Synerjist

Most of my friends and coworkers don't get why I'm single at all. I get stuff like, "You should be beating women off with a stick." One female co-worker said, "We need to get you a wife.", and inquired about what type of women I was into. They obviously think I have some sort of dating market value. The only negative feedback I've gotten is from our trade event manager whom I hang out with a lot: He thinks wearing my wearing band shirts (sometimes on the weekends), is "immature". He's more of a conservative Christian (but not preachy) type, that likes to ogle Scottsdale trophy wives, mind you... so he doesn't really know the crowds I roll in outside work. He also thinks they're metal bands (I only have one metal band in my tee shirt rotation, the rest is hip hop artists). Also, he tends to wear work branded polos at work, while I'm in a $150 designer button-downs. He's in his late forties and hopelessly single. I don't take him as a culture or fashion authority. My brother just thinks I'm f***ed because I'm 37. I'm fortunate enough to be accused of being at least ten years younger out in the fray. I'm 37 online, however, unless I want to take up the art of deception. Could you cue me into what those are? I feel like I've self-evaluated to death at this point, doing my best to improve all parts of me without strapping on some mantle that wasn't genuine, but I'd be interested on what you needed to work it out. I guess I just meant that as a blanket description for alternative-but-feminine types. It's just a starting point that seems to make the most sense for someone like me. Geeky-but-feminine works too.

I can concur somewhat on the front of putting myself out there: As a reasonably successful professional, my job does eat up a lot of time and energy, and my social life suffers somewhat for it. I do my best however, even if it means skipping on making coffee in the morning with my espresso machine to go to the Starbucks, or skipping on bringing lunch to instead eat out most days. I can easily afford that. I'm not sure as a single guy what "enough" constitutes, though. So far as going out to bars/venues/coffee shops that fit my ilk somewhat: At least twice a week. I can do a couple of live shows, and/or First Friday a month. Maybe a MeetUp or two a month. Do I need to be doing things three/four times a week? I never could figure out how much "putting oneself out there" has to be done to find people who are interested. So far as value goes, from your previous posts about open-mindedness and integrity, I can only assume you're talking about intrinsic value. I feel I'm a decent listener, and am genuinely interested in peoples' perspectives and interests, but also maintain contributions to the conversation. I try not to be a braggart about my career, at least not the income aspect. I don't believe one's salary makes one a better person. Should I try to work in my philanthropy (which I prefer to conduct in humble anonymity)? I'm getting conflicting suggestions to be humble and raise my value.

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying meeting interested people isn't easy. A lot of single people would echo that sentiment.

Well, that's pretty nebulous... especially considering how different women (by way of being human beings) differ from one-to-the-next. Furthermore, I feel like I'm plenty "date-able" where I am. Not that I'm not a person interested in self-improvement, but I'm not sure there's anything lacking that would make me a non-viable option for women intested in my type.

I can see your point, but's hard to have what's essentially an sociological discussion without getting into ten cent word territory, though. I'd think that advice givers on a forum such as this would at least have dabbled with these sorts of higher-learning concepts (psychology, sociology, anthropology) and the way you discuss subjects at that level. We digress, though. Debating this really doesn't address the topic. Basically, and without ten cent jargon, what we have is: Myself Who is open-minded to dating a variety of 'types' of women, but who tends to focus on those who line up more-than-less with my somewhat "alternative" mantle, but not exclusively. Let's say it's a 60/40 split. Faraday Who is encouraging me to be more open minded and to give a chance to those who fall outside of the usual fare of types who are attracted/responsive to me. The classic don't-judge-a-book-by-it's-cover idiom. Batya33 Who is discouraging me from bothering with other 'types' because they have a strong tendency chose their respective mantles to express some deeper morals, beliefs, and lifestyle choices that (probably) don't align with mine. It's the modern classic: "Stereoypes are small minded and often wrong." / "Stereotypes exist for a reason." debate. Frankly, I just want to meet more women who would have a higher likelihood of being compatible with me than not.

While I'd like to meet and date more, I meet women here-and-there. Usually, the interested ones end up approaching me, or message me first, oddly enough. They are usually on the more "alternative" end of the range, and/or a bit on the geeky side (though I'm not much of a gamer, or comic book/movie guy myself), and younger than myself. So, yeah, not a lot, but the ones into me are pretty archetypical. This is a forum convo. I treat it more like a scientific/anthropological proposition, like talking about how French culture might view labor ethics. It has nothing to do with how I conduct myself with people in life... and 'suspicion' is probably a more accurate term on my part here than 'assumption'.

