shazza

AKir! It sounds like your bf is neither respecting or considering your needs at all . I am a girl, and I have a very high sex drive too. My last bf didn't have as high a sex drive, whereas the one before him had one that pretty much matched mine. Which one lasted longer you reckon? That's not me trying to be shallow, I mean obviously there's more to it then that, but I think sex plays a VERY important part in a relationship, especially when you're young. Your sexuality is as much a part of you as your personality, your intellect...all those things are connected, and all those things are what makes you YOU. In saying that however, relationships do take compromise - for instance, I don't like anal, it's been tried (unsuccessfully) before and I would expect anyone who loved me to respect that. BUT - I would find other ways for us to please eachother, because I would want us BOTH to be satisfied. For all of you in this position, the only thing I can say is don't underestimate what your sex life can say about your relationship as a whole...often what's really going on in a relationship is played out in the bedroom. That's not too say that if the sex isn't fantastic your relationship is doomed, but if you can neither communicate this to your partner or, when you do, they refuse to try and instead choose to ignore it they are basically saying "Your needs aren't important to me". (In a normal situation of course - if you've just had a baby, your BF or GF wants you to do something you find repulsive, or anything extreme like that then it's different of course). But power issues are generally most obvious in the bedroom As for scarface...I don't think you're being selfish (nor do I think you're asking for the sex life of a porn star...sounds pretty normal desires to me!) because you've said you're trying very hard to accommodate her needs and make sex good for both of you....I guess you just have to ask yourself, how much is your sexuality a part of who you are? If you're tempted to cheat it may be a big part of who you are, whether you like it or not. The important thing now is whether you do the right thing (which might mean breaking up) or whether you do the WRONG thing (which, in my opinion, would be cheating - because your putting your needs first, but more importantly you're doing so in a deceptive, cowardly and selfish way). That's drawing from my own experiences. Don't be ashamed, underestimate or dismiss your sexuality...it isn't the be all and end all, but it IS important. Only you can decide how much. Hope it helps!

I think you need to confront him with how you feel, tell him you are prepared to try and make things work but if he isn't then you'll leave. And seriously, if he isn't prepared to try then he isn't respecting the institution of marriage because a marriage takes work, and he is just taking it for granted. You see, the problem is, when your partner doesn't want you sexually anymore it can be very damaging for the self esteem. And you're probably very attractive, loving, and have a normal sex drive, but his behaviour is causing you to doubt yourself. An affair is not the answer. That is just bringing another person into your problems, and is only going to further complicate things. If you must, leave him but don't get divorced straight away. Separate and allow yourselves both some time to figure out if your marriage is worth saving. I truly believe that your son will be better off with two single parents that are happy, confident, and have high self esteem (because that will set an example for him to follow) then watching his parents live in a loveless marriage. Always put yourself and your happiness first.

If you're wondering about 'guarding your heart' in the first place it sounds like you already like him...especially if you get the tight chest, butterflies, etc. BUT - he sounds like a recipe for disaster! Say you keep seeing him, your feelings will grow (no matter how 'casual' you try and keep it) and his feelings for you stay the same - while his feelings for his ex never go away. It will surface some way or another and you would've set yourself up for 10 times more pain then if you walk away now (trust me!) Besides, if you walk away now, it may force him to take a look at his life and realise its pointless pining away for someone he's broken up with. And then you guys can try again once he's DEALT with his baggage. I know it's hard when you meet someone you like, but unless that man wants you 100% then he's not worth it. Here's a few things to think about when making your decision: 1. You deserve to be the number 1 person in the life of the number 1 person in your life. 2. You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. 3. Always put yourself and your happiness first. 4. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. And finally...I think if you're asking for advice about it you know it's a bad idea. Trust your instincts - not your libido. Hope it helps!

