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Waterlily

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  1. Hi. I´m a 28 year old female, straight. I´m single and never had a bf, and never had intimate contact with anyone. These issues have been bothering me for some time. All my life I´ve considered myself "the quiet intelligent girl in class", the one that never dates, the one that no boy finds attractive. When I was younger I went to parties and saw the people I was interested in dancing and kissing other girls... I am a reserved person and never shared my feelings with anyone. Time passed and I lacked inner resources to deal with it, so I gradually started getting used to the fact that I was unattractive, so I didn´t really missed a male presense in my life. Nobody ever approached me in all this time and I didn´t care. I stopped going to discos and places where I could meet men because I was afraid of being rejected. The thing is that I am beggining to question my position. I see my friends with their boyfriends, and start to wonder if I don´t deserve having someone to be with me. I´m feeling very lonely lately. Nobody has ever been interested in me, and I feel incomplete and "crippled". I know that being desired shouldn´t be the goal of a life, but feeling it at least once in a while might make me feel good as it does to everyone. I´m conscious that I need to change in order to have a decent heathy love life, but I´m having a hard time as this has been my personality for a long time. I´ve read lots of articles on how to be more attractive, have put into practise some of the things ("smile as if you´re having a great time", "look into other people´s eyes" , flirt, "inspire confidence"), but I always feel like an artificial idiot, like I´m faking everything. I´m definetely not a bombshell or a big flirt. I have no confidence whatsoever as a woman. I want to be touched, to feel loved and cared for, like anyone else. What can I do to improve this?
  2. Hi, I´ve lived alone for the past 6 years when I was at university. In the beggining, it was hard for me to leave home and I had a hard time on my first years living alone, I felt depressed all the time and considered quitting many times. Three years ago, when I thought I couldn´t stand being away from my family anymore, I started taking antidepressants and going to therapy, and got better, made friends like I never had before. In therapy, I learned to make myself a new life, separated from my family and hometown (I´ve always been very very close to them). I learned to value my own space, where I could arrange things the way I like, do things my own way. Part of my self-esteem in the healing process depended on that, and I did quite well. My problem: I graduated in December, and have no prospects of living by myself anymore. I didn´t work and earn my own money during college, because the course took all day. In my country, after you finish Med school you have to take an exam so that you can become a resident. I didn´t pass the exam this year, to make matters worse. I had to move back to my parents house last month and I feel like I lost the identity I worked so hard to build. I don´t fit into my family anymore and feel like I complete failure. I feel alone, because the friends I made are away. I don´t know what to do in the future, I´m paralysed and afraid. I don´t want to be depressed anymore, because I sense that I would kill myself this time. Sorry the post got sooo long....your words of advice are very very much appreciated...
  3. Hi Hoppy26, First of all it is a good thing you felt the need and courage to admit you're depressed and in need of help. When I started feeling abnormally sad in the past I had a lot of difficult admiting that I was clinically depressed, and the delay to seek help only brought me more sadness and discomfort. After one year feeling this way and getting worse, I started therapy and taking antidepressants. Now I can say for sure it is the best thing I've done for myself. I would advise you to fight depression both with therapy and medication, because it is the most effective way. Depression in not "just a biochemical imbalance" nor "a psychological weakness"or the reminiscents of a trauma or frustation in life. It is caused by both. As for medication, I took paroxetine (Paxil), which acts more or less the same way as Prozac does, but nowadays there are newer antidepressants, with less side effects. The side effects that bothered me most were: hands shaking, sonolence, mood swings. The side effects tend to disappear with regular use. The beneficial effects start to appear within 2 weeks. Again, it is a good thing you are willing to be cured, you deserve it. Do it for yourself. If you have any more doubts, feel completely free to send me a message. Áll the best, Waterlily
  4. hi, First of all, this post isn't supposed to sound like a pity party at all, but if it ends up turning into a "oh god, I'm soooo unhappy" message, please just don't read it... Recently, one of my closest friends met a guy at a party, and they are getting to know each other better this week. She seems excited with it, and tells me what they do together, what he tells her, that he calls her and wants to be with her. And that's why I begun to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. i'm in my mid-20s and have never felt this kind of interest towards me - no one has ever asked me out, and admired me as a woman. I've been told I'm a good and loyal friend, but never that I was worth being in love with. It makes me so sad when I hear my friends telling me how were their dates, I just try to pretend I'm not feeling miserable. I've told them that I had a boyfriend, made up a story about how we had met, and how we broke up, just not to sound even more pathetic. All the guys I once liked were in love with someone else and didn't really cared I existed. I lack someone with me so badly it hurts. I came home and cry, because it's been so long. I feel incomplete and incompetent .People have told me thousand times that the right person will appear when I least expect, but 10 years of waiting is just to much.I'm tired of seeing couples getting together in front of me. I don't consider myself psysically repugnant, but I'm not pretty at all. My girl friends always tell me there's nothing wrong with my appearance, but I know that it must be. I'm not extremely talkative, rather shy, but I think my social skills are not so bad . What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel loved, and admired as a woman?
