AnotherChick

...but you have to let it go. Writing the letter will not hurt anything. However, I can't say I see how it will help anything either. You stated early on that this position was one you were interested in during a transitioning period. thereforeeee, consider yourself transitioned. I have been in your exact situation already. The cause was not because of a discussion about money, but I was let go unjustly for no reason. This was the beginning of a tough perioud personally, but the stepping stone into a great professional experience at a major corporation. My advice is to rely on the phrase, "when one door shuts, another window opens." Find the window, go through it. Don't look back and allow yourself to heal from this. Good luck to you!

My situation is interesting I think. I'm not sure if anyone else could say that they have been here before, but I'm excited to find out if I am wrong about that assumption. Facts/back story One year ago, a VP within my organization approached me and said "...I told our GM that I would like to be your mentor. You strike me as a person who we will see great things from." Needless to say, I think very highly of this individual and I was truly honored. In fact, I gushed about how honored I was. The last 3 months, my organization has gone through tremendous change. This left me with new management who had no idea who I was or what I was capable of since my new projects were much lower profile and loosing money. Rather than feeling sorry for myself, I hatched a plan that was a win for me and a win for the company. I took the high road. This week, the VP who offered to be my mentor nominated me for an award. It was very prestegious, and it gave me a noteriety boost because it brought into light my accomplishments over the last 4 years. Today, when sharing with a trusted co-worker that I earned this award and the VP that nominated me, there was shock in the sales person's voice. The sales person asked "why? what did you do for the VP to nominate you, because I have had to defend you to this VP on a couple of occaisions. My dilemma I can't let this VP's conflicting beliefs in my skills go. The sales individual really should not have shared, and although I do not believe there is malice on the sales person's part, I am now questioning my support system. Meanwhile, do I really care? I have received the award IN ADDITION to some very recent personal accomplishments I have had with my new management. I will stay on the path I defined for myself, when I believed my new management had no idea what I was capabile of by continuing to focus on my goals and objectives. Where I could use your help Still, this strange set of events has my mind churning on "why?". Why would my mentor (the VP) speak negatively about me and "why?" would the sales person share? Any thoughts, opinions, comments are appreciated. I need some help either wrapping my mind around these questions or help simply shutting these questions off.

First, I have to say that your statements spoke to your personal situation and did not come accross to me as "generalizing women". So, no worries there. So with that said, you seem to have found 3 female half wit's in a row. I am truly sorry for that. To echo some of the earlier statements, "I want to see what else is out there" is irresponsible. It is also disrespectful to you. So your feelings of disrespect are warranted. It is easy to feel like after finding 3 of these individuals in a row, that all women will behave that way. There are many of us out there who don't, yet have lived the same situation you described with men. So here is some advice. Try to remind yourself that this behavior is not limited to the female gender, it is truly a people thing. Disrespectful and thoughtless people to be specific. They live everywhere in all forms. Second piece of advice. Keep trying. Look for signals and patters in the women you pursue. Be up front that you're not interested in entertaining someone until something else comes along. A relationship can not work out for many reasons and "I want to see whatelse is out there", can simply be an excuse. A quirky suggestion: do an exit interview with these 3 women. Just because. If you're up to the task, look them in the eye and find out what else they thought they would find out there and what might have drove them to look. I hope all of this was insightful and helpful. I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your future relationships.

Well, I thought I would close the loop on this topic. I was geared up and ready to go into her office and discuss boundaries as suggested in the earlier post. Prior to our one on one meeting, there was a team meeting, where my boss announced she was resigning. So, I think there may have been a lot of things going on with her once I heard her story about the interview process she was engaged in for her new company. Not that I do not have some ownership in the miscommunicating arena, she was clearly not tuned into her environement for good reasons. I'm happy for her and her new opportunity. I can also say that I'm please that my immediate stressor has been relieved. Now, I have to prepare myself for a new supervisor...and start this relationship building cycle all over again. Wooo Hooo!

