auburnslp

Whatever... Yes...Holden Caulfield happens to be my hero. Catcher in the Rye is my favorite book. But the fact that you are on here quoting my favorite character from my favorite book says this... You have far greater hope. And you know exactly what I mean.

Today is Good Friday my friend. The day that Jesus died for us. Willingly laid down His life for us. I know you are hurting, and I can understand why-there is now a true finality to it all...nothing left to wonder. You, in a sense, are now truly back to step one. Acknowledge and don't try to fight it...but please know that while you spent a year grieving the first time, this one will not last as long. Do you belong to a Church? Many have groups where people can share their grief. And that can be so healing, just as this forum is, but even better in a way because you can actually establish personal and in-person friendships with people going through the same things. And laugh with, cry with, and learn to enjoy life again and look forward to better days, together-this forum is a life-saver to be sure...but what's not to like about the possibility of getting together with a friend going through the same things for a round of golf, a beer, whatever? I am truly sorry you are going through this. You are a good man, a special person, your heart is huge in that you are so willing to spend your time on here and I am sure elsewhere helping others. I think it would be safe to say that you have all of our prayers on here to get through this difficult time and emerge renewed. A Christian analogy for you...Jesus died today, and was risen on Sunday. My friend, a part of your life has died today-or recently-and it is now done. But you too will rise again from it. And you will move on, and you will be just fine. Just take the time you need to heal. My advice would be to take a step back for a time and consider taking time for you again-and maybe even not date for a bit. You have justifiably returned to a place where maybe that wouldn't be in your best interests for a while. Just my thoughts. My friend, God loves you-and you are right that everything happens for a reason. And in time you will find that reason why this happened. And I personally believe that in the long-run, you will eventually thank God for this part of His Plan, because one day you will wake up and be truly equipped to completely move on with your wonderful life... My best to you brother, you have my prayers and hopes for this tough time. Michael

if she slowly reveals over the course of a year-long engagement that she has an eating disorder, was sexually abused as a child and thus is incredibly insecure and has sought no treatment for it, has a son she has totally abandoned in another state, has a daughter from an affair with a married man that she treats like crap, spends all her time on the computer revealing intimate bits and pieces of her life and pictures of herself in a public online journal forum, for attention and validation, covertly stays in touch with old boyfriends and one-night stands from her past and has a myspace page like a trashy teenager's where she flirts with them all and invites them out to bars on "girl's night out" where you are uninvited (I found this out later) and posts bulletins like "what would we do if we were locked in a room together alone for 24 hours", goes out to bars without you and slow-dances with other men and acts like a total tramp from all accounts, but of course swears she never slept with anyone, complains constantly and demeans you all the time for no apparent reason, well,... do not believe for a second that your love and the stability you can offer will make everything all right. Don't get caught up in wedding plans and ignore the red flags, thinking what I just wrote. You will be divorced within a year, as I am in the process of doing. And when she cries and begs and swears that she will change and you stupidly give it a shot, yet find out that she continues to do some of the same things behind your back, well then you know it's done. That's when you realize that the attention and validation she gets from her many "friends" and party buddies and flirtatious encounters will always outweigh the love and attention you, as one man, could ever provide. That's when you realize she has a real and true sickness, and then all hope is gone. I guess this can all be summed up with what has been said before-run from the red flags. I have learned to run like hell, and never look back-at least as soon as I get used to being alone again.

well I think you absolutely made the right choiec and potentially saved this guy from getting serious in his heart at a time when you are not able to...well done-you did this man a favor. Michael

I had written a novel-just deleted it-no one really needs to read all that to get the message-and here it is in a nutshell... My girl left me after 3 years and a marriage proposal...went through 3 months of pain/depression, then the rest of the year was empty dates, sadness, anger, etc. Never thought I would get over her. Here's the ending...I have. I met someone better who I will marry on June 3. Got a promotion at work. Life is good. It can and will happen for all of you as well...you just have to plod through the initial stages without completely losing yourselves. It just takes time, but after that time is through, there is just no telling what life has in store for you-you just need to be patient and wait for it, and when it comes, you must grab hold and don't let go. Good luck. And be well... Time to leave enotalone. I want to thank everyone who listened to me back in the day and offered care and support. I hope the care and support I offered others was beneficial. Take care of yourselves...and remember-PATIENCE! Auburnslp...

