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zombie king

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About zombie king

  • Birthday 11/30/1980

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  1. well,.. I have been to this site before and I guess I was wanting to hear some genuine caring words that aren't condescending or judgemental. I learned a long time ago that talking to my parents about anything is a bad idea as they only think in black&white and their answer to everything is "go to church" and "pray" and all that stuff which is absolutely rediculous to me. They think the only goal anyone should have in life is to have a family and reproduce,.. which is just degrading human potential down to livestock. Sometimes when something distracts me from thinking about the future and everything and I forget,.. I become "normal" and manage to enjoy stuff. But it never fails that I'll start to evaluate my life and before I know it I'm tearing up and sitting in my room staring at a blank wall and wishing I was dead. It's like If I find myself being remotely content,.. I have to question why and it all falls apart. I can't be ignorant all the time though. I almost wish I could just so I'd stop being like this. The thing about the doctor is,.. when it happened,... It was like I didn't even care. At first I was kind of shocked,... but it happened so fast and then boom I was back out in the waiting room puking in the bathroom but I just didn't really even feel like crying or anything. I didn't feel anything.
  2. Well,... I see it as a practical solution. It's not like it's a sudden knee jerk emotional reaction,.. as I've been planning this and thinking it through for at least a couple of years. just because there are people who have it worse and choose to wallow in their hopeless misery doesn't mean I should feel obligated to join them. My mom is one pathetic example of someone who chooses to keep living her miserable pathetic life just to take care of my worthless snake-eating-its-tail existence, plus her stupid religion. I honestly don't care what my parents will think when I do it. They're both idiots. My dad almost died a few years ago and I didn't even care. I didn't even want to go to the damn hospital. No doubt they'll just blame each other and throw bibles at each other as usual. No doubt they'll try to blame music or videogames or something. I don't even know why I'm typing all this up. I don't need to justify suicide to anyone. Sorry for wasting your time with another selfish brat having a fit. "Oh no, wah wah. I have no drive or willpower or goals and can't function in society and am a complete failure and disappointment. boo hoo." Oh well why don't I just join the rest of the writhing masses and try to have a family to give myself purpose? Oh yeah,.. because I'm not a masochist. If I was a masochist I wouldn't be planning on suicide. I hate the whole entire system that humanity has created. The mind-virus of religion that has ruined the quality of life for "civilization" since forever. The reproductive robots that are slaves to their biological impulses creating wastes of life. I hate people, I hate money, I hate religion, I hate being a part of the whole calamity that is the human race. It's not just a disgust of myself but of the entire human animal. "but you didn't choose to exist." well OOPS!! that's a mistake I'll have to remedy.
  3. I'm 25. I've been planning a suicide for a few years. The plan is to kill myself before I turn 30. That's the deadline. I'm trying to give myself more time to see if things turn around. Listing all the reasons almost seems pointless. All involving me being ashamed of myself and not being able to support myself and what friends I had all gone for good and being totally incompetant socially. Being sexually molested by my doctor sure didn't help a damn thing either. And I didn't even bother to try to report it because I just didn't feel like going through all the crap that would happen. I don't think about the future at all. I don't make plans. In order to keep from tearing up all the damn time ,even at my meager job, I constantly daydream memories of when I was happy when I was a teen. Last thing I want to be is a 30-something homeless misanthrope. (I'm already a misanthrope.) Basically,.. I'm still living with my parents and once they get too old to take care of themselves,.. and then die,.. I'll have to live in my car or something. I honestly don't want to contribute to the worlds 30-40 something homeless population. And worst of all,.. is I don't care at all anymore and won't try to do anything about it. I don't see any reason to try to improve my life . Everything is so fleeting and fragile in life that it seems like working towards anything is pointless anyway. well anyway,... It will happen on a Saturday morning when I usually leave anyway and stay gone for hours and hours lurking about town. I'll promptly drive out to a wooded area not too close to any houses or anything and park the car on the side of the road and leave my note in the drivers seat just to explain that it was a suicide of my own decision. I'll walk out into the woods until I can't see the road anymore and kill myself maybe using a gun. I'll only load it with two bullets. One to make a test shot to see if the gun works,.. then the last one for me. If the gun misfires or jams on the test shot,.. I'll abort and wait and try another week with maybe a different gun. Using pills is too risky of failure. I've planned it out so that if I unfortunately don't die instantly,.. I'll at least have almost an entire day to bleed to death and when my parents finally realise that I'm missing there won't be any chance of an ambulance rushing me to a hospital( not to mention the time it would take for me to be found) and then life getting even worse with all the moral and emotional crap that would be thrown around as well as the possible brain damage.
