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  1. Jealous = insecure. She's obsessed with you. I'm sure she cares for you a great deal but it doesn't sound like love. Just obsession. Clingy and insecure. When it's love you really do know it.
  2. Blender points out some great red flags. When looking for a partner always remember to take them as you see them. Never go into a relationship thinking, "Oh, I don't like this thing they do, but they'll change/grow up." Because they won't. You have to be interested in the same things, get the same things. My ex was into sports and music and that's it. That's it. That's not enough for me, by any means. You're always weighing the pros and cons. Some day one side is going to weigh more than the other. In your gut you will know the answer. The key is being able to listen to it. I personally think people should date for 2 years or longer before thinking about getting married. My ex asked me what kind of engagement ring I wanted an I was surprised by the fact that it made me feel anxious, not excited. I loved this man, why would I feel that way? But I knew deep down that this wasn't right. When I looked at us, thought about us a team, thought about it as us against the world, it didn't work. I needed too much that I wasn't getting from him. Marriage and partnership go far beyond feelings of love. So many people jump into marriage or live in denial about the huge differences between them and their partner, get comfortable and clingy, and end up very unhappy in the end. Take your time and listen to your gut. Your gut will never steer you wrong. Promise.
  3. Very good and simple advice. I AM running the gammet of feelings from missing him, being lonely, angry, heartbroken, smitten, regretful, nostalgic, indifferent.... it's something else. One minute I'm sick to my stomach having let him continue to talk to me after it was absolutley neccesary, and the next I'm feeling nostalgic and want to send him the gifts I had picked up all summer to give him. I foolishly thought that wanting this to end would make it easier. Hahaha. Returning or giving away the gifts I have collected for him is going to be really hard. Harder than I realize. It would be so much easier to send them to him, but I know I shouldn't. We need to cut ties for now. Maybe forever. My jury is still out on the ability to be friends with an ex. Many variables. Right now I don't want to make some kind of mistake and perpatuate unhealthiness out of loneliness. It's hard when we frequent the same tight knit online bulletin boards and I'm still in close contact with our friends. Hard habits to break or ease up on. Saying something to him about no contact will be hard and I'm sure won't go over well. I don't look forward to it, but will work on finding a way to do it.
  4. Thank you all so much for your observations and your input. I truly appreciate it. I feel much more confident and less spiralling out of control. Sometimes I get too close to the forest to see the trees. Thank you all for pulling me back. I'll be coming back to your posts often to keep myself on track. We officially broke up at the end of September. He does have a habit of IMing me, especially when she wasn't speaking to him or he couldn't get attention from anyone else. I kept open communication with him as he had three boxes of my things that I had missed during my move to send me. He told me he couldn't afford to send them to me when come to find out he could send them from work for free all along. Nice. But I digress. I FINALLY got my boxes. When he does IM me I respond as simply as possible, try to keep to one word answers. I wonder if I should block in on IM, stop signing on, stop responding....I will NOT be the surrogate girlfriend in his codependent world. I'm also very angry at being decieved for so long, whether it was intentional or not. I'm really not quite sure how to handle communication. Say something to him, tell him off, just ignore him, block him, keep doing what I've been doing.....I can't quite figure out what is the best thing to do.
