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OceanEyes

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  • Birthday 01/19/1981

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  1. My ex used to stare - at first I said nothing - but after a while (and after letting him know that it wasn't cool), I began resenting him for it. I agree that, as human beings, we all have natural instincts to both notice and appreciate beauty. I see nothing wrong with that. I find that it is quite another thing to minimize your partner's presense by staring/ drooling over someone else. It's tacky. Not only that, but if the person being stared at notices, it gives her (especially if it's a HIM) the impression that you're interested in them.
  2. I completely *get* what you're saying here, because I've had similar issues my whole life. I think they are usually referred to as "daddy issues", lol !!! And hey, I'm not saying that you have daddy issues, but I'm willing to bet that there were some family issues during your developmental years that may be a contributing factor to this "problem". Here's a mini checklist on whether or not you may have a bit of a battle ahead: * You always "wear the pants" in the relationships you choose. * You're always the one to bail, usually out of boredom. * You choose "nice guys", but get bored easily. * You love the thrill of the chase, but find long-term relationships drain you of your energy. This is very difficult to get back, though. The reason for that is simple: no matter who you end up with, or how exciting they are in the beginning, things will always settle down and a symbiosis develops. This is usually considered a good thing by most, but you need more, right? What I see happening here is that you're simply not ready to be committed long-term. You can't have both (unless you want to live a double life and be that girl), but you can seriously consider all options and alternatives to being coupled up or single. When you meet the right guy, you just know that you wouldn't want anyone or anything else. He's probably a great guy, but you're bored. For many people, boredom is one of the worst possible scenarios and is reason enough to be single.
  3. Yeah, it's kind of sad but it's also true. And, the funny thing is that most pornographic material is more geared for men's enjoyment than for women's. Seriously - the ratio of extremely hot men to extremely hot women in the porn industry is BIG TIME in favour of women. I once heard a gay guy friend of mine say, "a guy under 30 can rub up against a pole and get a boner". I'm not saying this is true in all cases, but it made me laugh!
  4. You're right, EK. Some men give an initial impression of being very confident and secure, but I can still remember a time my boyfriend wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night because a girlfriend and I made some comments about a celebrity - not a real man in the real world - a celebrity. And then, there are other things that do not bother him at all. This can be a highly subjective issue. What works for one couple (attending strip clubs together/ watching porn/ discussing 'hotness', lol) may NOT work for another. It's nobody else's place to tell YOU how to feel, or how not to feel about something. Boundaries and expectations in a private relationship are between the people who are IN IT. I have a girlfriend who cannot leave her apartment for the night if her boyfriend doesn't approve of what she's wearing (especially short skirts). A lot of women would consider this demeaning and controlling, but she thinks it's "cute". Just an example of how what works for one person does NOT work for another. We are all cut from the same cloth essentially, but we take different colours and shapes in the end.
  5. There's something that is a bit unclear to me: do you think that it's your lack of sex drive that is causing depression, the feeling of "emptiness", and the lack of sexual activity? Or, is it that you haven't been intimate with your boyfriend in over a month and haven't flirted in a long time that is getting you 'down'? We ALL go through rough patches. And there are many people who will tell you that sex is the key ingredient in a healthy and happy relationship, and to a great extent - it is. However, when your mental state is constantly a roller-coaster and you're feeling down more than you're feeling happy, sex and all things sexual take a back seat to feelings of emptiness and discomfort. It sounds a bit to me like your relationship has gotten a bit stale, and that you're more the type who likes the initial excitement of a NEW relationship or the possibility of one. It's not wrong to crave new and exciting things, and it's quite possible that you're not into your current man enough to want to see things through.
  6. A complete disinterest in what people think about him. Genuine confidence. Direct, no BS communication. Eye contact and no shifty body language. The way he walks - a stride as opposed to a shuffle.