well then I just will wish you the absolute best...I agree that every relationship takes work...but you know, I hope you know, that real and true love just maybe shouldn't be this hard...or this painful...again, my best, and I hope you get what you are hoping for...Michael

wait, wait, wait...your ex-love actually said..."love sometimes isn't enough"?????? Well friend, that should say it all, if you can just step back and separate for one moment from the pain you are feeling... I am sure she said a whole bunch more-maybe just enough to keep you hanging around...but please, please, take a deep breath, and take a serious moment here, and consider the implications of that statement...and here is my humble opinion of it... Love is always, always, always enough. If it is there, and if it is true, shared, reciprocated by both, then it is always enough. It is only when it is not equal, or even not there for one of the two, that there are problems. I am sure she loves you at some level, but if she actually spoke those words, then she can't love you at the level that you are offering her... And, in that, here is my only possible words of wisdom...and take them with a grain of salt-because I have learned some things on my walk, and I am clueless about almost everything-but,...one of the few things that my experience has taught me is this-if you are ever in an inequitable, unbalanced, unfair relationship, regarding the amount of love, care, emotion, devotion, etc., that you are giving, walk, or even better yet, run away, like hell. Take every moment to heal that you need-for me it seemed like forever-thought it would never end. But it does. Took me well over a year. But she might come back-and you might take her back. But unless there is just some kind of very temporary insanity on her part that led her to the recent feelings of not wanting to be with you, well, this is hard, but chances are it just will never work. I lived this. And it is worse when we try to fit a square peg into a round hold. Just prolongs the inevitable misery. I am in no way discounting how you feel. Trust me, please, that I know it exactly. Have been there and have been on this site for now almost a year and a half. I feel for what you are going through and I most definitely wish for you the most speedy and healthy way out of all of it. Just wanted to throw a perspective out to you, maybe one you hadn't heard or considered...my best...Michael

unbelievable...you are a changed man...I am shocked...and I also don't know if I have read a more true and perfect post on these boards, and I have read a great many fantastic posts here... My hat is off to you danimal...forgive me for this statement, but for almost the whole time I have read your posts or conversed through IM's with you, I had little hope for you or your happiness or for anyone you might have ended up with-but I stand corrected. Maybe this is the man you always were before your bout with a type of psychosis that your obsession with your ex brought you to...I can relate-I was definitely not myself through that difficult time I spent letting go of my ex. Whatever, doesn't matter-it's over, right? I am just surprised and thrilled to see where you are and where you are going... Good luck danimal, keep it up-your life and future peace and serenity and happiness depends on it...Michael

just relax...you are shocked, and hurt-and it is the worst of it right now...believe me that things will work out. And as far as I know, Planned Parenthood usually entails going through the pregnancy and then putting the baby up for adoption, so in that case there would be no child support. Another thing to realize is that she might not know for sure yet-those early pregnancy tests give a lot of false positive results. Just take it easy a little bit until you know all the facts, until the facts are all there, instead of guesses and speculation. And if you continue to have these thoughts of hurting yourself, tell your parents now and they can help you through it, or tell someone else that you can trust.

sweet heart-thanks for the compliment...and Shadows-the loneliness blues? Read my post again-because I have been there and done that and am now past it-I hope my experience can give you insight to it and maybe some answers...and you are right-I will most likely miss Jill always...I am committed to my new girl and yet still think of Jill-I am sure I always will...but the thing is-I don't want her anymore. She was just a huge and meaningful part of my life, and I will remember her for that. Good luck myfriend...