  5. My ex, whom I broke up with, moved on to the woman I knew he had a crush on for the last year and a half of our relationship. Two weeks into officially dating, she dumped him. He is beyond torn up about it and it makes ME feel like crap. I'm jealous of the fact that he wasn't that broken up over me. We dated for three years, lived together for 9 months. Nine months to a year into our relationship I started feeling like we might not be right for each other. Different goals, different wants, different intellectual needs, different interests. I am 28, he is 29. This was my second and longest relationship, this was his longest relationship but he's no stranger to dating. I tried to put our differences aside, see them as great things not obstacals and thought, very foolishy, that one day he would wake up and get it. That one day he would grow up. Of course, this never happened. I wanted to move back to my home state and for him to come with me. He said no. I decided to try and make things work in the state we were in, second guessed myself, wanted to make it work. He devloped a crush on a friend of ours. I knew it in my gut and it made me sick. I watched the way they looked at each other at the bar, watched him buy her beer and not offer to buy me anything. And instead of leaving him, we moved in together. He assured me he had no interest in her. My gut knew better. I thought I was being an adult by trying to look past what I saw as just a normal human crush, and he repeatedly denied any kind of interest. I never bought it. I developed a crush on a friend of ours and in doing so realized everything that was missing in my relationship with my boyfriend. It finally clicked in my head. He confronted me about this crush and I was honest. I also told him that the things I was attracted to were things I wanted from him, things I had told him before that I wanted from him, like to talk to me about something aside from sports or music. Nothing ever changed. Things started to deteriorate. I wanted us to work but he wouldn't meet me half way. And I felt like I was settling. I moved back to my home state this summer. Our relationship did not end when I left, like it should have. We were both cowards. It ended three months later. During that three months he started sleeping with his crush, unbeknownst to me. I finally broke up with him and they stopped hiding the fact that they were seeing each other. Two weeks later she dumped him and went back to her ex whom she had been cheating on all summer as well. He tried like hell to win her back. I found out through our friends that he was indeed very, very into this girl for the last year and a half of our relationship, pushed her into dating someone so he would "stop thinking about her all the time", would meet up with her after band practice at a bar and hang out, and that nothing ever physically happened but at the same time "everything was happening." Instead of breaking up with me to be with her, he moved in with me. Had asked me what kind of engagement ring I wanted, talked about our wedding, and so on. And all the while he wanted to be with her. I feel like I have been sideswiped. Yes, I was done with the relationship. I knew we weren't right for each other, that this was not the best match. So why does it hurt so much to know he didn't want to be with me either? He made me feel like he thought our relationship was great and that I was the only one who had a problem. He told me that, in fact. Made me feel guilty about leaving. Made everything out to be my fault. Looking back it seems like he was purposely difficult with me to GET me to leave. I tried so hard to get to know him, to reach out to him, to make us work and he stonewalled me. I feel betrayed, lied to, lead on, played for a fool. What is so great about this girl? It makes me feel like I wasn't worth fighting for, that he doesn't and never did miss me, that I didn't mean much of anything to him. I also feel like it shouldn't matter as we're not right for each other! I wanted to leave! I DID leave! So why is this kicking me in the * * *? I'm back home with my parents, still looking for a job, I'm lonely and have too much time on my hands and am depressed. I left HIM. I don't want to feel this way anymore. Is this normal? Am I losing it? I don't want this to take me down.
  6. I enjoy music, but not to the life altering degree that he does. He's in a local band. I attend all their shows. They're really good. He's been to my plays, I've taken him to friends plays. He'll go, but he's not interested. Doesn't have much to say about anything. I've watched all his football and baseball games with him. I don't hate it, it's just not my favorite thing and I'll never be as pasionate about it as he is. I don't think he understands that. He's pasionate to the point of obsession. He's an independent, I'm a democrat. He won't talk about where he stand on religion...I know he's a recovering Catholic. I asked him his opinion on abortion and he just got angry. I asked him if he thought there was life on other planets. He said no. And that was that. I have to interrogate him to get an answer beyond one word. No, he's not open. Can I be with someone who is that closed off? Is the fact that we both like music and some of the same movies enough? Am I just selfish and self centered and can't see anything else but me?
  7. He is one year older than me. The smaller one? I'm not sure I udnerstand.
  8. Honestly, I didn't notice. We were silly and had fun together. I was still rebounding when we got together. We were friends before. I think I was just enraptured with being with someone again, and shopping together and watching tv and movies, going places, hanging out with friends, watching bands. It took me a long time, unfortunately, to realize we weren't really talking to each other above superficial things. He's adorable and funny and witty, but can be very condecending and quick to get angry. And stay angry. He's right and I'm wrong. Things bothered me but I thought I was tkaing them too seriously, or that it was a once time incident, or that talking to him would change things. Things don't seem to have changed.
