indigowoman

Hello again, thanks for the response, Shy Guy. My lover and I have been emailing. She's really cut loose with some anger that I didn't really know was there. She feels very neglected, unappreciated, and is resentful of all the things that pull on me in my daily life. I guess I feel like she's right in many ways; I don't have time to be the kind of lover she needs and deserves. Part of me can be very intellectual about this, very rational. It's obvious that I need to just end this, for her sake, and deal with the pain that results. Otherwise -- I'm really afraid I'll just hurt her more. she's such a good person! -- I guess neither one of us was really sure it would ever make it this far, to the point where we loved one another so much that we can't take being apart. But I have explored the possibilities. Neither one of my kids is willing to consider a move. If I could just somehow summon up more energy, be more THERE for Sue, she would be much happier. But the reality is, I can't. I can't mother, and teach, and then magically not be busy when she comes to visit, or go out to visit her more often than I do. I deserve happiness -- that's certainly true. But at what price? -- I come from a family where our mother literally tossed us kids to the winds according to her needs, alcoholism, and passions. My siblings and I were really damaged. I guess part of that damage is this powerful need to never abandon our own children, or to even uproot them. My lover knows all this. She just thinks I can let it go. It's a lonely night tonight. But I really think that my lover, who is my best friend, my strongest supporter, a wonderful woman, deserves better than this. I think I'm going to end it, and tell her she's free. It'll hurt her for awhile, I know. But someone will surely scoop her up. She's amazing. We'll stay friends, I think. Though I may need to separate myself to learn how to be alone again, I know that we'll always be friends. God, I love her. -- we knew this was a risk when we started this part of the relationship -- that it might not work out. Now, here we are. Anyone else been through this? Were you able to stay friends?

Hi Ivanna, I was 16 when I met a 32 year old guy. He was married, 2 kids. Big mistake. He went through a messy divorce, but we thought we were 'destined' for each other. I married him when I was 19. Guess what? 20 years later, I grew up and became a real person -- and not the person he wanted me to be. It took 20 years. I stayed at least 5 years, maybe more, than I should have, for the sake of our own kids, and because I couldn't believe that I'd made such a stupid mistake. What a waste of my life! The problem isn't just that he's older, or that he's married. The problem is that you are not operating at the same speed as your guy. In ten years, he'll be 42, you'll be 32. in 20 years, he'll be 52, you'll be 42. Are you ready for that?! What do you want to accomplish in your life? What dreams do you have? My married man made me feel like I was the queen of the world -- and I was, as long as he was the center of my universe. When I began to want my own friends, my own career, my own money, and my own time -- he hated me. My advice: give yourself a cooling-off period. That probably feels like the last thing you want to do. Also, remember that this woman who is married to your guy is another woman: a sister! Do you really want to do this to another woman? Do you really want a guy who would cheat on his wife?! -- my now-ex husband turned out to be not just a philanderer, but a philanderer who, when I got 'out of control' at age 35, started lusting after 17 year old girls who looked like me! There's something about 32 year old men that loves being able to control younger women. Don't fall for the great sex bit. Surprisingly enough, great sex is not that hard to come by, and at least with an unmarried man, you don't have to pay with so much pain. trust me.

forgot to mention that my lover will not move. After 30 years of wandering the world, she bought a big piece of land and built her dream cabin on it (before we decided to be a couple). It's gorgeous, and I would love to be there with her -- the solitude wouldn't bother me a bit. Because of her health (a chronic condition), she works part-time and also has a home business. She doesn't want to move, and she probably couldn't sell her home for what it's worth, anyway. And yeah, the kids do love her. As I said, we've been friends a long time, and so although there was a little adjustment period, both kids (a girl and a boy) really like her, and have accepted her. -- we've always said our friendship would survive anything, and I hope that it does survive this. She's a good person and the kids have learned a lot from her. I won't cut her out of our lives! But it will be painful for a long time if we end our relationship as lovers ... hard to be friends for a certain length of time, I think. This morning I told my daughter that it didn't look like things were going to work out with me and Sue. My daughter immediately came close and hugged me and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Mom." She never would have done that 2 years ago. She's grown and learned so much about compassion and love. I feel lucky in so many ways. I am just dreading the loss, and have thought and thought and thought about how to avoid it -- but I think we've used up all the time we had. My lover's health is worsening, and I'm afraid that the stress of our long-distance commute and my inability to be there for her is a large part of the reason... thanks for responding.

After much delay, a dear friend and I became lovers two years ago. It's been a strong and loving relationship; we've worked through a lot of crap together. However, we live 3000 miles apart, and she's beginning to pressure me to make a decision about moving to her side of the country. I have 2 teenage children, and have told my lover that I want to stay in their hometown until they both graduate (2 years for the oldest, four for the youngest). Yes, that's a long time. However, I feel that uprooting my kids (or leaving them with their father, a raving homophobe) is not an option. My lover and I have strong feelings for one another, and care deeply about one another's well being. She's having a lot of health problems and needs and deserves a full-time partner. I guess I'm asking for advice about how to deal with what seems inevitable heartbreak. I'm a teacher, work long hours, and have few friends. I get a lot of strokes from my career, but personal contact is minimal. I'm afraid of overwhelming loneliness, but don't want to hurt this wonderful woman. How do people get through this kind of thing? I've been unlucky with love. A bad marriage to a man, a volatile and disastrous affair with a woman that nearly killed me, and now this! How do we find lovers who are loving, and supportive, and in the right place at the right time?! My lover hasn't given me her final thoughts on this, but from her conversation and emails, I can tell this is what's coming. I'm trying to prepare myself, I guess.