-touch-of-heaven-

Hello all, Haven't logged on for a while... I've talked about this subject before, but now things have changed a little. As with all things, it's about a girl. My girl. My EX-girlfriend. It was a year and a half ago, almost to the day (I remember dates, I don't count the days), when we broke up, by her initiative. I was too busy in my army post and her at school, we didn't have time to see each other and she broke it off after 3 weeks of that. Mind you I never once considered a break-up. No matter how tired I was I drove by her home every night when we were together. Just seeing her window, knowing she's inside sleeping soundly and safely, made me feel blessed. I have tried to talk to her, but it's been almost a year since I've last tried that. She's days away from finishing a pre-military academy, and I've started feeling like my time's running out. Let me lay out the facts. 1. She said she doesn't love me. 2. She's said that before. 3. I told her I would get her to feel love again. 4. She did. 5. I didn't give her enough attention and we broke up. I have no idea what she's been doing this past year when she's been at this school. I am still in the army so my time is constricted, but I can't ignore one thing - I've tried - really tried - to fall for someone else. I've dated, had sex (hope that's not too strong a language for this site), and obviously changed a lot in the past year and a half. There have been times, brief periods when I haven't thought about her. But after everything, eventually I sat down to think, and the only thing I could come up with is this: She's the one. She is who I want to spend every second with, I would do anything for her, I would do anything to get her back. I try conjuring up images of girls I've had feelings for before or since, and even try to imagine what kind of girl I'd like to fall in love with other than her - doesn't work. I'm not terribly special in any way. I have a bad sense of humor, working hard on staying in shape, working hard day and night in my position. The only thing that gives me sustinence, is the memories I have of my time with her. She's the one person I could come to when things were wrong and not even have to say a word. She'd just hold me. I probably don't deserve her, I mean who wouldn't give enough time and attention to someone like that, right? But I want your opinion, cause I've been aching over this for too long. Do you think I have a chance? If you do (or don't, for that matter), is there anything you think I should consider? I could fill so much more of this webpage with text, and I'm sure everyone here knows what that's like. Even if no one replies, I thank you for listening. __________________________ she is my ^-touch-of-heaven-^

I thought the title might fit because I'm a soldier with a question about morality in love. My loved one tore herself away from me months ago. I have tried and have not been able to get over her. I have met other women, entered into several short relationships, mostly one-night stands, but even where I felt something deeper could be developing, and even when I allowed it to happen, I yearned only for -her-. I will make this short and to the point. I want another chance with my ex. If something real had been the cause of our breakup I would probably move on, but it was only because of lack of time to see one another. This has changed with my new assignment. Look into your hearts. Everyone has dealt with love lost. Would you try to -form- a situation where you could get back together? Even tread on thin ice in regards to morality while going about doing this? I would welcome any and all answers, and I thank you.

Franky. Communication is always important. I always resorted to telling that person how I felt. One time for instance she told me she missed my company and missed talking to me. I broke down and asked her that if I can't stand not being with her and just talking to her on the phone, how can she expect me to just be a friend of hers? That sort of got her to realize she can't be 'just friends' either. Good luck, man.

netman, You've got to keep in mind that however she dressed, and no matter how many guys stare - you're the one who it's for. It's to keep you interested and turned on, and after all, you're the guy who peels off those layers of clothes at day's end and snuggle up beside her. You, and none of those other guys out there. Keep cool!

SadMan, My advice to you would be to leave her. You shouldn't do this to the other guy involved and -she's- very cruel to do that to him. If you care for her at all, spare her this indignity. If you want a sexual relationship there are plenty of girls out there only looking for sex, but it's been something of a rule for me -never- to get involved with somebody's girlfriend, since I know what the third side feels like - as I'm sure we all do. Just leave her alone, is my advice.

