fusionoflove

It's rape, plain and simple. To look at it in any other way is stupid and denies the victim her rights as a human being. Listen, I'm a 25 year old male and was raped in the same scenario presented above. I tried to downplay it. I called it experimentation. It screwed up my entire life. I lost the only woman I've ever loved because of it. I pushed her away because I thought I was unlovable, dirty, damaged goods. I abused drugs and alcohol to the point of closing myself off from everyone, most importantly myself and my feelings. I suffered 3 to 4 panic attacks a day for over a year. I thought of suicide, etc, etc, etc. I couldn't even have sex anymore. I thought I was abusing the woman and sometimes I would disconnect during sex. My body was there, but my mind and soul went someplace else. Does goddess23 think that this guy who raped me should not be charged? Does someone out there want to tell me or try to explain to me that what happened was not rape? You can't. I know for a fact that you can't because I tried for a over a year to call it something else. I never and I mean I never called it rape. It was a friend who pointed it out to me. Unless you've been raped or sexually abused you have no clue how it feels to be a victim. So please don't try and say it's not rape or try to explain it in another way. By doing so, we as a whole do not help to put an end to sexual abuse in this world. FACT- Date rape is the most common form of rape. The reason is that the victim will be less likely to report the crime. Alcohol and drugs are the weapon. Take it easy everyone. I know I'm trying to. Fusion

Hey, I just want you to know that things can get better for both of you, especially him. Please understand that a lot people don't start dealing with childhood sexual abuse until 20 or 30 years after the abuse has ended. I don't know if it is better or worse, but I was raped as an adult. I"m 25 and it occurred about 16 months ago. Rape is one step below murder as far as crimes go, but it's the most underreported one in the United States. I'm in therapy right now, but one book has really been helpful to me. It's Mike Lew's, Victims No Longer. Also, the book has allowed me start facing the physical abuse I sustained as a child. I guess it's better to start healing now, than tomorrow. Please understand and I can't stress this enough do not push your boyfriend to do anything about it. It will drive him away. Just be supportive and tell him that you'll always be there for him. By the way, the book is only twenty bucks, but it's worth every penny. Take it easy, Fusion

Well, my last girlfriend got a whole lot better at it over time. I'd have to say that the most underrated tool is got to be the tongue. Remember, that the underbelly of the head is the most sensitive part. It's where all the nerves are located. You don't have to use your tongue in the same manner as licking a lollipop. For me, that's just a turn-on, but it doesn't really get me going. Try to use your tongue while in the act. If I knew exactly what she did with hers I would tell you, but I can say that it felt really, really good. So good in fact that I could never last more than a few minutes if she did it. If she didn't I could go for a long time. Oh, by the way, I think most guys are into watching because we're so damn visually stimulated. So make sure your hair isn't in the way. Take it easy, Fusion

Since everyone is getting there pills worth in on this post I might as well. Through my personal experience I think that meds can be helpful. People are right when they state that most of the time pills become the frontrunner in recovery. I'm a survivor of rape. To cover it up or to help me cope for over a year I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. Did it help, on a minute-to-minute basis, yes it did. It allowed me to walk through life like a zombie. I became totally detached from reality and my feeling/emotions. Once I decided to stop abusing, my panic attacks, thoughts of suicide, etc., etc. became worse. Once I entered therapy, things did get worse before they started to become better. About 3 weeks ago, in my therapist's office I told her that I think it was time for me to get on some "happy pills", but mentioned that I didn't really want to. I said this for two reasons. One, look where alcohol/drugs had gotten me. Two, when I feel happy I want to know I feel happy and why I do. I just didn't want to become dependent on anything again. Something happened, I don't know why exactly, but about 3 days later the panic attacks stopped. I haven't had one in about 17-18 days. Sounds crazy just to say it. I was in a habit of having 4-5 a day for well over a year. My point is this, some people need the drugs and some don't. I think that people are always looking for a quick, sure answer to everything. I know I did, but for me I just couldn't let myself get on them. I always looked at them as a last resort. A friend of my mother's who is around the same age as me is also a survivor of rape. They have her on so many different drugs that I can't remember all the names. She went to a psychiatrist on Thursday and they diagnosed her as bi-polar. What the hell? How can she go from being a somewhat normal adult two months prior to the rape to now being diagnosed as bi-polar? I just don't get it. I think that her problem is that both her and her family just want a quick solution to things so anything will do. For God's sake, I checked out the symptoms of someone who is bi-polar. They're practically the same as someone with rape trauma syndrome. Hell, with all the flashbacks she's had or I had I wouldn't be surprised if they diagnosed us with schizophrenia next. The problem with pills is that once they start they are never going to stop. At the same though, I think that if I would faced up to what happened to me, instead of running away meds probably would've helped at the start. But after losing a year of my life to other drugs, I'm reluctant to try any. In some ways, I think that not using meds helped me oh so very much. I was able to experience every range of emotion and thought connected within me. Yeah, it sucks and it really sucked at it's worst. I was a prisoner in my mind and it made me feel like a caged monster. I don't find anything wrong with anyone that wants a little extra boost, but 75% of the time is becomes their entire life. This is just from my own experience. Take it easy, Fusion