  5. Hi. I've known this girl (let's call her A) for 3 years, and we became good friends 2 years ago. All has been going on well between us, until 6 months ago, when her bf (who is also my friend, and the guy I once liked) broke up with her. Since then, she's been quite strange. In the beggining she became very sad and depressed, didn't want to do anything, cried all the time etc, so she started taking antidepressants and going to therapy. A month ago, she completely changed herself. She now seems to be euphoric in a fake way, as if she wants to show everyone that she's ok. She asks me and the other girls out every night, doesn't study at all. When we go out, she dances like she's crazed and insinuates herself to a lot of guys. She also started spending fortunes in clothes, shoes, jewels, and only talks about what she bought the day before. When I'm alone with her, she admits she hasn't gone over the breakup yet, and is almost paranoic about what her ex is doing, who he is going out with etc. All this has made her more and more isolated. My doubt is: should I confront her, and tell that she's not ok? She's already in therapy, and is probably working on that, but me and the other girls don't see any change. She doesn't seem to notice her behaviour, and she has given clues that she thinks she's completely normal and we(me and the other girls) are the problematic ones .What should I do?
  6. Hi. I´m a 25 year old female, straight. I´m single and never had a bf, and never had intimate contact with anyone. These issues have been bothering me for some time, as I became more and more lonely. All my life I saw myself as the "quiet intelligent girl in class" that nobody wants to date, that no one finds attractive. I have a great difficulty admiting to myself that I am approachable, that I am woman with needs and other people might find me somehow desirable. Only recently I started throwing my inhibitions away, and started going to clubs. Some months ago I decided I would go out out with my friends again, this time with no great expectations of meeting someone special. Two weeks ago we went out dancing and this intriguing thing happened. I was on the dance floor when suddenly I felt someone take me by the hand. When I realised what was going on I was embraced by a guy - my hand were on his shoulders and his hands were on my hips. He put his mouth very close to my ear and said that I was the sexiest girl on the club, that he wanted to kiss me etc. (Here in my country men are much more incisive when it comes to making the first contact). I freezed and panicked, didn´t know what to do, I had never been in a situation like that I told him I didn´t want anything, he insisted and I rejected. Then last week (four months after the incident above) I went to the same place again, and I met the same guy. I didn't recognize him, but he did, and said that he still wanted me. I reacted the same way, and pushed him away. Looking back, I really wished I hadn´t reacted the way I did. After all, that was my chance of finally meeting someone. Situations like that ( a guy coming to me and thinking I´m nice) don´t happen in my life. I admit that, yes, what I wanted to do was to get to know him better, instead of closing myself off the way I did, because I lack it so badly. But I unconsciously freeze and reject everytime. After I come home, I feel frustrated and lonely. What can I do, when the conscious part of me wants something so much that I instinctly deny?
  7. Hi. Me and Anna have been colleagues for some time and we got to know each other well 1 and a half years ago. We are in the same work group on college, and we both live 1 1/2 hours from our families. We are close, and used to tell each other everything. One day she told me that she was having problems at her home, because her sister ( to whom she's also very close) started taking drugs (cocaine and alcohol), had completely changed her behaviour and wanted to quit college. Anna doesn't know what to do. This events have made her more depressed. She has a history of eating disorder for which she was on therapy a few years ago and has serious self-esteem issues. To make matters worse, she is emotionally dependent on her over controlling parents (she's 23, and doesn't come to any decision at all without phoning her parents). Her sister went away from home last week for the second time. Anna spent the whole weekend phoning her sister's friends to ask if anyone had seen her, expecting the worst news possible. She came back today as if nothing had happened.Her parents let her sister do everything.Because of all that, she has been unable to do anything, and cries a lot. I try to help her in what I can, mostly giving emotional support, but some days ago it seems she's closed herself off to me. When I ask her if she wants to talk, to do something to relax,she says everything's fine. I know it's not. I want to tell her how much I feel what she's going thorugh. I want to tell her that she can and should make decisions in her own life. I want to tell her that she is not guilty for what's happening at her home. But she won't listen. It seems that she inconsciously enjoys feeling unhappy, I don't know. I don't want to end our friendship, but this situation is making me nervous. If i'm her friend (as she tells me), why doesn't she trust me?
