psycho magnet

Well that's fair enough, I forgot I had used the word "hot" twice. But the sense in which it's not directly related to my point is that that phrase is simply one possible way of being direct. For example, imagine the same scenario where I give her my number but I say, "Hey text me some time if you'd like," or "I thought you might want to grab a drink sometime, text me if you'd like." Or something else that is more smooth. MissCanuck, are you saying that ANYTHING I say in the giving-her-my-number scenario would be amateur-ish? Or just the use of "hot"? I get your point, but the thing is, I've seen guys get ignored in a similar way in social contexts even when they are trying to start a friendly conversation. It's happened to me before a few times at bars where I was waiting for my drink and tried to talk to the girl next to me, and got either ignored or got a one line, annoyed response before she walked away. How short are we talking about? Even just, say, one small exchange in the grocery store? This still makes the most sense to me. Granted, but I've already tried the other traditional methods many times and met women that way (including several long term partners). I'm frankly still using those methods, from dating apps to social groups I'm part of. I'm just trying to expand my possibilities given that I'm single again. Plus if you're a guy, it's always more strikes than hits. Plus, sometimes I see women in public that I am very, very attracted to and are 100% my type, why not give the direct approach a shot? If I'm such a woman I'm imagining that I have 100s of guys waiting on dating apps, and plenty other men in my life biding their time, trying to be nice, hoping to be the next in line, etc. But what about the guy (me!) who has the balls to approach her after a small verbal or non-verbal exchange in the store or coffee shop or wherever, wouldn't I be more likely to jump to the front of the line? Obviously I understand that it depends on the woman, but we're talking about probabilities here.

Wow! I didn’t expect so many responses. Thanks everyone for weighing in. I think some of you got a bit too caught up on the phrase “hot” which is really not directly related to my point. I’m not sure that was the phrase I even used, I might have literally just said I found her attractive. And keep in mind that it worked. Also perhaps it’s my fault for the way I asked the question but I wasn’t necessarily looking for advice on how ELSE to talk to women, I was curious about this particular strategy of being direct. Of course I know the strategies of trying to strike up a conversation, joining groups, going to events, etc. I think it’s interesting that some of you said it would be creepy to just give a girl my number in that it would suggest I just want to get laid. And this isn’t true for ANY dude that just comes up and talks to you out of nowhere? You realize that’s a minority of men to begin with who do this right? Many of the guys asking you about the product you picked out at the grocery store equally want to get in your pants, and I'm not sure how much you can get to know a woman in like 3 minutes or however long the conversation lasts. I guess what I’m getting at is that both methods can be seen as superficial, so why not cut through the nonsense and be direct? As we’ve seen from your responses, at least one of you (yogacat) likes the approach for the reasons I thought: it takes pressure off the woman and shows confidence. And really I think it is about confidence, as you said mylolita. Whichever method is used, you’re more likely to have success if you exude confidence. The social media thing wouldn’t work for me as I am off social media for the last several years. I had thought about the business card, Coily, but couldn’t that come off as cheesy? I think of Tom and his douchey friend from Parks and Rec. Superstickone, in reference to the strategy you said, “This puts the onus on me when it should be the man who follows up.” What do you mean by “should”? This to me sounds like an old fashioned conception of gender roles, and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the rest of you are (consciously or unconsciously) driven by such a consideration. Forgive me, but it doesn’t seem that different from saying that “it should be the woman who cooks.” In any case, I do appreciate the feedback and it has, by and large, been helpful.

So before getting to the meat of my question I wanted to give a couple of examples from my life. When I was much younger I would sometimes be studying at a coffee shop and I'd see a woman I was attracted to near me. The rare times I had the guts to say something to her it generally didn't go well. I think one time I asked for her number after an awkward conversation and she gave me a fake number. Another time (slightly different context) I was hanging out at a bar with a couple friends and one of their friends came to hang with us. I was attracted to her immediately. Feeling particularly confident for some reason I asked if I could talk to her outside literally within a few minutes of meeting her. She said yes and I told her directly I thought she was hot and would like to see her again sometime. She said she wanted to also and immediately gave me her (real) number. Didn't end up working out but we did date for a few months. My question is really about being direct and how direct it is appropriate to be without making a woman feel uncomfortable, which is the last thing I want to do. Rather than trying to talk to a woman in public and work towards asking her for her number, I've been considering lately just giving her my number on a piece of paper. BUT, only if there is some indication of interest. I had a couple of recent experiences where I didn't do anything but wonder if I could/should have. In one case I was shopping and there was a woman shopping by herself. She smiled at me as we were on the same aisle together, which of course could just be politeness. But then we happened to walk out of the store together into the parking lot and she turned to me and smiled again, bigger this time. Again could totally be coincidence, but there's a chance it wasn't (so you're telling me there's a chance...). What if I had walked up to her and said, "Hey sorry to bother you but I think you're hot, text me if you're interested," then handed her the paper with my number and walked away? My logic is that if she's not interested she can just throw it away. And this cuts down the awkwardness of a bad conversation like the aforementioned one in the coffee shop. But it's also direct and shows confidence. Of course I'm only talking about cases in which there is some potential indication of interest, and it's gotta be an informal context - not like a barista who is paid to be friendly. In other cases I've been eating my lunch at the park and exchanged a couple of words with a woman on another bench. Not a conversation but something simple like, "Wow what a nice day to be at the park." What about giving a woman my number in cases like these? That's my question. And for any of you heterosexual women who might respond, what would you think if a guy did that to you? I should add one more thing. I'm a tall, decent looking guy (or so I've been told). And I generally do not have a creepy or intimidating demeanor. I know this stuff shouldn't matter but it does.