bobsmith, I'm a guy, not a girl, granted, but I think that...you should take a good look at yourself. Ask yourself, do I want myself to get in my way? I have the same condition you have - I analyze things, over and over again. I have sometimes come to the conclusion that either there is no solution, or that it would take too long to find out. Sometimes you just need to go with your feelings, while they're there. Take the chance - worst case is she says no - so what?! Best case is she says 'yes' - do you want to miss out on that?? You can never *know* what 'she' will say, no matter what. That's part of the fun of romance - the unexpectedness. I think if you be honest, tell her that you've noticed her for some time but were hesitant to come up to her because you didn't know what she'd say, but you want to get to know her better because you like her and would she, maybe, sometime wanna go to a movie? Just go for it - you have nothing to lose. You have everything to lose if you don't. Good luck, and tell us how it went.

motolove, Sometimes love can take a wrong turn somewhere. It is hard, there's no doubt about that. I have this philosophy, that in life everything is possible. If you -really- want to, there has to be a way to save your relationship. You have to know if he still wants to, as well, though. If you are both committed to saving this relationship, then that's the first step. Take a moment to contemplate on everything, although I'm sure you already have. Be sure if you do want to go on or if you think it might be better to try splitting your paths. By writing and asking for help you show that you do want to try and stay together. Ask your partner to clear a day, and the two of you, drive out to the countryside. It might be a good choice to go out before, by yourself, and find the perfect place. Sit somewhere, where you can talk calmly. When you two are there, talk to him. Explain to him that you feel, and probably he's felt it too, that something is not moving in the right direction. That you are arguing too much recently, and not making up as much. Make sure that the tone of your voice is soothing. Tell him you want talk this out in a good way. Make sure he knows you want to make it work, because you feel like something is not working. I do have to warn you that since he probably knows something is not right anymore, he's probably thinking about this too, and might have his own opinions. Those opinions might be that perhaps it's time to end your relationship. I think you should, before going out - and by the way I mentioned specifically going out because I believe that you should both get away from the environment of your home. Breath some fresh air - anyway, before going out, you should sit down, and write all the things you want to say. Everything you want to express. All the problems, all the solutions you can come up with, why you want to make it work, why you love him. Write it as a letter to him. It's easier to express your emotions sometimes in this way. Even if you don't give it to him to read, it will make it easier on you - and you might even choose to give it to him. I'm sorry to do this, but I do feel it's required. You should consider counselling. Maybe not even for the both of you, at first, but for yourself. To figure out some more ways you can work with this. I do want you to consider this, even though it isn't something you'd prefer to do. Well, that's my two cents. Hope it helped. Good luck, and keep us posted. The eNotalone.com group therapy program! (j/k) With love,

Nwadour, All I'm trying to tell you is to accept the possibility, that what she had felt for you, is possibly gone. I'm not sure if it was anything too strong in the first place, as you said you only hung out together for a very short time and were never truly romantically tied, and that was a long time ago. That, and other people talking, can cause a lot of change over time. However, I do believe anything is possible. Yes, there is a way you could mend your past mistakes. Yes, you two can be together. And yes, you can be happy for a long time together. But you must realize that I'm telling you all this because of what I just said - that anything is possible. You do have to consider, and I think you're smart and can realize this with no problem, that the chance of this happening is, at least for now, quite low. As you said she walks around the school hanging out with the people you refer to as the 'cool' people in your school, while you get from her only smiles and waves, but not really any deeper conversation. I don't know what you can do to get her, but what ever it is all I know is that the way to get her to be your friend and maybe more, is a difficult one. Now since I don't particularly like being ominous, I will also advise you of what you -might- do. This is what I would do if I were in your situation. People are different from each other, but you might find wisdom in it as well. My advice would be to draft a letter, explaining to her first the type of connectivity you felt with her when she first arrived at your school, second explaining why you stopped contact with her, third apologizing for breaking that contact with her, and fourth telling her what you've come to realize about what you feel about her. I would advise you not, I repeat - not - to tell her you think you love her, but to start it off slow. Telling her what you think of her as a person and why you want to spend time with her. This comes from your own feelings and emotions so whatever else you want to tell her must be your own decision, but tread carefully, so you won't scare her off. Not talking to a girl and all of a sudden coming out saying "I love you" is not what it seems like in the movies, it can seem very frightening at times. Think, also, about how you want to go about telling her after you wrote the letter. Giving her a letter gives her time alone to read, reflect, really think about what she feels about it, and come up with her own reply. Using the letter as something to organize your thoughts before you talk to her, without actually giving it to her, may have it's own affect. Sometimes a conversation is better than a letter. It can also be more difficult, you could lose your line of thought, and leave out things you want to make sure she knows. It can however also work for your advantage. During a conversation you can see how she feels about what you're telling her, and you may choose accordingly if you don't want to say something you would have written in the letter. I want you to be prepared for the possibility that it won't help, too. Get your hopes up, but not so much that they'll all come crashing down if she says that she doesn't want to be your friend any longer. And if she does, know how to read the situation so that if you can try again, do that - and if you can't, maintain your self control, since this will only drive her farther away. I can tell you this much. She smiles, waves at you, remembers your name. This is a good sign, and while a lot of times people are just trying to be friendly, you two spent a while completely engrossed with each other. I believe you have a chance to win back the friend you lost. I don't really know about anything deeper than that, but I think you can get her to be your friend again. I hope you understand, and I hope you will be successful. I hope you will be happy. I apologize if my words were somewhat harsh at times, but I just want to express how I see things. I hope it was helpful. Now go write that letter Nwadour. Good luck, friend.