Yeah well I haven't really had the time to worry about it, I'm studying as well you see so I've got a pretty hectic life! As for finding a job, I'm not too worried cos I always manage to get jobs OK. And I'll probly just move in with my folks for a week or so while I find a new place (although my Mum drives me MENTAL sometimes, but she means well!) Re. him, I'm not really that upset, I mean it's disappointing obviously but that's more because I'd always wondered if we would make it...and now it looks like we wont. But I know it would've been 10 times harder if we'd actually been together after all these years and it hadn't worked. At least this way we never started anything, so there's nothing to finish! And I think we can still be friends one day, it'll just have to be in a couple of years when he can forget how much I hurt him and any feelings I had for him are gone. But if we don't, I'll still have the memories of when we were friends I'm just glad I finally told him how I felt...I think in these situations you have to take the risk, because even if the answer is not what you wanted to hear at least it's over, and now I can finally know it wasn't meant to be. Whereas had I not said anything, we would've probably kept confusing eachother, and I would never know if I'd missed my chance...and so the record repeats. Either way, life's too short! And I have too much to get organised in the next few weeks to really dwell on it! I bet a million bucks though, knowin him (and our history) I'll find a great new place, have a new job, be on top of the world, meet someone I like and he'll come knocking on my door. And that's not me being hopeful, it's happened so many times to us before! (My friends are placing bets already ) But I think next time I'll have to say "No." Not to get revenge or anything like that, just because what nebbish said was true....why would I want to be with someone who is a day late and a dollar short? To use the fish metaphor again, "There's planty more fish in the sea." ...I'm just going to be too busy to go fishing for a while!

Well, it was a disaster. We met, had a great night - talking, dinner, drinks, just like we used to, and I looked good and he looked good - then it's getting late and he starts asking me to come home with him and saying he'll drive me to uni the next day cos he doesn't start work until late, etc etc. I'm thinking, "No - don't put yourself through that again, if you go home with him and then he disappears again you'll be messed up" so I said "No, I don't want to go home and shag you, I'll just get a taxi home." He then says he'll drive me back to my place, so I agreed thinking it might give us a chance to talk about my letter (because neither of us had brought it up yet). Anyway, we get to my place and I'm about to go when he brings up the letter. Basically what he said was, last year when he wanted a relationship with me and I said I wasn't ready, only for him to learn I was seeing someone else, really messed him up. Because for him, despite how messy it may have been, he didn't care - he just wanted us to be together and he felt I'd thrown that back in his face. He said he didn't want me thinking that the last 5 years was just him wanting what he couldn't have or anything like that, because what he felt was genuine...but, now its gone. I explained my reasons for behaving so badly in the past, and admitted I'd taken a long time to realise (or admit) how I felt about him, and said "I think I just have **** timing". He said he was sorry, but what he felt then he doesn't feel now. However, he asked me to make room for him in the future, to which I said no, explaining that I couldn't keep hoping that things would be different "In the future"...I needed to move on once and for all. He got upset at this, and reached over to hug me and I said "I think 90% of you doesn't want this, but 5% of you still can't let go" to which he agreed. So I pulled away and got out of the car. I went inside and heard him leave after a few minutes of sitting there. I then rang my GF (It was 3am!) and bawled to her, then finally went to sleep. So...I guess my instincts and fears were right. It was just such a shock, because his actions and words up until a few weeks ago said something very different. I mean, of course I've considered he only ever wanted to sleep with me, or he only wanted what he couldn't have, etc (that's what's always scared me!) but then my friends/family tell me that's ridiculous, because he wouldn't have tried time and time again despite my rejection, and he's admitted to them how he felt...and I just think we were way to close for it to be just that??? But now I finally I tell him how I feel, and he says he no longer loves me. weird! Anyway, he messaged me the next day and said "I didn't sleep very well after last night, but what I said was the truth...about now, but more so about my feelings in the past. But I'm glad that we now know eachother. I'll see you round." I didn't reply...what do you say to that? So, I guess it was just never meant to be. I am confused as hell, but there's no where to really go from here is there? I mean, I just have to walk away. My GF said she doesn't buy it, and thinks he's just too scared, and probably felt rejected (again) when I said I wasn't going home with him...but even if that's it, that's pretty low and shows he was only after one thing, doesn't it? I dunno...either way its over. AND...to top it all off, the next day I lost my job, AND my flatmate gives me my notice to move out. They say bad luck comes in 3's don't they?

