alona125

Thank you everyone who responded. I really appreciate each of them! What's funny is: I obsess over his ex's, and want to know all about them and he's like, "why do you always bring them up, i'm with you." He has a point, but it doesn't make the fact of seeing a very personal and loving card from an ex he still speaks with (she's married to a pastor though) easier. I guess I just have to realize that he is with me, he isn't making a big deal about the ex's, I AM, and maybe I just need to chill with it. I don't react very well, and I guess I don't understand that someone can have a healthy, platonic relationship with an ex and not be "in love" with them. I'll learn as I get older I'm sure. I wonder all the time (which I need to STOP) why he didn't stay with his happy, beautiful, and outgoing ex whom I've met. I have to realize though he's 35, and as someone said here, they're an ex for a reason. I see her on the surface, but I didn't see their relationship 5 years ago. Thanks again!

Hi Everyone, I haven't posted here, but I've been doing great lately. Been with my current boyfriend for about 2 years, and things are going very well. I was in a previous relationship where trust was a huge issue, and he cheated on me with his ex. We had a lot of issues, that maybe are affecting me today. my question is with my current boyfriend. He keeps all notes and cards that he got from his past 2 ex's, including ALL of the ones I give him. Now I'm younger and kinda naive at the whole relationship thing, but he is 35 years old. He was getting a new desk this week, and I saw some of those old cards from an ex (i've met her) in which she said "forever yours, I love you forever, etc." They were really mushy and romantic cards, and I didn't mean to snoop, but I looked so I didnt' throw anything away that was important. It hurts to see old cards like that from his ex, and it makes me wonder if they were so 'perfect' together, why it ended. He recently contacted her (she's married to a pastor) to find out some info on the church she goes to. He wanted me to go with him when he met her, and when he goes to church, so he's not hiding anything, but she was SO nice when I met her. She gave him a HUGE hug, and was super nice, and said she was glad I was taking good care of him. Am I wrong in letting those old cards from an ex bother me, or do a lot of people save that stuff. I'm young, and he is my second boyfriend, and I would LOVE to let this go if it's not a big deal. Thank you!

Hi Everyone. It was nice of you all to comment, even though it was an older post. It actually came at a good time, as I've been having some issues lately getting over some things. I'm doing MUCH better overall. It's SO NICE not being yelled at, told to shut up, etc... but the fact that I still think it had something to do with me still bothers me at times. I know it wasn't me who made him ignore me or verbally abuse me, because he even yelled at his mom numerous times. I don't care how difficult his mother was, he had no right to yell at her the way he did.... I have this notion that once I get close to a man, he will either cheat on me, or his true colors will show. Now I know not all men are like my ex, but it's still in my head. other than that, I'm doing so much better, living life freely, doing great in school, have an awesome job, and life after an abusive relationship is the greatest feeling. Thank you again for your comments and concern. It means a lot. =)

You are all very right. I have insecurities, but none that have to do with him. He has given me no reason to worry, so I will not bring it up. Thanks!

He really hasn't given me any other reason to doubt him. It may be my own insecurity, and each of your posts have helped greatly. I am not overly jealous, i just want to make sure he is not still "in love" with his ex. You have all given me some great examples, and showed me that a person can still have high respect for their ex, yet have NO desire to be with them. I will let this go, until I have a real reason to worry.

Well, he is pretty affectionate and loving otherwise, and gives me no reason to really be suspicious. I mean, we all need our level of privacy, and he is a little cautious of his email, not too much, but I have to think I am too, and Im not hiding anything Hope, (Hi!) as you know from my last experience, I may think a man is a great guy, and he turns out to be so different. The card wasn't there before because I have been in his drawers before (not snooping) to look for tape, cds, etc. He lets me in his house alone all the time, but I don't know what to think of it, because he knows I can see whats in those drawers, and he is out of town this week, and im staying at his place. Its either no big deal to him, and he sees her as no threat to me, or he is just sentimental and keeps everything. I keep old love notes from ex's, but not in the open where I know someone can see it. I guess I should think that if he was hiding something, or if he still had feelings for her, he would hide it and not let me see that stuff. Am wrong? Thanks for your comments.

I have a simple question regarding an ex of my boyfriend. I don't know the circumstances of their breakup, but from what I saw and know, they were seemed friendly when they broke up. The fact that he is no longer with her has to mean something, but he always talks nice about her if she comes up. That does not mean that they didn't have a hard relationship, as I don't ask or snoop. she is much closer to his age than me, and I always fear that if their relationship seemed so good, he may go back to her. I saw a card, and it was from Christmas either last year or years before, but he still had it in his drawer. It said that he was a wonderful man and he taught her so much, and she thanked him for that. She signed it with "much health, I love you." I know this is probably old, but it still hurts to see that stuff. We have been together for over a year now, and he keeps his phone out all the time, and his life is pretty open to me. Why does this bother me? I wouldn't expect him to get rid of his memories from any ex, but it still bothers me that he may still love her. Am I totally off?? Im embarrassed to even be asking this...

