venquessa1607306442

I think only you can answer that for yourself. There is active waiting, which is what you are doing. And passive waiting, which is where you put it on the back burner (so to speak) and leave it for a while. At the moment your saying "Ill wait" to him, so he feels he has plenty of time.

Maybe while he sees you there waiting, he knows he has time to hedge his bets and wait around before deciding anything. Maybe if you turn away, and I don't mean NC, but distract yourself elsewhere, it might force him to move towards you if he wants you, for fear you might just walk away.

This will probably be a long post. I probably won't send it, but if I do, sorry for boring you all. I got rather abruptly dumped by my -what I thought was my soul mate- after 7 years together without warning. I'd already been slipping into depression, but held onto the fact that bar a career I had everything else sorted. Friends, home, family, girlfriend, social life, love life etc. etc. That changed when she left me. It was so unexpected that the depression collapsed around me and eveloped me completely. My social life dwindled, my best mates gave up on me, one ignored me, one was moving away anyway. My life all but stopped. This happened xmas 2002 and spanned through most of 2003. (There are probably a few posts still on here from then, if they haven't been culled). Me and her had experimented a bit with drugs. I'd smoked a bit of pot before, but we got into amphetamines, speed, Ecstasy and very occasionally cocaine. Clubs, all night parties and so on. It was kept under control, mostly. We didn't destory our lives of anything, just wasted a lot of money, had some good times and did little damage. I was able to walk away from this quickly, without too much damage. Thankfully. (I've seen others come off far worse). When I tried Ecstasy after the break up it was just so different without her, without being in love, without someone else there along with you. The come down was horrendous, what with depression and having to come home from a party the next morning to a cold lonely room with noone and nothing to do but be depressed. I quickly swore that was it with those drugs. Since then I've been making slow and painful progress. It's all up hill from square one. So much to redo, now I'm over 30, everything I'd built up in my 20s was gone, all to be redone. All made much harder with the feeling of depression and loss and hopelessness. The only thing I did hold onto was my career progress. Got a degree, which I am very proud of as the last 2 years of it I was fogged with depression, but still got a 2:1 in IT. I still don't have a job though At 32 people not only expect a degree but at least 2 years experience. It's only in the last few months I've really started to push out into life and find and refind friends and social life. Started to frequent the pub again, met some old friends and some new ones. Met some people on the job training program I'm on. Was looking up. I'd had one long distance relationship, a late rebound really. Lots of travelling was fun, but expensive. It turned out the relationship was going any further than what it was, as far as I was concerned and after a year and a half and it became apparent she wanted more, I ended it as the only decent thing to do. Asides that in the last 4 years I've only had 2 or 3 sexual encounters and no relationships. The 'encoutners' never came to anything, mostly incompatible or just drunk and they quickly vanished without much thought. Before xmas I met an old friend a girl... I'd dated her friend for a few months 12 years ago. She said we should hang out and get to know each other, she was having a party on boxing night and invited me. I liked this girl, we'd kissed once before and I had a remote thought I would see what could come of us getting to know one and other. Day before xmas eve, a Saturday I thought I'd have some beer in the house instead of going out. Bought enough for 2 nights because it was cheaper. Ended up drinking both nights beer in one. Not too bad, but it left me hungover on xmas eve and no real appeitite. I then went out on xmas eve night. Not a big night, just a few pints and a laugh. Still I was hungover on xmas day with even less of an appeitite for xmas dinner, which I only picked at. Drunk more on xmas day, a bottle of wine and a few whiskeys and was again hungover on boxing day morning (or rather afternoon). I still didn't eat anything before I went out to this house party. BIG MISTAKE! I kinda knew it was stupid. 3 days prior drinking with barely anything to eat was not a wise thing to go out to a party on. I went anyway, thinking the party would be average and I'd be getting a taxi home in the early AM. I was wrong. The party was a blast. Went on all night and I didn't get home under 5pm the next day. I met my friends sister (call her J) at the party and we hit it off like nothing I've seen in years. She was all the things I was looking for. Inteligent, pretty, sexy, single, no kids, 28, easy to talk to, funny, found me funny, liked similar music, similar nights out and so on. Totally compatible... except it turned out she lived 250 miles away and was going home the very next day. At first I got the (probably correct impression) I was just a quick holiday fling for her. She was very forward. We twice tried to have sex at the party, but both times got interrupted. The first time it was so close it wasn't even funny! Her sister complaining about us using her room. By the time they had screamed at each other I'd lost the mood. Tried to get it back when we were alone again, but J changed her mind, dressed and vanished saying stuff like, "We don't even know each other, I don't want to smootch and cuddle!", In other words she wanted a quick shag and that was that. Blokes don't often get to feel cheap and used, but this was one of those times. At some point someone offered me a line of what was supposedly cocaine. Really it was just some crap a local dealer had cut up. I hadn't done anything like this in over 2 years, but I was drunk and foolish and accepted. It was definitely not coke. Amphetamine based, but cut with god knows what. We sorta avoided each other for a while and felt sorry for ourselves, but when we sat down together again we quickly appologised and were in each others arms again. The second time was just as bad, the moment we got alone and were nearly completely undressed the door started banging. This time is was just some idiot trying to be funny. He didn't need into the room, he just knew someone was trying to have some privacy and was being funny. Again this destroyed it and we gave up. Another line of coke (rolls eyes - idiot!) We spent the rest of the night cuddling, half sleeping on a bean bag in front ot the open fire. Quite romantic actually. We