Keep on pouring out your emotions. Don't hold anything back and don't cut yourself off from yourself or other people. Just remember that there are people in this world who have gone through worse times than either you or I could imagine. If they could get through it, then both of us can. I've been depressed for over a year, but I'm starting to come out of it. Slowly, though. Baby steps, baby steps. If you really want someone to talk to I would encourage you to seek therapy/counseling. I wish I would've started it last year, instead of 8 weeks ago. Although I think that it doesn't matter when you start as long as you start. At least you're already in touch with what you're going through and trying to express that with other people. I numbed out with alcohol and drugs. Not a good thing because when I quit, I had to go through withdrawal plus all the emotions and thoughts I didn't want to confront. Find someone, anyone that you can trust. You may be surprised to find that other people have experienced something similar to you. Hang in there. Take it easy. Fusion

I wish I could say something different, but I can't. It's the advice I've given to myself everytime I've felt down. Listen, I was sexually abused at a party at my own house by a guy I didn't even know very well. I was drunk, drugged and had no idea what was really going on. I tried to forget about it. I thought, I'm a heterosexual man dammit, I must've wanted it. I must have wanted to experiment. Nothing could've been farther from the truth. It wasn't until a well over a year later, that a friend of mine(a girl) brought up the incident. I'd stopped drinking by that point, but everything was getting worse. I thought about suicide on a daily basis and even thought about cutting off my you know what. My friend asked me about it. She kept hammering away at me about it, thank God. Finally, she said, it sounds like you were raped. I'd been suffering from rape trauma syndrome for that long. My anxiety/panic attacks haunted me everyday. I'm in therapy and it's helped me so much. I used to worry about my sexual identity, fear of another attack, etc, etc. Everything does get better. I've now gone almost 6 full days without a anxiety/panic attack. I did it without drugs, but I wish I would've had them to begin with. My advice is this, don't judge recovery on a minute to minute basis or even day by day. Judge it from week to week or even better yet month to month. Remember the entire world is not filled with perps and victims. Through all that you or I have been through this planet can seem pretty evil at times. Maybe it is, but that doesn't mean that we have to live in fear. Hang in there love. I promise it'll be worth it. By the way, don't ever be afraid to cry or show your emotions. I once read in a book that it takes 1,500 hours of streaming tears to get over something as horrible as what happened to us. The number is a bit high, but I think you'll get the point. It's not your fault, it's not your fault. Take it easy. Fusion PS-talk and talk and talk about what happened to as many people as you can, but make sure they're ready to take on that burden. You'll be surprised how many people have gone through something similar. Rape is the most underreported crime in the United States. It's estimated that 1 out 4 adult females have been raped and that 1 out 6 adult males have been. Most people think this number is low because of people not reporting. Next time you're at school or wherever, look around. It's sad that people like us go through what we do, but there's some comfort in knowing that you're not the only one. Remember, it's not your fault.

Listen my friend, About 16 months ago, I had a party at my place. I drank heavily during it and popped some pills. I was practically unconscious and a guy that I kind of knew, but not very well took advantage of me. It seemed more like a dream than reality. Being a man, I convinced myself that I wanted it. I never looked at as rape/sexual assault. Call it the alpha male in me. This of course, screwed up a possible long-term relationship with a girl I met after that attack. After the relationship ended, this guy ended up telling one my best friends at work, a girl, that he had had his way with me. This of course only drove me more over the edge. I allowed it to reinforce the negative images of myself that had been implanted by him. Severe panic attacks and thoughts of suicide ensued. It was only when she asked me about it did I start to open up. I still didn't want to admit to myself how I really felt, but the more I talked to her it dawned on her. She askedme, do you feel like you were raped? Finally I said yes. I'm in therapy now and it's going really well. It's tough I know, sex is supposed to be the way we connect to other people. When violence is used in the form of a sexual act it screws up a lot of things. Feelings that you're damaged goods, no one will love you, confusion over sexual identity, and ambivalence towards sex are all normal responses to an abnormal situation. Don't worry you're not in a boat all by yourself. As far as re-victimization, that's normal as well. Think about it. You're attacker made you feel like a piece of meat, devoid of a soul. It's not uncommon for people who have been sexually assaulted to freeze in any situation. It's the "I'll play dead syndrome." It's a defense/coping mechanism that allows you to survive. Get into therapy and I think that you'll find that there's answers to everything you've been going through. By the way, if you feel like you're going crazy you're not. Insane people don't know that they are. Rough estimates are that 1 out 4 females are raped and 1 out of 6 males are. That's only a guess because rape, especially male rape, is the most underreported crime in the United States. Take it easy, you're safe now. Check out link removed, it helped me out a lot. I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I don't cry two times a week or more. Remember, it's not your fault, it's not your fault.