you are right-I am a veteran on here and I don't recognize you from your post. But I am happy to have read it- You have mentioned a couple times about a "record-breaking" 3-times reconciliation with the ex...you sound really proud of that-but I will ask you to remember, that this means that there is even a more "record-breaking" 4-times that she has left you-just trying to keep it all in perspective... And you are not sure if you will contact your ex again? Please, for her sake and yours...don't. Overall, it is very good to hear the things you have learned. I have followed your posts since I started on here over a year ago. And I truly am happy to hear that you seem to be getting it, after all this time. I hope you continue on as you are-and it sounds like you are focusing on the right things. You and I share one thing-we were both obsessed with our ex's. I think you took that obsession to far greater lengths, but I was there in the feeling I had for her. Very, very unhealthy stuff. The only way to get someone back successfully seems to be to just let the old relationship go completely. I did, for 8 months. Started dating others, many others. Never forgot about the ex, but never called her either. Finally did, to talk about getting our sons together-they were friends and innocent victims of our break. Well, that started it all up again with the ex. Started a new relationship. And here is the funny/strange/ironic part-it seemed there was a definite possibility of us getting back together. A possibility of having exactly what I thought I had wanted so badly-to have her for my own, forever. And yet, during that time, this unbelievable girl comes into my life. I left my ex, the one I had obsessed over, been so hurt from, the one I thought was the only one for me. And I asked that new girl to marry me, and she agreed. The moral of my story lies somewhat where you were going with your post. You cannot successfully get an ex back when you are changing, trying, working, only for that purpose. The way seems to be, from my experience at least, to let it go completely. For a long time. Revisit it later if you desire, after the old relationship is completely gone, dead. The you are free to truly start new, fresh, from scratch almost. Otherwise you will be revisiting all the same issues and problems that led to the breakup in the first place, and the result will likely be the same-danimal you are living proof of that theory... Not easy to do-that advice will likely be dismissed as impossible by many. But remember-that advice does not entail losing your love or feelings for the ex-it just entails letting go completely of the relationship, staying away for an extended period of time, no contact whatsoever-well, all I can say is that it looks like it would have worked for me if I had wanted it to... And danimal, once again, happy to hear these things. You seem to be mostly on the right track. Good luck in your continued healing...