had sneaky foreplay for hours, I'll not bore you. At one point she turned and "You were right. It is nicer like this" and kissed me. We were close the rest of next morning too. A good sign I thought. If a girl is still close and cuddily when sober the next morning with a hangover, it usually means she is actually interested in something more than just a night. I took a nap and was woken by J to give me a big hug and kiss ... she was leaving to go back home. I'd so prepared myself that she was just a one night thing. I went back to sleep. ... but when I woke, she was the very first thing I thought about and my heart sank. Damn it! I thought. Not this * * * *. Not the yearning unfulfilled, unfullfillable heart. I really hate that, been there too many times. Not to mention the unfullfilled sexual urges that had been only tempted and teased all night. Then there was the coke hangover, the booze hangover, the fact I hadn't eaten in 3 days! I got a taxi home and went to bed at 5pm. Slept until 10pm. When I got up I was pretty much destroyed. 10pm, the house cold and quiet, noone around, noone to phone, nt able to concentrate on anything, feeling totally like * * * *, physically, mentally and emotionally raw. No escape to sleep either, I'd slept about 8 hours through the day already. I haven't felt that bad in 4 years, it was like a complete cast back to xmas 2002 when I was dumped, totaly relapse into depression. All I could do was drink coffee and think things round and round and round working myself up more and more and more. I still had no appetite, but knew I had to eat something. Attempting a sandwhich I couldn't manage a mouthful without wretching. Not one of the things that happened would have caused anything like this. Not the girl, not the booze, not the not eating, not the coke. All of them together was a recipe for totaly depression melt down. Real edge of the world stuff. I've never been one to consider suicide an option at any time, and at times like that night, I was very glad of that. It's like nothing can ease the pain, nothing can stop you doing the "what if"s nothing can stop you thinking, nothing can cheer you up. The party, the girl and so on I should be estactic about. Best night I've had in a long time, best girl I've met in a long time. I should be highly confident that I pulled (or was pulled by) such a beautiful girl, even if it was just a one night thing. Instead I was racked through with depression and dred, regret, yearning, loneliness. When I got free of the hangover and managed to eat something the next day, I felt happier. I was still thinking about J though. I knew it was silly. Knew I had to stop it, forget it and move on, but I just couldn't. I hovered in my mind and heart, thinking of the times we come so close, but not actually done it. The way she had changed from just wanting a quick shag to actually being cuddily with me, how she'd remained close the next morning, how she'd woke me up to say goodbye, the look in her eyes towards me as she left. Just as I fell asleep that night thinking the last dregs of the hangover would be gone tomorrow and I'd have a clear mind and could work on getting busy with something else and take my mind off it all.... my throught got sore. Flu. Some bugger had given me the flu at the party. The next day it hit hard. God damn it! I get rid the hangover, looking up and I get the flu. Another several days with a tired and depressed mind, feeling like * * * * and not able to concentrate on anything but to mull and fret over my life and the state it's still in. How much more work I have to do and so on... How I'd had one element of the life i wanted to build walk into it, engulf me completely and then vanish. Life and it's little twists eh? Right pain in the back side those. Flu most times is ugly, but when you are down on strength, poorly fed, still hungover, and depressed it's actually fairly dangerous. It hit me hard. The only good side was I slept through most of it, which helped keep my mind numb. I had had J's phone number since her sister gave it to me after she left to go home, but didn't want to phone her to be rejected when I felt so bad as I did. She fished for me to find out that J was interested, but... I was here, she was there and there wasn't much that could be done about it, or nothing worth doing about it. This was probably worse than if she had said she wasn't interested at all. It meant I really did have an oppurtunity with someone exactly as I'd wished for, but it had one final unscalable twist that nulled it. I still thought about her. Totally stupid. Why could I not let it go! Depression makes you think negatively. Doesn't really need to be said does it. The way i looked at this was, J was the nicest girl I'd met in 4 years, maybe more like 10 years. So the odds of my meeting someone as special again in the next 4 years is slim. That kinda thinking really can screw your head up. Finally tonight I forced myself to phone J before I got a chance to talk myself out of it. I didn't mention 'us' we just chatted about what we did on New Years and such. A few things were said as sort of asides which basically amounts to: "We don't know each other, so it's silly to try and make anything out of what happened. We will see each other again, but not necessarily in that way again. Maybe in a few months when she is over, or I come over there with her sister for a party." So thats that. Finally the flu is lifting, the hangovers gone completely, it's 2007 now, a new bright year with potential. I know where I stand with J. Not maybe what I'd hoped for but at least I know I won't be fretting over her still if and when I get to see her again. Maybe I'll have met someone else by then, maybe me and J will be like 'that' again, who knows. I'm just trying to put it all to rest and learn some lessons so I don't repeat the nightmare that came with it all. 1. No more amphetamines. Period. 2. Be strict with eating before drinking. It's not worth the danger to not. 3. Don't be so fatalistic about meeting nice girls, there are plenty out there, take each occurrence that doesn't turn into anything as a wave of confidence to build yourself up into a better man for the next ... prettier one. 4. Sitting around thinking about phoning someone in fear of what you might hear, is worse than actually hearing it. It just prolongs the "what if"s. 5. When depressed do try and think of what you have and not what you have not. 6. Keep on pushing. You don't need to win all the battles to win the war. Put it down to skin thickening, growing up, experience and move on to the next battle. Life will not wait on you licking your wounds. Sorry for boring you all. If anyone got this far, thanks for reading. Hopefully others might find something out of my experience to help them. Take care all.

