hazlcha

Hi. As someone who is dating a significantly younger person, I see that sometimes it can work, sometimes it is difficult. We have a chronological age and an emotional age, and they are not always the same. She may never have even seen you as a potential romantic interest because of the age difference, while another woman might be attracted to you because of it. In my case, it's probably the latter, together with the fact that we both have strong connection through music. But that's about me, and this post is about you. I'm simply saying not to take her interest in a younger coworker as an affront to you or a failure on your part. It's completely her legitimate attraction make up. As for living with the crush, well I had that when I was younger and had a huge one for my best friend's sister, who was dating another best friend at the time. Crush + jealousy = unhappy time. Postscript: I bumped into her recently and did not even RECOGNIZE her. That's the way these things work. There are women out there that I was crazy about, and see them now and feel NOTHING. Again, that's how it works. My suggestion to you is to heed the old adage "there's lot's of good fish in the sea." Make a weeklong project to get phone numbers of women who attract you, and meet them. Find a special someone from that pool and slowly go into a relationship. But always be in charge of your feelings. Even if you find yourself flying emotionally high, let her express that first. She'll likely be more attracted to you if she isn't sure she's won you over. Spilling your guts too soon can scare the fish away. Been there, done that. Good luck, my friend.

My friend. You say that you lost 80KG! That is an amazing accomplishment. You did a great thing by taking control of your appearance. In my life, I've found that a lot of great things happen just by going forward. There can be a lot of bumps in the road, but they have a way of smoothing out, and surprises of a wonderful nature appear. I know it may sound empty when you're feeling down, but I've experienced this a lot lately. I like the previous suggestions of guiding your thoughts to those that love you. You are good, know that.

Hi. I'm not the biker chick, sorry to say, but I wanted to congratulate you on your accomplishment. Great job talking to her, heroic job asking her out. I'm not familiar with your whole story, but I know how scary that can be. Even though a nice girl will never kill you for asking, or even make you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable if she's not interested. So keep doing that. Keep meeting and inviting. As a matter of fact, I've found that the best way to phrase it is to invite her to join me for something (cup of coffee, etc..). That way you flatter her by giving her a chance to join you in your life, instead of asking her to spend time with you. It's less needy. Am I making sense? Now there may be some rain on the parade here, she may not email you. Don't get discouraged, and keep on hunting. If there's one thing you can improve, it's this: I try to be careful about seeming too interested or impressed by a girl. It can scare some away. Women like a little challenge, so by telling her she's cool or beautiful off the bat she may think she's already got you in her pocket. That doesn't, as a rule, make her overly attracted to you. It might have been better if you said "I'd like to see if you're as cool as you seem," or something like that. So great work, enjoy your successes and keep swinging!

You wrote "This is like an addiction." Well, I'd say it IS an addiction. It is an escape from a reality that fails to inspire you. And that reality fails to inspire you because you have been disconnected from yourself. What does that mean? Basically it means trying to be someone that other people expect you to be. And that's at the price of not being who you wish to be. That probably happened when you were very little, which is when it happens to so many. We allow our caretakers to judge us and tell us what to think and feel. When we grow up, we allow society, spouses, etcetera to do the same. Being a faithful husband becomes a chore, just as being an obedient son who didn't have a right to his own emotions and desires. And, well, eventually the child rebels. Even after he has grown up. Your affair with this woman is a rebellion against your wife not because of anything she does or says. It's because, simply, she is your wife and you are dutybound to be faithful. It's a rebellion against society, against "institutions," not a specific person. The way forward is to begin the incredibly fulfilling but challenging journey to emotional wholeness. Addictions of all sorts are an escape and a rebellion, but are a greater falsehood than living a dictated life. The positive thing to know about this behavior and any compulsive behavior is that it is a cry for help. It is an alarm that your soul is not happy, is not connected to your personality as it should be. You are not whole. The way forward is to hear that cry, but choose to fulfill it in a different way. It means to accept that you have a right to feelings, and to be in touch with yours on a constant basis. It means to be more alive, more in tune. That way you won't need these "collapses" of misbehavior when the facade is too hard to maintain. Eliminate the facade and life becomes light and joyful. I'm not sure if all this made sense, but here's the upshot. Don't simply fight the behavior - as important as it is to change that behavior. Rather, revive yourself as a feeling human being. Change the way you carry yourself, you walk, sit, talk, everything. Get to know yourself and grow as a human from what your own feelings and spirit tell you.

