annieo
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If it isn't something you would do in front of your s/o then it's wrong. Besides I tend to believe that things like what you described will escalate in time and there could be a temptation to actually meet up with one of the online people.
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I would have to say that he has probably already been given enough chances but if you want to give him one last chance then I think he has to prove himself for a long time before you allow him to move in. I know that you want to believe that he is going to change but make him prove it and prove it long term before you allow him any further into your life. You have to protect yourself and your child.
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Wildchild, Well I guess I would change my advice a little then. If you aren't married then I think you should consider what you want from a boyfriend. It doesn't sound like he is meeting your needs at all. Maybe still give counseling a try but if it doesn't work then maybe he isn't the right guy for you. As for your friend I would still not get together with him if it would make your boyfriend upset. I believe that you shouldn't do anything that you wouldn't do in front of your boyfriend/husband. Finding the right person is a process, but you can't find Mr Right if you are sticking with Mr Wrong!
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You clearly have alot to work on in your marriage. I think that meeting with this friend of yours is dangerous. If you want to start a new relationship you need to end your current one. No matter how bad your husband is, putting yourself in a situation with another man is worse. Maybe try to get your husband into some counseling. I know it can be very lonely in an unhappy marriage. Even if your husband won't go to counseling you should to have someone to talk to. It is important to stand up for yourself and let him know when you are upset. Holding it all in only seems to make it worse I think. I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. I hope it gets better.
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Dear Sibling, You deserve a man who can't imagine a future without you. Who dreams of seeing you walk down the aisle towards him. A man who sees you growing old together and having a family. This is clearly not your current man. He has made it pretty clear. Be true to what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have someone who wants to commit to you. There is nothing wrong with what you want. He just isn't the guy to make it happen. There is someone out there that will want the same things you do, you just can't meet him when you are with someone else. Good luck and love yourself enough to want the best for yourself. Don't settle for less.
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Ok here is my advice- Answer all her questions but don't offer any details other than what she asks for Make your life an open book. Hand over all passwords, let her check your phone, e-mail etc. any time she wants Go to counseling even if she won't go. Tell her you are going to learn how to be a better husband. She may eventually join you Give her time. She just learned the most devestating thing a wife could learn Live life on her terms- Agree to whatever she wants your living situation to be. It is going to take alot of time for her to trust you again Call often (especially when you travel) and let her know what you are doing Let her talk or not talk about it. Be open to whatever she wants to say. Take everything she has to say. Don't make it about you and how it makes you feel bad. It has to be all about her and how she feels Get tested for STD's by a Dr. and present her with the results. You are going to have to be very patient. No matter how long it takes you can't cheat again because things are tough. Be the man she deserves and the dad your baby deserves
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SC 123 you are the same age as my daughter and it breaks my heart to read what you are going through. No man should EVER hit you. Never ever. It will only get worse as time goes on. Are their resources where you are? A battered womens shelter? Some place that helps abused women? You need to find one right away and get away from him. You can't try to make things work. It isn't your marriage or relationship that is broken it is him. He is not a good person. It can be hard to be strong and do what is best for you when you are so young but you need to stand up and take control of your life. DO NOT have a child with this man. The number one cause of death of pregnant women is murder by an abusive husband. You can have a wonderful future. Take the first step in making that happen by finding someone where you are who can help you and keep you safe. You are worth being loved and cared for with respect!
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I think being cheated on has to be the worst. I felt like my world was turned upside down. It's like you are living your life and you find out nothing was really as you thought it was and the person you trusted most in your life was not at all who you thought they were. I have forever lost the solid security I once had. The cheater may feel bad, horrible even but they never had to find out they were living in the dark.
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Sadmoop- How much more pain are you going to let this guy put you through? No one has said it will be easy but you just need to cut all ties, all contact and move on. You deserve someone who only wants to be with you!
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UPDATE...I called him on his cheating behaviour
annieo replied to dustinthewind's topic in Infidelity
Okay so he has not "cheated" according to how he defines it. But he has been sneaky and not honest with you. Is that what you want? He is your boyfriend not a husband and you are so young. You deserve to find someone who will treat you better. Would you have ever done all of this stuff to him? No...so why would you accept it in him. Dating is all about finding someone who is right for you. While he may be wonderful in many ways he has some pretty big negatives. I'm glad you confronted him about everything. I know it's hard to carry it all around in your head and not say anything. Remember it isn't just about his definition of cheating....it's about yours. Good luck. -
Maybe it is due to my past bad experience but a guy saying you can't use his computer is a red flag to me. I think that I'd let anyone use my computer and have full access. So if someone you are in a relationship with will have sex with you but not share his computer that doesn't seem right. It can only be because he has something to hide. Whether that is just looking at porn or other things it is something you need to know about before you continue your relationship. You don't want to be in a long term relationship with someone you don't know everything about do you? After you know everything then it is up to you to decide if it is something you can live with or not. I guess what I'm saying you need to ask him and he needs to be totally honest with you.
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I had just turned 20 when I got married. My husband had finished college and had a job. I have two daughters about your age and I always tell them that you should finish college and live on your own for a while before you get married. While I have been married 26 years, so I guess it worked out ok, it isn't what I want for my girls. We did wait 6 years to have kids which I'm glad we did. Anyway the only time I will ever live on my own is when I live at Shady Acres as a 90 year old widow! Good luck and remember if he is "the one" he will still be "the one" 5 years from now and that is a much better time to get engaged and married.
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Wow Silver Glow so sorry! If I were you I would do some further checking on the computer. Check the history and see where else he has been. Did you check his sent e-mails to see if he sent any replies? Can you check to see if he really has his e-mail set up to send these notices he gets to spam? He has given you every reason to not trust him, can you believe that he registered and never did anything else? He said he was looking for sex outside the home, you need to be sure he hasn't. Protect yourself. Get tested for STD's. Maybe he never did anything else but you need to be sure. I know how hard this is. You can get through it if he sincerely wants to. He has to admit everything, hide nothing and do everything he can to make you feel secure. Most important take some time for yourself right now. I found a therapist I could talk to very helpful. I never wanted to tell anyone else. When I did eventually forgive my husband I didn't want anyone treating him differently or for my kids to find out what dad had done. She was wonderful because I could tell her everything and she helped me see things clearly and to stand up for myself. Take care, you will get through all of this!
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Sorry all this is happening to you. One thing to keep in mind. He says he needs to keep something from you because he needs something that is his alone. Also you are invading his privacy. Ask yourself is there are part of your life you keep secret? My guess is no and that's because when you love someone and are trustworthy you don't need to keep anything secret. If he has kept this secret from you how will you feel secure that there isn't more? My husband cheated and in order for me to forgive him (and he did want to be forgiven) he had to live his life as an open book. Nothing was off limits for me to see, look at, check into. He also had to realize that my snooping was a result of his actions. I knew something was wrong in my gut long before I started looking and found the proof. Nothing about this is your fault. One of the things I think is that if you don't have anything to hide you don't have to hide anything.
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I have to agree with the others who said trust your instincts. A person who has nothing to hide doesn't hide anything! Good luck.