I'm from Ireland, so it's not unfair to say that pub life is by far the largest social industry in my local town. In fact there isn't much else. Maybe a few martial arts clubs, gyms etc. Thing's I've never really been interested in. When I was 19/20 going out to the pub on the pull was quite fruitfull once you got the confidence for it. At 32 however it works out a lot less. I've tried online dating sites, though refused to pay for them and the free options are rather limited. Only person I managed to meet was actually an old aquiantence... that wasn't interested anyway. I'm at college, there are no women on my course and 90% of the women at the college are much too young. I'm sticking with the pub thing as I need to rebuild a social life as well as keep myself open to meeting someone. It's paid off twice recently, indirectly, in that I didn't meet someone in the pub, but I met someone through someone I met in the pub, if that makes sense. House parties, when you can find them are a much better option, though too many often turn out to be mostly single blokes wishing more girls turned up. The pub has advantages like, a high concentration of women, the social oil of alcohol and usually good chear and a laugh. It can be hard on you, pyhscologically and physically. Nothing worse than standing in a room full of people and feeling lonely. I'm looking for other options. The way I see it, I'm 32, done the long term serious relationship + bad breakup + depression, I need to get back on the horse and make progress with my life. I get the feeling that every year that passes with me being single, is a year missing out and the next year it will harder and harder to find a mate. From 30 onwards more and more women have families of their own, commitments, baggage, husbands, kids etc. The options get lower and lower. It seems that in my current circles and watering holes I'm near the top end of the age bracket and most of the single women are under 25 and mostly uninterested in someone my age even if I choose to look for the younger ones. (Age / 2) +9 is a general rule of mine. I suspose I'll keep on working on expanding my social circles and see what oppurtunities emerge. Any other ideas on where to look, other than the pub and my immediate circle of friends?

