Funker1607306432

Any more thoughts on this? Thanks

Where to begin? I've been living with her for almost three years now. We met online in 1996 and finally met in the flesh in 1999. She moved from the midwest to live with me shortly thereafter. We are both now 25. I will refer to her as Mia. OK, so the problems. First of all, I have a daughter from a previous relationship. At the time Mia moved in with me (October 99), my daughter (then 2) was living far away with my ex. In November of that same year, Mia went home for a month to be with her family during the holidays. The same day that Mia left to go home, my ex called me at work to let me know that she no longer wished to raise our daughter and that she would be sending her back up to NJ asap. So, I first spoke with my parents who agreed to take in my daughter while I get my life together and solidify my career. When I told Mia, she freaked at first, but then was relieved that my parents would have her. Once Mia returned to NJ with me however, it soon started to get very stressful. Mia resented anytime I spent with my daughter and repeatedly told me how she wished I never had had a kid. The issue with my daughter is one part of the problems Mia and I have. The second issue involves her and more routine things. For instance, she flat out refuses to do certain chores like dishwashing or taking out trash. Also, in the almost threee years together, she has worked all of maybe 2 months! Now, there was a period of 8 months where she was attending computer school, so I didn't mind that she wasn't working then. But, the other time where she was not working, she was not even taking care of the home. When I got home each night, she would complain how the place is a mess. And I'd would just blank out in astonishment. She wouldn't even take care of the place when I was working all damn day, yet would want me to when I got home from work. As time went on, I began to feel more and more like a parent to Mia then a boyfriend! In the summer of 2000, she asked me to identify myself to my daughter as an uncle instead of as her father. Within a week of that request Mia and I got into some big fights and I told her that I cannot live a lie and that I would not do that. So she tells me that if I don't do that, then she would leave. I told her to do what she needs to do. So, she left in August of 2000. About a week or two later, she was calling me telling me that she was ready to accept my daughter and that she would not stand in the way of my relationship with my daughter. I told her flat out that if she was to return she must agree to the following A) accepting my daughter and not interfering with our relationship B) either has to get a job or go to school (if college she is to live on campus) C) she needs to start taking care of our place and D) in general she needs to put as much energy into the relationship in general as I do! I told her it's gotta be 50/50 or damn close to it. So she agreed to all of this and moved back in Spetember of 2000. When she first got back everything seemed to be going well for the first 4-6 weeks. She spent time with my daughter and I and she even got a job. She also contributed around the house somewhat. Sometime in Novemeber of that same year, things started to collapse again. She no longer wanted to be around my daughter so much and she quit her job. I was steaming, but I just couldn't let go as I had promised myself I would have if she were to break our agreements. So, here I am nearly 2 years after that time. Nothing much has changed really. She did go to computer school and and recently got a part time job which she quit within two weeks. I sometimes almost feel sorry for her; I think she needs some help because she just doesn't seem very functional. I have tried to help her, but nothing has changed really. I know much of this is my own fault as I am so scared of losing her, and the fear of that prevents me from ever sitting down with her and letting her know what I expect from the relationship. It;s almost as if she has full reign on how this relationship goes. And I think that is what she wants, near total control. I know I need to talk to her, but I am almost certain that when I tell her how I feel and what I need, she will leave or try to spin everything to make me feel at fault and make me feel like I am not doing enough. Do I just need to grow a spine and tell her how it is, or what? Help!