I called her again tonight. It was such a good conversation again. She seemed so friendly once more, and I was feeling better and better all the time. She told me she agreed to let me deliver my present to her. I had already crafted a beautiful card all by myself, fashioned it especially for her, and it carried what I wished for her and an explanation of the different aspects of the stone I gave her. She said she had to study and I suggested I put it in an envelope so tomorrow morning she could pick it up from her mailbox. I went over and dropped it off, then looked at her window for a moment. The light was on, and I knew she was studying. For an instant I felt my heart surge as I thought I saw her standing there watching me, but it was false hope, it was just a reflection of a wall decoration through her glass windows. I have to say I feel as if I'm falling in love all over again with her. Is that possible? If it is, while I am already in love with her, couldn't she do the same? I'm positive I can make this work. She knows I don't fully understand why we broke up. She couldn't explain it to me either, not fully. She didn't understand it herself. I feel elated, by having known her. I feel above everything just by having had the chance to meet her, and the experience to be in love with her, especially to know that someone like her, loves someone like me. I know she cares, and I know she doesn't want to stir my hopes too much by telling me, and yet, even though I would classify myself as pessimistic by nature, I feel like there is a chance. Lately I've been getting the same responses from friends and everyone to whom I tell this story. I am thankful to have the chance to express it in front of this forum. Thank you, mermayd, for being there. I'm glad we can help each other out, and I hope for all of us, you, me, and whoever is reading, that everything will turn out good, in the end. I have to go now, must get some sleep. May everyone have a good, calm night. Sleep tight. Goodluck to you all.