I do approach girls in the pub or club. Used to work for me too.... when I was 19/20, even found the girl I nearly married that way. However after 4 years single and at 32 it's a 100 times more difficult. I think the approach only works if you have the confidence for it. no fear of failure. stamina to keep trying. the ability to walk away. and... the ability to maintain mistery. You also have to consider that a person can look all but identical (clothes, hairstyle, makeup whatever) from one day to the next, but be totally attractive one day and totally not the next. Attraction is not just 'how you look' as a static photo would reveal of you, but it's much more dynamic. I suspect your problem, or one problem that me and you both have right now is we care too much, we want, we need too much. You don't sound totally desperate, I'm not saying that, but I think for the pub/club pulling crawl you have to put on a disguise of total care free confidence. People who want to meet others in a pub, usually want it to start with just some fun and a frollick. Maybe, be warned, thats all they want. In answer to your question as to whether I'd approach girls alone, with mixed groups or just other girls... I donno. The girlie night out is a dangerous one. If talking to a girl in a girlie group goes well, you get lots of info from the glances, nudges and nods of her friends, they will often even support you, or maybe let you know it's not worth pursuing. If it goes badly, a group of women will tear you apart in seconds. Girls on their own... hmmm... not good. It's just that it makes you feel like you are taking advantage. If a girl is alone there is probably a reason for it. Mixed groups is better. You situ where you were the odd wheel in a couple group would probably be the best situ to be in, i feel. A girl approaching me is an interesting one that doesn't happen all that often. Be warned though, while I might be very interested in the girl, I might not let her know that immediately. So don't take 'not that bothered' as an immediate rejection. Do some scouting, look at body language, eye contact, hands, feet, and so on. They wil tell you more than what he says. Pass him a few times after your first attempt, just smile and walk past make eye contact, don't make it too obvious. If there is no sign of interest after a few passes, give up. Sorry it's not working out for you.

I've done the LDR thing before for a year and a half, over a similar distance. It's only 1 flight about 250miles. Seen each other once a month usually. Not cheap on flights or phone, but I do know they don't last once the relationship needs to move a step forward and not be long distance. There is little stopping me moving by May. But... I think your right. Not worth it. My last time had circumstances totally different than this one. It just pissed me off that someone so 'apparently' ideal shows up, something I've been wishing for for 4 years, all indicators said she was perfect. I know I'd probably find later, as you do, that nobody is perfect, but still. To just not have a chance because she has to immediately vanish. You are also right about not phoning her. On one hand, there is every possibility I can't really trust what her sister told me and I might find something different speaking to 'the girl' herself. I could find out she isn't really interested at all, which would be a release, but I could also find out she is as interested as me, and we both torture each others minds and hearts over the LDR or not LDR thing. If my mind wasn't so negative these days I'd put it down to a fun night at a party where a gorgeous girl wanted me. I should take the confidence and run... wait for the next one... believe there will be a next one and soon... keep my spirits up, instead of chasing phantoms that live 250 miles away and fretting myself silly. Well, thanks for the straight impartial answer you gave.

