dpressedone89

yes i did. and thank you.

falling through the mirror nothing seems real as i hit the floor i smile because i feel healed flowers and butterflies are all i see needles straws and cigarrettes you help me see through dark sunglasses lick my razorblade and kill the masquerade i wear death on my face and blood on my arms powder on my nose but i love the snow in california i smile because i cant feel my face and everything is beautiful except for me -stitches

hey everyone, its been a while since i posted but i feel i need some help and support and i have no where else to get it. I am depressed again, to an extent far beyond anything ive ever felt before. I dont have any desire to ever wake again. no looking forward to being with friends( i have none). no dreaming of my morning cup of coffee, which is what got me through the last bout of depression. ok to bring you all up to speed, i was a recovering cocaine addict. i have relapsed. i was in love with the perfect girl. unfortunately it was an online relationship and now we have no means of contact so my dream girl has been taken from me. that brings me to thinking i had a beautiful girl right in town who loved me so much. she did cheat on me, but thats my fault for not giving her the attention she deserved. im back together with her now. its just the way she cheated that bothers me, she did it for beer, and for the attention, essentially she prostituted herself for whatever she needed at the time. but thats all over now she promises me that she wont even think of talking to any other guy now. but it still hurts knowing that my sweet innocent little angel has known another mans touch. i am now the victim of my alchoholism again. a prisoner. and other drugs as well.ecstasy.cocaine.meth.acid. and even heroin recently. to either improve my waking hours or prevent my waking. it seems each night i party as a hidden suicide attempt. i no longer enjoy the high, i enjoy the thought that it may have been too much this time. im still trying to get my hs diploma, but its so frustrating. reading stories of the utmost horror and sorrow, that dont even half compare to that of my waking life. i fear this is rock bottom. for once my dad is proud of me, im a drone. i get up and work a job i hate, come home and do homework i dont care to learn about. i live in a relationship based on trusting the perosn who has hurt me more than anyone else has ever come close. i write poems that dont even form a cohesive thought. example: slave their lives away needles and amputees cry bleed five minute peace i really dont know what to do. someone please help me. -stitcheS

my grandparents are oblivious and my dad and i just distance ourselves, we forced her into rehab twice and both times she just steals from us and uses again, its all good though

okay so im at christmas dinner last night. im not too big on family gatherings but i went anyway(my dad took my car where else was i gonna go) and we get there and my aunt shows up with no warning. my aunt is junkie. a complete heroin addict. she is also a lesbian. she just chose to come out to my grandparents at christmas dinner. her girlfriend just happened to be african american. and made countless jokes about our "cracker *** family" which in my oppinion was inappropriate. more than that they were both high. they were doing coke the whole night and i was the only one who noticed,(what a coincidence, me the former coke addict notcies lol who'd of thought) i even asked and she came clean when i she realized she was cornered and couldnt lie her way out. i didnt say anything to anyone because well it was christmas and im no saint but it sure was an interesting night. oh by the way my aunt is 37 her gf is 17(but looks 30) so yeah. now my question is, i know that everyone has stuff like this happen but does it normally happen all at once like this? i mean this is nuts it was fit to be a tv show. i dont think my family is normal lol

it is rather nice if i do say so myself

i agree, i would get him something but nothing too extravagant

yep im not all sorrow and melancholy lol

hey, everybody, this post isnt so much asking for advice as it is my confession of undieing love for the most beautiful, smart, funny, kind ... perfect girl. i guess you could say we're in an online/long distance relationship. we met here in fact a few years ago. i love her with all my heart and nothing in this world means more to me and i hope she feels the same. im writing this half hoping she will read this and understand just how much i love her. we havent met face to face yet, and i know she is the one. im actually working on getting out to see her, trying to save some money which isnt working because of the holidays and my father "borrowing" 1200$ from me but it is all good, i will still be able to do it.my father is even okay with her moving in with me when she is ready. i love this girl more than the air that fills my lungs as i audibly mumble this confession to myself joyfully. she is the reason im off cocaine, she is the reason i no longer harm my own body, she is the reason i live. and i love her. and if anyone chooses to think that because of the LDR right now that this isnt real, then i pity them for missing the true beauty of love, undieing unconditional, love i just wanted to say that. -stitcheS

better to write it out than act it out right?

who forwarded the email to you?

tomorro erases everything yesterday has gone away no more here and now no more where and when they all wonder how how could this have been never a subtle word everything just hurts and tomorro it all goes away watch the sun rise on my suicide why did i fall so far from god i just hate it all make them go away they say time will change most everything but i just erased the time no more existence of this humble breed watch the sun rise while i bleed inside cutting out my heart and watch the sun rise on my suicide and i will create the endless night -stitches i wrote this a while ago, what do you guys think?

OK FOR THE RECORD I AM GOING TO WORK SO NO ONE ASSUME IM DEAD BECAUSE I SIGN OFF ILL BE BACK ON LATE TONIGHT, LIKE I SAID MY DECISION HASNT BEEN FINALLIZED YET. thank you all so very much for caring it does mean alot to me. -stitcheS

oh and the coke addiction has been 6 weeks or so clean, but i dont think i can resist it today, i mean it makes me happy, which is what i need today, and its only about 12 ft away so no inconvienence -stithceS

i just came to grips with the fact that nothing in my life is going to change. looking at a bad situation with optimism doesnt make it any less bad. its become so bad in my life now that my sole purpose in liffe is to defy death, all the bad stuff that life throws at me, to take it and throw it back. ive grown angry with my life with myself nad with my creator and revenge is my motivation for living, and its just not enough, i dont want to live as someone who lives completely out of hatred true be it that i am in love with a wonderful girl and we are so close to finally being together but love is like an amplifier everything hurts more now. i love her so much that every little bad thing that happens to her hurts me so that i wish i could just take all of it away. but i cant. and i feel so insignificant that i cant even make the most important person in my life happy, its a glaring slap in the face from a world that has been kicking me around since i was born. my mother attempted to abort me before i was born. she was on crystal meth throughout her whole pregnancy.i was neglected my whole life until i was 4 and lucky enough to start being abused instead. raped, not going into more detail on that.addicted to heroin in 7th grade because i ahd access and nothing to live for. im bi polar schizophrenic. i have no real friends to lean on i did have one but he moved away with less than 24 hour notice, he barely said goodbye. my schizophrenia scares me. i dont have the normal every so often i catch a glimps of something not there. i see stuff of biblical proportion. battlescenes blood and gore fire and brimstone complete with auditory hallucinations of crippling screams of agony. i dont even recognize the person i see in the nmirror anymore. and that my friends is why i feel this is what needs to be done.death is nothingness. i would rather not exist than continue this life -stitcheS