Thanks, all makes sense. I understand now how she could think I only want to hook up. I genuinely want more, I really like her and had a great time. And yes it was a drunken hookup but we had also gone on that first date that only involved only one light drink and three hours of great conversation. Also I've only had a couple of drunk hookups in my life before, and they were full-blown one night stands where I also wasn't interested in seeing the person again. As mentioned, in this case we had a previous date and talked a lot even before hooking up. Still, I get it. I sent her a text today apologizing if I came off too strong and telling her that I am just interested in spending more time with her, whatever happens. I told her I understand if she feels differently now, but that if she's free this weekend it would be great to hang out again. It's all the truth.

So I met another woman down here where I am living for several months, and I’m keeping it on the same thread since it’s the same overall trip. First of all, this new woman is way more my type and, frankly, hotter than the last one I was talking about in this thread – which obviously makes me feel good. But as always I am still seeking advice. The first weekend we met up we had a great time – nice dinner, talked for several hours, etc. But nothing happened besides a hug at the end. During the next week I think I texted her once, and she replied, but I was just assuming it wouldn’t really go anywhere and she wasn’t that interested. But then she texted me that Friday to ask what I was doing. I said I was hanging out with some other friends from the school I was studying at (true), but that we could meet after. She didn’t get back to me. The next day she apologized, and I said don’t worry about it. Then, the next Tuesday I thought of her and sent a “feeler” text asking if she wanted to try to meet up again this week and try again. This time she said yes, much more enthusiastically. I organized a nice dinner at a popular restaurant, and we met up on Thursday night. It went pretty well. After the dinner, I told her I had a place we could go back to, but she wanted to go to another bar first. We did, and then I reminded her again that we could go back to my place (in a very nonthreatening way), and she indicated interest. We took an uber back to my place and hooked up. But it was more than just a hook up: we talked for several hours first, she told me she felt comfortable around me, we cuddled, and she ended up staying the night in my bed – leaving in the morning around 9pm for work. She told me that it was difficult for her to initially feel comfort with someone since her ex husband she’d been with for like 8 years. I made the first move. She even told me that she’d gone out with one other guy since we met and it was super awkward and that it was way better with me. Since then it’s been a bit over a week. I texted her the next day after we hooked up with flirtatious, intimate stuff. She was responsive but also said she was hurting at work for being so drunk the night before with me – and to be clear I’m on my sabbatical so have a lot of free time, but she is a child psychologist involved pretty intimately with her work. Based on all we talked about, it genuinely seems like she is busy and has a demanding job. Still I wished her well and left her alone for about four days. Then in the middle of the week I texted her to see how she was doing. She was still responsive, though she also told me how incredibly busy she is this week in particular and that she would have more time next week. She told me that she is changing offices and that in addition to her normal consultations with parents, etc., there is a bunch of logistical stuff to worry about. Obviously I told her I feel for her, which I do, but I also added a few messages about giving her a massage to de-stress her (after all, we hooked up). She told me how good it sounded and how tempted she was to come over, but that she simply had too much work this week. We talked about going to the beach Saturday and she told me that she’d let me know if she could make it by Friday. Although she is always responsive, I am usually the one who initiates contact. And she didn’t contact me Friday or Saturday about the beach and hasn’t contacted me this week yet. My question is, should I just let it go at this point? Or try one more time to text her? She did say she’d have more time this week. But usually when someone rarely initiates contact it means that they’re not that interested or they’re keeping you around just in case. If it weren’t for the fact that we spent that night of physical and emotional intimacy together, I wouldn’t be concerned and would just move on. I’m also asking for advice here because now that I’m in my early 40s, I’m much more attracted to more mature women in their 40s also, or 30s. She is 36, for example. If you look at my previous posts, you’ll see that I was in my 30s dating women in their early 20s who were often quite immature (an understatement). As someone who is not as accustomed to dating more mature women, am I missing something that I should know?

Thanks y'all. All good points. Didn't mention to gender it, the dynamic can definitely work both ways.

Also serious question: if as a man you jump at a woman's every whim, won't they start to take you for granted and possibly put you in the friend zone? Won't it take away the mystery? Can't it make you seem desperate if you're always available regardless of the circumstances?

