The pronlem of topic, of course will be long, since I want to
provide as much information as I can.
My own background information will help. I am a highschool student,
however, judge not such a story without hearing it.
Let's take a trip to my kindergarten days, shall we? My best friend,
Jason, and I met then. He has a cousin, same age as we are, and her name
is Lisa. The three of us were friends for years. I myself live on a
ranch, alone, with my family, and I never had anyone to talk to when I
wasn't in school, so I took to exploring the woods around me, and I
became a "loner" and found myself a creative writer and poet. Through
the years, I noticed my other friends and acquaintances began to start
"going out" quite regularly. They would then be dropped, or refused, and
would move on to the next one in their sites. I watched this behavior,
and labeled those people as 'hunters'. I never 'hunted' for a date, as
they did, and I knew that one day, the right one would show up. I
studied the acts of these 'hunters', and I found that they were in love
with love itself, not the person who was expressing it. Like some
narcotic, it was the "high" of love they were after. It disgusted me.
Roughly three years ago, the three of us, still intact in our own
group, were still doing things. We decided to join the school's band,
and I was pleased to see that Lisa was in my section, and was placed
beside me. We had lots of fun that year, and then I noticed something: I
liked her, more than just a friend. I looked into her eyes one day, and
I saw that the feeling was for me as well. We were just basic
talk-abouts that first year, but the second, we were great friends, and
we hung around each other more than anyone else. We told each other our
secrets, and the days seemed so great. We were separated again last
summer. This was at the climaxing point of our friendship, and I had
told her that I liked her. I waited all summer, sometimes called her,
and waited on one of those instant-messaging things for her. Thus comes
the first day of this year. She wasn't the same towards me, but I kept
up the old traditions. Her friends told me that she had liked me (a
little late, of course) and that she talked quite a bit about me. Now
I'm nearly beating myself senseless for never asking her last year. She
wasn't acting as nice to me at the first part of this year, but she was
still on speaking and laughing terms with me. In October I fell in love
with her. Now, considering me, that's a strong thing. I never knew what
love was, being I gave it to no one. I've never been out, and I feel no
love for my family. I was hardened from experience, fearfull of
becoming a 'hunter' and from the nightmares of my brother's drug-rage
that nearly ruined our family six years ago. I knew that The One Girl
had finally come, and indeed, it was under my nose all this time! We had
been friends for over 10 years, seems that it would come to pass,
eventually. I fell deeply in love with her, and I was really stuck, I
had no experience in this field, and I knew not what to do. I consulted
a message board, and they told me to tell her how I felt. I knew that,
because of an agreement with her family, she would go out with no !
one this year, but telling her would be the right thing, of course. I
decided I would. I bought her a Christmas present a few months in
advance; a ring. With that, I was planning on telling her how I felt,
but the last day of school before the holiday showed, and she did not
come that day. I spent that night writing a long letter, and then I gave
them to her on her porch one morning, with little time before I was
caught by her father. Well, the following nights, she sent me some
e-mails, saying that I was truly her best friend, and "Not to think that
she did not like me, because that is definitely not the case". Then, it
was back to school. I was overjoyed, because I thought she would talk to
me and we would be exuberant once more. I was wrong. She refused to talk
to me, and when she had to, it is now quick and angry. She turns and
runs the other way when she sees me, and tries EXTREMELY hard to stay
away from me. I felt horrible. I was the same person, and I did nothing
wrong. I tried to act the same, but she responded as though I had hurt
her. I tried everything in my power, alas none of my charms had their
ancient appeal. I considered suicide, but the thought of leaving her was
unbearable. Several nights, I cry myself to sleep, and I feel so
depressed nowadays. I just sit in a daze, wondering what I did wrong. I
occasionally snap, and tear off into the night, and have a horrible fit
in the woods, pleading to God for help, and end up sobbing in the dirt.
I am still the same person, but I don't know what I did wrong, though
not a day passes that I wish I didn't do it.
I lured her into a conversation on the instant-messenger one night.
She told me that I make her uncomfortable when I try too hard to be nice
to her, but I can't make reason from that, beings as she's avoided me
for a month, and this was the first time we'd talked since the December
e-mails. She also stated the "too nice" thing was after Christmas, when
she started avoiding me. Since this story does not make since, I have
reason not to believe it. But I have done nothing to make her hate me,
and I really don't know what to make of this.
I steal glances of her all the time, I'm so in love with her. I
have dreams of her, I like to fantasize of spending the rest of my
future with her by my side, and I always, always try to make her happy.
I go that extra mile for her, and I am willing to part with anything I
own, even my life, so she will be safe and happy. I do have her a gift
for Valentine's day, but I'm a bit afraid of what to expect afterwards.
It is an ungodly hurt that comes to see the girl you love ignore you,
and to run from you. I have tried things to make her happy, like the
things you suggest on this site. They didn't work. It was suggested that
I try to act like I'm not interested, but that seems such a queer idea,
because she would
A: Think I didn't like her and hate me more
B: Think I liked someone else, and thereforeeeeeee breaking my oath to love
only her
C: Praise God that I'm finally gone, and never try to have anything to
do with me again
and it just doens't seem normal, I feel bad enough not being able to
see her as much as I used to, to see her less, not to hear her melodious
voice again. I'm absolutly stuck right now. I do not matter, she comes
before anything else. I have two choices now. I can keep trying, but I
fear it is in vain. If she wants me to be around less, then that must
certainly mean she doesn't want me around at all. If that is what it
takes for her to be happy, then I will leave my home, and take to the
road, grant her final wish, and see if life has any more jokes it would
like to play on what small shell of a man it has left behind. You people
must have some idea, and I really don't know what to do, and am in need
of the help of someone who does perhaps know. I contact you for you are
reliable, and trustworthy. And I wish not to expect to hear that, being
a highschool student, that these feelings are new, and to expect them.
We have passed that, though none my age are as sure as they think they
are. Still, the feeling is not new. I am not doing this because I want
to have physical relations with her, I am acting from my heart, I lust
not for her, I wish for love. I love her, and I know I do. Please do
not tell me to forget about her and look for someone else, I have told
you that I do not do that, and that I know, with every piece of
knowledge I own, that I know she is the one. I feel like I am trying to
arrive at a set destination, but the road never ends. I do not want to
turn around and forget hope, I want to start running, and not get lost
again.
Of course, the agreement with her parents is a benefactor to all of
this, but from what I have learned, love is held by no boundry, by no
law, by nothing. The law they placed stands that she will not go out,
but love breaks free, and is not a feeling that someone can stop. They
know it's there, and perhaps they can not persue it, they know it is
there, and can wait. That is why I am still here. From what I've
learned, love will find a way, mayhaps a painful one, or a hidden one,
but love finds it's answer, and will not stop till it has been tied with
that of another.
Your regards and help on the subject would be magnanimously
appreciated, benevolent, in fact. Please help me. I have said, it is
worth anything.
thank you
[ This Message was edited by: kamurj on 2002-01-31 17 ]