Hey all, I wrote this a little while ago to a friend on here, and just re-read it-I hope it helps some of you in some small way-I personally found it to be helpful to utilize the perspective and experience of others when I was busy dragging myself out of the depression and pain I experienced over a year ago... You asked about the lonliness...unfortunately, that is just part of the whole thing. When my ex left, I was terribly lonely. Felt completely alone as I had spent three years focusing completely on Jill...had lost track of almost all my old friends, spent all my time either with her or planning to be with her...this is a mistake I will not make again. It is very important, even when in an amazing relationship, to keep your friends close...I hope you have learned that same lesson. Anyway, I felt I had nothing. I spent time re-establishing those old friendships, making new ones...I dated a bunch...but here is the hard truth...even with all that, I felt terribly lonely, I missed my ex more than you could possibly know, even when out with others...and Life, I am sorry to say, for many of us, that's just the way it goes for a while, when your heart is mending...but it was far better than it would have been had I just holed up and not done those things though, that is a truth. So continue to force yourself to get out there, even when it feels unsatisfying...and last thing-about the lesson I learned...even though I am at the beginning of an amazing relationship now, I am not going to make the same mistakes I did with Jill...I have set up a double date for next week with us and my best-friend and his wife, whom I basically abandoned during my time with Jill, and am having a big party here at my house tomorrow for all my friends who are able to come. I just won't ever do that crap again...hope that makes sense to you-we learn so much from each failure-the trick is to actually put into play the lessons we learn... So, basically, realize that what you feel regarding the lonliness is just a normal consequence, that it will remain, maybe for a long time, even when you are out with others. Just face it with the knowledge that it keeps getting less and less as time goes on, and also realize that it might not go completely away until you open yourself up and find the woman you are truly supposed to be with. As far as your friends go that seem to be totally fine when they break off a relationship? Well Life, many of us have different capacities in our hearts for love. You and I and Dakota and almost all of us on this board, clearly have a greater capacity than most. That is why we hurt as badly as we do when a love leaves...so while the pain is a curse, the blessing is that capacity we have-we will love far greater and more deeply than any of those other people, when we find the right one...and believe me, there are just as many women out there that cherish a man that has that kind of heart, as there are that dismiss it...so focus on that truth-it is one thing I have learned in my 38 years on this rock... The pictures you have around but can't find? Tough one, the answer is different for all of us. I got rid of most everything, the daily reminders, but there were some things I just couldn't get rid of-in particular a poem she wrote me that really should have been published somewhere-it was that beautiful. No one had ever expressed that kind of love for me before. I left it in my closet, and when I hurt badly at times, sometimes I would read it, and cry. And most people would say that is self-torture, and in a way I guess it was. But it was also a reality-check for me. It made me incredibly sad, but it also reminded me of how love should be, and despite the ending of me and Jill, it made me realize that maybe one day I would find that kind of love again. But we are all different here-maybe for you, you should get rid of everything...maybe not. That is a question only you are going to be able to answer... Last question-regarding how many times do we have to go through this before we find our match? No way to know that for sure...but I can tell you, that the pain we feel after each loss is not in vain. The lessons we learn equip us, teach us, about what we really need and want, and what to avoid...for example, after Jill, there is no way I would ever see seriously a recently divorced woman, no matter how happy she seemed about it at the time. It's just too fragile a time, and you never know what will happen. I also learned the signs to look for regarding a woman giving her heart completely to me and only me...I know now how to see that. And also have learned that at the first sign that this is not the case, to cut your losses and run like hell, because we deserve better...Life, I fought against that for so long with Jill...would get so angry over it, even when she swore up and down that I was wrong, that she only loved me, had no feelings for her ex, even when it was so clear to me-I truly believe that she believed that at the time, wasn't consciously lying to me about it-but I could see it even when she couldn't-it was very clear...anyway, like I said, I would get angry, and here's a really funny story-she told me that I needed counseling because I was angry and wrong about it all, and it was hurting our relationship. I would call her on things, and a couple of times out of frustration would raise my voice, completely unlike me, but it was just the nature of the current situation at the time...anyway, I then began to self-doubt, wondered if I was way off base, and if my reactions were too much, so I agreed to go, in part to help myself and our relationship, to determine if I had an issue with anger, paranoia, whatever...so I went...twice...told the guy every single thing...and after the second session, the guy looks at me and says..."you must really love this woman-because the things you have told me, I would have been absolutely furious over". He said, "anyone would have been angry in those situations. As far as your reactions, you were justified in being frustrated. Sounds like you clearly tried to reasonably and rationally discuss your concerns, which were then dismissed by her. Leads to frustration. I can help you better handle that frustration, by showing you how to walk away from that situation, or continue on without letting it show, but it sounds like overall, you handled those situations like most anyone else would"...hey, sorry about the story, I just wanted to illustrate my point that we learn from these things, and like I said, if I ever found myself in a relationship again where the feelings were not reciprocated as well as I was offering, I would just leave, and not try to make it work-I have learned that you can't take away feelings they might have for others, no matter how hard you try. They just have to be gone, replaced by feelings for you. And also, we can't make anyone feel a certain way for us-that comes entirely from within. Just lessons I have learned. And those lessons equip us for finding the one we are truly meant to be with. So, long story short-we just have to be willing to take that risk. And when we get hurt, we have to look at it as positively as we are able, that we have learned, that it will help us along the path to eventual happiness...and most of all, that we need to be patient, and not settle. Never do that my friend. Trust me. Your greatest love will be the one who is better than the greatest that you have lost...please never forget that one-and brother-you are 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen, I'm 38, single dad, two kids that live with me in a small town where, if you value good teeth and good hygeine, well, the pickings are slim indeed But I have never, ever given up hope. You have so much time to find the one meant for you. Deal with now my friend, but also, learn the lesson, look ahead, and be patient. Last thing...maybe it never truly goes away. When we feel that deeply for someone, maybe it stays with us forever. Last night, I was driving my new gf to dinner and a movie, and I passed Jill going the other way. Remember, with this new girl, I have basically closed the door on the possibility of Jill and I being together again, because it was looking like a possibility. But enough was said that I realized that Jill still desired a reconciliation with her ex, and in that, I just can't do it-like I said, I have learned my lesson. But I still love her, probably always will...this new girl is everything I have ever wanted-she is absolutely the most beautiful girl inside and outside that I have ever met. I have absolutely no idea what she is doing with me, , but she loves me, already has told me she wants to marry me. And chances are, I will ask her at some point. But, still, somehow, it is difficult. My new girl and I slept together last night-comforting, wonderful, and you know what? I dreamt about Jill....twice. Don't remember the specifics, but I did. What does it all mean? I can tell you that I am extremely excited about this new girl. She is as good as Jill in some ways, and better than her in many others, and she loves and wants only me. A clear choice. But maybe it means that sometimes, when we love someone that deeply, the feeling never totally goes away. I imagine I will always miss Jill. In a certain way. Always wish that it had worked out differently, in a small way, despite who I meet and fall in love with. Maybe I am wrong and that feeling will pass completely. Hope so. But I am prepared to deal with it if that is not the case. I am not settling in any way-this girl is the best I have ever met. And I could have persued the possibility of me and Jill, but I have basically blown her off...you know, last night, when I passed her, I knew she saw me as well, am sure that she noticed Amy with me, and for a moment I worried about her, and how that would make her feel, because I had not told her I was seeing someone-I think she guessed it though, due to recent interactions. But then I went on the date last night and was so completely into Amy...didn't think of Jill again. Until the dreams. Just takes time I guess... Anyway, really sorry I wrote so much...I try to keep it short but sometimes I go on and on-I apologize...Well there it is...good luck to all of you dealing with what I dealt with last year...Michael