Yikes. Oh, not the way to start this post. Sorry. LOL. Welcome to the board! Yikes. He broke up with you, he's seeing some other girl, and he insists you talk to him, and checks your phone to see if you have been talking to some other guy? Yikes. He's got a lot of nerve. Ma'am, you deserve a commitment. With you, it's all or nothing. If he wants a relationship with you, it's only with you. And it's built on trust, not on snooping. If he's not offering that, then you know what you need to do. Relationships should be fair, or shouldn't be at all.

Well my opinion is that it's not the way to go. I don't like either choice. My feeling is that medical care can and probably should be withheld in circumstances of great suffering. But food and water should not be withheld, as that is, to my mind, a slow form of euthanasia. I don't believe it is our place to end life, only to make it as liveable as possible. I would recommend continuing the painkillers as needed but keeping his nourishment up until his condition determines the moment of passing. Alleviate his suffering as best as possible and let nature run its course. That's my opinion.

Hi, welcome to the board. That's a long post you wrote, very thoughtful and considered. You have a strong self-awareness, which is a great advantage in dealing with your situation. I want to start by saying that I know your situation. I'm not married, but in a relationship with a fantastic girl who I like a lot but don't know if I could honestly say "love" to. She's bright, talented, but slightly overweight (it's improving, though). The downers for me are that, and that I always wanted a girl with a sharp sense of humor. She is sweetness personified, which makes me feel that I know she's a "find" and I'd be a fool to let her go. But... So I'm there with you, friend. The difference is that you've felt strongly enough to get married. That's big, it's not like just dating. You had the ability to commit to "have and to hold." So I think there's a lot more feeling than you are admitting. I wouldn't assume that the things you said when drunk reflect your true feelings, because feelings are layered and complicated. The drunken you may be simply saying "I want to party, I feel left out of that." Oh, and that's my story too, never having had that college party experience. Another thing I've learned is that every couple - with maybe one exception in a thousand - experiences serious doubts about their marriage in the first year or so. It's almost hardwired into the system. A great book to read is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. While it may not be the last word on the subject, I think there are good insights to be had there. No one can tell you what to do, and there may not be an objective right or wrong. Separation and dating other people while still married does not seem to me a good idea, though. I liked what you said about finding ways to be yur own person within the relationship. That resonated with me because very often these doubts have more to do with the doubter than the partner. These are all thoughts I had as I read your post. I think it would help you to not make a hasty decision, and to enlist the help of a good marriage counselor. There is no shame in that. These are important things, why go it alone? Just some ideas. I hope you find your way to peace.

I remember my second cousin, who I never got to spend time with after he moved far away. He was in the top floors, and couldn't escape, so he called his sister to say goodbye. I hope that all the victims, wherever they are in Heaven, will implore God to bless us all with peace and life and love. Let all those who worship death, who rejoice when innocent people are killed, who send their children strapped with explosives, and who continue to threaten us with more death, be thwarted. May they vanish and let no one be counted among them. May all those who bring joy, who sing songs and write poems, who visit the sick and tell jokes, who put out fires and light great lights, be blessed and ever successful in illuminating the world. And let us all be counted among them.

