Jump to content

deebee

Members
  • Posts

    80
  • Joined

About deebee

  • Birthday 09/25/1970

deebee's Achievements

Enthusiast

Enthusiast (6/14)

  • First Post
  • Collaborator
  • Conversation Starter
  • Week One Done
  • One Month Later

Recent Badges

1

Reputation

  1. Thanks for your replies. I guess it is true that if I feel the need to write to show I am over her, that I am not! And it may not be a good thing to do. What do I want to achieve? To establish a line of communication, clear the air about the lack of contact and at least leave things on a friendly basis. I don't want to continue communications, become 'just good friends' or to try and make her come back to me. None of those things would work. It wouldn't be an angry or hurtful letter, telling her how the break up made me feel or anything. I have written that stuff down some time ago but didn't feel it would do any good by sharing it with her. More to get my own feelings straight and move on. I am feeling more ambivalent about writing now though. I had seen it as a step forwards, that I was in a position to consider contacting her without anger or opening up emotional wounds. That it would signal to her and to me that I had moved on. But perhaps the answer is simply to move on, without looking back...
  2. It's been eight months since my girlfriend dumped me and I've maintained No Contact ever since (except one e-mail from her after two months). I wondered if I should write to her? I do still think about her - not all the time and not in a romantic or sexual way - more about the loss itself and the aftermath. After eight months of no contact at all, I was wondering should I write a brief letter to her? Mainly I want to explain why it wasn't possible for me to stay in touch. And to find out how she's getting on with her life, renovating her house, her job etc. Maybe I am feeling the urge to let her know that I have got on with my life too? Whilst we only saw each other for five months, it was intense, passionate and romantic. This made the break up hard for me. Anyway, as time has passed I feel much better and think that I have got over most of the negative emotions. Going on holiday was probably one of the best things for that. I haven't seen her since we split, but I suspect - knowing what I know now - that she will be seeing someone. Probably right after, if not before, the split. Could do without knowing the details of her love life, so I won't be asking. So should I write, or is it best avoided altogether? There is a chance we could bump in to each other and I want to have had some communication between us before then. It would also give me some control back. Your advice would be appreciated, as always!
  3. Six months NC and counting! Yes, there are times when it sucks and it seems petty and cruel. But every time I've thought about finding out how she is, or thought about getting in touch I choose not to act on it. Then after while, I look back and realise that it would have been a bad decision. Usually I realise that what I wanted was to get back a little piece of the relationship in some way, relive the connection that we had. And that can't happen now. Most recently I have been wanting to write just to say hello and ask how she is doing in her life. I want her to know that the NC isn't because I'm sulking, or I've forgotten, or she didn't mean anything, or because I wanted to hurt her. Just that it was the best way for me to deal with the break up and move on.
  4. Try link removed or link removed. It is quite illuminating and will raise questions about your own commitment issues as well as those of your partner. Could be shorter, but worth the effort. Has changed the way I view relationships. Another book I strongly recommend is link removed by Paul McKenna. Will help you get over the break up quicker and more healthily.
  5. My advice is to read 'He's Scared, She's Scared' which is all about commitmentphobic relationships. Moving on to a new partner immediately after dumping someone is a classic characteristic of what the book calls an 'active runner'. She has a lot of growing up to do. She has replaced a relationship that got a little too 'real' with a new one that she can impose her own fantasies on. Haven't got the space to go in to it in depth, but you are better off now! You very likely did nothing 'wrong'.
  6. Hi kaboom1218, yes I did want to call my ex after dreaming she had died. But I put myself in her place and realised that calling her out of the blue like that would have appeared strange. This imaginary event had happened in a dream and upset me, but it didn't have a direct bearing on real life. I hadn't contacted her for three months during all the real and painful times I went through after the break up, so why now when I had a bad dream about her?! I got over it...you will too!
  7. I think my dream may have reflected the guilt I felt about 'killing' the feelings I had for her, as part of the healing process. Probably! Who knows, the sub-conscience is a strange thing. With a bigger perspective (such as if either of us were to die or get seriously ill), any differences between us pale in to insignificance. But then I was the dumpee so I will have a different perspective on it to my ex. I haven't seen or spoken to her for over three and a half months, so in a way she is 'dead'. These feelings could also be a result of idealising the relationship and the ex after the split. It hurts to realise how you should have behaved, or need to change only AFTER the end of the relationship which once gave you so much joy. Life has a way of teaching you things!
  8. I had an awful dream last night. So bad it woke me up and it took me a while to realise it was only a dream. I dreamt my ex was dead and that I was at her funeral. One of those dreams that seems too real, it made me feel terrible. I felt so sad that she died after we had split and that we hadn't had the happiness we should have. She was far too young and had so much to live for, she was always a happy, smiling person. The loss was awful. Somehow I only found out near the time of the funeral. Her mother was there too. Whilst it felt horrible, so bad that I think my sub-conscious made me wake up to stop it, it did help me know it was only a dream. The details were wrong: in the dream she was 28, in real life she is 32; the place and the people weren't familiar to me, except her Mum. Even though I knew it was a dream, it shook me up because the emotions were real. Nasty. I wanted to ring her to find out if she was OK. Guess it symbolises the 'death' of our relationship?! Any dream analysts out there have an alternative interpretation?