Hey Life... Just keep up with what you are doing-and keep remembering that it takes time... About hanging out with couples-yes that can be hard. But start trying to think of it this way. Being single can be very fun. You are only 21. And the opportunities are just out there and waiting. It's tough to think that way so soon, but, eventually, you will find that to be the case. What did you find out about her past? I found it to be helpful in the short-term to dislike my ex for what she did to me. Helped me to focus on the bad, instead of the sadness of missing the good. Now, I carried that on for too long-every day, almost a year later, I would think of her and hate her. Not healthy. But if you can manage that in just the short-term...it might help a bit to keep you from being sad... Another thing-focus on all the things you have, not on what you no longer have. If you take the time to really take stock of your life, you are going to find that the positive things you have far outweigh the things you don't have. Couple that with the infinite good possibilities for your future, and maybe that will help you to maintain your focus for now... Things here are going well...had a busy weekend last week-threw a huge party here at my place, went to another on the 4th, this week has been spent with me and Amy together almost every night, and tonight I leave with Amy for Charleston to see the sights and pick up some things for her new place...all in all we have been inseparable. I have not dreamed of Jill at all since that night I mentioned-maybe it was my subconscious saying goodbye to her. Now I wake in the middle of the night and in the morning and look at her and realize how lucky I am to have her. Jill called me twice on the morning of the 4th, I suspect she wanted to invite my son to go with them to the lake-I know she was not going to invite me because I found out from a mutual friend who offered the info that her ex husband was going along with her. I wonder how all that is going, but it is not my business or concern. Anyway I didn't answer the phone-my gf was there with me-and I called back a day later and asked her what she wanted-left a voice mail because she wasn't there-and have not heard back. I know that she saw me with Amy that one night, and I imagine she is focused on getting her ex back even more now that she realizes that I have moved on. It's tough-at this point I hope her ex goes back to her. If he marries his girlfriend, I worry about Jill greatly, because she has put all her eggs in that basket, even giving me up for him. I worry about her health if it doesn't work out for her the way she wants it-she suffers from depression and I would worry that she would be wrecked...but, once again, I guess that's not my concern...if she was to come back to me and tell me she only wants me-well, that would still be tough. I would know that it didn't work out with her ex, and in that, I would be clearly Plan B-and that stinks. So I guess I would say thanks but no thanks, and yet, it would be very difficult to do so... Good luck, take care, and keep us posted---wonder what happened to Dakota? I know he was having a great time-maybe he has been very busy...Michael

