losergirl

What does that mean?

Me again, I volunteered as a parent to watch the kids on the playground and they said I could not due to insurance reasons. hmmm, something is wrong here. Obviosly they don't want an outside witness to their blind eye...

DBL: legally you cannot install cameras due to the privacy laws. You would need the consent of every parent and staff in the entire school to do so.... The school also forbid me to contact this kid's parents. I still need legal advice on this one. I was thinking of putting a tape recorder on my kid or a hidden camera, just so I know. But I don't think it matters cause I saw it with my own eyes as the parent and they still didn't do anything. I questioned other parents and found out that our principal will hide and cover it up as to protect her reputation in the district and her job. Interesting...

DBL: You are right I think and that's exactly what I am requesting at my meeting this coming week. I have a consultant I want them to hire to train their staff on this siuation. It will be a hrad fight because they don't want to spend the money. But I will fight them tooth and nail. Kids need to learn compassion at an early age. I also want a buddy system put in place for my son. I want him buddied up with an 3rd or 4th grader who will look out for him and that way, the buddy leans compassion and my son learns not to have to tolerate that behavior. My son is afraid to talk back to this kid because he is afraid he will hit him, so he says nothing and cries. He already knows that noone will help him and that telling won't change it. Now he tells me he can't talk about it anymore and he has to keep his secret. Whatever that means, I don't know. But it really scares me.

Wow! I can't believe your stories. I too was bullied. And I have bullied others. Many years ago. But my kid is learning disabled and it's pretty messed up. They tell him to tell, and when he did tell the teacher, they didn't believe him.. What message does this send? Children that are bullied are very likely to grow up into adults that get bullied in relationships and in their jobs. Anyway, I will not rest. I will sue my district if they do not take the appropriate action. Since Columbine, they are supposed to have zero tolerance policies. Now that I know they don't inforce them, I will fight myself. I am a single Mom and don't have too much money. But legally, I can call an IEP meeting once a week with the child study team which consists of around 10 staff members that have to legally be present, so at the very least, I will disrupt the school and staff until they hear me. I also go to school at least 3 mornings per week to follow the bus and see my son on the playground in the morning interacting with the other kids, and I go unannouced once a week and ask the principal to observe my son at recess from the window. The time I went, no staff at recess for the first 10 minutes. 6 and 8 year olds out unattended for 10 minutes. Kidnappers anyone??? I hid so my son could not see me but other kids did, and one child was hit by another boy and reported it to me. I guess he thought I was an aide. When the playground aide finally came out, I gave her the child's name and teacher(the one who reported it), and I swear this was here response..."I don't know who that kid is", then she walked away. No report, no nothing... THEY DONT CARE.... these are second graders..... I can't believe what I have seen at my son's elemtary school.. Any parent, child bullied or not, should go and observe their children at school. You can never trust what they say or don't say. I found out my son was getting hit by this kid since September. Even my son's classmate reported it. And his friends parents knew about, yet the school did not notify me.... WHY??? They can't tell me, they lie, they cover up, they play dumb. All I can say, is watch your children. Make sure that his/her school knows who you are and what you expect, and that you will be a force to be reckoned with.... I know being bullied is a right of passage, and some may say, that you have to stand up for yourself to get through it, but statistically speaking this is not at all true. Most cases do not turn out positively. I don't want to be dramatic, but it can really mess a kid up into adulthood. I read a book called THE BULLY,THE BULLIED, and THE BYSTANDER. A great book full. Every parent should read it. If we don't worry about kids hitting other kids at 8 years old, when do we worry, when the are in High School and bring a gun into school? Or commit suicide? I am beside myself. My son is a target because of his disability, and I witnessed it, but yet, they are telling me nothing is happening at school and my son is safe. They have not filed any reports or even contacted the other kids parents. They tell me they are tired of me being so pushy and they feel I am making more out of it then what it really is. They say, kids will be kids and this is what kids do... WRONG! It 's 2004 and what have we learned? Sorry to rant. I'm going through a tough time with my son's school. I have my big meeting on Tuesday. I'm nervous and really mad. Thanks for listening....