Just a venting post. Didn't know anywhere else for this, haven't been in for a while, but here goes. Long story short, I've been single, rebuilding my life (slowly) for about 4 years. Had one relationship and a few one night things. I was wishing for the right woman, someone to fall in love with me. Not finding one single instance where it worked for her and me. Boxing night, I went to a party, a friends (female). I sorta expected to put a try on for her, but the night quickly swept me elsewhere. Me and her sister talked most of the night and by midnight were kissing and frolicking. Even ended up naked twice but got interrupted by 'funny folk' banging on the door etc... as you do at parties... and em and her never got 'there'. For me this has happened about three times in the last 4 years. It's usually to be pleasured even if it just leaves nice memories. A treat. I'd heard she lived elsewhere and was only on xmas holidays at home, something told me that was why she was so... wanting. A holiday fling. Nothing more. When we had been around each others arms and more all night I found out she was returning home the very next day. We also discovered that there was more... or possibly more.. to us than just a quick party shag. (if I can say s. h. a g) here. Of course it didn't matter and the last thing I remember from that night and of her, was her waking me up from a sofa where I was sleeping off the night and saying good bye, hugging me and kissing me. It didn't hit me until the next day that she was all the things I'd wished for, but with a twist so bitter I'm totally dismayed. She was beautiful, inteligent, sexy, the right age (28), kid free, no boy friend and .... interested in me. I got her sister to fish for me, to phone her up and see what she felt. "Was there any point phoning her?" was my basic question. If not, then I'd release the whole thing and forget about it.... if there was a point, then I'd be a fool to not act on it. The result I got was probably the worst case. "She is ... or would be.. interested, but you live her and she lives there. She doesn't want a long distance relationship. If she lived her then she'd be interested" Now my heart will not stop thinking about her. I've been here before and it sucks. Thought I'd vent some. If I had one question to ask, it would be... I have her phone number, should I phone her? Even if it's just to hear what her sister found out with my own ear. I might get a better out come, or a worse one. But I might get it settled. I'm far too smitten for my own good!

Thanks guys. It just gets difficult sometimes. Rebuilding your life when you still sad about not having one, is not easy. I left a one word message on the exes phone on NYE. I just said, goodbye. I have been meaning to delete her number from my phone, just incase I do phone her while drunk somenight. I know for sure though as soon as I do that, there will be some sort of emergency in my life and she will be the only one left to phone. Like breaking down in a blizzard somewhere, on my motorbike and no-one else will answer. My rule is not to play with fate, and dont give it oppurtunity... although keeping her number leaves fate able to get me drunk and emotional and phone her, make things even worse. I need to fix my life and forget about her. Ive been spending the rest of the time this feative period downloading movies and watching them. illegal, but, well, i dont really care, gives me things to do, to keep things out of my mind. Thanks for listening

I started in the break up forum 2 years ago, spent a short time in the getting back together forum and thought it might be time to move in here. Brief story was with a girl for 7 years, we were in love and like no couple I have been in, met or known then, nor since. About 6 month before it ended we were talking about marriage, but a lot of other pressures were being put on me too, about income mostly. I tied to sort the later out, leaving the proposing to after.... i didn't get the chance. She had hidden from me in the last 3 months of us that she was delibrately trying to get used to being single, so she could leave me. Why? No idea. First I knew, "It was over, bye." Someone else, could be. Something I did, could be. Something she did, could be. I just dont know. Never found out. Blamed myself for them all, and anything else I could think of anyway. I've been waiting and walking the fine line of on and off no contact, occasional messages and even on occasion quiet drinks with her. It goes up, down, forward back, but not back together. For each lift I get dropped back down with a bump. Last time we met a few times and got kinda close, but she backed out suddenly again at dinner one night. She still loves me. I can tell, I can see it and feel it. Something says to her that we can't be together, so she is trying to get over me. I haven't really given her the chance I suppose. I feel I ahve to stop her, before she succeeds, find out what it is and null / void it. Anyway... I'm here because, of recent certain problems have to take precedence. Mainly my life is in tatters and it has hit home all too hard at xmas/new year, that I dont really have a life anymore. I need to somehow put this to rest in my head and heart and set them focused on fixing my life again. It doesn't stop the stuck record in my head everynight I try and get to sleep though. Thinking about her, till I fall asleep, wondering. I have no close friends. Nobody to go out of the house with. I take oppurtunities when I get them, but, over xmas I have come to the conclusion that without anyone to get out of the house with, to meet more people and expand my life, I won't get out at all. All I have to look forward to at the moment are two plans I have. 1. Get a driving license, 30 is a bit late, but hey. 2. Join conservation volunteers as soon as the weather improves........... possibly get a job sometime in the new year if I get the results I wanted from uni, which ended this November. I'll be home alone new years eve again, 2'nd year in a row. Last year I had friends but they were working, this year I have 1 friend (of 13 years), but he's just not the sort of friend I can impose on, he'll be busy with his new wife to be. I suppose there aren't any easy, or medium solutions, just hard ones. Thanks for listening.

