makaw

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it may never happen. It's been six months for me. And nothing. Initially, like you, I had some hope that maybe he'd come back. He had done it before...several times. But it didn't take long to realize this time it was different. The earlier post stated it well. NC is for you. Only you. It is not intended to be a game of chicken with your partner to see who will give in first. It is intended to be a time of self reflection. A time for you to evaluate the relationship and REALLY see what was going on. Did you read a lot into the relationship that truly wasn't there? Did you push the partner away through your clinginess? Who knows...but the process of looking at what happened will take time. During that time you will feel like hell. You will be lonely, depressed and extremely sad. But that is all part of healing. You loved someone and it didn't work out. Perhaps you loved more than the other person. During this time of healing, you need to try and understand what drew you to that individual in the first place. I call it "holes" in your heart. What "holes" did this person fill? Once you start to look at why you were in the relationship in the first place, you'll start to understand what you really want and need in the ultimately fulfilling relationship. I know this sounds very analytical right now but it's really the place you need to be directing your thoughts. If the person comes back, then you've had time to think and set up new boundaries in the relationship that will help fill your needs. If the person doesn't come back, then you have learned a great deal about what you want and need in the next relationship and that will make that new one all the more successful. Good luck.

I think if someone truly loves you enough to consider being with you for the rest of your lives, there is nothing that should interfere with your relationship. If you were actually together, i.e. married, then things would pop up and be dealt with together. If marriage, or a reasonable facsimile of it, is in your future then now is the time to bond with each other and get through the tough time together. You should be each other's "soft place to fall". You should be the person your partner turns to for support and strength, and vice versa. Perhaps you are not at that point in your relationship, but I feel this is the type of relationship most of us are looking for. From my experience, if a crisis occurs and you do not turn to your partner for support and strength, there is some sort of problem with the relationship in the long run. Your relationship has only been 8 months, mine was years, so maybe this is not as significant an issue in a shorter relationship. But in the long run, it is telling, I think. I do agree with the previous post to an extent. You have to work at any relationship to make it successful. Neglect will make any relationship a failure. However, if both parties are not as committed to the relationship as the other, then you'll be beating your head against a wall to make it happen. At some point, one has to face the issue head on and decide to either stay or let it go. To make that decision, look inside yourself and decide what exactly you need in a relationship. If you are not getting it here, then tell your partner what it is you need. If she is not forthcoming trying to meet your needs and you meet hers, then it's time to go. Hope this makes some sense. Good luck.

Toni, I have had no contact with my ex now about 4+ months. Since that time I have come to accept that it is over and I'm trying to move on with my life. But as time goes by, I have come to realize I was so in love with this man that I did not see all the ways he lied to me. He was continually trying to protect himself instead of moving forward with our relationship. I gave up much to be with him and he never really gave up anything. He always hedged his bets. Now that we are apart he is able to pick up his life virtually without a bump because he never actually gave up his former life to be with me. I, on the other hand, have had to start all over again rebuilding a life for myself because I gave it all up for us to be together. How can I get past the anger of being used like that by him? How can I find more compassion for myself for not seeing it sooner?

Dear Chris, I'm so very sorry to hear of the life you have had to live. No one should have to deal with this sort of abuse. I would like to recommend a book called, "A Child Called It" by David Pelser. The author was abused for many years. In fact the book states his case was one of the worst cases of child abuse in California during that time. The reason I suggest you read it is because it is written from David's point of view. It tells of his will to survive and thrive above all else. He has become very successful but it was a definitely an uphill battle, BUT HE WON!!!! Perhaps you can find some inspiration from the book and feel as though you are not the only one who has experienced such things. I would also strongly suggest you tell the truth to CPS. David Pelser feared what would happen to him telling the truth but ultimately it was his salvation. Talk to the school counselor or a trusted teacher. Get some help from somewhere. Please read the book. It's a fast read and easy. I got my copy used off link removed for about $8. Please keep in touch and know there are many people praying for you.

If the receiver has no specific preference in type of flower, then roses are certainly safe. However, I personally would like to receive another color rose other than red. Red is too readily available. Another, more unusual color, to me would show the giver had taken a little more time to select something really unique and special. I prefer pink or a pale, pale yellow over red. But ANY flower whatsoever would most likely be appreciated. So go with your own gut feelings.