Well here's an update.... It was SO weird, but last night I was @ a GF house and I thought I'd check my mobile 2 see if I had any love...anyways, there's a msg from him asking me what I was doin on Fri (I actually jumped for joy - how sad am I? And for the rest of the night & the next day I was all hopeful...) Anyways, I wrote back but got no reply, then he was messaging me today and I asked him if he wanted to meet up Fri night, and he says he's busy! So I'm all confused, & I've thought "I can't play these games anymore, stuff him" & wrote back telling him 2 forget it. (See, I'm thinking he only likes the chase, so I have to move on). THEN he writes back saying "hang on - U told me U were busy on Fri?" and I realised he misunderstood my 1st msg...anyway, I corrected him & he said he'll call me after work 2nite, so we'll see... I feel a bit silly now It's just so awkward, we're both a bit scared I think (or at least I am!) Oh well, fingers crossed!

NO WAY! I think you've got it all wrong. It's when we're having sex, we want sex more...we think about it more, the hormones are racing, it's easier to get urself off. When you aren't getting any (for ages) that's when you tend to forget about it and so don't masturbate as much. Well, thats how it is with most ppl I know anyway But in saying that, boys are boys...masturbation for them is a bit different. Sometimes that thing has a mind of its own It sounds like your BF can sense you don't approve of it, so he's ashamed...not a good thing when you're in a sexual relationship with someone. Why don't you try thinking about it this way - if you guys are still having lots of sex, he's probably thinking about that a lot when he's masturbating, and so just put it down to him havin a high sex drive?? If you still feel unsure, tell him the only reason it bothers you is because you want to be sure he's enjoying sex with you too...not just with himself! But assure him 1st that if he's not, you're not going to take it personally...instead you would like to try new ways of making sex GREAT for BOTH of you. It's when he doesn't want ANY, he'd rather watch TV, or he's telling you he's tired, etc and YOU'RE the one having to masturbate to get urself off that you have a problem...trust me!

Hey there Well for starters I know this is going to sound unbelievable but EVERYONE feels that way at some stage when they are at school, I promise you! You see, the problem with school is its very hard to find out who you are because you only have a few people to compare yourself with, and interact with. Once you leave school, it is a different world. No-one has any idea who you were at school, what you were like, and so they can't stereotype you. Not to mention there are so many different types of people out there! But I know that doesn't help you much now. What you need to do now is try and not compare yourself to others by remembering what I said above. Also, when you're at school you're learning who you really are, so find a hobby or a way you can express yourself emotionally...its a good way of seeing how much you've grown over the years and can be a great way to let your feelings out, so you don't lie awake at night stressing (I used to draw & write...It helped me alot, and I still have all that stuff to look back on & laugh!). Doing things like this will help you get a better sense of who you are, and that will help you talk to BOTH boys and girls and find common interests. It doesn't have to be something artistic, it can be anything your passionate about that you enjoy and that relieves some of the stress. It will build your confidence, because although you said you get good grades it's important to have things in life we do simply for FUN too! When we're having fun its easier to be accepting of who we are. And the best part? Other people RESPECT and ADMIRE those who have interests and passions and do things that they enjoy, because it shows they follow their own rules and no-one elses. And you'll probably find you'll meet people with the same interests, and so it will be easier to talk to them, and as your confidence grows it will get easier to talk to ALL kinds of people - boys and girls Just remember...it is a life long process, we never stop learning and challenging ourselves. If you can embrace it and remember that you CAN change, you won't feel so trapped. And although its hard not to do, don't compare yourself to others - you have gifts and talents and are loved by others too! Besides, you never know what is going through someone elses head (P.S. Girls really aren't that scary, we're actually quite scared ourselves when we're young. That's why sometimes the more confident guys seem to attract heaps of girls. But as we get older, sometimes the quiet but friendly guys are more appealing - trust me!) Hope it helps

