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From_Now_On

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From_Now_On last won the day on June 12 2006

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  1. Those are definitely motivation points i have used to quit before. Unfortunately, there is also a self-injury/punishment element at play that complicates that line of thought. Still, I definitely hear/agree with you. Thank you for your concern.
  2. Thank you. I will have to look into that. ♡
  3. Someone else mentioned this also...I'm not sure how to find it?
  4. I am a misplaced comma A pause, When there shouldn't be A breath (,) taken When your meant to carry on Or stop entirely Reset! Period. Full stop. But I keep going Hanging on the ankles of The last letter As it tries awkwardly To shake me off To whisper "Not yet" Or "Not here, This spot is for someone else" But I'm not ready to finish my thought Or maybe I just need An extra, Break In the wrong place Where I'm not supposed to be If life is a sentence, I am, haphazard Punctuation,,, ,O,v,e,r,used ,Under,used & In, all, the, wrong, places, *First Draft. Freewrite poem. 5:11am. Wednesday, March 27th, 2024. (((Sorry, for the post spamming. I guess I have a lot of words pouring out of me today. Also -- it's been mentioned there may be a better place to post this type of content. Once I locate that, i promise to relocate there. 😉 In the meantime, thank you for suffering my ignorance and brain dumping. ♡)))
  5. I did not! I wasn't quite sure where something like this (or my other posts) belonged. Emotions tab felt like a good catch all? Lol. I'll try to locate the section you're referring to.
  6. If every star in our sky And every other sky (Both known and unknown to us) Was the epicenter of its own solar system And I understood each of them From their center cores To their outermost reaches I still know (At my own core) That I could not believe There would be enough Life or planets or moons To fill any Of the billions of galaxies That reside in a singular fleck Of the constellations Of gold dust In (either of) your Irises *First Draft: Freewrite poem. 4:28am Wednesday, March 27th, 2024.
  7. Thank you for your comment. The internet can be a mixed bag, so I'm grateful for your encouragement and kindness. ♡
  8. Thank you for your concern. I do wash my hands and remove my jacket before touching the baby after smoking. I am very conscious of second hand smoke. Including keeping my hair away as well.
  9. Thank you! I think she may be right. Looking online it seems to fit.
  10. I'm not preaching anything. If they were to find out or ask me I'd be honest. But I don't think kids need to know every struggle or carry every burden of their parents. I'm not proud of it, (I don't think any smoker is,) and I've quit before and I'm sure I'll figure out a way to quit again. But I'm not a perfect human and addiction isn't an easy thing.
  11. ♡ thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind message. Always good to be reminded I'm not the only weirdo. 😉 lol ♡
  12. I'm sorry about your FIL. And you are absolutely right. I have tried and succeeded in quitting many times. Only to end up back at it. I'm struggling right now so it's a go-to vice. I know I'll need to get back off them asap. Thanks for your concern. ♡
  13. I'm 36 and finally digging in to some harsh past traumas and it sucks. I've been struggling a lot with it because it's not something I can talk about outside of my 1 hour a week therapy. So, basically, I've been eviscerating my sanity for an hour once a week and then having to button back up for the real world. I have a one month old baby so I'm not back to work yet and I have been spending long nights awake with the baby and just sitting with my overactive brain. It's been brutal. The session before last, I cried in therapy and absent-mindedly crumpled the tissues into the pockets of my coat. I have 2 older kiddos so I only smoke (cigarettes) outside when they're not home or sleeping; I do not want to be a bad influence. While out smoking that first night after therapy last week, I found the tissues and immediately was comforted by squeezing the little crumpled balls of tear soaked snot rags. And yes, I know that's not a sustainable comfort item, but I haven't had the heart to toss them and I've been squeezing them like a stress ball when I'm outside at night, sneaking my smoke. I confessed this to my closest friend today after an "emergency" extra therapy session. I had stopped by her house to steal a quick cig with her. After admitting my tissue stress ball dilemma, I told her I had tried to look online for some sort of replacement item, but I'm so sentimental that nothing felt right. Upon hearing this, she jumped up and went into her little witchy home office and handed me a white worry stone. I was so moved by her thoughtfulness, that I pulled her in for a hug and began to cry a little. However, I'm notorious for my humor and I take pride in being a tough broad, so after a long teary hug, I pulled back and blurted out "Gay!" (I'm not straight, so don't come for me.) She laughed and that helped reset the mood. I laughed about how the little white stone even looked like a tissue and wiped my tears with it before dipping to the bathroom. Anyway, her gesture meant so much more than I can express, and I've since been carrying this little stone with me all day. I even napped with it. I've been feeling so overwhelmed with all this digging into old wounds and this is the first time in days that I've felt like i might be able to handle it. I don't usually ask or expect much of friends or family. I tend to be very self sufficient and independent emotionally. I'd rather make people laugh and have a good time than weigh people down. But, since this friend came back to town (after being out of state for a decade) we have grown even closer than ever and she has been someone I am learning to allow to reciprocate friendship without feeling guilty for imposing. I am very grateful for her. The last big gift she gave me was her late dad's 12 string guitar, which has been a catalyst for me diving into music again. She goes to almost every open mic I do and encourages me constantly. She is a visual artist, so I've reciprocated the support by buying her a drawing tablet and supporting her endeavors to illustrate a book she was commissioned for recently. I also sent her money to help when her mom recently passed away and she had to fly back out of state to handle that. I've always been the friend to do those things, but not so much the kind that asks for help for myself. She has been teaching me how to lean on someone a little and it is honestly one of the greatest gifts life has given me (aside from my children, of course, whom she adores and has made a point to become a part of their life as well.) Anyway, I just wanted to take a moment to write all this out and express my gratefulness. There is nothing in the world like a true friend. ♡ Side Note: If anyone knows what type of stone this is, I'd be interested to know.
  14. I used to write on this forum quite often as a teenager. In fact, I made a couple amazing friends here, one of which I still hold dear and am in contact with almost 2 decades later. So, needless to say, this site holds an incredibly special place in my heart. And now..here I am. Almost 20 years later. It feels surreal. So, why now? Well. For a little over a year I've been in therapy. I've had different therapists off and on since elementary, but I've never had one this long. I see my therapist every week for an hour. In between, though, my therapist allows me the freedom to write emails or texts. I almost never text, because I don't want to blow up his phone and interrupt his life. I do write him emails often, though. Sometimes once or twice a week. Lately, it's been closer to 3 times a week. And, although he says it's fine...I feel guilty. So...I'm looking for a new outlet to help relieve some of the burden I've placed on his inbox. I know people will suggest journaling, and trust me, I'm no stranger to that. But there's something much more cathartic about putting your words out where they can be seen. With my emails to my therapist, I tell him "Hey, you know you don't even need to read all of those. I get my therapy just from sending them." But he prefers to read them, which makes me feel like writing him so much is piling homework on his desk. So I've been trying to figure out how to replicate that catharsis in a safe way. Aside from this site, though, I've never felt safe to say anything I'm feeling. Well, until my therapy emails. It's like hitting the "send" button takes this weight off my chest so I can breathe again. Like the words aren't just secrets sitting trapped in a journal I'm my drawer...weighing me down as they sit inside this closed extension of myself. But, instead, they are sent out of me and into space where they aren't stuck inside and eating me alive anymore. So...after a few weeks of flirting with the concept of coming back here and writing where I feel safe and where I don't feel like I'm burdening anyone or forcing them to read my words....I've decided to come back. Prepare for the onslaught of rambling, Enotalone. ♡Alex *Names have/will be altered to protect identity. 😉
  15. Hey From_Now_On_and_Always