Hello everyone, I've shared this problem once before, but it has not really been solved yet. I've had trouble dealing with this and, well we're all here to help each other, so I thought I'd bring it up again. It's my ex-girlfriend. I'm still in love with her. We broke up 10 weeks and a day ago (I'm the type of person who remembers events by the minutes too so it's not unique that I'm counting). We were together for almost a year, and at the last few weeks we were going through some not so good times. I was busy and so was she, we couldn't get together to see each other except on weekends, and we barely had time to call each other, and a lot of times the calls didn't go through for some reason. I'm in the army but I come home every day, and even if i couldn't see her I would go to her home everynight, no matter what time, just to feel the comfort of knowing I'm close to her. Well we had a week where we didn't talk. That didn't bother her and she thought that she shouldn't string me along if it didn't matter to her that we weren't talking. So she broke it up. What I find difficult to accept about this is that we didn't get the chance to try. We were together for close to a year and because of one or two weeks of not much communication it was over. I have tried to get her back. I have tried to stay away after the first didn't work. I find myself unable, or unwilling to let go. There is a reason for this. Unlike so many break-ups in the past, I do see, and very clearly so, a future for her and I. I can feel this is not the way things are supposed to be. She still cares for me, and she says she is 'between good times'. I can't really accept things the way they are. Today is the one year anniversary of the day I met her. Since she has been the most unique and special person in my life during that year, I made something for her. A necklace with an Agat chalcedony blue stone at the center. One of her birthstones, and something that expresses my wishes for her - happiness, success, good wishes and dreams. I was afraid at first to give this to her, so I called her best friend, a guy, to ask only if I should bring the gift to her. I know I shouldn't have called him, but I was too afraid to call her. I was afraid I might upset her somehow because I was bringing her a gift. Anyway he said I should. He then said I should then give her some time. I hadn't requested any help in getting her back, he volunteered this. I felt immediately a surge of hope, but I knew to remember things could turn out badly for me if I hang all my hopes in those words. I couldn't very well ignore them though, could I? I called her today, to ask her what she decided. It was not clear. She didn't answer but asked me what purpose would it serve. Why did I want to give her this necklace? So she would look at it and remember? She also remarked about me calling her friend and said (and I couldn't help but feel bad about myself) that I had no right calling her best friend. She was right of course, no matter that I wasn't calling for help in any romantic subject, just that present, she was still right. She also said it was not his place to say to me what he had said. So I'm left, tonight, without knowing whether or not I can bring her the necklace, without knowing whether or not I should have -any- hope for anything, and without the will to move on to another girl. I am in love with her, completely. I can't disregard what we had, what he had said to me, what I feel for her, and that she said she still cares about me, that I am important to her. Nor can I disregard that despite everything, we connected again today like we hadn't done since the break up. We talked and laughed, and it felt like what it used to feel like. If we can be like that, and I've seen that we can - how can I give up? And what should I do next? Awaiting any comment whatsoever. Gratefully yours. _______________________________ she is my ^-touch-of-heaven-^

Nwadour, I'm going to give you two possibilities, although I know there may be more. First one, is that this is one of those situations where, you know someone, but don't quite know their name, you just recognize their face. So you say hi, and move on. If she's...a young popstar as you say, it's only natural you should know her name - but she might not really know who you are, but only knows she sees you around and finds your face familiar and thereforeeeeeee is friendly towards you. I know this personally from the other point of view. I used to walk around in school, and recognize many different faces, and say hi to those people, trying to avoid attempting to guess their names, because I didn't have any clue to what they were. I have somewhat of a poor memory in that sense too. The second, is that she's just trying to be nice towards everyone. She knows who you are, and feels something of a will to be nice to you. You said that not many girls in your school speak to you, and that you classify yourself as a looser/nerd. If you classify yourself like that, by the way, there's no way anyone else will think better things of you - you've got to make changes in your life, but that's another subject. I'm willing to discuss this and offer advice in this field as well if you want. Simply contact me. Anyway, I think you're a logical guy, you choose which of these possibilities is more likely. I'm sorry to be blunt Nwadour, but I don't think you should analyze her actions too deeply. I believe all she wants from you is friendship, and I believe that you might be in for hurt and pain. As someone in her profession, she is bound to get mass attention and thereforeeeeee her attention to you will shrink, and you would be caught dragging after her. As well as the fact that she might not even be interested in anything more than saying hi in the school corridors. Perhaps she wants nothing more. I hope you see that for yourself you should not build much of a high hope on her. I can't tell you it won't be difficult to cope with it, but in the long run, I promise you - it will be better for you. Good luck friend, ^-touch-of-heaven-^

JiN, I know what you're feeling. I had a girlfriend I loved very much. We broke up and got back together and she told me that during the break-up she was introduced to some guy who after an evening out asked her if she wanted to fool around, and when she said no he replied saying too bad, and that he would have liked to get between her breasts. I'm sorry for being somewhat graphic here, but I was totally obsessed with the idea of someone else even talking that way to -my- girlfriend. I was upset, and angry, and I wanted to pound him to a pulp. In fact I still do. Badly. This never gets any easier, but JiN, think for a second about this. She would have found someone anyway, it doesn't matter if it's this guy or someone else. Eventually you'll find someone too. Maybe you would even find her again. Who knows? Point is it angers you, but the toughest challenge you have to face is letting it go. Because if you give in to this emotion, then everytime you come accross someone who angers you, you might have to face the illogical and frustratingly forceful thought that "you hurt that guy then, so why not hurt this guy now?" For your own sake I ask of you to hold yourself back. If you need to, pound the hell out of a punch bag, or kick a tire or something until your leg hurts like hell, but resist this urge. Resist it, and I think you'll find you feel like a better man for not giving in to your urges. You'll find you feel like you're better for it. Good luck, friend. ^-touch-of-heaven-^