I don't think he was BSing me, when we started something a year ago he wrote me this long letter saying how he felt and how he didn't want 2 not be something in my life etc etc...he's written me stuff like that before, (over the years) I just couldn't face up to the truth and so kept rejecting him And he's confessed 2 my sis, our friends and his ex that he loved me...could he be BSing though? I think that's what I've always feared, that his feelings weren't real, that he only wanted me when he couldn't have me, etc. But the last time we hooked up + he wanted a relationship we were both single, but I said no, so now I dunno if I was right or wrong??? Ppl who know me (& him) asked me what did I expect him to do, after so many years of rejection. So I told him the truth, and promised him it was genuine...I'm just scared its 2 late, and I'm just scared the last time we slept together was his way of saying goodbye, once and for all. I told him I felt used and he said he didn't use me, just went into hiding for a while cos he went a bit weird.... I just don't get it...when he found out I was single again, he kept callin + messaging, & we hung out, got close again...one night he stayed over, but I told him I didn't want anything 2 happen, and he just lay beside me & watched me sleep...we kissed, but then the next mornin I behaved like a fool, & snuck him out before my flatmate could see him there. So you see, I've been sending mixed signals...but now I've made it so friggin obvious for him, and he's disappeared!

It sounds like you guys are on a bit of a see saw, you had feelings/she didn't, then maybe she had feelings but thought you didn't, now you have feelings and she may have moved on? She probably felt vulnerable contacting you in the first place, and then took your lack of response in the following 2-3 months as a sign that you weren't interested. So she moved on. Without knowing more about the two of you, I can only say she may have had feelings for you if you guys were as close as you say and you helped her through so much stuff...Us girls tend to fall for guys if we're intimate with them emotionally! I think you should go see her, face to face, and tell her once and for all how you feel, tell her you didn't mean to cut her out of your life but you had some hectic stuff goin on, and tell her you're there for her if she wants. But also tell her you can't wait forever, so she needs to be honest with herself. I am in a similar situation, see my post link removed

It sounds like you guys are on a bit of a see saw, you had feelings/she didn't, then maybe she had feelings but thought you didn't, now you have feelings and she may have moved on? She probably felt vulnerable contacting you in the first place, and then took your lack of response in the following 2-3 months as a sign that you weren't interested. So she moved on. Without knowing more about the two of you, I can only say she may have had feelings for you if you guys were as close as you say and you helped her through so much stuff...Us girls tend to fall for guys if we're intimate with them emotionally! I think you should go see her, face to face, and tell her once and for all how you feel, tell her you didn't mean to cut her out of your life but you had some hectic stuff goin on, and tell her you're there for her if she wants. But also tell her you can't wait forever, so she needs to be honest with herself. I am in a similar situation, see my post link removed

