d346

you can't pressure anyone to do anything, but will you be happy just waiting and seeing? not mentioning it, "maybe he'll change his mind" "he wants kids together, so I'm sure it means he'll want to get married eventually" "he never said never, just not now or in the next year" what do YOU want? That doesn't seem fair that he holds all the cards, and you get to wait and see...! You shouldn't feel bad that he gets angry with you! You deserve to express your desires. At 30, you shouldn't be waiting for a guy to get his act together. Be strong. (I've dealt with this -and I know your pain) however I currently am happily engaged. no regrets!

hmm.... marriage IS more than just a piece of paper! It's a solid commitment, it's a promise to embark on your life together, it's peace of mind that he is in your future -and peace of mind that you don't have to beg, bug, or wait patiently (or maybe I should say impatiently!) while he decides he's ready!! anyway, i think it's an age thing -I'm the same age, and guys I know are JUST starting to settle down. How many unmarried guys do you know in their mid to late 30s? probably not many. It just takes them a while. why do we wait? maybe we're idealistic. we meet a man that satisfies all our criteria, who is tons of fun, and who seems to be a wonderful life-long mate. And as he still isn't interested in marriage, perhaps we rationalize that maybe soon he will be. maybe he'll change his mind. that's why i stayed with my guy. however, it was such a tough call for me, because in our 4 or so years together he showed tons of indication that he did want to marry me (even said it a few times), but when under the gun, or when going through a cynical phase from time to time, he'd be almost down on marriage.-and that would frustrate me to no end. As I mentioned above, timing is everything. If they do indicate a spark of interest here and there, they come around ON THIER OWN. (I am now engaged, and he's actually very excited, and it's been fabulous making "life plans" together -not just wedding plans. we're now a team instead of separate entities, and I love it!) But you have to make the call if he will want to marry you on his own, and if he wil be pleased about his decision. Otherwise, maybe it IS time to call it quits

well, we never suggested full custody, but she on her own scoffed at the idea, that she'd never "let us take her son from her." I think she said that when my fiance suggested he stay at our place during the week so he could stay at his school and in his sports. Then she went on a tirade about him not being able to pull it off, -criticizing him for working and not being able to pick him up from school at 3. She claims that she will be a full time stay at home mom living off her husband's income. A choice that has merit, BUT she always has a bunch of odd jobs to pay the bills...,-and ironically is dumping her kids off at grandma's nearby. 4 out of 10 times we take his son home, she tells us to drop him off at grandma's. If she moves, we don't understand how she's going to manage without grandma nearby.. sigh...

actually, I think grandma still has official custody! we're going to get a lawyer involved. Ideally, we'd like to amicably establish official joint custody (he can even still live with her if she wants that -fiance just wants say in important decisions) fiance just talked to her -it started as a hostile argument that ended a little more calmly. Apparently she is freaking out that we bought a house. No one is trying to take him away from her -we just want to settle down nearby her current residence, so we can help keep things easy and "status quo" It's not fair that we wait a couple years to buy our house - to see what she does -since history has told, she doesn't really think things through

warning: long post! my fiancé has a 10 yr old son, who was conceived with a high school girlfriend. They were minors, so had delegated official custody to "grandma" (who she lived with at the time.) -they were never married 10 yrs later, both have been to college, grown, and although the son has lived full time with the mom, my fiancé has a loving and active relationship with him. They never went back to court, or done anything legal, but they amicably decided upon monthly child support, school tuition, visitation, the nights he would stay with dad, etc. A little background on mom: She is a decent mother, but has made some BAD decisions in her life since. Got pregnant again, moved in with that guy with his son (in another county) –broke up with him, and moved back home –making his son switch schools literally overnight. Currently her custody situation with this other man is a strict 3days on 3days off rotation –between counties. –and it's about a 40min drive for her. She again, had another child since with another man. This man she ended up marrying. Recently my fiancé and I bought a house near his son's school. He wants to be closer, since he's very active in his sports, etc. And would love to have stay him over on weeknights. The mom now states that she wants to move back to the county of her second son, and take my fiance's son with her –a move that is over an hour away from us. BUT she has no solid plans yet…"sometime next summer" and claims that she chose this location because it's all she can afford (looking to buy a home…and it's NOT a nice area) My fiance's son has been told by his mom that he will be switching schools the year after next, and will no longer be playing on his sports teams. He's a great kid, and loves his mom very much, so he isn't making waves –but he started crying yesterday because he doesn't want to switch schools or move away from his dad and family (his extended family all live nearby, and have practically helped raise him). Ideally, we wish to convince his mom to stay in the area. Simply talking to her isn't really an option. Done that. We know that we can't be as active, if he moves away. We also know that the sports aren't important to her, and without us helping out, he probably will sit at home and watch tv –or end up babysitting his brothers. We could try to keep him with us full time, but it would be a costly court battle (don't know if we'd win) and not necessarily in the best interest , since his son loves both parents dearly (and now has brothers that with his mother), and we don't want to make this hostile –and make him choose. Any advice? Can we file an order to not allow her to move? What's involved?