  8. Hi. I´m a 25 year-old woman with moderate depression treated with medications and psychotherapy 2 years ago. Now I´m much better, have gained some confidence and self-esteem , have more or less managed to get my life back on track somehow. I don´t consider myself a happy person, but I´m definetely not the depressed one I was some years ago. What bothers me is that I still think quite a lot of death and dying. I don´t know if I really want to die, I like the life I have, but the thought of suicide is often on my mind, somehow I´m attracted to it. I frequently dream I´m jumping out of my window, or that I´m quiet on my bed after taking sleeping pills or that I´m trying not to breath with water on my nose level. What the hell is the matter with me? Is it possible to not feel depressed and have these kind of thoughts? Thanks in advance.
  9. Hi. I´m a 20-something female who is alone (romantically speaking) for more than 20 years. One of my explanations is that I´m too normal, and never get any attention from other people. I´m nor ugly nor very pretty, prefer to dress normal but elegantly (dislike clothes that are too showy or sexy), I´m shy and reserved, especially with strangers. I´m the kind of woman that nobody pays attention to when walking on the street. I have difficulties interacting with people, I never know what to say. Nobody has ever been interested in me, and I feel incomplete and "crippled". I know that being desired shouldn´t be the goal of a life, but feeling it at least once ina a while might make me feel good as it does to everyone. I´m conscious that I need to change in order to have a decent heathy love life, but I´m having a hard time as this has been my personality for a long time. I´ve read lots of articles on how to be more attractive, have put into practise some of the things ("smile as if you´re having a great time", "look into other people´s eyes" , flirt, "inspire confidence"), but I always feel like an artificial idiot, like I´m faking everything. I´m definetely not a bombshell or a big flirt. What should I do? Deny myself completely because being the way I am is working at all? Pretend I´m someone else? Thanks in advance.
  10. Hi everyone, Just to sum up: I've been seriously attracted to a friend for a couple of years. Last year he started dating a common friend of ours. He broke up with her 5 months ago in an unfriendly way. He didn't like her anymore, according to his best friend, but they still had or have intimate contacts for a while after breaking up. She's always telling me she feels used by him, that she feels he just wants to take advantage from her, but she "misteriouly" accepts invitations to his place. What has bothered me a lot for some time is exactly that: she goes to college with the most indecent clothes as possible (her bra and breasts are always showing, and everyone with a moderate visual accuity can see her panties through her pants).Her clothing bothers me a lot, mainly because we have a close physical contact with hospital patients (more that I would like to, in some cases), we have to perform physical exams... She sits near him every class and keeps touching his hair and hands. After that, she cries, because she didn't want to do that etc... I'm really getting mad at her attitudes, she says one thing and does exactly the opposite. I've tried to tell her that in a subtle way, but she didn't take it. I don't know if I am over reacting and exaggerating it all because I'm in love with my friend and her ex-bf, but I have a vague notion I'm right. Am I right or wrong? How can I deal with it? Thanks.
  11. Hi. have you ever felt you're empty inside, and that your life has no meaning at all? I used to feel this a couple of years ago, and this sensation made me to seek help. I took medicines and started therapy, and feel better now, but the bad feelings still hunt me from time to time. I failed in many aspects of my life comparing to other people. I never had anyone who cared and desired me. I cannot learn anything new, I have difficulties in college. I am lonely.The person i am in love with doesn't really care. Altough I made some friends when I got better, I still feel alone, like there's no one who I can really relate to. I go out with them, possess some of the things I want out of life, but I'm never happy, there's always something missing. Sometimes I just feel tired of life, and it scares me. It scares me the fact the my thoughts on ending all could come again, and that this time I could just do it. The fact that I study medicine gives me the power of knowing with certainty what could kill me, what I could take, and where to get it. I have some meds at home, and everytime I feel this way I'm scared by the fact that I could just freak out and take them all. I don't know what to do.