  7. Very true. I can't tell you how many times I've misenterpreted things said to me via IM/ e-mail. It's very easy to do so, and even easier if you're both going through a sensitive time. I'd probably just say something like this: "I accept full responsibility for hurting you through my actions ... I can really understand how destructive it was to put you in this position. That said, I just want you to know that I made a mistake, and that I feel awful for it. I'd like nothing more than to talk to you about this when YOU'RE ready to do so ... please feel free to call me or stop by whenever you want. I'm always here."
  8. I've actually been in a communal-living situation with three guys about three years ago, one of whom was my boyfriend. Here's how the relationship dynamics worked: I was dating "the responsible" roommate. Always had to collect rent at the end of the month, pay the astoundingly high electricity bills on his Visa, deal with the idiot landlord while the others were more concerned with partying. *Ben* was in a long-term relationship with *Amy*. Ben was the goofy, fun roommate. Amy and I didn't get along from the start, no matter HOW hard I tried. I had absolutely NO interest in Ben, and I doubt that he did in me either. In fact, Ben and I rarely got along because we were too much alike. I was told recently that she felt "uncomfortable" because of how at ease I was with the guys who lived there. I'm a naturally extraverted, blunt type of girl with the same sense of humour as the other guys (think: dumb comedies and beer-drinking in the middle of the week, etc.). She was shy, introverted, and soft-spoken. Basically, we were complete opposites. *Chris* went through a string of girlfriends, all of whom I got along with famously. *Dan* had one girlfriend, was a total sweetheart who couldn't have disapproved of anyone. We got along wonderfully. Long story short? Unless you and this girl can somehow find a way to befriend one another - find common interests and such, there is absolutely no way this is going to work out well. At all. It didn't for me, and I can tell you that it is awful to have to avoid someone you simply can't avoid. She lives there, for an undetermined amount of time, and you two will simply have to find some common ground. Your boyfriend is bating you a bit. He enjoys having both her AND your attention, and is milking it for everything its worth. If he wasn't, he wouldn't continually ask you dumb questions about being threatened. He's getting some immature pleasure out of it when he should be more sensitive about him taking on a female roommate. How do you think he'd react if you told him tomorrow that you answered an ad of a guy looking for a roommate? That the guy was "amazingly cool", and so on? Then his face was rubbed in yours and his relationship constantly? It's not impossible to defeat, but it takes some understanding from both sides. I'm not going to tell you to "get over it" or "get used to it", because NOTHING is that simple. You're a human being with complexity and needs of your own.
  9. Then why do you care if he doesn't e-mail you/ contact you as frequently? You obviously can't be friends with him. My male friends do not ask me for phone sex, and if they did, they wouldn't be my "friend" for long. The guy sounds like a pig.
  10. LOL ... I'm sure that you expected a bit of scrutiny here huh Goldfish? I'm not going to bother telling you how wrong this all is, because chances are VERY good that you already know that. Otherwise, why would you find yourself here asking for advice? So, let's just say that you already know all of this and try to look at this from a different perspective. You've had a few great times, and obviously feel some kind of connection with this guy. BUT - what do YOU really expect to get out of this? Are you prepared to trust him or what he says? You do know that he goes back to his wife, lies to her, and sleeps with her as well? It's almost impressive how a disgusting guy like this can get away with treating people the way he does. This man sounds like a bit of a sociopath (a person, as a psychopathic personality, whose behavior is antisocial and who lacks a sense of moral responsibility or social conscience). The point I'm trying to make, is that he doesn't really seem to care about the people who love HIM. His interests are 100% completely and totally selfish. A person with even an average conscience will think twice about doing something like this. This guy didn't even seem to think once about it. That, right there, should tell you enough about him and his "character" to cut him off right then and there. Now, the only reason that I can see YOU tolerating this, is if you are also somewhat of a sociopath. I'm not saying that you are, obviously because I don't know you. You have to understand, that there are other people in the world that will be directly affected by YOUR choices; his wife and kids will feel this much more than you ever will. I think that your ability to continue a relationship with this man says something about your character as well, but it's not too late to 'wake up' and realize that nothing good can come of this. I apologize if any of this sounded harsh, but I believe that willingly engaging in sex and clandestine behaviour with a man who was married less than a month ago speaks volumes about him AND you. You have much less responsibility than he does, but be humane and realistic. You can find deep, meaninful, intense sexual connections with MANY men in this world.