  4. I keep hearing that there might be a draft sometime in 2005. If I get drafted into the army I'll kill myself. I'd rather die by my own hand at home than alone in a strange country and be killed my people who hate me. I heard that there was this form you can fill out that says you are a "consious objector" or something and it lets you stay out of the draft.. but I don't know how to do that. Knowing those evil people who run the government,.. they probebly eradicated any possible way to avoid a draft. I'm not going to let anyone force me to go into the military and or go to war. If push comes to shove,.. I'm killing myself.
  5. yes... so it wouldn't be too strong to ask her for her number. Cause that's what I really want to do. I need to have some kind of romantic relationship before June of 2005,(that's a topic for some other forum.)
  6. , ... but that place has a high turnover. I'm surprised she's been there for six months! I fear If I just keep up thie little chatting twice a month,.. I'll just remain a customer she chats with while she actually gets a boyfriend or quits and she'd just be another one that got away because I didn't do anything. I don't wanna loiter around the store and bug her the whole time she's trying to work. The only way you can be friends with someone is if you actually have time to talk. But she doesn't have time to talk much at her job. (thus the small chatting) We don't actually have time to get to know eachother. Thus me wanting to get her phone number so we actually can talk and get to know eachother so we actually can be friends or possibly more. If i just keep up what I'm doing now ,.. we won't even have a chance to be friends. So you can understand my urgency to get her phone number.
  7. My inner loner,.. which has dominated me for almost as long as I can remember,... is being punched in the face by my inner lover. This is a major event as my inner lover has remained complacent and under the heal of my inner loner without hardly a struggle. It's quite possible that there might be a major overthrow of my current social/romantic attitude. Some girl I've been chatting with at the local music store for almost a year has got me actually thinking about persuing some kind of relationship. I don't even know her name because I forgot to look at her nametag or even ask her because I'm stupid when it comes to social/romantic matters. I've been chatting with this girl for a year and I don't even know her freakin' name!!!!! Our chatting is more like a few sentences exchanged for about 3 minutes,.. and she's only working at the music store one or two weekends a month,... and.... Maybe i'm just in a short positive mood that has me thinking this way and I'll go back to my normal isolationist I don't give a crap mood by the time I go back to work. (going to work always eradictes any trace of positivity in my mind and I turn into my regular seething angry, depressed, planning suicide, no point in trying anything mood.) Or,.. tomorrow I could go back up there and(if she's there,) make sure I get her name and ask her if it'd be okay to ask for her phone number. (y'know,.. because it's easier than actually asking for her phone number outright.) All I know is that for the few minutes that we chat,... I'm in pure bliss. So,.. that's gotta mean something right? I go to the music store every weekend,.. and on the weekends she's there it's like a gift that makes me instantly happy. She doesn't have any rings on her hands when I see her,.. so she's at least not engaged or married. I'll try and ask one of her co-workers if they know if she's already got a boyfriend before I even try to ask. I'm the kinda guy who actually wants a girlfriend for the actual hanging out/having fun/making out/loving to be with eachother and eventually falling in love type stuff. Y'know,.. actual romance. And if she turns me down,.. oh well,.. I have tons of videogames I can play by myself.
  8. I wouldn't know because I've never been in a relationship,... but I guess that people who need to be with other people miss the brain chemical that "being loved" makes. It makes them feel good and blissful. Once that chemical is removed because of being dumped or whatever it's like going cold turkey on a drug addiction.
  9. I am generally depressed because ..... My few friends are all gone.... and I can't make new ones because I'm always tired and either at work or at home and I'm not good at meeting people. My one goal in life was to be a comicbook creator,... but that can't happen now because the market is always shrinking and I'm too tired from work to even draw anymore. I have to work because I need to pay for my car that I use to drive to work in. I'm also supposed to be able to support myself,.. but I can't get a good job because I'm bad at math,.. I'm lazy,.. and I don't even care. I don't like to try. If I meet the smallest bit of a challenge I give up. I feel directionless. I have nothing to aspire to. My job makes me feel like a failure. There is no job that I can not hate. No job is worth the money. I feel pointless and that life is just one big pointless struggle. If survival is even an issue, then that's not a life worth living. I have nothing to look forward to. I lose track of what day and month it is because every day and week is the same and life flies by with me not going anywhere. 2001 seems like last week. I cry to sleep most nights just because I know I'll have to go through another day,... and that I have no place on this planet. All day everyday at work I'm constantly thinking of what pills to overdose on,.. where to do it,.. on what day,... and what to write on the note. If I can't stand the basic requirements of life,... then why do it? I am at least in control of whether I live or die. I know there are people who have it worse than me. People who are starving and living in a war zone and all,.... that doesn't make me appreciate anything. All I know is that I H A T E everyday. That's why I am generally depressed. Sometimes on the weekend I'll play videogames or watch movies and I'll forget my life and I'll have a brief moment of joy. But then I'm actually brought to tears when I do remember who I am and what I'm doing.