     

    I was googling what circumstances might be behind the "i don't want to hurt you" response from a girl who I confessed to liking.

    I believe your response was to be there for her and not rush things

     

    I was in a 6 year relationship with my first love from the age of 18, then I broke up with her because I wanted to live as a celibate monk of sorts. I was young and ***ed up in the head.

    I didn't date for 8 years . Yes trying to be a monk and all that jazz.

    I got out of that bs last year and so I've been dating again on and off for a year and I recognise I'm ***ing clueless. 

     

    Recently I started liking a 28 yo girl i met on tinder. She's quite shy. She had also been in a 6 year relationship that started straight out of highschool. That ended 4 years ago for her. I think she's been hurt badly but I can't say for sure how.  

    I like her a lot but it's only been three weeks and we've had three "dates" so far.

    OK so a few days ago she was driving me and one of her friends (a work colleague) home. The friend in the car asked me: "Do you have a girlfriend?" and obviously the answer should have been "not at the moment but i like someone [add inside joke clue to girl of interest]" but I said "kind of" or "half half" or something to that effect. I know.. .***.... And i realised the girl that i liked may have interpreted my answer as me confesing to playing the field or seeking to commit to some other girl. 

    She didn't pull me up on it but I told her the next day that I liked her a lot and that I said "kind of" because I wanted her to be my girlfriend in the future. 

    She said she prefers that we be good friends. She enjoys single life and is not ready for a relationship. I said I also want to be friends before getting into a relationship but that I thought I should be upfront about my feelings for her. I said if you want to see me again while knowing I like you then that's enough for me. She then said she doesn't mind seeing me again but that she is afraid of hurting me.

    I interpreted this as 75% chance of a being a gentle let down. 

    I was looking for that other 25% chance of being something else, since my sister said that she put up walls to test her now husband. 

    I'm wondering if you could tell me your story. What happened when you said "i'm afraid of hurting you"

    Thanks again. 

    I couldn't send a private message to you for some reason. You can PM if you'd like.

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