Doc, I believe you have two options: you can move and raise your income in a part of the country outside NYC, and/or change your career. I live in a very depressed part of the country. In the city I live in we have too many physicians per capita. But outside this major city, the rest of the state is seriously underserved. I work in a clinic with five specialists. Twice a week one of the docs goes to the southeastern part of the state to see people who do not have a specialist within 200 miles. They do not make any money by doing this, but they feel it is something they need to do to give back to those who cannot afford medical care and do not have it readily available to them. There are many parts of the country where physicians are desperately needed. More and more docs are dropping out of the profession due to malpractice insurance costs and burnout. I think you need to really sit down and think about whether you truly want to be a doctor. You need to have a commitment to helping people and the money will come second. If you truly don't like the profession, I would consider changing. Maybe you can change medical fields and find fulfillment. Maybe you could utilize your skills in some other venue, like the military for instance or free clinics. Maybe you would like to teach. Many, many people get an education in one field, try it for a while, and change. I'm one of those people. What matters is not that you spent all the money for one type of education, but that you find your passion and go for it. At times I feel I've wasted my parent's money too, but I find the skills I acquired for my initial profession have been quite applicable to other jobs I've gotten in to. You don't have to end being a physician all at once. Find out what you would like to do instead and GRADUALLY move in that direction. Get more experience, education or whatever is necessary to move in that new direction. For the immediate future, I would seriously pursue a different clinic to work in. You've tried a couple places but that is not nearly enough. If you want something you have to go after it and stop at nothing. Get your name out there. Be creative in where you will go. If you are as specialized as you say, then having that unique specialty is something to market to other clinics/hospitals/practices etc. I would also strongly suggest you do NOT entertain the idea of private practice. I've done billing etc. for private physicians and it's very difficult to start up. Since you seem unsure of your interest in the whole profession I don't think it would be wise to throw yourself into the sink or swim of private practice. Try to find out if medicine is your real passion first. If it is, then really do a lot of research about maybe starting your own practice. Talk to other docs who have done it and what some of the problems were. I have found most docs don't have the slightest clue of the business part of private practice. They know the medical side but HR, payroll, OSHA, HIPAA, personality problems, billing, collections, etc they are totally clueless. If you don't understand the business side, you need to learn about it before diving in head first. I hope some of this has made some sense to you. I know you are very depressed. I have been thinking of you since your post in March. I was quite concerned then and still am. I really wish you would talk to someone, a qualified someone, about all your concerns. I truly think if you can search your inner self and find out what work would make you happy, that would be a huge step in the right direction. Right now you are feeling trapped and that's getting you nowhere but frustrated and depressed. Try to find a way out by discovering your passion in some field of work. Don't give up. Giving up creates no movement forward. You must move forward if even in your own thoughts, initially. I'm rooting for you. Keep going and be good to yourself.

Don't get discouraged. Sometimes crying is the absolute best thing you can do. It is a great stress reliever! And, as a little side benefit, I've found if you cry enough it makes you really sleepy. It sounds as though you have had one horrendous week. You need some good sleep, a good meal and some destress time. Try to get a little exercise outside. That will help relieve the stress too. And don't be too hard on your dad. Dad oftentimes are not nearly as observant as you wish they would be sometimes. I just don't think it's in their makeup. Just try to remember you're overly sensitive to everything right now because of the hormones, exhaustion and stress. Try to give yourself and your parents a break. Get some sleep. Cry if you need to. I imagine it will look alot better tomorrow. Take care.

I personally think you should have no contact with him. If he wants to contact you, he knows where you are. I realize it is very difficult to go through this phase when you want something so badly, but you're apparently the only one who is trying to keep the relationship going. Trust me on this.....a one sided relationship will never work. There has to be total commitment from both parties for it to have a chance. I just don't see that kind of commitment from him in your relationship. Sorry. He appears to have already made his choice and it wasn't to be with you. It's time to move on and find someone who will appreciate you and all you have to give. Good luck.