Of course this is all from my perspective, but I will do my best to recap the situation impartially in order to get good advice. I really mean it when I say I want to do the right thing. Initially I was so happy with my boss. It took me awhile, but eventually she convinced me she was interested in making the work environment fun and creating a cohesive team. Now, I still believe that she wants a cohesive team, but now I feel like I'm an outsider. The facts: She has been traveling a lot. I have been left to manage my projects without her intervention. This is not a problem for me personally. I understand the company heiarchy and the boundaries. thereforeeee I feel confident that I know when to include her. Due to our fewer face to face conversations, there is a tendency to "blast" information at each other in lieu of time. Her communications to me have been that I need to not be speaking with individuals 1-2 levels above her. She is not interested or swayed when I state that I was specifically tasked to have these interactions, thereforeeee I delegated where I could and included her when I could not avoid it. She has recently stated I "inserted myself" into a situation where our COO delegated to me. I was able to offload 3 of the 4 tasks, with the guidance of my boss, however, the 4th one I could not offload. It was this task where I was accused of "inserting myself". Meanwhile, I agree with her trying to keep me out of topics, projects that are not mine, in order to manage our work queue. My problem I feel crippled to interact with the people I need to, for fear of offending or creating an issue for my boss. I've never felt unconfident in my performance. Now I feel unconfident because I simply do not know if my good job is going to be overshadowed by somone's perception of my intentions. I am struggling with wheather or not it is her issue or mine. My gut says her issue, I'm interested in other's opinions and advice to relieve the tension between her and myself.

I've always considered myself a comunicator. However I just feel like I talk to much, leaving myself open for people's insults or opinions. Especially at work. I continually just feel like I should close myself off and be task oriented. I mean, who really goes to work to make friends. It's nice, but not the point. On the otherhand, that just seems so cold and dull. But possibly the only option since I feel my competence is increasingly questioned by people who are working with me for the first time. People who have worked with me for quite awhile see me as a star performer. However, I can't seem to win these "doubters" over and as petty and stupid as it sounds, it just seems like they can attack me because I'm too nice and open. Like an easy target. I'm not a paranoid person, but I just feel like I need to acknowledge this and do something. I'm not sure what "something" it is that I should do. Can anyone identify with what I'm saying and/or give advice?

I got caught up on your situation. If this is the first time you've been through this, then rather than focusing on your ex in this post, I just want to take a moment to focus on you. You mentioned in an earlier posting that you had always been the guy with no emotions, whether by friends or your own admission. My guess is that since this is your first time getting into the "emotional weeds" what you don't understand, or no one has shared with you is that these feelings, thoughts and rationalizations are normal. Not fun, and can be unhealthy, but normal. I really hope that you have been working with your doctor and/or counselor to get through all of this. Whether or not your ex comes back, you will still need to learn to cope with all of these feelings. If your ex does not come back, this experience will make you realize what you want and need from another person to be successful the next time. If she does come back, you will know how to make it better between you two. In either case, the point is not to focus on your ex. She's gone right now. That's the here and now. You need to continue to deal with that reality. Another suggestion is to keep your focus on this reality rather than your hopes for tomorrow. Tomorrow will come no matter what you do and there is no point in worrying about it. This situation will progress no matter what, you can't control it and you absolutely can't worry about it. You are absolutely right to care about anyone! What you may have overlooked is to care for yourself first. When you find yourself thinking about your ex, force yourself to think about what caused you to reflect on her, why you are doing it, and where it is getting you? Usually you will find the "what" is just lack of memories about a particular thing or place, the "why" is simply because you are letting yourself or have nothing else better to do, and the "where" is nowhere! That is pretty much the case for anything that worries you. In this case, it seems to apply heavily to your experience with your ex. In short, you are allowing yourself to worry about this. Keep going out. Start excersizing, take a vacation, pick up a hobby, keep doing stuff! Just don't allow yourself to focus on the what or the why and when you are focused on those, remind yourself it is getting you no where! Back to the stuff about your ex, I really think the point is moot. She has shared with you her decision. It may be short sighted, but that is all the more reason for you to embrace it. She has a lot of growing up and learning to do. It's not your task to help her or try to do that for her. I really hope this helps. I don't mean to sound preachy. Just hang in there! Keep posting, I'm sure it helps to get it out of your head. This is a great place to do it.