I think a big problem too, is that although he doesn't like his parents intruding, and tries to avoid it -they've done it so much throughout his life, that he doesn't even realize it when they're doing it. (he only does when they start being very unreasonable) I was talking to my mother today, who A. lives 5 hours away, B. is respectful of my own decisions -she was appauled that his dad has a contractor coming. She seemed to think that was unacceptable, since it is my and my fiance's house, not his, to invite professionals to. Plus, a contractor should tell US about repairs, not dad. I completely agree, but feel I have to choose my battles wisely here. But how do I get them to butt out?!! we're the one paying the bills, signing the contracts and ultimiately living there!

Anyone have any good advice for dealing with inlaws? Mine are in-laws-to-be, but really upsetting me. They are local, and have always been very involved/intrusive in my fiance's life. Sometimes he thinks that's the norm and deals with it, other times he just ignores them. Now, I've known these people for almost 4 years now. but now that we're making decisions, they're intruding, and not only is it making me angry, but upsetting me. For example, the fiance and I just bought a house. We were thrilled but a little nervous, since it's our first...we don't fully know what we're getting into. From the minute they heard -they were upset -that we didn't ask his dad to do a walk through, that it was too much money, that my fiance was in over his head...(no mention of me, btw). The dad picked apart the house once he saw it, and scared the living daylights out of my fiance. By the way, the stuff wasn't that major. He just made him feel bad for paying that much. -every time he sees him he had a new snippet of info. Last time it was that the mirror image house accross the street went for 25k less last year. Again, making us feel bad. It's settled a bit, but the dad is coming to the inspection. I really don't want him there -My fiance says it'll be fine, and so now I have to let it go, since I don't want to go behind my fiance's back and disinvite the dad. His dad even has a contractor coming to look at an unstable porch. We coulc use one, -and maybe he's helping, but this feels like it's spinning out of control. My fiance said he'll have a talk with them to tell them we're buying this house regardless of what they say -and ask him to lay off a bit. But how is the best way to approach this? By the way, they say none of this in front of me, so I never get the opportunity to put in my 2 cents. I CAN'T have these people affecting our decisions in life!!!!

well, as I anticipated, the fiance came back from showing the house to his dad, freaked out. His dad pointed out a bunch of things wrong. In my opinion it doesn't sound too major, considering a 70 yr old house. -the most major was some rotting by the roof on the little side porch, some old water damage on one of the basement windows... I'm sure a building inspector can give more info, and we can negotiate with seller. one of the things he pointed out was a patch of poison ivy and animal holes in the yard. Are you kidding me?!!! oh yeah, and bugs behind the stairway in the basment. Spider webs!!!! argh. well, I'm going to have him give my dad a call tonight. He has a lot of experience with buying older homes. He has some solid advice about the inspector visit, and how to negotiate with the seller afterward. He always has great advice, (without using scare tactics!!) I agree with the post about giving and taking. I'm going to keep my mouth shut regarding his parents and play it cool, but I swear, they're trying to freak him out of buying it!

yeah, I guess the tough thing is that it's a HUGE deal, -our first home purchase. We're excited, but of course a little nervous. Them pointing and picking from outside in, is not helping my nerves and my reservations. They did this to him when he got an apartment in the city. His dad said "he has a business degree, but can't do the math" insinuating that he wasn't smart to pay so much for an apartment. I guess I'm just pissed because I'M going to have to hear this when I make decisions now too! (not to mention, I don't really think they're too up to date on the going rates of real estate these days...I've been doing a lot of research, and almost bought my own home last year) vent vent vent

oh, and they're telling us what we want! ie: "you want a newer home" or "you don't want to maintain a yard that big" We fell in love with it because it was an older brick colonial in excellent condition. and um, yes, maybe I'm looking forward to starting a garden!