mermayd43, I want you to listen to what I've got to tell you very closely. I'm going to try to help you solve some of the things that are bothering you. I want you to know that if you want to talk, I'm here for you. Contact me and I'll give you my ICQ number, my e-mail, anything, alright? Now you've said you feel lonley, and that your boyfriend is still unclear about how he feels for his ex-girlfriend. You need a change in your life mermayd. You need something new to focus on. I don't know why you moved away from home, and how far, but I think you should think about finding a new interest. A job, a hobby, a friend, anything. Work would offer you the chance to meet new people, who could be your friends. Getting together with people who enjoy the same things you enjoy would offer you the chance to find friends you can relate to better. I always felt that we interact best with the people who grew up near us, they usually went through roughly the same things we did. Maybe you should find yourself a coffee shop near to where you live, and make a habit of reading the newspaper down there at such a time every day. You might meet people there as well. About the anxiety attacks...well you should definitely go see someone about that. Tell your story to this person, and mention your past addictions. There are medications out there that are addictive only psychologically and only if used for a long time. I know this because I am treated with some for anxiety about combat (a long story). This person could make sure he doesn't give you enough for you to cause damage. First thing I want you to do though, is just go out and find a place you're comfortable in. Not many do this, drive around, think about where in your city, not many people go to. Find a garden, a hill outside your city, some place you can go and look over the city and be alone. To think with yourself. Go there whenever you need some time alone. I think, that without the distraction of watching your boyfriend on the computer all the time you might even consider that maybe he doesn't treat you like you should be treated. No one deserves being there to take someone else's place. I think he isn't over his previous girlfriend, honey. I think he's using you. I hope I'm wrong, but that's what I think. I want you to contact me for anything. Anything at all. I'm here, and I'll help as much as I can. Hope you feel better. Good luck. ^-touch-of-heaven-^

Sweetie, look... I don't know a lot about you two, I'm only talking from what you've told me, so if you want me to give you better advice, you're going to have to tell me a little more, but right now what I think is...I'm not sure he really loves you right now honey. I know it's hard to hear, but I don't think he does. I think he's making excuses and just trying to get away. Now let me tell you I believe anything is possible in life. Tomorrow morning you could win the lottery, or find someone new. It depends on what numbers you put down on the ticket you fill tonight, and on whether or not you go to the movies tonight and go out to get more popcorn in the middle. I mean two things. First, that if you really want something consider what you're doing, think about it carefully, and after all that, remember that if you still want it, anything can happen, it just depends on the chain of events that leads up to it. Think about what you need to do to make it happen - every single step. Second, I mean that the unexpected can happen. If you decide to move on with your life, and focus on making yourself happy, going out with friends and just generally having fun, you'll find someone who is worthy of you, who will treat you better and won't say he doesn't get enough time for you - he will make the time to see you. I'm a soldier and when I wanted to see my girlfriend I took a three hour longer bus ride to base just to stop off at her house so I could see her - and this is the military I'm talking about. Whatever he does, he didn't make enough effort to see you. I hope you find your better half soon honey, Good luck ^-touch-of-heaven-^

Krikkit, First off, I don't think there is any 'norm'. What you prefer is your own choice and your right. If you happen to fall for a girl's personality before you are attracted to her physically, well I think that's actually a good thing. Of course I'd advise you to make sure you protect yourself. I think you might be vulnerable to a lot of pain if you let yourself get involved with a girl whom you fancied for her personality first and only then found her attractive physically. Most guys fall in love with few girls but consider the majority of their relationships as...'short love'. Mostly physical, with some emotion involved. I think you need to be careful. And if you should find that you fancy a girl physically before you get to know her first, good for you. Good luck, friend. ^-touch-of-heaven-^