myheadvsheart

I've worked out 5 days this week and focusing on myself and my goals again. Today was tough because I felt so insecure about my looks and your lack of affection before we split. I couldn't handle your dismissing me and shutting me down and apologizing. I'll never understand why it's easier for you to tell that company "thanks but no thanks" and brag to me about being recommended; but it was so hard to be honest with me. It hurts, because for my best attempts to give you an out, you refused to take it and said it was stress. I'd flirt with you and you would not reciprocate it hurt every time you did it. So when you tell me you want to be a friend - I remember that you did not think well enough of me to tell me the truth, you'd rather avoid it and let me humiliate myself making romantic overtures toward you that toward the end you clearly didn't want. So I know when you say you miss me - you are fishing for platonic attention. Yet with platonic topics you shut me down and say you don't feeling talking, so I'm at a loss as to what you mean by missing me. Whatever for? Why you say it - I don't care any more, it's none of my business and I hope soon, that it won't upset me knowing you were okay with mistreating me the way you did - because you feel justified trivializing my life, because you cannot stop over-commiting in yours. This last week was difficult and I'm hoping I stop caring about you soon, why should I care for someone that makes it clear by his actions that he did NOT care about me?

I was doing great. until about 2 minutes ago. try again tomorrow.

Edited. meh.

Got sunglasses for my flight back home - they had a deal on them, buy one get one pair free. I didn't need another thing to carry - so I just took the one. They were big and gaudy - but enough to cover my eyes, if I felt like I might cry - my eyes were covered. I miss you as of late, but I realize that I am missing the promise of you delivering, reciprocating affection. You are respecting my boundaries and not contacting me. I hope it's because you respect my boundaries. Lately I think about you intimately and I hope it's not something you are sharing with someone else, but I suppose it's inevitable and none of my business. You'll laugh a friend has this stuffed animal in the shape of an elephant and I look at it's trunk and think of you. Corny, I know. I wish things were different for us. I deserve better, I tell myself every day. Missing you, but it will get easier, I am resolved every day when I doubt myself. I can't bring myself to say I love you, I miss touching you, but I wanted to feel cherished and loved by you and that alienation is something I want to feel again.

I have to say I am surprised you are respecting my wishes and leaving me alone. Surprised enough to wonder what your thoughts are about me now, if I'm even a blip on your radar. Probably not. For the life of me I cannot understand why the last three days that I am preoccupied wondering what you think now. It's just hurting me. I hate that I ever met you because this is not what I wanted. I hate that you mistreated me and that I was not worth more consideration and effort from you. I hate that it took so little to get my attention, but a lifetime for me to have yours. I miss you and I'm angry that I am feeling this setback the last three days. I want to be over you and I don't wish you well.

Well when I don't get enough sleep it affects my emotional state the next day. I had a hard time not thinking about you. I felt unattractive all day today, I felt your rejecton all day today. I closed my eyes and tried hard to keep my tears away when I sat on the plane. A few slipped out, but no one noticed. I slept somewhat and I thought about you. I realized who "recommended" you - the same person that is always inappropriately feeding your vanity. How could you not know that? All these years later? No, it was someone from your recent past, trying to get your attention and undermining me. I worried that your past and your professional life will collide if not already. I was upset you gave that offer attention and a clear "no thanks" but with me, someone you claimed to care about, you were too tired, too underwater and couldn't think clearly. Seriously, it's easier to talk to them than me? I had some time to kill before I checked in to my hotel, so I picked a random hair salon and they could take me. It was a guy's first day and he was telling me that he normally does hair in entertainment movie and tv sets. He was gay but we got a long and he even gave me his card with his home number if I wanted to find the good restaurants in town. No attraction at all, but it was nice to chat someone up and make a friend. Yes, I still thought about you and I'm upset that after almost a month of being clear and focused about my life without you, that I am reliving your alienation of affection again. I have a mixer to go to and I want to compose myself before I say hello. I am glad you've left me alone like I asked, but there's a part of me that is really hating that you respected my wishes because it means that you just want my friendship.

I need to get to sleep. I'm still packing for tomorrow however. When I don't sleep well, historically, I start stress out more. I think it's the case here, because I'm upset remembering when you started pulling away from me and denied it for months, hiding behind your problems, blaming me as insensitive, meanwhile you shut me down. I teared up today for the first time in weeks and even caught myself feeling jealous that you may already be intimate with someone else. I wasn't thinking like this at all - until today. I resent you so much for all of this, because I had not felt excited about someone like that in a long time. It gave me hope and I thought of a future with you, I thought of us loving one another and all of it. I'm going to try to sleep and chalk it up that even I can have setbacks as I move forward. I will move forward and I don't need to be in contact to do so.

I miss kissing you.

Yes, I miss you too. I still don't want your friendship.

I know that moving on is the right choice for me, even though I feel heartbroken. I cannot go back to casual friends, when I've seen your face up close in intimate moments. How can I pretend that we're just platonic friends, because you want to relinquish romantic feelings? It's been three weeks NC since I last said if you really believe what you tell me that I deserve better and you want to be a friend, then wish me well, you don't have to stay in contact with me to do that. Finally you get it, we can part ways. When you said that you missed me, my ego was satisfied for a nanosecond, but it made me so angry. You made the choice, to miss me. You miss me and??? You make the choice to spend every god-damn weekend doing another activity. Then you lament how underwater you are the rest of the week. You don't care about me. You don't respect my time. You play the victim as though you cannot win and your manipulation backfired. I said, fine, you're right, I do deserve better. So weeks later, saying you "guess" I don't feel like talking and saying you miss me just makes me angry because you never reciprocated the same effort that I put in to this. You're missing my accommodating nature - you miss that arrangement? I don't want you to miss that. You will never see that person again. Leave me alone - don't contact me until you have your life together and are willing to consider my needs aside of yours.

What he said.

sending something out there to ask the universe to help us both move on.

Right now, I am missing you awful, it's a facade that I'm missing, but in this moment, I do miss you.

Sometimes, I miss you too, but now I don't have any confidence that kissing was something you wanted to do me or something you felt obligated to do. What exactly am I missing now, a facade? I do miss you and today I was moving on from you and now at night, it's tough...I had hopes for us. I gave you a chance regardless of your constraints and I tried, I really did.

Today, I'm struggling. I write off a rant to take you to task on your misbehavior and attitude of indifference. I write them on a note pad and edit them and then I delete them. Right now I'm just struggling with the lack of affection at the end. Remember when we couldn't wait to see one another, when you traveled, even then you had to webcam to see me online. I miss you so much and it hurts that you did not make time for me. It hurts when you pulled away and it hurts that you can tell me you miss me, but I know that it means you just feel guilty and want my absolution. I cannot give it. Why did you handle it this way? We're adults, you didn't have to do it this way. I hate you so much for what you've done, that you can act so cavalier toward me after being intimate with me. Don't burden me with your empty sentiments. I have to start ALL over again, be vulnerable and try letting someone in my life and learning to trust them again. I even cried today and I had not done that in weeks. I hope you feel conflicted and are second-guessing yourself.