Hi: I'm still hanging on.... Every minute is tough but I am still in control and I like it. Thanks for the encouragement! I'm sure the days to come will be hard. He is still calling, but I am trying to change my old patterns and I am deleting the messages instead of saving them so I can hear his voice (when he is nice) apologizing over and over, etc. This way, I can make new better habits, like not allowing myself to be a doormat anymore. I need to stay focused and remember who he really is and how he has treated me... I was never able to be alone, and I'm very uncomfortable. I need to relearn how to live with myself... Thanks.

Hey All: I'm back. We got back and gave it a good shot but his drinking has increased and now he has developed an online gambling problem. He constantly tells me he can't be himself around me. He said that I am only happy when he is lovey dovey and when he has some other interest, I find fault with him. This is untrue. But when we sat down to discuss it, he was drinking and had just lost $750.00 in the last week on online poker. I think he was already upset. He said I was a B*tch and I didn't know how to be his friend. He said that I am the only woman he has ever been with that makes him wish he were dead. he went on and on slamming things, cursing in my face, and finally left, and sped away in the rain, drunk. I don't even feel bad. I didn't even cry. I think I am just so used to the terrible things he says in agner, that it nolonger effects me. He called later that night about 10 times, leaving messages, apologizing, bla bla bla. I never called back. I feel that I finally want this relationship to end. It has no future and now that his drinking is coupled with gambling, I don't want to even try to fight a battle that I will most likely lose. I am finally ready to let go. I don't care anymore what he thinks and I think this is key for me. I think I always wanted to work it out, because I wanted to show him that I wasn't all those things he said I was. I wanted to prove that I was a good friend and girlfriend. But the reality is, he will see me the way he chooses to and I have no control over that. I can only control how I respond. I can choose to let it effect me or not. I am finally choosing to take control of myself and my feelings and to stop giving him all the power. I know what I am, I don't need some drunk, gambling, abusive, moron to tell me that I am worthwhile. Lightbulb! Thanks for listening....

Hi: I am going through this right now with my child. He is eight years old and has a learning disability. He is being picked on and hit at school by another boy. The school is turning their heads and blaming my child for instigating it, whcih is crazy, because he is shy and have an autistic spectrum disorder. He is very anti-social. I have gone to the playground and witnessed two other boys, dragging my boy by his collar practically choking him. Their were five aides on the playground, and not one saw it. Luckily I was there to intervene. Our school has a zero tolerance program but as it was explained to me, it is age appropriate, meaning that these kids are too young to bully on purpose, so no action has bene taken. This is crazy, I am beside myself. Bullying can cause suicide and should be taken more seriosly at any age. Children as young as 8 have killed themselves from bullying. My son, never told me what was going on, I had a hunch and followed through. I have gone to the board of education and scheduled a meeting with the child study team for next week. Also, bullies have killed other children. It is not to be taken lightly and always investigated. Our school has not even done an investigation. They have observed my son and the other boys, and informed me that they have not witnessed it for themselves, thereforeeee, they are not willing do do anything. ??????

Dear usedtobestrong: Been away couple days, had an outpatient procedure and have not been on computer. I read your posts and thanks for your reply... As you know I am back with my man. He too seems to surround himself with other women (friends, etc.) when I break it off with him. I think it's because they don't have to change when they start over with someone else. It's easier for them because it usually takes a couple years for the tide to turn. This girl has not seen the real him yet, and no he does not love her. It's just way for him not to feel bad, he has someone who is accepting him the way he is, but what she is seeing is his representative. The face they put on in the beginning. He doesn't have to change himself with her... It's a cycle. My man told me that it is so hard for him to live with the guilt of the things he has done to me. And when I am not speaking to him which I do alot for weeks at a time, he feels better when he is with someone even a friend who is a girl, because it takes his mind off beating himself up over me. The people he confides in don't see what I have seen. They think he is great and wonder why he puts up with me. My man used to date my friend before I did, he was abusive to her, but when I dated him, the first two years he was an angel, I couldn't believe this was the same guy. I thought it was her who brought out that side of him. I thought I was the one who changed him. I was in a lost world! Crazy, but I guess that's what we do. The girl he is with now does not know him she only knows his representative... It seems to me that he still has feelings for you and maybe he even wore the ring to instigate a reaction from you, maybe he thought you would go running back to him out of jealousy. I know its hard and I do not know what the answers are for I am back with my man and trying somehow to start over. I lasted only two weeks before I broke down and called him. I lost my strength to stay away from him. I feel better and can function because we are back, but I fear the cycle will continue. I just don't know how to start over. But I do want to try since he has shown improvement and he has sought help on his own. He has changed quite a bit and he is moving in the right direction. But it's easy to fall back in to old habits. I feel good now, but it things fall apart again, then I will have to start over from square one. Growth from pain. Believe me, I lost a lot in my life, My mom and Dad, when I was young. My child was born with a disability. I've lost a lot. It was painfull, but I only grew and became stronger and better from it. Maybe that is why I can't let him go, it would just be someone I love who left me. I wish I could help you, I pray for you to stay strong. Your not alone... remember that.

