kittykitty

I don't want to contact you. But I do want to know if it was me or you. Or both. You were not perfect despite thinking that you were. You didn't let your guard down once but you sure worked hard to break mine down, and then take every ounce self esteem that I had just to turn around and view me as weak because I couldn't stay as strong as you thought I needed to be. You and your head games and manipulation, hot and cold behavior and convenient forgetfulness of your own actions. I'm just as much to blame and it hurts and is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to admit. You were emotionally unavailable. I was emotionally unavailable, trying to right the wrongs of the past. What a terrible combination we were. I let you walk all over my boundaries just so I could feel the crumbs of love that you gave when you felt like it. Who WAS that girl?

I miss you so damn much tonight

I miss you I'm trying not to and I'm trying to tell myself it really is over. I go back and forth with what you did wrong and what I did wrong and I just wish things were different. You've been NC for a week and you didn't reply to a message I sent and I want so badly for you to contact me. Alls I EVER needed from you was to say you were sorry, that you love me and you would try to understand me instead of judge.

If only you saw how much I was trying, if only you saw how much you were hurting me. Was it fear that held you back, that made you push me to my breaking point to see how strong I really was? Is the way you rationalize to keep you from hurting? You never once said you were sorry to me. You feel like if things didn't work out that I wasn't really in love with you, that it was just an infatuation. Is this how you justify it to yourself so you can move on? I DID love you. And I tried hard every day. There is only so much trying I could have done and when I started to feel so much pain I just couldn't do it anymore, I had to take care of myself again. But you know what? I forgive you. I know in my heart I loved you and I tried. But more importantly I know in my heart I love ME, nothing you can do or say can bring me down again - the love I have for myself is more important than what I felt for someone who could not accept me for me. That's all I need. I don't care what you tell yourself anymore, I'm sad that you can repress emotions and rationalize them because that only hurts you. You said that I was the problem, and that I have emotional issues. Well yes, my emotions got bad. I cried, I got upset, I got withdrawn but they were not "me" they were directly related to how I was treated by you day after day. If you can't see that it's your problem. Good luck with your next relationship because I am keeping my head held high, I know I'm an amazing person and have so much to offer.

I made a great dinner tonight and just kept thinking about how you would have complained about something or told me what I should do next time to make it better. I'm so sad and angry. What happened? Tomorrow is the anniversary of our first date, what happened to you? What made you start to judge everything about me and my life and treat me like I could never be good enough? Things could have been so good, you had NO right to judge me. I am an amazing person and if you can't see that then that's your problem. I hated the conflict, I hated the put downs or as you put it "advice to help me make myself a better person" but I'm lonely tonight. F**k you.