That's really a powerful message you wrote. I think that your strong feelings are calling for attention, and it will serve you well to explore where they come from. So many women who can't want nothing more than to be pregnant, and others who feel as you do about world overpopulation do not. I can't help but feeling that your desire comes more from a personal place rather than an ideological one. If you can take a step away from yourself, perhaps discuss with a couselor/therapist, and uncover what lies beneath this. I am not discussing the pregnancy issue at all here. That's a matter of personal choice. I'm responding to the intensity of your dreams and feelings, and suggesting that here's a golden opportunity to get to know yourself better.

Good points, I think. There is a certain growing difficulty as you get "set in your ways" in opening your life to someone else. That is countered by the increasing desire to finally settle down that may make the couple work harder to overcome their differences. I've found that the hardest age girl for me to date is around 28. Not yet feeling too much pressure, but getting accustomed to being independent. I suppose I was - and may still be - the same way.

I appreciate your dilemma. It is a frightening thing to make such a choice - what if the choice is a bad one? I know the desire to escape responsibility in any one relationship by having another at the same time. You know that this is unhealthy, and your self awareness is deserving of recognition. Knowing the problem is the most important step in finding a solution. You know that what you are doing now would be terribly hurtful to your girlfriends should they find out. What you might be overlooking is the great danger you have put yourself in. You do not want four angry women sharing their story with their friends. It could come to a stage where if you want to date any more, you'll have to leave town. So I'd say that you need to make a call and FAST. I disagree with the opinion that you should release all of them. Why, if there's one that's special? Special can evolve too. If I had to choose, based on what you said about them, Dorothy might win. She is attractive to you, and I think her religious aspect can do you a world of good. She seems spiritually grounded in a way that you can learn from. That's my opinion anyway. You have to make your own choice, listen to your own conscience. I'd suggest -as an exercise- writing a letter of "thanks for being there, but.." for each woman. DON'T send them, you are writing it for yourself, to get you moving forward towards making a decision. Write them, throw those letters away, and do the real right thing that you need to do yesterday. Good luck and good love.

I'd suggest two things. First, get yourself into the habit of taking a breath before you speak, expecially in a moment of anger. That breath can interrupt the flow of what you would have said without filtering. Second, and related, is to train yourself to start every sentence of complaint with the words "I feel." That will let you express your emotions at the moment in a non-threatening way, and brings the other person in as a helper. It's much better than starting with "You..." where the risk of saying something hurtful is large. Hope this helps.

THAT is abuse too. My goodness, you've been through so much. Yet you write with great poise and maturity. Good for you, you deserve great happiness. The first step is to find the way forward now, not waiting. I get that you're in a vulnerable situation, so seek out supportive organizations/professionals who can at least give you specific guidelines. There's no reason to go through this all-important process on your own.

If I'm understanding you correctly, the molester is part of your "homelife?" Is that what's preventing you from doing the all-so-important therapy you need? If you are not currently living in the same location as the molester, then why would you go back there? I wasn't clear what your situation is, as you can tell from my questions. That being said, can you find the way to get your life straightened out now? I don't know what agencies and law enforcement options are available to you, but it seems to me that this sort of thing should not wait another minute. That person is a threat to others as well. You are 16, and there are certainly places that can help you that are not police or law enforcement. If you are in school, perhaps start by discussing your situation with a school psychologist. If not, there are toll free hotlines out there (a short search on the net) where you can get the information you need. I'm not happy about you living in a dangerous environment. I urge you to speak to someone, if just to get the facts straight, immediately. Right now. Just a brief search found this page with more info: link removed It's based in California, but the info is useful.

Well your first responsibility is not what he thinks, but what you think and feel. This guy has led you on, then slept with someone else the next night, and told you that you're not the one. If you can step out of your own shoes for a moment, what does that say about his character? What would you advise someone else in your shoes? So I wouldn't be concerned about what he thinks. You must live with your conscience, and if it bothers you that you've acted a part that's not true, then do yourself a favor and make that known to him. Tell him what happened, no matter what he'll think. It's time you regained your independence - you're doing this for you. And then smile at life and live it. The more you are true to yourself, the faster you'll attract a love that will be true to you.