  10. Gwen Stephani is seemingly flat chested,... but she's still very sexy. She is small framed and has an athletic build,.. so she's in proportion. Jennifer Love Hewitt has nice, large boobs,.. and she's very sexy. It seems that as long as you're happy with your boob size, and know how to look and feel your best,... then it really doesn't matter. As many guys like all different size boobs.
  11. I started out doing it in bed. Then I tried it in the shower. Then I did it outside one beautiful breezy morning. (no neighbors and lots of trees). I like to usually do it right when I wake up or before I go to bed,.. or sometimes in the afternoon. I'll sometimes wake up in the morning already masturbating. I'll be like, "what the.." but it usually feels best then because I've got a fresh fantasy in my mind. I usually use an old shirt I never wear to cum in. I'll use it for a bit and then throw it away and use another old shirt I'll never wear. I don't like to make a mess, and kleenex are easy to miss. I usually squirt a big stream of cum,.. then it seems to dribble out for a while,.. then It ends with another big squirt. But I still cum some more, just real slow and drippy. I like to use pre-cum as lube. Other than that, I NEVER use lube. I don't get as good a sensation with lube. Not enough friction. I can masturbate while pacing around,.. while on my knees,.. or just laying on my back. (but while I'm on my back it's slower and takes alot longer which is good) Sometimes on the weekend when I have a lot of free time on my hands. (ha!) I'll like to just sort of masturbate just enough to keep me hard, but not cum until at least an hour or so later. But in the last several months I've had almost no sex drive because I'm in a gloomy mood.
  12. being probebly in the minority of guys who are like this,.... I would rather just spend time and have fun with a girl i liked. Being intimate for me means just loving each others presense. Being near each other, holding each other. Even making out and all the physical playing around. Something even as dorky as being squished next to each other on a couch both reading a magazine together or something. Intercourse is a scary thing to me,.. and I honestly don't know If I could initiate it if I WANTED to. Being intimate is whatever makes you feel close. A lot of guys just like to have intercourse. It's a sport to them.
  13. I would definitely kill myself if I was drafted into war, and there was no way for me to dodge it. I don't feel that anyone has the right to force me to live in a living hell and fight a war I could care less about. It's my life, and I never want to have anything to do with the military. The only reason this has crossed my mind is the constant talk EVERYWHERE even on the news about them trying to restart the draft so that millions of people can be ripped away from everything and forced to fight or whatever against their will. lets see,... (a) go somewhere I don't wanna go, train in things I don't wanna train in,.. then go to some country I don't wanna go to, and risk intense pain and just be plain miserable and scared and possibly die some horrible death or be disabled for no good reason,.. or If i do survive, be totally messed up in the head. (b) or die at home,painlessly, quickly,.. having never experienced the horrors that they'd force me into, with mostly good memories to warm me in my last minutes.... choice B is the only choice for me. .........that is,.. of course,.. IF they do the draft agian and I can't get out of it. Probebly with a sheet of paper taped on my shirt saying.. "Draft This"
  14. Sarah Michelle Gellar,... or Jennifer Love Hewitt,... or Mandy Moore,.... But the fact that Sarah Michelle is married kind of ruins the fantasy. Mandy Moore is probebly too prude. I'd have to say Jennifer Love Hewitt, then. She's down to earth,.. just the right amount of girly-but not too girly and she's not afraid to be goofy. I've crushed on her since the "I know what you did last summer" days.
  15. This is pathetic. I would've been glad just to mess around and only do everything but intercourse. It's stupid that intercourse is expected so much. I consider intercourse a big deal. I think it's more fun to just do all the other stuff,.. especially oral. But,.. that guy expected intercourse,.. he's just one of those guys. It's sad that a guy and girl can't just fool around and get eachother off without penetration.
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