talo

Well said Wings, and welcome. Yes, to do what one wants - good advice. And in so doing we often do not get what we want, but in such doing we learn one more thing to not do and so modify our wanting - and so on it goes. Such is the iterative procedure or cycle for 'getting' what we really want. Rob, life is not a process of self control, limitation and the like, it is a process of doing what you want and seeing what happens, an exploration if you like. This exploration is exciting as one is always taking one more (maybe small) step into the unknown and so learning something with each step; so each step is taken with new knowledge that enables modification of what we want at each step. Life is not a process of doing what you want, say eating chips and playing videos and then noting that you are feeling terrible and then doing the same the next day because one does not know 'what to do about it'. One does something different or differently - anything, but something - this is the way one learns. And one gradually learns what sort of actions actually makes one feel better or ok. One is a master by being a master of observation, of observing the consequences of actions or inaction and then modifying actions and then reobserving and so on in this iterative cycle. There are always choices (modifying actions) available. You take the choice that makes you feel better or ok, and you only know what makes you feel this way by progressively making the choice that you do not know the outcome to (and thus gaining experience). At times in my life I know that I have to make a step into the unknown as all other choices are just not attractive. Such a choice is obvious (eventually), there being no real alternative. Often after the action is taken, I am 'swimming' but it is fun, enlivening. You also 'know' or 'see' when you 'have to keep at' something because the alternative is just plain not attractive at all - in other words, you will 'sink', become dispirited, dejected, out of sorts, feel worse or not ok. Such is learnt by the above iterative cycle. Each of us has our own choices to make. Others can say what has worked for them, but in the end we each make unique choices which make us feel better or ok. When one feels ok all the time, one is making or has made the right choice for oneself. Such 'choosing' becomes more or less automatic, or obvious. Such a one is in a very fine state (of balance). I have had a look at some of the previous threads that you have started here and you appear to be an 'instant fix' guy. The instant fix you need is to to be observant of your self, your motivations, your changes of state, your attitudes, moment to moment. It is by observation of ourself that we learn. With best wishes,

Sort of like committing to life? Is life a waste of time? Only if not whole-heartedly committed perhaps? If 100% committed to life, is there anything personal left? And if there is, is that not really committed? Needs to? Isn't the need only personal? Or is the need to more of a want to or like to? And if it is, is there such a need for such a switch? It is a game isn't it? (Perhaps a serious game?) And if seen as not a game, isn't one playing a 'not playing the game' game, which is another game isn't it? A resentful game?

Personally, I am finding that I really like to have no notion of what I am, as then there is nothing here to take anything personally. This does not appear to hamper operationally at all. In fact it appears to be a compassionate opening.

You appear to be focussing on divorce as the only alternative to living with your husband. Just as marriage is more than living at the same address, divorce is more than separation.

I am wondering if you two have set up an interaction whereby you have 'strong beliefs' about 'how things should be' and his 'answer' to this is to not be open with you about what is actually going on in his life. Maybe he does not feel 'strong enough' or does not want to upset you, so he does not openly admit to what he is doing. Is your willingness to find a way stronger than your dislike of porn... Perhaps he goes to porn to alleviate his unrequited feelings, and not just sexual ones... Is there really a willingness from both of you to come to an understanding....

You do not know how it feels to laugh, cry, be upset, be in pain, be lonely, be angry, be annoyed, be excited...?

How do you share feelings? By being feeling, and expressing these in a feeling way. You say you think you have a lot of pent up emotion. You mean that you have a lot of feelings bottled up and that this is not making you feel too good? Perhaps making you annoyed or angry at perhaps inappropriate times? As seen here one stops bottling feelings by talking about how we are feeling as the feelings occur, aka expressing feeling.

As seen here, you start to be more intimate by sharing your feelings with others. You may be sharing thoughts (theories, ideas, opinions) but not feelings. We become more confident in sharing ourself, our feelings, by (increasingly) sharing our feeling in a caring way.

Is there really a need for anger? The things you point out are the result of dissatisfaction, annoyance or anger with the way things were/are. Do you really think we will 'get past' dissatisfaction/annoyance/anger by more of the same?

It's not a matter of controlling it is it, but of seeing what causes it. Annoyance/anger is caused by wanting something to be different than it is. We can either change the something or change our way of thinking about the something.

Ok, so you may well have quite a bit of 'low level anger (or annoyance)' in your life. And this annoyance/anger 'spills out' at perhaps inappropriate times. The way to reduce this anger is to address what actually makes you angry, ie too much wanting (some) things to be different than they are.

Anger is a feeling of great annoyance about something. In my experience you cannot be annoyed/angry about nothing. What are the issues that you have identified that you get angry about?

Effective communication and listening, and an open heart and mind. Really, what matters? Is it not respect, tolerance, appreciation, and the like... How many of us have this when we go into our first relationship... or even our last....

You appear to have a goal, ie marriage and family. If you have not already done so have you discussed with your bf the form that this family life will take in quite some detail, such as: level of income required and what both of you will be doing in your day to day life. If this is your goal, part of achieving it is to ensure that you are in fact both working for the same outcome. I get the sense that you both are in fact not working for this at present.

How about: In order to feel confident, one confides in oneself; one trusts oneself. One confides/trusts ones feeling, moment to moment. In doing this one is respecting/loving oneself. In other words, lack of confidence is lack of courage, where feelings are suppressed/ignored rather than felt/expressed. Feeling good, is not a matter of never feeling bad, but rather to be feeling and to honour/respect feeling and not to hide or flee from feeling, moment to moment. Feeling is living. One follows, one is, feeling. If one is feeling, what is there to accept other than feeling? Acceptance is honouring/respecting feelings as they arise.