not sure where to post, but ugh, I need to vent! Ok, so I'm recently engaged (like 3 or 4 mos), and we just bought a house... it happened very quickly -we picked an area that makes best sense -got pre-approved etc. Well, our first day hunting, we saw a bunch of crap, but fell upon a house we loved. We put in an offer, and they accepted. ok, so, now we're dealing with the wrath of his parents. They are a close knit family, and he is really the first to branch out -(all the other adult siblings are still living at home.) His parents found out how much we're paying, and have been very discouraging about it (we went a little above what we originally wanted, but still below our pre-approval amount) we can afford it. They want to see it to check it out -are going tomorrow with my fiance, and i'm SURE his dad will point out what's wrong and why we're overpaying. They're being very unsupportive, saying he'll be house poor, and now they're sending him new listings of other homes! We already bought a house! -and um, what about what I want when purchasing a home??!!! I can't help but be a little upset and a little angry by this. First of all, they don't even know about my finances. I am providing a chunk of change for a down payment -and I resent that they're now ruining our great accomplishment (buying our first home) -my parents have been nothing but encouraging and excited. Not to mention my fiance and I make about 3 times what his parents make. so I can't help but think they really don't have any clue whether or not we'll be over our head. plus, we're almost 30! I think we can make a smart decision on our own! My fiance says not to worry, they've done this with every major decision he's ever made in his life -they'll get over it. But, what the...** -as we make more money, they're going to make us feel guilty about what we do with it? I can't help but feel soured by this, and now I find myself questioning what we did. (i do love the house though) We stopped by yesterday, any they were making snide comments about how we're not going to afford to eat, etc. etc. are you kidding me? It's a big decision, and of course we have reservations, but do I have to deal with this???!!!

no way man. I'm engaged and I go to coffee shops alone...I like to bring my laptop there and work. Sometimes I like to go and just read the paper/magazines. I don't mind eating by myself at a restaurant either!

1&2: To put it simply, it depends on who foots the bill. Traditionally a bride's family does this, and thereforeeee they're hosting the party. That would probably be the same for the religion...bride's family giving away their daughter, in their traditional church. I will be getting married, and my parents are hosting the day, however I would personally never want to do anything that my fiance doesn't want or feel comfortable with. I want it to be his day too. We're dividing the guest list in half (I'll let him fight with his side of the family about his invites! -and me mine), we're not doing a religious ceremony -we both picked the day and the place. Personally, I think he's done, since although he's excited, we've nailed down a place and he's losing interest...(he doesn't care much about flowers etc) but I'm sure his interest will peak again when we have a tasting, menu selection, and to pick out what he wears... My parents have a few guidelines for the day -but nothing major...just your basic parental parents of the bride sort of thing. however many couples fund their own weddings -and trust me, if I were the guy in that relationship, I wouldn't hand over the money witout any say in the day! 3. as for timeline -everyone is different. what I do know is that both have to be ready and in synch to really be happy. Timing is EVERYTHING.

That's a tough call. Chances are, he may marry again, but are you willing to wait for however long it may be until he feels comfortable with the idea (and preferably excited about it!) It's tough if you love him. I've been there. I do have affirm that if you see marriage in your future, don't give up on it. I never believed it was an unecessary institution or a "just a piece of paper". It is important to me, and no one can really convince me to feel otherwise. as for the census numbers, at the top of my head I can think of 4 unmarried couples living together, three of which bought homes together. In the past 6 months, two just got engaged, one just married, and the other, although not formally engaged has talked about what they would do for a wedding as well as have casually visited the jewelry stores... so although traditions have changed, and it is more common to live unwed, I still see people eventually wanting to tie the knot.

I've been in both scenareos. I've lived unmarried with a boyfriend and was happy. Now I am engaged, and very happy. What I have learned though is as much as you justify living together as "practically married anyway" if you want marriage down the road, and are unsure that you'll get that, you'll never be 100% happy. I wasn't. forcing him to marry you isn't the answer though, either. You have to both enter into future plans wholeheartedly. Definitely have a heart to heart with him.