Hello everyone. I hope you can help me with this one (I'll try and keep it short!). I've known this guy for about 5-6 years (we met @ work) and have always been attracted to eachother. We were very close friends for many years (probably too close) but when we met we were both seeing other people, then he was single for a while, but I was in a long term relationship which I couldn't leave. We both confessed our feelings to eachother, and in drunken moments of weakness we kissed (twice), but when he realised I wasn't going to leave my partner he cut me out of his life completely and moved on. This destroyed me, but I couldn't stay on the merry-go-round we were on either, so I focused instead on the relationship I was in. Anyway, a year or more goes by, then he breaks up with the gf, then my bf leaves me. By this stage we've started to be friends again (just) and surprise surprise, we end up sleeping with eachother after a few months. But a few weeks into our little 'fling', I freaked out, because it was looking like it was getting serious (he confessed to having strong feelings) and I'd just come out of a serious relationship and wasn't ready. Plus I was worried about our ex's finding out (which they eventually did), and the whole thing was looking very messy. So I cut him off completely. Then another year goes by. I was seeing someone else, but getting messages from my 'friend' telling me that he loves me etc. I just ignored them. In fact, I pretty much ignored him for about a year...I refused to see him, or when I'd agreed to see him I'd freak out and cancel at the last minute (I didn't trust him, or myself enough to see him). So anyways, the new relationship ends, and after a few months I agree to see my friend (finally). Yep you guessed it - we were still attracted to eachother, and after a few weeks slept together (again). So then I'm all confused, thinking maybe if I still like this guy after all these years I should just admit to myself (and him) that I've been wrong and have really loved him all this time (and I know it sounds skeptical, but its true!). So I do just that, and he says he needs space, so I took it back (I know, I'm a coward!) But then after a few weeks of soul searching I wrote him a letter telling him the truth (once and for all!) and told him how I was scared in the past & didn't want to admit to myself the truth, etc. Anyways, he wrote back saying the letter was good, he just needed some time to let it sink in....so I haven't contacted him again (cos I dodn't want to appear too needy). That was a week ago, and I have a sneaking suspicion he's not going to contact me again. My friends say he probably doesn't trust me cos I've jerked him round so many times before (and I have, I know!) so I'm preparing myself to kiss this one goodbye and move on. Sooo...I guess what I'm asking is do you think I have a chance? If so, what can I do to win him back? Or have I done too much damage, and should I just forget it and move on? I know I've behaved badly, and I regret it...I just couldn't deal with my feelings for him before. But no one has ever made me feel the way he does, and I think I could (or do) love him. I want to fix things if possible.

I hope this sheds some light on things.... Earlier this year my partner of 4 years just decided he needed to 'find himself' and broke things off. Only one week after we'd celebrated our anniversary....Oh how I cried! And in front of him too! It was tragic, I broke down, begged him not to leave, I cried and I cried...but after an hour or so of talking (and crying!) I realised he'd made up his mind so I gave him my blessing and said 'do what you need to do'. Then I went home to my family, got drunk with my sister, and poured my heart out to them. Then hung out with my girfriends for the next few days, cried over dinner, cried at work, cried to my boss...I went through weeks of just sleeping, I gave up all the things I used to enjoy, i.e. going to the gym, listening to music, drawing, writing etc. I also discovered around this time that I had an illness that would remain with me for life (nothing life-threatening, but still somthing to be worried about). I stopped doing my uni work, went out most nights of the week clubbing, drinking...I've always been someone who looked after their health but that all went out the window. I started smoking again. Eating junk food all the time...(gotta watch that emotional eating!) I had an affair for a few weeks (and I use the word 'affair' because it was basically just sex), which lost me most of my friends. I hooked up with randoms at clubs and parties....It was like some bad TV show where the main character goes crazy after they get dumped! And the irony is most people thought I was doing fine, and this was all during the no-contact time with my ex..... BUT....eventually something changed. I woke up to myself. I realised I was going to be in trouble if I didn't focus back on my studies...and I'd tried too hard to get where I was to fail. So it started with that - I threw myself back into my work and hit the books big time. I used all that energy previously spent on self destruction to study, study, study. I started going back to the gym. I quit smoking (again). I started eating properly (again). I surrounded myself with real friends, even though that meant my social life was a bit quiet for a while. I got back in touch with my family, and some old friends I'd neglected for a while. And on on one of those nights, when catching up with an old school friend, I met a really nice guy. Now I don't want you to think that's the happy ending...he is lovely, yes, but its early days yet and it may not work out. But you know what? I've learned that whatever happens, I'll be OK. And I've learned I have some wonderful friends and family that love me regardless. But most importantly, (and I know it sounds corny!) I've learned to love myself. For all of you who are missing someone desperately and think the pain will never go away, it does. You have to have faith in yourself and have faith that things will eventually change...whether that means you get back together or not, life is full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I suggest use the time to really get back in touch with yourself and to those around you...learn things about yourself you never knew, try something different. Travel, explore, treat yourself. Just try not to destroy yourself like I did! (I'm still working off those extra kilos!). Now I hope I don't sound like a preacher, cos thats not what I'm trying to do....I actually visited this site during my hardest moments and I can't begin to tell you how much it helped to know I wasn't alone in what I was going through. I think that was what really helped me turn myself around. Cos often we look around us at others and feel totally alone...but you're not! So many people are going through the same thing. So I guess what I'm trying to say is thakyou Anyway, hope it helps! P.S. The ex and I are now seeing eachother as friends - I think he's shocked at how I've pulled myself together! So for those of you who are wondering how to get them back...making yourself happy 1st really is the best way...he asked, but I declined - decided solo was the way to go! Cheers oxoxox