hey Life, once again I have to say, listen carefully to the things Dakota has written you-they are all completely true...he has offered up the positive things to focus on, the ways to look forward, to be optimistic, and he is right on about all of it...so because I can't do any better than he has done with that angle, I am going to try to answer some of the harder questions you posed...the here and now stuff, the worries...have to deal with that stuff before we can truly put into action the mind-set that Dakota has prescribed...and it is truly the hardest part of this whole process... You asked about the lonliness...unfortunately, that is just part of the whole thing. When my ex left, I was terribly lonely. Felt completely alone as I had spent three years focusing completely on Jill...had lost track of almost all my old friends, spent all my time either with her or planning to be with her...this is a mistake I will not make again. It is very important, even when in an amazing relationship, to keep your friends close...I hope you have learned that same lesson. Anyway, I felt I had nothing. I spent time re-establishing those old friendships, making new ones...I dated a bunch...but here is the hard truth...even with all that, I felt terribly lonely, I missed my ex more than you could possibly know, even when out with others...and Life, I am sorry to say, for many of us, that's just the way it goes for a while, when your heart is mending...but it was far better than it would have been had I just holed up and not done those things though, that is a truth. So continue to force yourself to get out there, even when it feels unsatisfying...and last thing-about the lesson I learned...even though I am at the beginning of an amazing relationship now, I am not going to make the same mistakes I did with Jill...I have set up a double date for next week with us and my best-friend and his wife, whom I basically abandoned during my time with Jill, and am having a big party here at my house tomorrow for all my friends who are able to come. I just won't ever do that crap again...hope that makes sense to you-we learn so much from each failure-the trick is to actually put into play the lessons we learn... So, basically, realize that what you feel regarding the lonliness is just a normal consequence, that it will remain, maybe for a long time, even when you are out with others. Just face it with the knowledge that it keeps getting less and less as time goes on, and also realize that it might not go completely away until you open yourself up and find the woman you are truly supposed to be with. As far as your friends go that seem to be totally fine when they break off a relationship? Well Life, many of us have different capacities in our hearts for love. You and I and Dakota and almost all of us on this board, clearly have a greater capacity than most. That is why we hurt as badly as we do when a love leaves...so while the pain is a curse, the blessing is that capacity we have-we will love far greater and more deeply than any of those other people, when we find the right one...and believe me, there are just as many women out there that cherish a man that has that kind of heart, as there are that dismiss it...so focus on that truth-it is one thing I have learned in my 38 years on this rock... The pictures you have around but can't find? Tough one, the answer is different for all of us. I got rid of most everything, the daily reminders, but there were some things I just couldn't get rid of-in particular a poem she wrote me that really should have been published somewhere-it was that beautiful. No one had ever expressed that kind of love for me before. I left it in my closet, and when I hurt badly at times, sometimes I would read it, and cry. And most people would say that is self-torture, and in a way I guess it was. But it was also a reality-check for me. It made me incredibly sad, but it also reminded me of how love should be, and despite the ending of me and Jill, it made me realize that maybe one day I would find that kind of love again. But we are all different here-maybe for you, you should get rid of everything...maybe not. That is a question only you are going to be able to answer... Last question-regarding how many times do we have to go through this before we find our match? No way to know that for sure...but I can tell you, that the pain we feel after each loss is not in vain. The lessons we learn equip us, teach us, about what we really need and want, and what to avoid...for example, after Jill, there is no way I would ever see seriously a recently divorced woman, no matter how happy she seemed about it at the time. It's just too fragile a time, and you never know what will happen. I also learned the signs to look for regarding a woman giving her heart completely to me and only me...I know now how to see that. And also have learned that at the first sign that this is not the case, to cut your losses and run like hell, because we deserve better...Life, I fought against that for so long with Jill...would get so angry over it, even when she swore up and down that I was wrong, that she only loved me, had no feelings for her ex, even when it was so clear to me-I truly believe that she believed that at the time, wasn't consciously lying to me about it-but I could see it even when she couldn't-it was very clear...anyway, like