zakky

Screw you.

DAY FOUR - Following the text I sent, she didn't reply so I called and we had an okay conversation. I called later as well and asked her if she would get back together and she said no. She was flippant and cold (see my thread entitled why you need NC to protect yourself). I'm back to day one, not only on this challenge but with my feelings. Crushed and absolutely devastated. And, day one tomorrow begins. So So frustrated with my actions and progress was improving but tonight has made me even more determined to go no contact indefinitely.

DAY FOUR - FAIL. REVERT TO DAY ONE AGAIN. Okay so yesterday went okay. I went to the gym, went to see my parents, started to do a little work at home and was generally feeling not so bad. In the evening I volunteered to be in the Samaritans, something I have been interested in doing. I got up this morning, came online and read a thread that had been posted from the view of the dumper, and in it it had said that the dumper would think that the dumpee was a psycho and couldn't handle the fact they had been dumped if they go complete NC. That played on my mind as she had text me on day 2 asking if i wanted to take the spa day I had bought her instead of her. It really bothered me for some reason that someone would think I couldn't handle the situation. It just really did. I went for a really positive run and cleared my mind and felt good about myself. I am planning to go help my friend lift some bricks and build something in his garden later. So, I got back from the run and out of nowhere, BAM, I felt totally in control, totally able to handle contact my ex! So, I compiled a text reply and as i sent it changed my mind, and deleted it. Then ten mins later I compiled it again. It was only a basic reply saying to either take the gift yourself or give it away and I didn't ask anything that would warrant a reply. It was just friendly. She hasn't replied anyway and that in itself hurts. But man, that has took me back. Keep checking the phone and now i'm starting to think about initiating contact again. This weekend I am on my own as all my friends are busy so its gonna be difficult. What an idiot! It was so weird as was feeling so strong and then out of nowhere I just go and do that. PS. I had a text from my old ex girlfriend yesterday and we are speaking tonight. She is in another country and it will be nice to speak to her. Grrrr, I am so annoyed with myself after such great progress I felt in the last couple of days.

DAY THREE So, I didn't contact her yesterday and went to sleep but had more vivid dreams. She still was the first thing I thought of when I woke and I checked my phone for any texts hoping there was one when I woke up. I feel kind of empty and have this feeling in my stomach that makes me feel sick. But I feel a little calmer right now and TBH this forum has literally been a life saver and I am just taking things day by day. This weekend is gonna be tough as I am on my own all weekend (as friends are busy) and I know she is out on the town with her friends as its been arranged for ages. I'm starting to miss the contact I think and the friendship now. Maybe thats a good sign. Yesterday night I watched a Paul McKenna video about only thinking of the negative sides of her, and to be honest I realised there were some. I know (the person she is) that because I didn't respond to her message yesterday that she will not reply. I got a text this morning from my previous ex who lives in another country. I had a tough break up with her many years ago but the fact we are very good friends and I don't feel any pain with her gives me hope for this. I keep remembering that I was fine before her and so I can be fine again. I just need to keep focusing on me and my life and realising that no one person will ever 'complete you'. I hope today is okay for me and a step closer to healing.

DAY 2 - CONTINUED So, she text me this morning on day 2 with a formal text. It just said hope you are okay? then went on to say that the spa day I had booked her for next week before we broke up was not something she felt she could take anymore. Did i want to take it or did one of my friends? I think not. I went to the gym this morning and whilst there was just thinking what is the point of this. I finished the session though. I came home, lay in bed and generally moped again all day like a loser. I have felt completely gutted all day but have ignored her message. I went for a walk this evening to clear my head and tonight decided to book a day out go-karting for me and 3 friends for some day this summer. Need to start focusing on the future. I really need to get my life back on track and quick. The text really confirmed the facts. That she is gone and is tying up loose ends. The fact she rejects the present is just like a double rejection. I feel a bit calmer tonight than all day but I miss her and want her to call me and say it was a mistake. I actually feel bad ignoring her text but any contact right now is not good for me. I need to rebuild.

Everything you said to me was a lie wasn't it. You never had any real desire to make it forever and when push came to shove you bailed. You think that something is better around the corner but eventually you will realise that you had something special that you can't replace. Yes I'm angry because you hurt me so much. I know you don't care but part of me wants you to regret your decision every day of your life as you see me happier and happier as my life becomes wonderful without you. Yes i miss you and want to contact you but when I really think about it, why would I want someone like you in my life anyway who cannot commit to anything.

DAY TWO I woke up in the middle of the night last night and wanted to call her but didn't. Somehow I deep down expected her to contact me yesterday or at least send a text to see how I was. I had bad dreams last night, I say bad because in the dreams we were happy which was crap when I woke up. Its half eight am and I just did some meditation to clear my head. I have this week off work so I am going to get up and go to the gym taking a wide birth of anywhere near her house. I stayed in bed all day yesterday like a loser so won't be doing that again. I feel really angry with her today for just giving up and being so cold. I'm really really finding it difficult not to contact. Its going to be a long day and hope I can make it though the NC. Any encouragement right now would be very very welcome!

DAY ONE Right, I saw her yesterday morning last so today is officially day one of no contact. I've checked my phone a million times today, not got out of bed and felt like the biggest loser in the universe, but tomorrow is going to be a better day. I've been so close to contacting her and only this forum has saved me. I've been glued to it today as it helps. I've even contacted my previous ex (not the recent one) by text message just to try and prove to myself that you can get over these things (as I never thought I would have gotten over her a long time ago). I am still expecting my ex to contact me but having read up on here I know thats just false hope. I won't be hearing from her again. I will keep all posted.

I really want to tell you that I miss everything about you. We had the best shot ever of making things work and you just gave up on things. I am sure you will be happy in your new life but treating me in the cold manner that you have hurt so much. All of the dreams we spoke about and you just give up on them. You were in my dreams last night and were the first thing i thought of this morning when I woke at six thirty. Its been a year since I haven"t at least heard from you once a day and i miss that already. God knows how I will make it through this day without wanting to speak to you or hear from you but i will try and keep busy.