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anon_0275

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  1. The other posters have some valid comments already. Relationships shouldn't be based upon sex alone. Emotions must play a part in this as well... Let me try to zone in on the specific trouble: Are we just talking sex here, or general pleasing? What I mean is, have you two considered massages, sensual bathes, or even the obvious adult toys to give a little boost? Is she scared she isn't pleasing you as well, or is this a one way street, which is what is making you all the more afraid? Are you just not attracted to her anymore, physically? Do you perhaps feel you aren't attractive to her anymore? I'm just tossing out a few questions here to get the thoughts rolling. Without feeling too personal or self-conscious let us know what is the specific points you feel troubled by. Maybe we can get some better info for you.
  2. To be honest, I'm a little unclear about your response--how exactly does she think you are not over someone? What signs or signals is she detecting which makes her think you aren't over someone else? Please clarify this a little further. Overall though, I don't think you are being selfish at all. Rather the contrary; we all learn valuable things in relationships--especially the worst of them! To deny someone the right to think back on things, to rival in the pleasure and feelings you had "back then" is truly selfish. To deny that we all have sexual and emotional histories is ludicrous(sp). If you've done all you can to convince her you are happy in that relationship, and you aren't seeking anything with anyone else, then it is up to her to accept that at face value, and trust you will follow your word. How open is she about people she has dated in the past? How comfortable would you be hearing about the people she has been with? Make sure you are ready for the same thing you are asking her to do first and fore most. Get a few more details in your next reply, prepare yourself to hear things from her about her relationships, and work on being sincere with her about how you are feeling in the present. See how it goes from there.
  3. LOL, Thanks for amusing me Swing! Again, it was just a thought. I mean really though: How many straight males do you know that call their best friend hun, yet never advance them sexually? But anyhow: Like I said before, I suspect you both already have a great rapport together. I'm sure you could easily wiggle in a few comments or questions to him and see how he reacts. If he squirms a bit, back off. If he seems interested, plod carefully and listen carefully for his answers. Wouldn't it be funny if he was in the same boat trying to figure out how to ask you those questions? =)
  4. Hi all. Let me try to summarize where I stand right now, and what exactly is happening. About 4 months ago I broke up with my 1.5 year BF. After that relationship I was intent on being single for a while to help clear the psychological and emotional air. Well, I guess life had another plan for me. At one of my best friends wedding, I met someone (my friend was the groom, his friend was the groom--how funny!) I asked him out for coffee, and as I mentioned on a previous post, he nervously accepted (we had the blessing from both sides of the wedding, LOL). Let's flash 3 months forward. I'm happily dating him still. The other night I casually mentioned how I thought group sex was an interesting (and foreign) idea to me, and the idea of exploring it was a curiosity to me (despite my pathetically sheltered life ) It turns out that my BF has frequented the local gay bath house in the past while he was single. So he offered me a proposal: He asked if I go with him, and have a chance to experience this for myself. We would be going as a couple, yet allowed to adventure by ourselves, with the premise that if either of us tells the other to pick up whatever they are doing and leave, the other must comply immediately. Now I thought this was an interesting proposal. He is trying to be a good BF and allow me the freedoms I haven't had in the past (or choose not to have) knowing that I went from one relationship to another (again tho, not by force). He is correct in his assessment; he knows I didn't really wish to hook up right away and stay committed, yet I really do enjoy his company, etc. So the question is this: Do I accept his proposal? The idea of having impersonal casual sex is not something I'm completely comfortable with, yet I am curiously drawn to the idea knowing that I'm entering this place with someone I trust. And since (if I go through with this) we both agree on this, it is hardly viewed as cheating in the classic sense. At the same time it is rather outside of my normal comfort zone as well; I like having emotions and feelings towards people I have relations with, for as long as it may last. But again as a sexual being, I find the idea of just basic exploration greatly intrigueing. I don't pretend to understand the psychology behind how people do all of what they do in those types of places, yet paradoxically it is technically impossible to know all of these things myself because of all of the constraints a monogamous relationship imposes. In short: I'd like some general advice if possible. I already know, however, that I don't have to accept. I already know also, that in part he is proposing this with the slight benefit he gets to have sex with someone else of his choosing--a sort of quasi-selfish benefit. But at the same time, he is offering me a chance to experience something I haven't before while in a loving relationship. Yet I find the idea a radically unsafe idea, and riddled with possible death and disease as the cost of this exploration. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated. I have to confess to enjoying offering advise, and thinking things through for others; please offer me the chance to hear a few of your thoughts as well. Thanks kindly.
  5. I agree with the previous poster. I'd let your friend know that you still like one of the two guys and let her know that you care for her friendship, yet you want the freedom to explore your possible relationship with the other guy. She may give you warnings about why she broke it off with him; those types of things I'd listen to and consider, and yet give the guy a fresh start to you; don't prejudge him based on what your friend said about him. This is a tough diplomatic situation; with some carefully applied tact, I'm sure you'll manage just fine. Good luck on that!
  6. I hate to throw a strange monkey-wrench into this conversion, but allow the liberty for a moment. I'd like to ask you a blunt question: Have you considered the fact that he might be gay? I know, I know: I hate to judge a possible stereo-type over the computer about a person I most certainly will never get a chance to meet, yet I want to be honest and mention that your interaction is a classic straight female + gay male combo. Have you know him to have relationships with guys in the past (via your ex-bf you said? hmm) ? Females also ? ... Don't confuse me here; I could be way off base. He provides you a great security; and perhaps you for him as well. And I don't mean to imply it isn't possible for a straight female and a straight male to act this way; I'm confident it happens all the time. But normally a romantic overtone occurs first, then the type of relationship you have now evolves; usually not vice versa. Then again, maybe I'm totally wrong. I'm just offering the possibility to consider. If, however, he is compatible with you, I'm surprised you two don't have enough honesty to just blurt it out, just as you would blurt out half the things you two probably blurt out to each other (if I'm guessing correctly about your relationship). No harm in just asking him; if he is as good of a friend as what you imply, I doubt you have the chance of risking anything. You might even gain a deeper sense of friendship with him!
