Argus

I am in a new place, everything is new, the smell is new, very few things I own remember of my "old" self from last days. I am needy. I am pathetic. I want love, a warm place and someone to hold me and love me unconditionally. I am sick and tired of hurting. Yet, I still hurt. I drink and I smoke. How can som epeople just be together and have a life and a family and I can't make it happen. Maybe I'm choosing the wrong girls. Maybe I'm faulty. sometimes I think oh my God, I lost everything. Sometimes I am full of hope, thinking about new beginings. I don't want a new beginning after another. I want the good old boring family, I need someone who won't back away, who understand s that long term means also effort and perseverence, not only butterfly in the stomach. I am so low I never was before. I search for something to hold on, something that will help me not to loose myself from myself. I am both on the right path and on the most painful road. Why so much pain. Why can't I be like other people who simply look for themselves and don't give a f@#$ about others. Why I am built to hurt. Right now I feel like there's nothing for me, no one will accept me as a close friend let alone partner. I know I'm lame and that I', rambling here. Please call, please write and tell me that you love me and everything will be ok. I want back. There's simply nothing in the world to justify this pain. Just stop. Please stop.

The worst time for me is around 3 pm, i miss you so bad, it really feels like physical pain, no one could understand it unless they've been through this themselves. It freakin' hurts, I'm a grown man and I'm sobbing like crazy. Reason tells me it will get better. I don't feel like this though, and I don't know when i will. Also, I have to move to a new city,with new job, new people, by my back hurts again and I will be a lonely man in a strange place, and I don't have you besides me. You gave me strength. I think this is my worst breakup until now. I truly hope it will be my last one. I can't handle this mess anymore. The worst part is that we could actually make it work, but you said no, so the guilt and pain is much bigger. I loved you more than you knew. Forgive me for everything that I did and upset you. Who designed us in such a way that breakups hurts so much and why? The good thing is that I feel much better in the evening and into the night, so I'm counting the hours.

Sometimes I wish there was cheating, lying or major red flags , so it would be easier for me to hate you . But we didn't cheat and we didn't lie each other. Instead we just fought over stupid stuff over and over again, and words we said piled up slowly until you could let go. I wasn't going to leave no matter what, I was up to making up and make it work. You couldn't. I blame you because you quit a bit too easy. Now I miss the sea, but I can't go there yet because we were so happy there and I'm not strong enough to take that road and watch the waves alone.

I saw family in you..we were not soulmates, and we were not the worst couple. we fought. But my part of the fight was because I wanted to make you understand that you're making mistakes that will affect us both. If I could turn back time, I'll treat you better. And you could be better too. But even if we were one of the most average couples out there, I loved you and I wanted to spend my life with you. I felt at home with you. I wanted nothing more. I truly believed that this time, somehow, it will work. That we would never break up. But we did. And I have my fault for this, and you have yours. And I begged, and pleaded, just like I promised myself that I will never do again. It didn't work. And it's easier for you than it is for me, because you act so. I am sick of hurting. I have no need or place for someone else, and I don't know when this will change, although I want it to happen already. Emotional roller-coaster is true, and it's a living hell. wearing a mask all day, out there it's painful. I am so sorry this ended like this that I'm holding on to pain as a memory of you and of how it was until not so long ago. No, we weren't "meant for each other", but I opened my soul for you, with all your flaws that pissed me off. I wasn't desperate. You just grew on me. And now it's this emptiness, which I can't fill with something, even if I want to. It could be saved, we didn't cheat, we didn't lie, I wanted to save us, but you didn't. And I understand, but it hurts so much. It scares me that I can't see the end of this, that time when I'll be ready to be with someone else. This, and the feeling that no one will truly ever be happy with me, so happy that she will never want to leave. I want someone to feel at home with me. I recovered before from breakups, people do this all the time, and somehow it's obvious that this too shall pass. I just miss us so bad. It feels like something died. i know i have to let go, it's the right and healthy thing to do. But I also feel guilty if I do, because I had my part of fault in this. If I were in your place, I would forgive, and I would hold on to us, imperfect as we were. I'm a big boy in a big world and it scares me. I had you and now I don't. I had some sort of true peace inside, and now there is nothing there anymore. I need someone to tell me that yeah, you are average, faulty, and you suck at many things, but even so, someone will love you and will never want to leave...against all odds, but it will happen.