  9. I don't think it is mean. You need to recover first. This has been a big emotional upset for you and she was a big factor in causing it (without reading you previous post - the URL didn't work BTW). My guess is that hearing from her will bring up conflicts/negative emotions and this will hamper your recovery. [Edit: Just read your reply and think you recognise this, hence the post]. The trouble is, part of you wants to hear her too! It is tricky, I know. Many times I've almost called or written to my ex. If I am honest with myself, it is when I secretly want her back. When I get over that feeling, I know it would have been a bad idea in the long run. You can always make brief contact by e-mail, it's less personal. Maybe even say that you don't want to be 'friends' right now, although there might be a time when you can be. Keep up the No Contact and all that other healing stuff!
  10. Hold on to the ticket for now. See how you feel in a few weeks/months time. Maybe you can turn this in to a positive by taking a new date? "You were a mistake"? Ouch! Take someone that will appreciate you. Isn't La Boheme a bit of a tear-jerker?! Puccini knows how to tug those heart strings powerfully. If you don't go, don't beat yourself up about it. We are all allowed to do things that seem like great ideas at the time, but which we regret later.
  11. Splendidlylost, that has been a factor in both my last relationships and a source of great frustration for me. As you rightly point out, these barriers to hurt also act as barriers to love! If you don't want to ever get hurt, then don't fall in love. I'd rather take my chances. I got the feeling my ex broke up with me to pre-empt further "hurt", or to pre-empt me splitting up with her. She had given an ultimatum about what she wouldn't take before. The 'hurt' was my depression and occasional withdrawal (largely initiated by being unemployed at the time), which she took personally. I thought that our love would see us through these problems. I asked her not to see barriers to our compatibility. No-one is perfect. But this was clearly too much for her and didn't match up to the image of the relationship she had in her head. I too saw our differences, but wanted to stay with her because of the strength of the connection I thought we had. My ex-ex even resisted getting IN to the relationship by saying she didn't want to get hurt! We almost broke up before we had even got together Of course, as soon as a problem came up later, so did her barriers and her fears became justified. I could practically see the thought bubble that said: "See?! I knew that this would happen. I let myself get involved with a man again and I've been hurt again. Well I won't let you hurt me anymore, I'm going away from you so you can't do this to me". Writing it out like this, it seems a child-like response. Which does point to a deeper psychological issue relating to ones inner child. Time for me to go and read a book...
  12. Glad to be of some help. although I can't take all the credit. I got the no booze tip from VitalCoaching and the rubber band tip from Eatz. One reason why I think it helps me feel better is that I am in control of something which is benefitting my state of mind and general well-being, and it feels good. When you have been dumped you are at the mercy of a hoard of negative emotions and it takes time and energy to deal with them. You need to have everything on your side to recover. Only two bottles of beer this weekend!
  13. Yes. weekends suck! Too much time to think about how great they used to be when your ex was around, the things you used to do together etc. Weekend mornings are the worst for me. Lying in bed alone without having to get up to work always reminds me that she's not there with me If I'm not careful, this can get depressing. It helps to keep busy. Plan your weekends so you always have something to do and to look forward to. Socialise with old friends, go away somewhere, do things you've never done before, exercise etc etc. Good time for focussing on yourself and rebuilding your confidence. Don't expect to get back where you were instantly, it does take time...(three and a half months for me).
  14. Something worth mentioning that may help those going through a break up now. I have stopped drinking on weekdays for over a month now and feel a lot more positive and in control of my life. I feel sharper in the mornings and I can do more in the evenings as well. I still have a drink at the weekends, but only a few glasses. So I would recommend cutting out alcohol if you are going through a break up. I realised that I tended to feel more depressed and have more negative thoughts when I drank. Although it feels like you can block out those negative thoughts by drinking, it only makes them worse. It's made me more aware of the effect alcohol has on my emotions. Another helpful tip I picked up was wearing an elastic band on your wrist. Give it a snap when you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts/daydreaming about your ex. I wasn't drinking a lot, up to half a bottle of wine a night, maybe more at weekends. The hardest bit was not having wine to go with my meal, but it was fine once I got out of the habit. Now I have got a variety of different soft drinks to choose from. Still have wine at the weekends - no point depriving yourself of one of life's pleasures! I have always done a lot of cycling which keeps me fit and I take good care of my body, having a good diet, drinking plenty of water, doing yoga and so on. All of which are to be recommened too! Anyway, if you do drink, try stopping and see if it helps.
×
×
  • Create New...