Sorry for the confusion. I got the impression from the previous post that you wanted to send him an email about being rude, etc.

I still maintain his call to you could have been nothing more than a "touch base" to tell you he was thinking of you, but was so tired he would have to cut it short. It just doesn't take but a second to let someone know you're in their thoughts instead of creating doubt in their trustworthiness. He might have been truly tired and didn't remember he had said he would call. But, to you it has created a seed of doubt as to him being trustworthy. Puts a sort of red flag up for me.

He probably hasn't contacted you because he feels so badly about how he treated you he couldn't stand hearing your pain. He knows he has caused you pain, I would guess, and can't face the music. Conflict avoidance. If you want to email him I think I would just apologize for your behavior and leave it at that. No need to ask him how he's doing....he's not inquiring about you. If the cell phone company calls, direct them to your ex and let him deal with it. You do not need to be his secretary. I hope this does not sounds uncaring but I'm trying to look after your mental and emotional health. You just have to let this one go. He wasn't the right man for you. Period. He obviously didn't treat you with respect by the way he left. You deserve much better. Someone who will be as considerate and loving of you as you are of them. This guy wasn't the one. Try to concentrate on other things and your goals without him. You have much of your life to live yet. Don't waste another minute dealing with something that has no future for you anymore. Good luck. And take care of yourself. makaw

I agree with Athena. You teach people how to treat you. If you're willing to put up with him not calling you, repeatedly (because it easily could end up that way, from my experience) then don't say anything to him. I personally find it disrespectful and discourteous. I put up with it a long time from my ex, but no more. I deserve much better than that sort of treatment. This early in the relationship is when you need to start setting boundaries. If he can't show enough respect to call, then why keep him around.

Tristesse, I can totally relate to where your head and your heart is at this moment. My ex ended our relationship almost three months ago now without a word of explanation. We had been doing better, or so I thought, just a couple days before the no contact began. He, too, went back to his family. I never could understand the rationale. But I can say, I've finally come to a sort of peace at the spineless way he ended the relationship. Our relationship had been five years, with certainly more than its share of ups and downs. But I always had faith it would turn out the way I wanted in the end. I too have struggled all this time with the closure issue. I wanted him to talk with me one last time to explain his actions... to convince me that I wasn't a total fool to believe in him...to let me know that the breakup was as hard for him as it has been for me. Never heard a word. I emailed him a few times but no response. As a previous post mentioned, you come to realize that no explanation is going to be good enough. He's just a jerk and that's all there is to say. I used to think about him all the time but that's greatly subsided. Now it's just a few times a day. He had a choice between happiness and a dysfunctional family, and he chose the family. Makes me realize just how dysfunctional he was too. Don't need to deal with that. I deserve much better and so do you. I personally hope you do not try and talk to him while he comes to get his stuff. It will just prolong the hurt and pain. I agree with the post that says to find a friend to give his stuff to to give then to him. I'm doing the same with my ex. I just don't want to see him again. Nothing he could say to me now would make what he did any more acceptable to me. He made his choice and now he's got to live it. He could have had much better with me, but he lost out. Give yourself time and you will feel the same way, I think. Just try to stay away and let yourself heal. No rationalization on his part will really help. It will probably just bring on more questions from you. Just let it go. makaw

Sorry it didn't go well. I've had the experience several times of more than one person interviewing me at once. The most at once was 12! Felt like the Inquisition! Fortunately, with each interview you gain experience, just like abcd1234 said. I suggest you go on any interview you are contacted about even if it's a job you're not particularly interested in, just to get the experience. It will get easier and much more predictable. You just have to keep plugging away. Keep sending out your resume and following up. Just be patient and keep working at UPS in the meantime. Did you find another PT job to supplement your income? That might be helpful right now. There are also some books out there talking about the 100 most asked interview questions. Maybe you could take a look at those. Try and formulate an answer about you for each of the book's questions. Eventually something will come up for you. Just be patient and persistent. Good luck. makaw

Fantasia,\ I wish $30,000 were the case. However, at least in my part of the country, I see job after job listed in the classified stating they want bachelor degree and the job pays under $25,000. Very sad.