This song popped into my life shortly after my break up. I love it, just need to learn to live by it, in ways, maybe.

Thanks again for your advice. Most of it sounds so right, but still, it's hard to follow. The curse of it is you are right when you say the only way to get her back is to move on. Maybe in the process I will find I don't want nor need her anyway. I can't see it. Maybe I will just learn to live with that, lock it up in the dungeons of the mind with all the other stuff I've been putting myself down with lately. Would I want an broken hearted women, even, in fact, especially if it were me who broke her heart? Nope. If she broke me and my heart, and she did. Then while she can still see that I am not the strong hearted man I was or should be, she will feel guilt and maybe pity towards me, which are like wet sand as a foundation of any relationship. It was 2 years to the day on the 9th. I almost didn't notice. That says a lot for how far I have come, but when I did notice the date I spent the rest of the day and the next and the next thinking about her. Which says something about how far I have to go. I was doing well through the summer without breaking NC. Had lots of new life, work and a rather pointless long distance relationship. Yet in November I broke off the relationship (after 16 months) as a bad cause bound for nowhere. I dated the exe for a while, and YET AGAIN, got burnt. Thing is I have no work on at the moment, degree just ended and I am down to one good friend and he's not even a close, close mate. I have very little oppurtunity to leave my 4 walled, 2 screened world. I need to get a job, meet people, build a social life and try and build on the ruined sections of me, not moarn for what was there. Easy said though. As always, it's doing something about it that's the trick. I will let this lie now, even if she contacts me, I wont bring us up again, until she does, if she does. I wont wait on her calling though. I met someone local on a dating site last week, turned out I had met her before, in the pub. It's too soon to tell if I will even meet her again, but, I don't see why not. The thought of inviting her to this night out, did cross my mind, but I fear she would decline at this stage, plus it wouldn't be a fair thing to do. Thanks again. This site has been of great support at it's best and at it's worst somewhere to just be heard when there is noone else to listen.