Ms. Omniac, you are right on. Its not that he doesn't really care, because I know he does, but like you and everyone else has pointed out, he is handling things in a childish manner, and it shows. He WONT tell me where he is hearing these things about me, but he KNOWS that im keeping something. It can work 2 ways, I understand how I may be frustrating him, but he knows that Im still healing, and he can leave if he wants to! Not ask or get others involved.. It just ruined a lot of my attraction for him when he did that. Do I just tell him I need my space right now? Im really not feeling it too much anymore. Thanks everyone for your great responses!

Well, I haven't posted in a while, but I had finally ended things after being in a pretty abusive relationship for almost 3 years. It was mostly verbal, but on 2 occasions physical. Anyways, I had ended that relationship about 5 months ago, I know, I stayed too long, but my self esteem was just gone.. Anyways, I met a new guy at church 3 months ago who is has been absolutley awesome. He has is closer to my age, very cool, and has very similar values as myself. He respected my situation, and took things slow, and just really showed he cared in so many ways. Last night though, he called me up and kinda went off on how he thinks im lying to him, he is sick of me always trying to dodge hanging out, and how Im not being fair to him. I have been honest and told him that I just want to be friends right now as I am still recovering from the abusive relationship i was in, and he was understanding. BUT, he started saying that our church is very small, (which it is not by any means) and that he knows that Im not being honest with him. I kept asking him who he was talking to, and who he thinks knows me so well in that church to give him "solid" proof im lying. he said that is not important, he just doesn't want me to lie to him. He basically would not tell me what he was talking about, and it got me so mad! He really hurt me, and I know I say sometimes that I will hang out, and I cancel sometimes, but its with at least a days notice. He is fully aware I am still recovering from my past relat. but he thinks that the reason I don't hang out all the time is because Im covering something up. Im not, and his accusations and him saying he has "valuable sources" and good hunches in regards to me not being truthful just hurt me. am i overreacting?? It sucks to hear someone tell you they have proof you are lying, yet not tell you from whom or where..

Hey Girl: I haven't been on here in a while, but I am sorry to see that you are still even giving this loser the time of day. Honey, please, I beg you, change your phone # or do something to get rid of him. Remember we were in the same situation? It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I stopped all methods of contact between my ex and i, and he had NO way to hurt me again that way. I remember you said you go to church. Change your #'s, emails, any line of contact, and just get really involved with church and whatever passion you may have. I don't want to see your life destroyed by him. PLEASE do this, so he will no longer have a way to hurt you. It WILL get easier, I promise.

Itry: Wow. your story is almost a mirror image of my past situation. I know exactly what you are going for, but i have to tell you that I am so very proud of you for what you have done. Its not easy at all! When you have been abused, its soo much harder to leave, and some people never do. My ex did the same thing to me...choked me once, broke my cell phone in a jealous rage, and called me every degrading and derogatory name in the book. It was absolutley hell, but I loved him so much, and I wouldn't leave him for the longest time. Finally, it hit me at the oddest time that I needed to get out. That time was when he was treating me like a princess, apologizing, and trying everything to make it right to me. I had also met someone who treated me so very nice, and I knew then that there were men who would treat me like a queen all the time, and never dream of abusing me even once. You did the right thing, please believe that, because unless your ex has gone through some serious therapy, its only a matter of time that he will begin abusing you again. They DO NOT CHANGE. If you have a child, that it reason enough to end it. I can imagine that if you got married, he would feel he now has complete control over you, and who knows what he would do to you. Just remember that there are thousands of nice men out there, and soon your head will be clear, and you won't mind the fact that you will be alone. Hang in there and be strong ok

It will only get worse... I hope you are going to leave ASAP

You need to get out as soon as you can. Don't wait for his calls. Move on. I waited too long, but I am finally out and it feels so good

I am so sorry to hear that. Just stay strong, for yourself and your little baby that is relying solely on you. Surround yourself with family and friends. At least you found this all out about him before you married him. He is not worth it, trust me. It will get better, I promise you! It took me a little while, but right now, I hardly think of him. My son looks like him, but you know what, that doesn't even bother me. Don't get me wrong, I do get a little sad about the situation, but it is truly for the best. Think of your child first, ok. Your ex sure doesn't, and why would you ever want someone like that in your life, let alone raising your child? It does get better, it really does

He sounds like he is heartless to do this to you. I wanted to respond to you because I was once in a sorta simlilar situation. I never moved in with my boyfriend at the time, but we did love each other, and had something going. When I told him I was pregnant, he turned into a monster. He went back to his ex, and wanted me to get an abortion. When we talked on the phone, or if i went over to his home, he would be obsessed about his ex, who is now his gf, finding out that I was over. So, I had to make the hardest decision in my whole life. I cut out all contact with him. He called me a few weeks after, making sure that I had gone through with the abortion. I told him i did, even though i didn't. I chose to keep my baby. I wouldn't let this man, who turned into an absoulute horrible, angry, and verbally abusive person, rule my life. Long story short, you can go on with your life without this man. Focus on you and your baby. He no longer matters, and in the future, he may come around. So far, the father of my son has not contacted me, he doesn't even know he has a son. I placed my son for adoption in a wonderful home, in which I am able to see him anytime I want. I am not telling you what to do with the baby, but the point of my reply to you is to tell you how you you can go on with life without him. Focus on taking care of yourself, and the little miracle you are carrying. Someday my sons father may come around, but until then, my son is way better of without him in his life. He is the happiest little boy I have ever seen, and I couldn't be happier with my decision.