Every relationship starts different from the last one. Everyone goes in with preconceived ideas of what they want and what they're looking for. Maybe she seems distant to you because of it. I've had relationships that we hit it off immediatley and others where it just progressed over time. No matter how it starts every relationship takes work and an open line of communication. From the sound of it, it seems she does care about you. It's never easy to say I love you. The fact she does says a lot and the fact she's with you says a lot as well. Don't look at the past, don't look at the future, look at the present. Check out the movie I mentioned, Chasing Amy. I think you'll really dig it.

I've been in the same situation that you're going through. Remember, she broke up with you and not you with her. She probably thinks that you'd jump at any chance to get back together. So stay with the n/c rule. She's the one with the power because it wasn't a mutual break-up. Meaning she thinks she has the power to decide if she wants to get back into a relationship with you. By getting a hold of her, you'll only reinforce that false sense of power she has over the relationship. Who would want to be in a relationship where things aren't mutually shared. Also, from personal experience, no contact works on different levels as well. It allows you to heal, but more importantly it allows you to regain your sense of self. It shows that you can move on with your life. Everyone wants to be seen as a choice, that someone has chosen to love them, instead of,"Well there's no one else around, so I guess I'll love him/her." She doesn't want that and neither do you. Now, I'm only speaking from experience. My ex-girlfriend moved away to finish college for two years. After the break-up, I stayed with the n/c rule. It worked like clockwork. Every couple months, bingo, email or phone call. I even got an email from her the day after Valentine's and I know she has a boyfriend. Do I love her, with all my heart. But I love her so much that I'm willing to look out for myself. To make myself a better person. You should do the same for yourself.

First of all, I want to say thank you so very much to everyone at enotalone. It makes me so happy that their is a site such as this. I've visited this website so many times, but have always failed to register. Why? Maybe because I wasn't ready to share the things that I've been going through over the course of the last year. Now, I'm ready. To anyone going through a depression. Please understand that sometimes the question you really need to ask yourself is the one you refuse to ask. This is due in part to the fact that we, as humans, always believe that we are in control. For me, I'd been asking myself all the wrong questions. My answers to them would always be no, which drove me even more over the edge. Panic attacks, thoughts of suicide. It wasn't until a friend asked me the the question I couldn't ask myself did everything finally make sense. She said, "This may sound weird, but the more you I hear you talk, the more you sound like my friend. I'm sorry to ask you this, but were you raped?" I didn't even have to question myself. Before she could even finish, I said yes. For the first time in over a year, my body became full of light and love again. Everything came into color. I broke down and cried. They were tears of happiness and relief. Even memories of the incident came back to me, things that I had blocked out came back into view. After I got off the phone with her, I found a site for male rape victims. Yes, males, even adult hetereosexual males can be the victims of sexual assault. I'd been researching so many other things before this, but none of it ever fully fit my description. On this site, every single and I mean every single thing I'd been going through did. My panic attacks have subsided. They're are still remants of them, but they've become so manageable because I can fully express myself. I do find it ironic that I first came to this site for completely different reasons. My girlfriend had broken up with me. The relationship was great. The sex fantastic for both us, but my feelings over what had happened in my life haunted me. I was only looking to find information on how to deal with a break up. She had told me that she didn't think I believed in love. Which of course I do, because I love her so deeply. I think in the back of my mind I felt that she would find out and reject me. As a man, we are always supposed to be in control. For me to admit that, I probably felt that I would be less of a man. Of course, her breaking up with me only reinforced my self-fulfilling prophecy. For everyone out there that took the time to read this. Sometimes we are not in control. Sometimes we are really are the victim. As soon as you are able to realize this, you can truly start to heal. Remember, when you're depressed the first thing you're going to do is cut yourself off from everyone and probably get into self destructive behavior, such as drinking heavily. Don't do it. It's a quick fix and only worsens the problem. When you start to talk about it, you'll be amazed to find how many people have been through or either know someone who has gone through a similar situation as yours. I know this may sound kind of cheesy, but you really aren't alone. The healing process for me could probably take a long time. I'm not sure though. I do finally have enough courage to seek therapy. I think that now what I'm suffering the most from would be considered or would fall under, post-traumatic stess syndrome. I hope this post helped someone in need or opened someone's eyes. Thanks to everyone on this site, for sharing whatever problems they're going through. It takes a lot of courage to do so, no matter how big or small the problem may seem to someone else.