Not that long ago, I told my exe I would never give up, never surrender, even left a CD with Dido White Flag on it and her name on it under her HiFi. Thing is I'm afraid this isn't going to work too well. I have given her free run to take as long as she wants and believe that if she wants someday, she can come back to me and I'll be here waiting. She can use me when she needs a little boost, moral support or just someone to tell her they love her and vanish again. Aka treat me like a doormat and never really give in to any feelings (that I think) she has for me still. She doesn't have to decide, or take affirmative action, she was remain in "think" or "dont think" regarding us. I know that no-contact is one soution. If I don't contact her for a few months she will possibly wonder if I am still where I said I would be, she might call to check up on me, see if I've moved on or not. If I'm still there, she will stay as long as she needs to know I am still commited to us getting back together and then she will go off again. Of course, I can play that game too and I intend to. The thing is, I'm thinking if there is a way to take back, or make my position less certain, actively, rather than passively. I'm not talking about an ultimatum or anything like that. I'm not talking about losing the rag with her and telling her where to go. I am thinking about something that will make my previous undieing commitment less certain, enough to make her wonder some. I just need to make her think, I need her to see what I see in her eyes that she hides from. info in my recent posts, but, when we got in contact after about 3 months on NC (she made contact with me), she asked about me going to a club night that was coming up and I said, I didn't know really, no body was going I could go "with". She said, "You can go with me.", but I said, "No. I can't go with you, I'm not with you, remember?", she said, in a rather down hearted way (that surprised me), "Oh....." After that, we have a few dates, a few long intimate cuddles, a near kiss and then it all fell apart, because I get intense about "us" and she got scared and it all came apart at the seems. I got out before it get really ugly, but, the position was reset to where is was before we dated again. She still loves me, but is confused and afraid to get back with me, why I have still no idea. Friday evening, I messaged her asking when this club night was again. She replied, said she was still trying to get people to go, but there were still tickets. I asked if she was still going and she said, she was, but she was too busy and tired to sort her social events properly. So she is busy and ocuppied with her work. I replied to the last text on saturday afternoon asking if we could meet for a quick drink on Sunday evening (this evening) to discuss plans for the night out. I received no reply. I am tempted, regarding the original subject of this post, to send another message. I thought I would ask for advice first. The club night is next sunday, tickets will have to be got at latest Saturday. It's costly, so I dont want to end up with a ticket, and not go, because I get let down. There are other people going that I can tag along with, a group of people I know, but I would rather NOT be a loner in the group, when it comes to getting home at 3am. I would rather be in a group by intention than a tag along. Just in case you wonder, there are several other reasons I want to go to this, and my exe being involved, isn't believe it or not at the top. I have considered messages along the lines of: "It's OK, thanks, there's a perfectly good wall here to have a conversation with, thanks." (only semi serious) "OK, you win, I give up. Bye." "Nevermind then." "Oh well, it's back to ignoring me again. At least I know where I stand." "Fair enough, then. Give me a ring any time you want something, so I can switch the phone off." OK, so i have a little bitterness at the moment. None of the above say what I need them to say, except maybe the second. I need it to say, that regardless of what I said previously, my patience has limits and I have opened myself to a new life. I know some will say, just go on ahead and get a new life, iif she is all that interested she will follow me. I just feel like I have left the situation in a state where she could have completely the wrong impression. I really just need to sit down with her and have a good talk, but the chances getting that are slim I feel. Although... the night out, might leave open an oppurtunity for it. Any advice? Should I just leave it, act like I don't care, and seek other alliies to group up with on the night out. Or do I continue to ** foot around her trying to find a way in? Thanks. ** apparently p us sy as in p uss y-cat or p uss y-foot is profantity.

I just read another thread here about getting back together and the learning to trust and it occurred to me that the reason my exe has never told me the reason she broke it off is that she doesn't want me to know, not because it was something I did that made us break up, but, something she did. If I knew that and what it was, should she ever feel like she had made a mistake, I might not trust her again, or I might constantly throw it in her face. When I first came in here and told my breakup story, several people said, "Mate, she has found someone else.", "She's left you for someone else.", "Nobody leaves a good relationship, even a difficult one, without somewhere to go." About 6 months after the break up, I lost a good friend of 10 years, because he told me that he had been out for a drink with my exe and that she told him she had left me for someone else. The reason I lost the friend was because he asked that it remain between me and him. Of course I confornted the X who denied it. My friend hasn't spoken with me much since. I tried to explain that regardless of how he felt, that it should remain between me and him, that once he told me it was "my" business to deal with how I pleased, he should either of stay well out of it, or expected I would use it the way I felt right. We still don't speak. At the start of the recent run of her being open and nice I asked her, "So did you leave me for someone else?" and she said, "No. Well.. there was someone I was interested in." I didn't ask any further, because, well, I don't want to know. It might tear me up inside. Maybe she feels that if she could have left me for someone else, even though our relationship was going through a downturn, that we can't be the ones for each other. I personally think that she might have found the strength in the possibility that this other person could bring her happiness on the short term, to leave our not-having-the-best-of-its-days relationship. Once she had made that desicion, she had to stick to it. She also thinks that she is not the women of my dreams, and that I was just with her because I was with her and that she wants the man she is with to want her for what she is and for her to be the women of his dreams. I have tried to tell her she is the women of my dreams, I have told her that I still dream of her, still talk to her everyday, even though she is not here and that even after all that has happened, all the pain I have went through, that I would go through it all again for her, without question of doubt. Only, I made a mistake in saying, "I feel that if I met the women of my dreams tomorrow, I would sitll only love you.", she jumped on it. "Thats the point, im supposed to be the women of your dreams.", I tried to explain it was just a figure of speech, but the damage was done, yet again I had said something I didn't mean to be interrupted as she interrupted it. Oh well,I'll stop rambling now.