I do not pursue women with vastly different religious leanings than myself. I stick with messaging women in the secular / non-religious range of things. There's plenty in the younger, more educated range of things. Also, I am not a starving artist: I make $90k/yr. + bonuses and benis as a Sr. industrial designer. And I don't smoke pot (though, I'm all for the legalization, and have no issues with those who do). I also don't think you can understand how I can be open-minded, but still observational about prevailing cultural patterns... as ugly as they may be. Every new person in a clean slate to me, hence my continuing to try outside my "type".

Ummmmm... You said, 'I should try and meet women outside my box of types.' I said, 'I do, be it through my work area and friends, or messaging many types of women in online dating, and I always get ignored, not approached/flirted with, or rejected.' You said, 'I'm the common denominator with getting rejected by these women'. I said, 'Exactly, I am giving them the chance and they're rejecting me, so it's obviously me... and that's why I make a concerted effort to focus on hipster venues or (online) seeking out women who would likely be into my type.' I think you might be underestimating just how snotty people can be about dating outside their archetypes. For example, I have messaged more than my fair share of women in Sun Devils / Cardinals swag (hey, I actually like watching football), but I get rejected (more often, ignored) every single time. I'd wager it's because they refuse to date someone with my haircut, beard, or "obscure" band swag. I still give it a shot, pretty often, but I'm never surprised when I get the cold shoulder.

Yes. Exactly. That's what I tried to say. I guess I wasn't clear. They're not willing to give me a chance, not vice-versa... hence I spend a concerted amount of time sticking to crowds and contacting (on line dating) women where I'd be their "type".

Yes. Rejected or ignored me.

I think I've made it clear I have given many different types a chance, and will continue to. I get more of an impression that women are rejecting the "muso" me, than the other way around. My friends too, run the gamut (and very few are artists and musicans, FYI), but then, they're guys... and a bit "different " with respect to their own prescribed archetypes.... while many women look for cowboys, firemen, rockers, or whatever to fall in love with. Like I said, if a yuppie type in the upscale area that I work at thinks my beard 'n' boots vibe is endearing, I've got zero qualms about giving them the chance. I think, culturally speaking, men are far more likely to date outside their subcultural alignments than women are. Just my observation.

itsallgrand: I really don't think I'd judge you in real life or otherwise. I'm really not like that. Post a pic (as you have none on your profile). I think you'd be surprised. You might very well be shocked at the diversity of my friends as well.

I never said 'everyone'. I'm cautiously optimistic about individuals not falling into those traps anywhere and everywhere I conduct myself. But, it seems to me that our culture is overtly prone to not giving someone outwardly different such as myself a chance, though. It's sort of an immutable truth, sadly. And I don't agree that I'm avoiding non-alt/muso/artist types at all. I spend a good chunk of my time working, and a bit of time after work, in upper-middle class environs. Women aren't exactly clamoring for me there, so I assume that most want someone who fits their stereotypical American dream: Clean cut, loves football, ready to make kids, put up picket fences. People are free to prove that suspicion wrong, though. I've got open arms on that front. Same with online dating. If the commenters here think I'm JUST messaging Suicide Girl lookalikes, you're simply not correct (they're a minority, like myself, either way). I've messaged A LOT women of all different types. I've got no reason to not give a girl a chance because she's bleach blonde, into nursing, loves yoga, is a bookworm, or whatever. Who knows what amazing, loving person might carry themselves those ways. That's all fine with me! I've sent a kind word to many like that... and other types to be sure. They always ignore me. What am I supposed to think?

For sure. Completely my M.O. The late, great Eyedea has inspired a lot in me recently because of that very outlook. R.I.P., brother. Like I say, there's no winning at art. That's not the point. Your favorite football team doesn't make you better than anyone else either, even though there's actually winning at sports. People get too wrapped up in things that should express them not define them. That's what's SO HARD about dating in America... everyone thinks they know your worldview based on how you dress or what you associate with. There's no opportunity to impress upon people any sort of altruism when you're a "pretentious musician", "smarta** nerd", or "dumb jock" before word one gets said. It gets colder by the day.

Thanks. Any humor is secondary. I do have a pretty good sense of humor, that I tend to convey through real world metaphor.