise the guy while failing to see that your little angel actively chooses to be in contact with the guy. She definitely gets something out of the contact. Now I only guessing but perhaps she feels safe and familiar in an abusive relationship. If that is the case, she will not appreciate a loving, drama-free relationship. In any case, this girl maintaining contact with the guy who still makes her feel bad occasionally, should be the signal for you to go find another woman. For the sake of your sanity.
  13. I think it's a major display of honesty, and thereforeeee character, if a person admits to having cheated on a previous partner. Since here can be no relationship without trust, I would recommend talking about the cheating until conclusion. After that is time to decide if you still can trust. If you can, drop the subject and doubts. Forever. Being suspicious will on its own cause the new relationship to end. If you cannot trust the person who cheated in the past and admitted it to you, get out. When I imagine being asked by a new partner if I cheated in past, I believe I would conclude that there isn't enough trust in this relationship for it to succeed.
  14. Dear Kleopatra71, No need for you to feel put off. I think there was misunderstanding. You are respectful in your post so I am happy to clear it out. Only I begin to wonder if my attempt at clarification will create new misunderstandings. Once immediately after I was rejected I thought that "What?! She should be happy that someone really cares for her inner qualities since she is no beauty!". But this was my hurt ego talking. The following week I waited for her to get over her phase of stupidity. After a week passed without hearing from her I concluded that she really wasn't being stupid but instead was not attracted to me. The woman in question was not overweight. However, when I first met her, I found her plain looking. Over time I grew to liked her a as person and trusted her completely. But at the time I didn't have any physical attraction to her. I wanted her in my life forever but did not know how to make that happen without being her partner. Still, I realised that she had the qualities of a girlfriend so I began trying to like her physically. When apart I thought "She is not THAT bad looking". But each time I met her I was disappointed by reality and couldn't help to think "Darn, why can't she be a little bit prettier?". I kept hoping that, in time, I would start to like her appearance. And after several months, she did yet another trust building thing to me. When I looked at her thereafter, I could not separate her physical appearance from her beautiful personality. And suddenly I found myself attracted to her physically. I began wooing her seriously after that. We had unforgettable dates. And when I finally declared to her my tender feelings, she rejected me. Ouch! So for short time my hurt ego thought "She will regret it. She is not pretty enough to attract devoted guys like me every day!". But life continued its course. My ego healed and has long since stopped waiting for her to realise her mistake. Hope that put my last line into the right context, Kleopatra.
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