  7. Your efforts sound noble, and it seems you have put some thought into this. Let me offer this, however: You can forgive someone for doing what they did, but that doesn't mean they will now give you what you want. Do not confuse those two items: They are NOT interchangable. I may care for someone greatly; I may find what they may have done to me hurtful and unacceptable. I could, perhaps, with time and or persuasion, come to fogive someone for doing something. This does NOT mean however, that as soon as all is forgiven, all is forgotten. Because of this, I may not feel compelled to go out with someone again. I will hold nothing against them, but will choose not to go out again despite urging from the other. If that is the case, Swift is right: You can only do so much. If you've gained his forgiveness, that's great. It's a nice relief knowing someone doesn't harbor something against you; but don't expect to just hop into your lap again either. Sometimes gaining a sense of forgiveness is all you may receive.
  8. I think Mjones hit it right on the head! Your perception of yourself seems to be the biggest stumbling block you've encountered thus far. Believe me when I say confidence in oneself is far more important than the looks themself. If I had a choice between someone who most would view as attractive, yet unconfident of themself, or someone who may have average looks with an amazing confidence and love for life, my choice would easily be the one with confidence and love for life!! So grow that love of yourself and for life; you are virtually guaranteed happiness for yourself and those around you!
  9. Interesting situation. This sounds like a small case of dependency with a twist of insecurity on her part. Since she does think of you as her Big Brother (perhaps with possible benefits) she might use you as a small blanket of comfort. But, since you two may share the same feelings at this time (despite her somewhere lost in Heart Break Hotel) it doesn't seem like it would harm anything to wait a while. But knowing she may be slightly dependent upon you (psychologically) I don't know if I would advise her on other dates you are going on, and intentionally try to leave her out of the loop (although this would be a great way of testing this possible dependency). She might act quite upset if you do tho! If your feelings for her are genuine, the passing of time while she sorts things out shouldn't hurt your chances with her.
  10. Swift too has a good point about time well spent. Yet also consider that it appears he is open about things post facto. He doesn't volunteer these things right away; he waits for her to figure it out on her own, then becomes ashamed. Openess is indeed very important; especially in moments like that. However, it almost seems too little too late. Why not turn the tables on these contact appointments: Offer to play host for the three of you; server a nice dinner, drinks, appetizers, etc. Nothing better to get the creative juices flowing than good food and good company. See how that idea might roll over as a compromise to get more quality time with him, and with those he is working with.
  11. Street-Bum has a valid point. The potential problem here really stems from his urge to control you. This could get way out of hand way too fast for you to handle. You say you love him; that's fine. If he says he loves you as well, I doubt it. It's obvious he has been hurt in the past (perhaps rightfully so--let's not discount that) but at some point in time, he either has to let the guard down, or keep it up forever. Hey even pretending that guard is down for a while might do him wonders. Just reassure him you have no intention of hurting him, cheating on him, etc. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned critically violent were he to actually find you cheating. Please becareful with this one...
  12. Let me pose a small question here: Would you rather him tell you the absolute truth about why he did what he did--with the distinct chance this will hurt two fold, or would you rather accept his answer that he doesn't want to be with you without a specific reason? I'm guessing he isn't telling you why to spare your feelings, whatever they may be. Perhaps you should just honor that, despite the difficulty involved.
  13. I agree with Alex in CA on this one. This situation has the desperate potential to tear you into five thousand little pieces. Yes, loving someone does mean you accept their flaws; yes it means you are there to help them with those flaws, but it absolutely doesn't not mean you get to be the fodder that they destroy in the process of getting better. And anyone who says so should be shot. It seems quite obvious you fiance / potential hubby is in no way shape or form ready for marriage with someone like you. Hey, perhaps if you didn't care nearly as much for him, you wouldn't care. And if you both agreed sending other people nude shots of yourselves is ok, then it'd be as about as normal as the two of you would expect. But it's quite clear this isn't meeting your level of expectations, and you should be listening to that red alert klaxon that's going off in the back of your mind. Ultimately, if he is torn between two halves of himself, he isn't totally available to you in a committed relationship. Until he reconsiles with that, I think you should count all the bets off.
  14. Personally, I would have ended the relationship after I found out this soon-to-be divorce was mentioned by his currently-legal wife. That is quite enough for me to break it off. I mean, wouldn't common sense say that that is something you bring up right about the time you are both sipping coffee at starbucks or some such? Your hesitations are more than founded; he hasn't given you much reason to trust him, frankly. Despite this setup he has with his contract partner being legit, I wouldn't feel very comfy in your shoes at the moment either. Have you asked to join these little sessions for a while? Check out his hesitation levels; see if he gets really uncomfy by the prospect. But make sure you do it at the last second, so he doesn't have time to prepare for it, or warn anyone else (so he doesn't have time to sabotage or hide anything from you). I know that sounds a little sneaky or underhanded, but at least it has the chance to put you back on the same level playing field as him. Feel it out a bit. Let me know what happens. And gluck!
  15. Perhaps he doesn't know how to ask you out any more than you know how to read his body language. Rejection is part of the game, unfortunately. Can't win much without a small about of personal risk. A situation like this should be handled just like a ship to a tsunami: Head on, and don't flinch. Let me know how to goes if you give it a swing.
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