After nearly four years of being single by my own choice, I had finally come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life and was content with the idea/realization. Yet not long ago something happens that I did not at all expect.
All the lights in the house were off aside from the television while she and I were watching Brotherhood of the Wolf (excellent movie by the way). I was thinking nothing of what was happening as she laid her head on my lap. (Seemed like a friend relaxing really nothing else), she'd had not quite a great day so I decided to comfort her a touch, just a simple measure really...running my fingers through her hair.
After a while of this she pulled my hand down onto her cheek (nothing thought), so I followed suit with the same type of motions, just soft touch on the face... Then she kisses my finger and it was like all the walls I had so cautiously built around myself came crashing down in one brilliant explosion of realization. I'm sure you can guess where things went from there...(get your mind out of the gutter, I don't move that fast
Things went on like this for about a week. Everynight that we saw eachother we became more heated and explorative, it was like two pieces of a puzzle that had finally been put together. (Yes I know, it all sounds fine and dandy...)
Now, she's gone for a while and I am haunted. I can not seem to get the thoughts out of my head, I can go into the living room and smell her hair when she's not even here. I see her face in my mind more vividly than I can see myself in the mirror, the memmories of her touch send nearly as much of a chilling rush through my skinn and viens as it did when she was here. My every waking and sleeping moment seems to be encompassed by her.
Sounds great eh?
Well... Not if it's something you don't want happening. For all intesive purposes she's gone till this summer and then at the end of the sumer for another few months (student). It's like I've cast myself to the position of tortured and for what? Even the worse for wear is (if you put any credit into astrology), I'm a Scorpio...meaning that if she asked me to wait, I would do so as faithfully as is humanly possible, on the other hand she is also a Scorpio so it is as if I have met my match and I did not want to.
I've had a few little relationships before, my most recent was a 3 year marriage in which my son was born, and that ended very badly. So I decided to close up shop and lock all my door (perverbial statement), wanting it to never happen again.
I'm not the kind who "dates" or goes out for a fling, I'll wait as long as it takes for the one I feel I could/would spend the rest of my life with but I do not want this...I don't want to fall in love with anyone, there are still too many holes in me, too many bruises and sore spots and I don't feel I have anything to offer someone again.
It's alot like a flashback, something you could and in all too many ways enjoy to no end yet at the same time something you don't want to happen.
Exquisite bliss and horrid torture at the same time...........
But how does one stop from falling for someone, how does one tell and convice themself that they do not want what they would nearly give life itself to have..........? I would give her nearly anything she asked for, but I can not give what I do not have and I am what I lack.