  12. Hi. I´m a 20-something years old, female. I´ve been attracted to a friend for a couple of years. He is shy and reserved, doesn´t express his feelings easily, just like me. He dated a common friend of ours, broke up with her 4 months ago in an unfriendly way and apparently doesn´t like her anymore. It´s really been a problem for me to be with him everyday in college, because I´m definetly attracted to him, I want to touch him all the time, want to tell him how I feel. I don´t have the guts to do that directly, face to face, and I get bothered by this constant threat to my mental sanity. He treats me normally, the only difference is that he tells me personal and intimate things he doesn´t tell his other female friends. My plan is to write all my feelings towards him as if I was writing a letter to a friend and then mix it with his papers, so that he gets to read it. The next day I would ask my friends if anyone had found my paper the day before and expect him to give it back to me. What do you think? Will this work?
  13. Hi. I'm 25, female and currently studying Medicine (I graduate in December). My problem is that a couple of years ago I started to feel more and more difficulty to read, memorize and, thereforeeeeeee, learn new issues. I noticed an important decrease in my capacity of concentrating (I find it really hard to learn a page from top to bottom), in spite of my efforts to focus my mind on the subject. I have to read the same thing 3 or 4 times in order to memorize it. I relate the beginning of all this with some bad events that happened 2 and a half years ago, when I got into a depressive state and had to take antidepressants. I consider myself cured by now, stopped medication some time ago, and I'm on psychoterapy since then, as a way of elaborating what I've been through. My concern is that in December I will finish my course and will have to go through a very difficult and competitive selection process. In my country (I don't know exactly how it works in US) every Med student has to pass a test to be able to do a specialization - I plan to especialize in Otorinolaryngology, a very competitive carreer. I don't know what to do, because I have so many difficulties to learn and to pass a test like that you're expected to be almost perfect. Everyday I get the impression that there's no use in trying, that I should have chosen a less demanding profession, even though I cannot imagine myself doing anything else in life. What is happening with me? Am I getting stupid, if there is anything to do with intelligence (or the lack of it)? What do you think I should do? Insist? Give up and accept my limitations? Admit I'm loosing control? Has anyone tried fast-learning methods like "Power Memory"? Do they work? PLEASE HELP me, I'm gettind desperate with all this!
  14. Hi. I'm 25, female and currently studying Medicine (I graduate in December). My problem is that a couple of years ago I started to feel more and more difficulty to read, memorize and, thereforeeeeeee, learn new issues. I noticed an important decrease in my capacity of concentrating (I find it really hard to learn a page from top to bottom), in spite of my efforts to focus my mind on the subject. I have to read the same thing 3 or 4 times in order to memorize it. I relate the beginning of all this with some bad events that happened 2 and a half years ago, when I got into a depressive state and had to take antidepressants. I consider myself cured by now, stopped medication some time ago, and I'm on psychoterapy since then, as a way of elaborating what I've been through. My concern is that in December I will finish my course and will have to go through a very difficult and competitive selection process. In my country (I don't know exactly how it works in US) every Med student has to pass a test to be able to do a specialization - I plan to especialize in Otorinolaryngology, in which only 4 students are accepted at my university, out of a total of approximately 100. I don't know what to do, because I have so many difficulties to learn and to pass a test like that you're expected to be almost perfect. Everyday I get the impression that there's no use in trying, that I should have chosen a less demanding profession, even though I cannot imagine myself doing anything else in life. What is happening with me? Am I getting stupid, if there is anything to do with intelligence (or the lack of it)? What do you think I should do? Insist? Give up and accept my limitations? Has anyone tried fast-learning methods like "Power Memory"? Do they work? PLEASE HELP me, I'm gettind desperate with all this!
  15. Hi. I´m 25, and got something weird going on with me. There is this guy I study with, whom I´ve been physically (and a little emotionally) attracted to for a couple of years. We see each other everyday, and have a close contact. He dated a friend of ours and broke up with her 2 months ago, in an unfriendly way. She is angry with him, tells me a lot of bad things he did to her but I think she still likes him. The problem is that 1 month ago he started trying to get a little too close with me (more close than I expect a friend´s ex-bf to be). He´s never been the kind of guy that tells people about his feelings, but he started to tell me how much he feels in need of a female presense (physically speaking) in his life, how much time it´s been since he last kissed, that he doesn´t want to be single for a long time. The says that for guys meeting someone interesting is more difficult than it is for women - he thinks women just have to show they are interested , and when I tell him it´s difficult for me to do that, his answer is that I could get anyone that I wanted. I´m not able to analyse his speech from a neutral point of view, because of my feelings for him. When he tells me all that, what do you think he wants? Thanks for taking your time reading this!
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