Wow, you are lucky and strong to say the least. I can say my situation is not at all as bad, but abuse is abuse. And so is denial. Did you go back and forth with him before you left? Did you leave and go back countless times as I have? What has happened to you since? Did you remarry or meet a nice guy? How are your children through this? Do they see their father? Sorry to be so personal, but I truly admire your strength as a woman. I wish I found this place sooner. I have been back and forth for long and never really had an outlet. My child will always be number one, and I know that I will not allow him to ever hurt him in any way. Through all of our hardships, I have kept my home life with my child separate from him. We usually see each other when my son is with his Dad. I can say honestly, my son has never seen anything abusive between us. He once heard him yell at me, a few years ago, and I made him leave... He did not curse or get nasty, he just raised his voice and my son heard him. The last time I left him, was because he wanted to argue in front of him and I would not allow that. He later said that was not what he wanted, but he admitted his anger and lack of self control. I told that I do love my kid more than him and he comes first. I asked to think about that and to make sure he wanted a relationship with someone who already has a child. Only time will tell,,, the good news is my girlfriend (very positive) moved in with us recently... She is a great help and is very protective of my son. At the very least if I fall short, she will be the first to file a report against him. Although I don't believe it would ever get to that... What I am saying is that if indeed I am in denial, I have someone there whose looking out for him as an outsider who sees him without the love I see him with. She is a med student that used to be my son's nanny long ago. Her support will really help me. It's funny, I used to be so strong, and now I'm stuck... I know abuse is a cycle, I can understand why people get stuck. He has agreed that when he feels out of control, he leave for 24 hours no less before saying anything to me. If I contact him prior to that, than whatever he says, would then be on me. I thought it might be a good exercise to try. Our therapist said we need to change our behaviour in high stress situations. maybe a 24 hour period to think about what we say to each other may help. But that is only if he can actually do it. I think it's a reasonable request. If he can do this, then maybe we have a chance. His problem has always been speaking without thinking and saying things to hurt me because he is hurt. I think it may work only because from the two times he hit me over two years ago, he did seek help on his own and with me, and it has not happened since. If he wants to change his behaviour than I believe he can. But only if he wants it, what I want does not matter... Although, he drinks too much for my liking, that is a whole issue I'm not sure what to do with. I willnot tell him to stop because that won't work. Still on the fence there... Thank you for your posts, please keep talking to me. It is helping and giving me something to hang on to...