Ok but I wasn't busy at first and told her I wanted to hang out, not only that but I got right back to her enthusiastically and said it sounded really fun. It would most likely have been us two at the brewery for the whole night. But then she goes to the airport, doesn't tell me why, and gets back to me hours later when the night is already basically over? Plus she tells me that now, she's with another friend and I can join them if I want? That's a bit more cold that inviting me directly, or even saying it would be cool if you came or something like that. Plus (!) she says she's only gonna have one drink (maybe) and go back home pretty quick. This seems less like spontaneity and more like flakiness, as Batya says. I don't think I was avoiding her since I told her I wanted to hang and waited several hours for her, it was only when I thought she wasn't gonna get back to me that I did something else. That said, I am gonna give it a day or two and try one more time because she did reply to my last text later last night. This time I'm gonna be spontaneous and ask her to join just right before I'm about to do something.

You're right Wiseman, and I told her I wanted to go. Then like an hour later, she texted to say she had to go to the airport. I said no worries but I hope she's not leaving the city. Then like three hours later she texted me back to say that she's leaving in a few weeks (I guess she was buying a ticket at the airport??). Then she said she doesn't want to stay out too late tonight but might go out for one drink with a friend (another woman, but different than the one I mentioned before whom I know) around 9:30pm. She said I could join them if I wanted. I told her, more or less, "girl you crazy!" in a playful tone and told her I'm already doing something else (true), and that maybe next time would be better. I don't know, she seems all over the place and now I am the one starting to lose interest. I think I've made my intentions fairly clear and am not interested in playing too many games. I'm gonna be here for three months still, so I can meet other people.

Thanks I appreciate it. I overanalyzed it for sure. And it's true that from her perspective I didn't text her for like four hours and then said I was tired and going home. Plus, she seems a bit spontaneous so asking her "what you doing tomorrow?" probably wasn't the best approach. But good news! She hadn't texted me back until today about 2pm, so I texted her something that more or less said (in Spanish so the translation isn't perfect): "No worries, just let me know if you want to go to a dance class or grab a drink when you're free and want company." Takes off the pressure off her and makes me feel like less of a chump for continuing to ask her to do something. But this time she answered me right away and asked me if I wanted to go to a local brewery tonight, though she did also say she's gonna see if her friend wants to go (someone I know too and whom we've hung out with before), but also said that either way she wants to go. I still don't really know what the deal is I guess, but I think now it's worth giving it a few more shots.

Wow it's been so long since I've been on here it's kind of incredible to think about. I've been through a marriage, short relationships, dating.... so much experience and yet I find myself back here again running into more problems with women. Such is life I guess. I am spending three months in a Spanish speaking country to improve my Spanish on my Sabbatical (I'm a professor), and I met a woman here (let's call her Mary). At first we hung out together with another group of people. It was a lot of fun, we went to a few different bars. And I asked for her number and she put it in my phone. We talked here in there and she seemed interested in my research, she has an MA in a subject similar to mine. All of us talked about going to the beach together on Sunday (this was Friday). We texted a bit Saturday about the plans for the beach more. When Sunday morning arrived I slept in a bit too much (unintentionally) and missed the main ride to the beach (with other people). But she texted me saying she and I could go together. Long story short, it ended up being too late for the beach for us, but we decided to hang out that evening instead. I suggested dinner and she said she wanted to go to a museum first. We did both and more. Long story short again, I felt like it was a pretty incredible night and she at least seemed to think so at the time. I have enough experience with women to know some of the signs of apparent interest: she was flirtatious, laughing a lot at dumb jokes I made, twirled her hair, etc. But also there was never an awkward moment. She asked me a lot of questions about my career and life and it was give and take: I asked her questions too and didn't talk her ear off or anything. Bonus is that we spoke Spanish the whole time and her level of fluency (she's American too) is on par with mine. The setting was also incredible. At one point we were on a rooftop bar watching the sunset, at another point we walked to a park where there was a concert and even danced together. We drank at the same pace and admitted to being a bit drunk at the end. I considered kissing her when we said goodbye but opted for a hug and telling her it'd be nice to do it again (after all, it wasn't even really a date that was supposed to happen, it just sorta did). She said yes and told me to text her when I got home. I did and she texted back happily. But then the next day... which is today. I texted her about 1pm with a little inside joke we had shared, something with minimal pressure for a response. She texted back a couple of hours later positively. But I was in a 4 hour class so could not text her back until about 7pm when it was over. She had asked me about the class so I told her it was great but tiring (true) and that I was gonna go home and rest. Then I asked her what she's doing tomorrow. She hasn't texted me back still (it's almost midnight) and it seems she's likely to more or less ignore my text until tomorrow, if she responds back at all. Now to be fair, we both talked about having some minor reception problems with our phones (which is true)... but at the same time, not texting someone back for that long is usually a sign that you're not very high on their priority list and she should have been able to get reception within that frame. I understand that attraction can be an on/off switch. So maybe she was into me briefly, but then it clicked off for whatever reason. Maybe the chemistry wasn't as great as I thought in the first place. My question is, do you think I could possibly still have a chance or should I give it up? Even if she texts me back casually tomorrow, my guess is that that's all she wrote (pun intended): when you like someone, you usually stay in contact. That is, unless she says something like, "Oh I'm so sorry I had no reception at all last night!" I could just stop communicating with her, or I could give it a few days and try one more time to hang out again.