I've just started seeing this guy (about 3 months or more) and all is going great except one thing. He constantly mentions his ex, which didn't bother me too much at first (since I talked about my ex a lot as well, since we only broke up about 7 months ago and have remained close friends). But the problem is, he says they're best friends and up until recently they both worked together, but I've noticed lately he's constantly making bitter comments about how many guys she goes out with, how her attitude has changed, how she's become easy etc etc. He's told me that she's jealous of us, and she calls him at least 2 or 3 times a day, and they see eachother often....but I find it weird that he would speak so harshly of her to me? He's also avoiding introducing us, which I didn't care about since I haven't introduced him to many of my friends/family yet.....but, I sense that there's more to it. For one thing, he didn't tell me she was an ex girlfriend until I asked (because he spoke about her so much), and they only broke up recently. He's quite a private person, so I don't know how it ended and haven't asked...I don't see how its any of my business. But its just bugging me the way he talks about her and the fact he talks about her so often...could he be putting her down to hide his true feelings? Cos it seems like he's still bitter about something...yet he sees her almost as much (if not more) then he sees me. And he says she's his 'best friend' yet he speaks about her so sarcastically. What do you guys think?? Am I being paranoid???

Heya! I agree, yes you do remember your first love fondly but its more because you were so young and so overwhelmed by being in love for the first time. Time changes this perspective, trust me. Although I look back on (most of) my loves fondly, they ENDED for a reason...Its foolish to try and compete because in actual fact he's with YOU now, so you're in the better position! If you relax and let things happen naturally, you will both become so consumed by the "OMG - I can't believe I found this person!" feeling you will think you're the luckiest two people in the world! And I speak from experience...having been dumped by my bf of 4 years at the start of this year, I met someone 2 months ago (when I least expected it) and he's had to deal with me still being really close with my ex, as I have had to deal with him being friends (and working with) his ex! And she's told him she's jealous of us...but instead of worrying about her, (or him worrying about my ex) we've both just trusted that both relationships are in the past for a reason, and we're both totally thrilled to be embarking on something new - together! Unless you sense he still has strong feelings for her, and is comparing the two of you, I wouldn't even bother finding out the details....you'll just end up over analysing and make yourself more paranoid! If they were meant to be, he would still be with her. Now he is with you and if you guys are meant to be, then it will be. Think about it this way - the first time you had a best friend as a kid, someone you played with, grew up with and did everything with...even if you don't see them now, you probably still cherish that person's role in your life, right? But we grow, we change, and I bet you cherish your friends now just as much, because they love the person you have become. When two people share something - be it friendship or love - sometimes its nice to hang on to, because its a part of who we are. But the people in our present are the ones we usually devote most of our time and energy to....so have faith in yourself and enjoy it! You don't have to compete....there is no competition! He's with you now, so you've already won