Dear Grin: Thanks for the heartfelt message.... I fell off the wagon big time, and called him yesterday. We spent the day and night together and it was really great. Each time I go back I think it will bedifferent. But you are right, I need therapy, and I think I am going to try and get it through my health care. Two weeks was so hard for me, Yesterday, I had nothing left. I had no one with me, and I was so weak and sad. I called... I'm glad I did because I was so upset I thought I would go insane. I lasted two weeks... He called me either in two weeks, he is not a stalker... However, he told me he cannot change who he is but he can change his behaviour. We have been in counseling (couples) together since April. It has helped somewhat but it is a hard and painfull process for both of us. I know he does not mean his angry ways, but I also cannot accept them. I'm not sure where to go from here, part of me wants to ride it out until the next episode and decide then, and part of me, wants to truly work it out with him. I know it sounds crazy but in all of this, he has tried and he made progress. He did hit me yes, but he hasn't in two years. He does use abusive language yes, but it is less than before. He attends counseling religiously. I just have a limit. I can only take so much, then I walk away for a few weeks, and start over again. He tries and gets better with time, but I just get discouranged and feel like he won't ever be right for me. I need to stop this pattern either way. Obviosly by seeing him yesterday, I am calm now. I feel stonger and funcional now. I want to keep posting in order to document my situation because I need to have this point of refernce and the support of this forum. It is also hard because I have told my family and friends the bad things so when they see us back together, it creates more problems because of what I said. I have always moved on from man to man in my life. If someone gets on my nerves or hurts me, I usually just move on to the next person and never try to really work it out. thereforeeee, I never have lasting relationships. With him, I have tried to be different and work it out without giving up at the first sign of adversity. But in that, there is a fine line in co dependency and love. I know this much. I back in it. We can resume counseling and try again, or try to let it go. Right now I want to stay... He pretty much did the same thing I did while we were apart. He said he did not want to call me because after the first few attempts, he did not want to seem like a stalker and wanted me to have the time I needed. He said he would wait one month before contacting me. He said he loves me and thinks we are meant for each other. He just doesn't want me to walk away for a few weeks everytime I get mad at him. I told him, that that's all I can do when he disrespects me. He would like to come and talk to my child and apologize for his actions. He said he has had bad role models and is afraid to be a parent himself for fear he would abandon his child as his father him. He wishes my son were his and they he wants to do the family thing with me. He doesn't want to marry or live together until we are stable. He said he is and has always been very comiitted to me. He feels bad that he cheated on me and swears it was only a kiss. I don't know what I believe in that area, although our sex life has never been bad. He feels we both carry to much history and hang to the things in the past that has hurt us and it keeps us from moving on. I understand that.. it's tough though. I'm not sure where to go from here but I feel better since I saw him.

It's easier for me to stay away from him right now, because he is not callling me. I keep waiting, but he just doesn't call. I won't call him because I am the one who broke it off, so I can't. Just my days are sad and I cannot help my crying, in the car, at work, etc... I'm just falling apart. My friend said he never loved me.... Is that true? Because he hit me, or spit on me... She said he does'nt love himself so he could not have loved me. What do you think about that. It makes me sad to think he does'nt love me and never did. Why did I give him so much of me? So much that there nothing left now. He only has anger for me and hate... I thought love was sacred. I thought that it would be there forever. I never thought it could just go away at a moments notice. I love you you but sorry I hit you, sorry I cheated on you, I will be a different man, I'll show you, I love you but I don't remember sptiing onyou, I love you, I don't really think you are a CU*T, I was just angry with you, I was drunk, bla bla bla. I'm so confused now. I can't believe how much I believed.. lOOK AT ME NOW. Look where it got me. They get you to feel sorry for them, that's how they draw you in. Then they turn around and attack you like you are the enemy. It's insanity. I gave away so much of myself, and now it's hard to find my way back. I don't know where to start. I have no desire to go out with friends. I don't want to date anyone. What do I do. How am I going to get through this???