Thanks shocked&dismayed She replied to the text late last night, said she was sorry for not being intouch or answering but she is working so much (she has a new/better job as of last week), she said she wont be free till Sunday and that we will talk soon. I haven't replied and I don't think I will. If she doesn't phone me on sunday, I will try very hard not to phone her. That will leave her thinking, "But he wanted to talk and now he doesn't phone", she might then wonder why, which might then eat into her resolve. If she wants to talk, she will phone, wont she? The other thought, was to insist that we talk, really talk for as long as it takes. However, I think you are correct that she is confused and a talk like that would possibly make her feel freaked out, under pressure and make her turn away and run further again. It seems that when we get closer she worries and feels pressured, so she puts the wall back up and runs away. "I dont think we can ever be together again." My other worry is that she does want to be together, but something (possibly the same thing she dumped me for, that I never found out), is still there and even if she got back with me, in her eyes it wouldn't work, due to this thing. It could be a friend has taken a stand to say, "Dont you go back with him or I'll never speak to you again." If it's a good friend then she will be caught in a hard place, between me and them. It could be something completely different, but I suspect its something I just dont know about. I've always had that suspision. She wont tell me what it is, maybe in fear I could squash is in an instant with proof it's not true, and that would mean she had made a mamouth mistake. Thanks again.

Thank you to Break Up Vetren, Recovering_Lover, shocked&dismayed and all for your words of advice. I fear the "BEFORE"s in shocked post might be too late. I haven't issued an ultimatum, I have however tried to phone her twice (no answer) and sent her a text saying I just called to see if she would answer, wanted to talk and clear a few things up before i leave her in peace. That on top of my reaction to friday night could as you say, make her think twice about trying "us" again in the fear she will hurt me again, turn me into the desperate fool I am. Thats the problem right there. Even with 2 months of work to get to the place you refer to as "where you dont care", it took 2 short afternoon meetings and one night in the local pub and I did care again, far too much, it showed straight through, I only stopped short of begging to be with her again, I afforded no respect and ... she walked all over me and turned away. I need to recover the situation, I know, I know, anything I can do from here and now will probably be detremental to the situation, coming out of the frustration and self pitty of this week, still desperately melted in a big puddle in front of her. Thing is, if she returns my text, although she hasn't for the last 2 hours (she could be at work). If she returns it, or calls, what do I do? 1. Dont answer. Don't reply. 2. Answer and say: "Oh, it's okay, doesn't matter now, I've got to go get ready to go out/work/airport/sea/outer-mongolia..., can't talk. By.. ... Oh, no where special, gotta run." Reply to a text with: "Nevermind, .give me a ring sometime if you fancy a chat." I like 2. But. It would need to be a well put brush off. Could it counter my earlier mistake of sending the text, if I disregard it and be postitive about going somewhere in my own life. Not a question, just a ponder. Anyway, Im off to bed. All this has had me stuck back in the history dungeon, pulling out all the old ghosts and skeletons, regrets and fears, just so I can rub a bit of salt into my own wounds and remind myself Im an sometimes. My plan of action is to find a distraction that will improve me as the person I want to be and somehow regenerate a social life. Haven't found either yet though. It's a no lose campaign, but not an easy one, finding something to fill my brain and preferable heart with interest long enough to break away from the tow-of-the-past will be difficult..