I appreciate your responses. She is tough for me to deal with. However I have tried to gently remind her that she can make these decisions. The tough part is that she is very manipulative, so if I open the door in one area, she will try to take an inch in all areas. It's more difficult for me to only let her in some of the way and keep her at bay, than to just keep her out. (If that makes sense) She just drains me. Anyhow, I do appreciate your response.

Take a moment to breathe. First thing first, take care of you. If this feels like too much for you to handle, then it is. If you are losing sleep, then that is a very good clue that this is just tearing you up. I know that you want resolution, but you really must take care of yourself above all else. Tomorrow is Tuesday. Get some sleep. Tell yourself you will wake up in the morning and decide how you feel. If you are up for it, then you will call her. If you are not, then you won't. Besides until you are sitting right there in front of her, nothing is final. You can hesitate and change your mind all that you need to. Even if you are in front of her and things are too intense, you can also leave. Nothing is holding you to this situation or this person but you. My point is not that you need to be cruel, but you need to be concerned about your own health and well-being. So again, take a deep breath, close your eyes and go to sleep. Wake up tomorrow and just goes with what feels right. Any decision you make will be the right one! -AC

Hello Belle! I read through the posts. I think your letting him take the lead is a great idea, and it sounds like you have done quite well keeping busy. I know it's tough, but you sound really positive, so I just wanted to take a moment to say "Great Job!" and "Hang tough!". I think you are on the right track to taking care of you. Really, that is the most important thing.

Maybe I'm dense. I don't really understand the question. Taking a stab anyway, if a woman is checking you out and you want her to. That is a good thing. I've observed that when a woman doesn't know what she wants, she's waiting for some wave of emotion about something to answer her questions. So, if she checks you out long enough, she will figure out she wants you. Then, lucky you!

I would recommend not overreacting by breaking up. If her not being interested in sex is the only issue between you two, then you are in a better place than many. Has she gained weight lately? Maybe started taking anti-depressants? Maybe just try chilling out about the sex part. Get out, be social, try new activities. Try working out together, like tennis, hiking, jogging, biking, or something that will just get your heads out of the sex part for awhile. Focus on eachother, and that may work out. Girls obviously don't work like guys do. Sex is one of those things we have to be mentally into. Foreplay almost has to begin by just being considerate while doing household chores, rather than the typical bedroom stuff. Plus diet and exercise (or lack there of) can really influence our sex drives. I guess to sum it up, I wouldn't force a break up. I'd chill out about the sex part and give her some time. On a personal note, when my boyfriend of 4 years continually harped about my lack of interested, it simply drove us a part when there was really nothing else wrong.

Hello, I don't think you created too much of a catastorphe. Since you're already in contact and he is happy to see you sometimes. Maybe just send him an email, or give him an "up beat" call. You mentioned a death in the family, so just spin it as you know he has a lot on his mind to deal with and maybe you weren't as ready as you thought you were to hang out. But that you're still there if he needs someone. Possible example: "Hey, it's been nice talking to you. However, meeting up with you was more tough than I expected and you have many things you need to deal with. I want you to have some time and space to deal with stuff. Please call me if you need to talk, take care." Of course "no contact" starts all over again, but you've managed your faux pas with finesse.

Unfortuantely at this point it is just a "wait and see" game. I assume you've tried calling her back. I hope you are able to connect and everything goes alright. Try to relax and not let it bug you.

Wow Sli! That is a really interesting and cool way to put it. I think you are on to something. Tere, you are being stalked. Seriously. That's a post all by its self. Be careful of this guy.