I said, I would get angry, and here's a really funny story-she told me that I needed counseling because I was angry and wrong about it all, and it was hurting our relationship. I would call her on things, and a couple of times out of frustration would raise my voice, completely unlike me, but it was just the nature of the current situation at the time...anyway, I then began to self-doubt, wondered if I was way off base, and if my reactions were too much, so I agreed to go, in part to help myself and our relationship, to determine if I had an issue with anger, paranoia, whatever...so I went...twice...told the guy every single thing...and after the second session, the guy looks at me and says..."you must really love this woman-because the things you have told me, I would have been absolutely furious over". He said, "anyone would have been angry in those situations. As far as your reactions, you were justified in being frustrated. Sounds like you clearly tried to reasonably and rationally discuss your concerns, which were then dismissed by her. Leads to frustration. I can help you better handle that frustration, by showing you how to walk away from that situation, or continue on without letting it show, but it sounds like overall, you handled those situations like most anyone else would"...hey, sorry about the story, I just wanted to illustrate my point that we learn from these things, and like I said, if I ever found myself in a relationship again where the feelings were not reciprocated as well as I was offering, I would just leave, and not try to make it work-I have learned that you can't take away feelings they might have for others, no matter how hard you try. They just have to be gone, replaced by feelings for you. And also, we can't make anyone feel a certain way for us-that comes entirely from within. Just lessons I have learned. And those lessons equip us for finding the one we are truly meant to be with. So, long story short-we just have to be willing to take that risk. And when we get hurt, we have to look at it as positively as we are able, that we have learned, that it will help us along the path to eventual happiness...and most of all, that we need to be patient, and not settle. Never do that my friend. Trust me. Your greatest love will be the one who is better than the greatest that you have lost...please never forget that one-and brother-you are 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Listen, I'm 38, single dad, two kids that live with me in a small town where, if you value good teeth and good hygeine, well, the pickings are slim indeed But I have never, ever given up hope. You have so much time to find the one meant for you. Deal with now my friend, but also, learn the lesson, look ahead, and be patient. Last thing...maybe it never truly goes away. When we feel that deeply for someone, maybe it stays with us forever. Last night, I was driving my new gf to dinner and a movie, and I passed Jill going the other way. Remember, with this new girl, I have basically closed the door on the possibility of Jill and I being together again, because it was looking like a possibility. But enough was said that I realized that Jill still desired a reconciliation with her ex, and in that, I just can't do it-like I said, I have learned my lesson. But I still love her, probably always will...this new girl is everything I have ever wanted-she is absolutely the most beautiful girl inside and outside that I have ever met. I have absolutely no idea what she is doing with me, , but she loves me, already has told me she wants to marry me. And chances are, I will ask her at some point. But, still, somehow, it is difficult. My new girl and I slept together last night-comforting, wonderful, and you know what? I dreamt about Jill....twice. Don't remember the specifics, but I did. What does it all mean? I can tell you that I am extremely excited about this new girl. She is as good as Jill in some ways, and better than her in many others, and she loves and wants only me. A clear choice. But maybe it means that sometimes, when we love someone that deeply, the feeling never totally goes away. I imagine I will always miss Jill. In a certain way. Always wish that it had worked out differently, in a small way, despite who I meet and fall in love with. Maybe I am wrong and that feeling will pass completely. Hope so. But I am prepared to deal with it if that is not the case. I am not settling in any way-this girl is the best I have ever met. And I could have persued the possibility of me and Jill, but I have basically blown her off...you know, last night, when I passed her, I knew she saw me as well, am sure that she noticed Amy with me, and for a moment I worried about her, and how that would make her feel, because I had not told her I was seeing someone-I think she guessed it though, due to recent interactions. But then I went on the date last night and was so completely into Amy...didn't think of Jill again. Until the dreams. Just takes time I guess... Anyway, really sorry I wrote so much...I try to keep it short but sometimes I go on and on-I apologize... Be well Life, stay strong. You always say positive things in your posts, so I know you are on the right track, that you know how to do this thing-the hard part is actually doing it...well, we are hoping for just that. Stay in touch brother-Michael