  11. Hmmm ... I've been where you are, and I know it isn't easy. The one piece of advice that I GOT and didn't take (but hopefully you will), is to avoid assuming the worst. It will bring nothing but paranoia and you won't be thinking clearly. It sounds like you both need some time to gather your thoughts - and believe me - sometimes this is a very good thing and can help matters greatly. So please, don't assume anything right now. Giving a man time to think is difficult, but he will appreciate it more than you can possibly know. He said that he believes that you two have something special, and have a lot of great times together. If things were really going to end, I doubt that he would have said this. He's feeling inadequate right now, and needs your reassurance - ONLY - if you feel that you can really give it to him. If you've been brought up differently or are from a different class altogether, then he may feel that he just doesn't 'make the cut', so-to-speak. This is something YOU will have to think about and discuss with him. Be honest with him about what you expect. Ask him how he feels about it - then listen, empathize, and validate his feelings. You don't necessarily have to agree, but it helps a great deal to have someone actually see your point of view. If you really want things to work, and I think they probably can, then you're both going to have to be willing to work at it. Understand each other. Don't compare your relationship to anyone or anything else. Every couple is different, because our differences MAKE it so. Just because your girlfriend has an "amazing" relationship and her boyfriend does things that yours doesn't, doesn't mean that yours isn't as good.
  12. I don't see why she found the need to offer her $0.02 about this matter. She's angry about something else and is finding reasons to get upset with you.
  13. I'd just like to add that my boyfriend has had three crap-mobiles since I started dating him in September of 2003. He was advised many times by his mechanic to scrap his first car because it was actually unsafe, but he kept driving it anyway. He loved it and didn't care! And neither did I. I'm probably going to be given a good boot for this, but I actually do think that money is important. Not in the superficial, "I want a guy to pay for everything/ take me on vacations/ be my sugar-daddy" sense. I think it's important because I want to go out and do things ... I want to be able to go out for dinner once in a while, go away for long weekends, pay bills, etc. ... without worrying too much about it. I don't need expensive gifts, jewelry, or $300 meals. It's about the quality and comfort of life together, NOT about luxury. This isn't about being shallow or discriminating. A crappy car doesn't equate to being poor. I've dated guys who've had a lot of money, and guys who've had very little. I've found good and bad in both, and it really does come down to chemistry and compatibility. However, I'm also getting closer to a time of my life where I want to be with a guy who has his crap together financially. I've just seen what struggling with money can do (my parents did it for years and it was, at times, absolutely awful), and if I have kids, I would like for them to have parents who have the money to provide for them completely.
  14. If this girl has money and appreciates nice things, then I could honestly see why she would be turned off by the car and gift card. I'm not saying that every girl would feel the same way, but this one seemed different ... like she was looking for someone who was around the same part of their life as she was. And, sorry to say, but I don't really find anything wrong with that. For the record ... if it was just coffee, I'd probably be turned off by the gift card. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude here at all, but if I went on a date with a 38 year-old (and was around that age too), and the guy pulled out a gift card for $2 coffee, I'd have to REALLY like him to want to continue dating him. Did you pick the place to have coffee, or did she? If you did, she may have assumed that you picked the place so that you could use your gift card. She may have perceived it as being cheap or stingy in some way. And again, many girls wouldn't even think twice about this sort of thing. A girl who has a great job, money, and who likes nice, expensive things will most likely not be your perfect match.
  15. There were two that I found especially great: I respect that you haven't automatically assumed that people who've cheated or had 'checkered' pasts are always going to be that way. It's refreshing to read something that doesn't carry the stigma "once a cheater always a cheater", or something equally closed-minded. Many people change and grow with time.
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