  9. I have been living with my boyfriend of 2.5 years for six months now. I have decided to move back to my home state. I am miserable here and have been for a long time. He has a great thing going for him here and doesn't want to move. The only reason I stayed so long here was because of him. I thought I could enjoy it here and make it work for me. I was wrong. My opportunities are back home. I never intended to live in this state forever and he knew that. Still it was something we apparently glossed over or figured would somehow change on it's own, or just simply ignored. Or maybe six months ago when I suggested that WE move and he said no, I should have walked away. I feel we are not the most compatible couple. He's not a talker. He's not interested in ideas and discussions. His interests are sports and music. He doesn't want to travel, is an extreemly picky eater, doesn't like pets. He is not close to anyone in his family, any of his friends, or me. An air force brat, he moved constantly growing up and I understand that makes it hard to get close to people. He is who he is and that won't change, and I can't ask him to change. I tried to tell him last night that I don't think we're the best match. That there is nothing wrong with him and there's nothing wrong with not being into ideas and there's nothing wrong with only being interested in sports and music, but that it's not the best match for me. He tells me that just because he's not an open person doesn't make that right and that he should change that....I can see him making the effort, but it just not sticking because it's not who he is. Or maybe he really could learn to change. Am I just taking this relationship for granted? I have been unhappy in this relationship for well over a year, and probably longer. I am so afraid to walk away from him. So afraid to say goodbye, to end it, that I'm trying to think of ways it would work. Ultimately, he doesn't want to live there and I don't want to live here. Where does that leave us? He loves me. He threw me a surprise 80s birthday party. He baked me a cake for my birthday. He has taken me on lovely little weekend trips. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He makes me dinner. We have fun together and play off each other very well, and our friends think we're the perfect couple. But I have a very hard time relating to him, talking to him at all, I don't know what we have in common as his interests are sports and music. I can't talk about plays or writing or ideas or things that make me excited. He seems to be overly critical and finds some fault with absolutely everything. And I can't live here anymore. And my need to move has nothing to do with him and he knows that. I just don't know how to settle my heart. To decide what is best for us both and go with that. And not be sidetracked. I keep second guessing myself. I don't know what to do about him. I wanted to be strong. And now I feel wishy washy. I don't want to make a mistake, I don't want to take him for granted, I don't want to regret breaking up with him. But I know I'll get lonely and I then I will regret it. And then I'll beat myself up over it and I don't want to do that again. Ever again. I am suddenly terrified of being alone. Do I expect too much from him? Or am I being my mom and settling? My sister said no guy has ever baked her a cake. Mom keeps bringing up how he took me on those lovely little trips. And all I can think is, so I should marry him? Yes, those are wonderful things, and I might never again meet a man who would do those things for me. I know how emotionally dead inside I have felt for so long...I'd like to believe it would change....but people don't change. They may turn around for a while, but they are who they are. Should I give the long distance a chance or end it now? I am so scared. I don't want to be scared, I want to be strong. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to lose my mind again. I want us both to be happy. He's not a bad person. He can be very affectionate and loving and does wonderful things for me. I'm not looking for perfection, but shouldn't a couple have more in common? I feel like an * * *. What the hell is wrong with me?!
  10. I'm going to suggest "Chasing Amy." It doesn't have the typical movie ending, it has a real life ending. "Serindipity" was cute, and either hopeful or depressing, depending on your mood. Anything with John Cusack has got to be good. "Love Actually" was just brilliant. Rent it. My boyfriend even liked it. "Sliding Doors" with Gwynth Paltrow. Very interesting look at the direction our lives can take. "While You Were Sleeping". Very funny, very cute, about the things and people we don't see right under our noses. I also second High Fidelity and Swingers. Brilliant flicks, both.
  11. Thank you so much, Annie. I needed to hear that. I've been in a tailspin. I love my boyfriend, but not in the way I've been so sure about with my ex, and with the first guy I fell in love with. I try to remember that everyone is different, that all elationships are different, and it is almost impossible for me to not compare them. I don't feel the way I expected to feel but then again, I'va had a lot of unrealistic expectations with regards to relationships. I have tried hard to learn from my past relationship and not make the same mistakes and so far, I have been successful. Honestly, I don't feel that deep down solid and undeniable connection with my boyfriend that I did with my ex. Maybe that's what first love is or does, maybe my hang up with my ex has factored into it, and maybe that's just the way it is. He's a wonderful man who does so much for me and loves me a great deal. I have worked hard at moving past this madness with my ex. Sometimes that big pot hole trips me up and send me down that dark tunnel. I'm trying to be really honest with myself and why we really broke up and stop trying to placate myself with nice sounding excuses. My boyfriend knows all about my trials and tribulations with my ex, as we were all friends, and decided to date me anyway. He's either a masochist or just really loves me. And when I think of what he's had to deal with as far as my bad moods and whatnot in the beginning of our relationship I feel like a jerk, too. I only see my ex at the band's shows, very once in a while at the bar. We're all in the same group of friends, on the same online bulliten board and the like. We're not actively speaking to each other right now, for whatever reason he suddenly became uncomfortable around me. If we had started off that way I can only wonder where we would be now. I'm sure the silence is best for both of us. I know he still cares and is concerned about me. Whether or not that can ever again be something more time will only tell. I'm not waiting for it. I guess with all the excuses I've come up with for why it was best to leave that relationship was my way of trying to forgive myself. I need to sit down and really be honest with myself and see if I can find any forgiveness in there. Thank you, again. I'm in a dark place right now and it means a lot to me.
