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Nebraskagirl14

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Nebraskagirl14 last won the day on August 19 2019

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  1. Thanks, Catfeeder!! I appreciate your support! I’m so happy to be free from this!! 🙂
  2. THANK YOU, Cherylyn! Thank you!!! This was a really tricky relationship because they say narcissists love bomb and then discard but she love bombed intermittently or just told me how much she appreciated me and then never discarded me, so she didn’t fit into the typical narcissist description. Thank you again, Cherylyn. Your reply made me feel sane.
  3. Thank you all so much for your responses. It’s been really hard. My life is certainly better without her in it, but we had some wonderful times, too and so it was confusing to me. When we first broke up, I was really devastated over, losing the relationship, particularly over not seeing her animals anymore with whom I have a wonderful relationship. As I’ve gotten distance from the relationship, I can truly see it for what it was. Thank you all again, very much.
  4. Thank you, Wiseman. I will do that. You’re right. I would rather not have to cut someone off, but she has proven to be far more toxic than I ever realized when I was in the relationship. Thank you again!
  5. I have never had to block anyone (well, one person) and so it isn’t natural to me, but you’re right. I need to do it. I’m upset that I let her get to me. I think what I need to get over is all of the people that she has convinced that she is completely good and stable and I am the problem. I don’t know why I care. None of them are my friends.
  6. Hi, all- I posted a few months ago about ending my relationship. Well, it took longer than I thought, but I ended it. I chose me. Here is where it gets confusing for me. When my partner was happy and taken care of by me, I was the best girlfriend ever in the world. If I brought up any needs or feelings that weren’t happy, she felt attacked and it was total anger and dismissing my feelings, gaslighting and blame shifting. She never took responsibility for being emotionally abusive, and denied the fact that it was emotionally abusive. She brought an ex of mine into the conversation, and said that she heard through a mutual friend that my ex agrees with her that a relationship with me is either amazing or completely hideous. She told me that I don’t work as hard as her or have as much ambition. She said I work part-rime when I don’t. She said, “I applaud that you are okay with your standard of living” and said there is a reason that SHE was able to buy a house (inferring that there is a reason that I haven’t been able to (aka. I don’t work hard). The truth of the matter is that she works in Tech and I work in education. She told me that she read all of our text messages to her psychologist and that her psychologist said there is nothing wrong with anything she said and there was absolutely no gaslighting. I know that none of this matters one iota, but I literally come out of the conversation questioning my reality. She has of course convinced all of her friends that she is the protagonist and I am the antagonist of this drama she has created and YET, she has come back twice now wanting to reconcile. Of course, I’m not having it, but instead of just not talking to her, I get triggered and feel like I have to defend myself against these phantom bullies that clearly think she is the good girlfriend and I was just unhealthy. I know I shouldn’t care but she really threw me off my game when she contacted me. I had been doing so well and I will brush it off. I was just wondering if anyone has been with someone like this and if what I wrote IS emotional abuse or am I off base?? Just the gaslighting is considered emotional abuse, I believe. It certainly was a toxic connection. The fact that she is wholehearted denying even being remotely rude to me is like mind-boggling. I have never in my life met or been with someone like this and so I have no experience with it and I hope I never do again. Thank you!
  7. 1000% agree. It felt to me from the very first post that this woman was not whatsoever ready to let go of the past and move forward. I’m not really sure why she fully participated in and even initiated the conversation and then is running away and he is taking responsibility. I think she just isn’t ready to be with someone else.
  8. Thanks, Boltnrun. Yes, I absolutely know this game. I have played it too many times.
  9. Thanks so much, Catfeeder. I really appreciate this coming from you. You are exactly right. This right here… “When you notice the lack of congruency, she blames you for having a problem. That backs you into a non-negotiable corner where your choices are to eat it or walk away.” That is our relationship in a nutshell. It has always been. If she does something hurtful and I address it, no matter how calmly or respectfully, she gets angry at me and turns it around and makes it about a problem with me. And I end up trying to smooth things over for something that originated with her hurtful behavior. Thanks again, Catfeeder. I have really needed the tough love from this group.
  10. You’re right. I just need to end it. She has far too many control issues and volatility and frankly, selfishness to be a good partner. Thank you, Batya.
  11. True. I haven’t ever threatened to leave before. That was the first time and it wasn’t a threat at the time. I actually said I was leaving. Clearly, I didn’t because she turned it around and said she wanted to actually do the work. And yes, it would be really nice if she was decent and respectful all the time. She is 99% of the time now. Then 1% of the time, she gets triggered and has a fit. So, I guess that is what I struggle with at this point.
  12. It’s true. I think it’s highly possible that I am rationalizing her behavior. I am not used to the hot and cold behavior. Rather than walk away, I just let it confuse me and made me question my own reality.
  13. So, I told her about a month ago that I was done. I wasn't going to be criticized and disrespected anymore. I was willing to lose her. I AM willing to lose her. After I told her I was leaving and why, she said, "I will do whatever it takes to make this work." Since then, she was completely different. She didn't criticize, she wasn't a jerk, she showed me and told me how much she appreciated me. She actually put energy into the relationship. Then, I had to address the "friend" situation and say I wasn't okay with it. When I address anything, she takes it as a personal attack. So, we have gotten into a few arguments in the last couple of months and yesterday, with the sex conversation, she did say that I was bullying her because that is exactly what she does when she is triggered. When I decide I'm going to leave, she is completely different, appreciative, etc. So, then I question myself. I was more recently single for three years and I have no problem being single. My biggest struggle is knowing when to let go. This is nothing new. It has always been my biggest issue. And the reason this situation is confusing to me that I don't always know if I'm being reasonable or not in my expectations. That's why I came back to ENA. I needed the straight up objective advice and I really appreciate it.
  14. She sucks at owning her ***, actually. There are moments when she is very reflective and will say things like, "When I get dysregulated, I blame you for things that aren't your fault." But no. She rarely owns up to anything she has done because she is convinced that I caused it. And yes, based on what you and Batya have said, I have rewarded her ***ty behavior many times by continuing to show up versus walk away. That was a hair-raising realization that made me kind of disgusted with myself for a time. Then, I pulled back my energy and falling all over myself to gain her approval, but I haven't walked away.
  15. I understand what you're saying, Batya. I would say that in the beginning of the relationship, I had fewer boundaries and was far more codependent. I have come a long way though. I no longer chase and I do want lasting love. I don't need emotional volatility and I certainly don't find it thrilling. It actually makes me feel very emotionally unsafe and therefore, not committed to the relationship. I can't commit to something that feels unsafe. The hard part for me is that yes, she has been really difficult, but, through my setting boundaries, she has changed quite a lot. Is it enough to build a healthy relationship? Likely not. And I agree that this amount of hurdles in a young relationship isn't promising. I have to say that this relationship has served a huge purpose in my life though. It has shown me what unhealthy patterns I still need to heal. I used to take *** that I no longer take, BUT, I do still show up for her and there are times when I know I should have walked away long ago and then other times when I wonder if it could work. In order for this relationship to thrive though, I have to do most of the work. That is not what I want. I do want an equal and loving partnership.
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