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it is end of a long day. I am thinking of you and wishing I told you how much I loved you. One thing keeping me from picking up the phone is remembering how bad you were in bed. I mean last, zero, nada. How selfish and boring. How utterly broken I must have been. It not for some inexplicable chemistry that red flag and fifteen others I will list sometime, is why I let the relationship go on at all.

Day 4 I must look for and respect red flags. Listening to an audio on grieving is helping. The frequency and intensity of the triggers are reducing. What is sad is the loss my ability to shape my reality, (if you want to change something, change the way you look at it). I did was not looking when this relationship started in a very sober way (for me), in that we were friends only for the first 4 months. not touching no kissing, etc.. We had a spark not a physical one and not spiritual. When I look at this person I will always feel love and attraction but it does not overcome the other realities of we are both facing, i.e., exceedingly stressful financial situation (life or death). The physical component was healthy on one level but i bit to vanilla for me. We both were brought up and schooled in a very religious environment and i feel i am less restrained then her. Maybe this was one of many red flags that would make any other relationship a non-starter. I ignored the red flags. I commit to writing the red flags down on paper that are non-negotiable in case i ever have a relationship again. Frankly, i am done with relationships and don't care anymore. I am considering moving out of country in few years anyway.

I am in NC with my GF. I have her on my cell plan - i have been paying it for last 2 years. What should i do? tell here to get hear own or wait another month she will likely want to reconcile?

Day 8 NC The Relationship Remorse I am not sure if i was acting sane. I was not loving myself due to my finances, could not look myself in the face and hence could not look at her. It is possible I was lashing out and projecting my frustration with life on my GF. I have waves of grief but I am not resisting or running from them. They don't last long. My priority is on self-care, Eating clean, exercise, de-cluttering. I am considering going to a relationship SH meeting tomorrow. I may double down on the same trip to a numbers / money meeting which is an area I have been working on my whole life. I have adhd and I learned a bit problem is keeping track of finances. I am glad i found this thread because a closed friend (non professional) suggested confronting my GT to get closure and moving on . I concur with the consensus I am picking up on this thread - "when it doubt - stay out". Frankly i have very little choice in the matter, so it is a matter of conserving energy and directing resources.

Day 7 NC The Break Up I told my girlfriend of 4 years (we are not living together) i did not fell we were building a partnership due to her lack of reciprocity and empathy. She said we way "busy working too jobs" but I understand that. She made plans w/o me for holidays which i pissed and happy to be relieved of duty I have done NC for 3 months and one for 2 months.. it worhed I had to think about it I want to live my life with someone like that, I am sure she would say she is too giving. Phscially and spiritually we were attracted but not sexually compatible w. I am going into a new field and have to learn. I needed focused time since may 23 to complete my project and there were spending a lot less time together. w The further she gets away from me the more i want her ( this will wear off) .. We are not broken up and have to keep options open and not getting closure , is that good? I still pay her cell bill, should i tell here to get her own phone. i Love her ever much despite the negatives but do know i should not have gotten involved with anyone until i can take care of my self. (can be soon). I feel sad, depressed,,feel like I lost my only friend. In my experience those the leave for financial security are rarely happy. in a way i don't blame here a I Can not go pout right now, I cont go out much so i can work through the holidays. If she shows. great, if not i documenting the 15 red flags i ignored. I free I lost the person who is compatible .i zm prepared to deal with that.