  12. It wasn't one of us, it was both of us. I thought that's what I wanted. He could tell I was thinking of it. We had many, many talks in the time after our break up about whys and hows. He told me I had missed the window of opportunity to reconcile. He was never anything but sweet about it. And I cried and cried..and it was never about whether or not we loved each other. I'm just beating a dead horse. It's just that we tried to be friends and hang out and talk all the time and it only made me feel lead on because I wasn't over him and he knew I wasn't over him. I really thought I could win him back. The bigger problem is I still have thoughts like that. Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate them.
  13. He beat me to the punch by saying "I think it's best for you if we don't see each other right now." He made his call as well. Yes, I should have thought things over before I agreed to this, or ever even thought about it. It was my frist relationship and a LD one at that. 2 months after we broke up is when I came to him and told him how I had had unrealistic expectations and had learned and loved him. Love was never an issue for us. The reasons of his lack of ambition and so on are what I use now to try and help myself get over it. I ask myself if I could have been ok with all of that. And then I think that love is supposed to overcome things like that. 4 months after we broke up he found a new LD girlfriend. Right before this I had foolishly moved to his city in some vain attempt to win him back, to show him how wonderful it would be for us both to be in the same vicinity, to show him I had really changed. Over a year after we broke up is when I finally started dating someone else. And it rubbed him the wrong way. I know what a mistake it was to break up with him. It was really a mutual thing as he agreed to break up. Yes, I should have talked to him. I should have thought it through. I should have stopped. I should have realized how huge this would be. But I didn't. And I hate myself for it. I've tried to fix it and I can't. I don't know how to get past feeling like I made the biggest mistake, feeling like such a horrible person.
  14. Yes, I broke up with him. I never told him "You have no ambition". I encouraged him and supported him in every way I knew how. You can't make someone want more for themselves. This was my frist relationship and I had unrealistic expectations like love is all you need, love will make everything ok. We didn't have a really good, serious conversation until after we broke up. I felt a lot of pressure that I mostly put on myself. He was very serious about me and this was my first relationship. It was intimidating. The thing is it's been over two years since we broke up. But we only recently, about three months ago, stopped talking to each other. After we broke up he still IM'd me every day, would call me, ask me to hang out. And I wasn't strong enough to say no. All the while he had a new long distance girlfriend. I had tried many times to explain to him my new understanding of relationships, about the communication mistakes we had both made and every time he would say, "yes, I love you too, but..." I really believed I could win him back. And with his new girlfriend not living here at the time it was easy for that situation to be out of sight and out of mind. He lead me on a lot after we broke up and I read into everything that happened between us. He would have constant contact with me and then get angry with me because I wasn't over it. You just can't be good buddy friends right away. Or maybe ever. And he knew I wasn't over him. But that didn't stop him from contacting me all the time. I wanted to believe he wanted to be with me again. I've been seeing my current boyfriend for over a year now. But my ex is still there lingering in the back of my mind, or in front of me on stage. I'm beyond the point where it's ok to not go to my boyfriends show because my ex makes me uncomfortable. That would make my boyfriend feel all that secure. Three months into dating my new boyfriend, and the day before my ex fly out to help his new girlfriend move back to town, my ex told me he was still in love with me. "I'm in love with two womne, I'm confused." Well, you're getting on a plane tomorrow, you don't look all that confused. That didn't help me. 6 months later he starts acting very uncomfortable around me, 6 months after that we'e no longer speaking. And nothign specific brought this on. He is either doing what he thinks is best for me, what's best for him, seeing my relationship with my new boyfriend lasting longer than 6 months bothers him somehow, or it's the fact that his new girlfriend doesn't like me and sees me as a threat. I don't know. All I know is I miss him and our relationship. Im ade myself look unbelievably pathetic in trying to win him back. "You're still the same vibrant, beautiful, vivacious, incredible woman I fell in love with." So why don't you want to be with me anymore?! My mistake was not talking about little things that bugged me, little things that I wasn't sure about. My mistake was putting so much pressure on myself and taking things far, far too seriously. My mistake was not having patience with myself or with him. My mistake was living in a fantasy world and not reality. And when I woke up from my dream and shared my revelations with him it wasn't enough. His mistake was wanting to be my best friend immediately after we broke up. Not giving me any time to heal, though somehow HE managed to do it. I just can't believe that this is really how it ends.
  15. Thank you, I appreciate your comments. The chemistry WAS right, though. Emotionally, physically. I just made a huge mistake. I try to remember that him just accepting it, not fighting for it, and walking away as a sign, but his later actions were monumentally confusing. How do you not tkae a break up personally? I feel like my brain doesn;t work because I just don't understand any of this.
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