Hello everyone,
Not even sure where to begin. I am a male in my early forties.
I look around at other people and wonder how they do it. Why do I seem so alone, so different?
Lately I've been getting almost panicy sometimes when I think about my life and where I'm at for my age.
No children, no wife or girlfriend, a so-so job that isn't really what I want to be doing the rest of my life and not a lot of clues as to what to do next.
Sometimes I feel like I have wasted my life and I have to start over now, re-make myself, but it's so difficult to know where to start and I am tired.
I only had one serious girfriend in my life and that was about two years ago. We were together for about three years but it was difficult keeping it together (off again-on again romance) and finally we parted.
I really feel like I tried my best to keep her happy but it seems like all she cared about was herself. It felt like the total responsibility for keeping the relationship alive was up to me. I payed for everything all the time, did all the driving, etc. I also was totally honest with her about who I was, what I wanted and offered ideas as to what our life could be together, direction/goals for us to accomplish together. Now all I got out of it is a lot of sexual experiences and a sad heart. I thought she was the one, my one and only true love, my destiny. What a disaster.
She had some friend of hers hook her up with this rich guy, but when it didn't work out she came back to me. It was a constant roller coaster ride and she would go from one day wanting to be together and being nice to the next day saying we were to different and wanting to break up.
I was too nice maybe, to much of a doormat I guess. I am not slanting this or fabricating, I could write much, much more about all the crazy stuff she put me through. Here's an example: when we first met she said she never wanted children from the time she was 13. Then after we were together a month she wanted to have a child with me, said she would never get an abortion.
We tried to have a child but after 3 months of trying she didn't get pregnant so now she didn't want a child anymore. I was devastated after being so very happy to be with a woman I loved and us wanting a child together. Our sex life was very good by the way. I am very attentive and would always put her satisfaction in bed first.
Anyway, that's as serious a relationship as I've ever been in. I am always searching for a woman and adore woman. Sometimes when I see a lovely couple together it hurts me, wishing could have that too. I've always been the romantic type and dream of a siutation where my wife and I share everything, always put the other person first and are together constantly, we work together, maybe run a business together or something and totally get along.
I am not very aggressive though, and find it hard to meet woman. I am a total failure at being able to go up and talk to a strange woman on the street or in a grocery store. Much as I wish it were otherwise, I just don't seem to have the "gift" that some people possess.
I am a reasonably good looking person so I know that's not the problem. Seems like my personality is the biggest problem. It's tough not to just get more and more cynical and negative with time. I hate that yet it seems like that's where I am getting sucked into. It's like I can't take control of my own life or something. Unable to master my self, my emotions.
Now I am pretty much alone except for my brothers and sisters, mother, etc. Not many real friends. Kind of a loner type and always have been.
Being alone has it's benefits but sometimes it scares me. Yet it's tough to talk to people. Like it's hard to concentrate or listen to what they are saying, mostly just trivial boring repetition.
A few months ago I met a girl about half my age that I was starngely drawn to. We met at a dance when i was in a band playing drums. (I quit the band because I got tired of it, lot's of BS, don't care for the bar scene.)
Anyway I really liked her she was very friendly and I thought she liked me. She said to stop by her place for a couple beers so I did. I was totally taken by her or maybe I was just very lonely. A little of both I suppose. We cuddled and kissed all night and I was in heaven. I did not try to have sex because I didn't want to go that far right away, was worried it was to soon. I really thought she liked me but as it turns out she says she doesn't want to get serious with anyone.
We have been in contact for the last few months, just talking once in a while. Damn I get so lonely wishing I could hold her again but she won't let me kiss her or anything now. Just wants to be friends. She great though and I feel like I do love her. I sent her flowers and gifts and she said nobody ever gave her flowers before. It made me very happen to think I was the first one.
Unfortunately I don't get to see her that much as she's very social, lot's of friends and hard to hook up with.
So most of the time I am just lonely. Lately I have been wondering if there is something wrong with me when it comes to women. I even tired to understand woman better by putting myself in their place and imagine being a woman and making love with a man. More and more I have been entertaining myself with sexual fantasies of this sort, putting myself in the female role and being with a man sexually in my imagination.
I really don't like this as it feels like I may be damaging myself or something by pretending to be a woman when I'm a man. it's like I'm giving up being a man or something, like it just brings me grief with the woman I have so very much wanted to be with in the past.
I am struggling to fend off these fantasies as the more I do it, it feels like an "addiction" almost.
I apologize for such a long rambling story. I'm just reaslly confused and desperastley in search of some inspiration, motivation, vibrancy, passion, direction life, but feeling lifeless.