Thanks muneca : I is just so hard so see the light at the end of tunnel... Here I am on friday night, lonely, just wondering about him. It sickens me how he can go on and how I can't. Especially after all I have put up with. How i forgave him and believed in him and now where is he? Why doen's he care and we do i care so much? I know I am better than this but if I am, why is it me that is hurting so bad? He once told me a guy is a good as the girl he is with. Meaning that if he's with me than he can get as good as me. I guess I used to think I was something special and thought he should be happy to have an independent woman with him, someone to love him for him... But I was wrong. I have no energy or motivation to do anything. My work is now falling behind and my house is a mess. I just wish I could get some satisfaction. I know that is immature but it would be easier for me to deal with if he was calling. At least I would know that he at least cared. This is torture for me. I don't even want to meet anyone new. At least not right now... I have to get the courage to collect his things and send them back to him. My friend said she would take them to him when I was ready. But the finality of it just kills me. I know I have lost my self esteem, I do feel worthless. How is it someone can have so much control on you? I wish I knew the answers or I wish I could accept that there are no answers. I really loved him, I really did. I thought he was the one and thought I was the one for him. I cannot believe that this has happened to me. I have not been in an abusive relationship since high school. I have dated and married pretty normal nice guys, it just didn't work out for others reasons, but not abuse. I hate myself for not seeing this coming. For not standing my ground at the first attack. All I wanted was his approval and validation, and now I know that it has to come from me and not someone else. He's the loser not me... But why is I am the one paying? I guess maybe because I want to change my life and myself and he doesn't. Maybe it's easier for him to find someone new. It will take her at least 2 years to see the abuse. He'll never have to change. My therapist thought we were addicted to each other... Maybe she was right. After all this time what else could it be? Why doen's he call me? It was his birthday this week and we had a big party planned and I canceled it and blew him off completely. I guess that was the last straw for him. But I really didn't care about his party. I cared about us and I just couldn't let one more thing go. Please just tell me it will be ok, tell me I will be ok. Cause right now I feel I will never be right again... I feel time has run out and I'm too old now to find love again. He always made me feel old... I know I probably sound crazy but I this is just so hard and my mind is running rampant. I cannot sleep or function. I'm dying inside. And worse I hate myself for loving someone who thinks so little of me. He thought I was a high maintenance C**t. Funny though, I never asked him for a dime, I always took care of myself. None of this makes sense....

Hi: This is new for me. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for almost 5 years. I'm not really sure if it is truly abusive, however, there have been some bad things like he hit me a couple of times a few years ago, he spit in my face last year, and calls me names, really bad ones, when he is angry. When he is mad, he is scary and has no control over what he says to me. Nothing is off limits. I am a single mom, I have an 8 year old boy when autism. It has been two weeks since I broke it off with him. I have alowed him to treat me this way, although we have been in counseling since April. But the last straw was him repremanding my child and getting mad at me for not fighting in front of him. He referes to my child as the King, King Arthur, and the messiah. He obviously is jealous of him. In any event, counseling has hurt me more than help with him because now I feel I have to put up with his outbursts because we are in couples counseling and we are supposed to take it up there. He has tried to work through his anger and has made progress, but he has a problem drinking and cannot control his intake. After he is drunk it could go either way. My friends, family, and even his friends ask me why I am with him? But he used to be the best, he was loving and helpful, and romatic, more so than any other man I have been with. I know I miss this about him, not the bad stuff. Usually he calls me when I stop talking to him for a week or so but this time he hasn't. I know this time I drove him away. I did not show up for therapy and I canceled his birthday party. I am just so sad, I cannot function. I want him to come and make it all better. I just don't know what to do anymore... He made it clear at the last counseling session that he did not want kids or marriage. I though I was ok with that but I already have a kid and want to be a family with someone. He said he wants kids someday but does'nt know when. I am 38 and he is 32. So when his someday comes I will be too old and he will leave me anyway. He says he will never be the man because he is not my son's natural father, but I disagree. I think a father is much more than a sperm donation. However my son has a father and has a great relationship with him. I just wanted him to be a positive role model and friend to him. My boyfriend grew up with a step dad that did not like him and made his mom choose beween him and her. He moved on her behalf. As a child his real Dad would beat his Mom in front of him till she was bloody. He never beat me... He has only hit me two or three times without bruising or really hurting me. He does scare me though and pretend like he is going to hit me when he is upset. He has never done this in front of my child. He will leave when my son is home. He did spit in my face one night but does not remember cause he was drunk. We were arguing over a DVD player. I founf out he cheated on me last year. I was angry with him for calling me a C**T and I refused to attend a weeding with him. So he hooked up with someone else. He said if I had been there it would have never happened. Although he apologized and said it was only kissing, I have my doubts. I cannot understand myself, why do I miss him so much, why is it so hard. I feel I will never find anyone again. I am 38, single mom of one, self employed with my own house and nice car. I have a lot offer. I don't need a man to support me. I just want someone to make a family with me. To share my life and my son's life. What's wrong with me? Why can't I let him go. I am so scared and so sad. Please help me....