wilyone 11
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Posts
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Days Won
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wilyone 11's Achievements
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Day 29 Thought I was well on my way to healing and recovery. Yesterday I was proud of how strong I've been. But today I felt awful, sad, rejected and depressed again. I really miss having him in my life. Below is a poem I read somewhere and memorized. Feels fitting today. I feel the sadness of a stranded lover I feel the helplessness of a trained soldier I feel a heartache which seems in a way weak And weak I feel when I think of you When I wonder how you live without me When I realize you don't feel the same Because it was real for me And I thought for you too ************** So I'm no longer spending money on brazilian bikini waxes, bi-weekly pedicures, new outfits for every date etc. Instead I've been spending that money on psychics. Pretty pathetic and embarrassing. I polled about 8 different ones. The message seems to be the same and is probably what any of you could have told me for free. He ran away from our connection in fear, he's with this 26 year-old because he's infatuated with her and in lust, he connects intimately and then turns it off like a lightswitch, he's not in touch with his emotions, he will be back and will want to get together again (varying time estimates of one month to six months) and when he comes back I need to protect my heart as this could likely happen again, and they don't necessarily advise me to go back but you can't help who you love.
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Day 28 My emotions seem to be stabilizing. I think I've reached the acceptance stage. I've never loved any man so much and I'm actually proud of myself for how strong I've been through this. I've come a long way since I was last dumped 15 years ago.
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I changed my mind on contacting him at the 8-week mark. If he wants me back badly enough he'll contact me. He dumped me after all. If he doesn't want me back badly then I would just be setting myself up for more pain by contacting him.
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Day 27 Most of the negative emotions are gone. I'm left with love and longing. I don't want to do NC forever. He really wanted to stay friends and I slammed the door on him. I think I will make contact at around the 8-week mark. I have a very good excuse to contact him and perhaps we can be friends after that. Don't want to cut him out of my life permanently even though he hurt me badly.
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Day 26 Still can't get over him or get him out of my mind. Feel pathetic.
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Day 25 Spoke to the psychic again. It was interesting and sounded pretty plausible. Here's what she said (remember my ex and I had a threesome with another much younger girl and he dumped me pretty suddenly for her. We'd been together for a year.) "He's very confused, doesn't even know how he could make it up to you. Doesn't know what he could say. He wants to talk to you but wonders why you would even want to look at him. He did not expect this to happen. It's still bugging him, nagging him when he goes to sleep and wakes up. He still cares about you, but he's letting his fears, questions and doubts get in the way. He knows that he still loves you a lot, and it's making him ask questions like maybe he's not strong enough for you, maybe you deserve someone stronger. He figures that if you got back together, all you would remember is what he did." Which is probably true. I'm a very forgiving person, but I don't know how our relationship could ever be the same. I guess it would be similar to forgiving someone for cheating on you? But it's not like he cheated on me with this other girl, he just fell for her and couldn't really help it. I think I could forgive him but do I want to?
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Day 24 I didn't post yesterday b/c I wasn't in the mood. The strong emotions are gone, I just feel kind of blah now. I don't have a whole lot of motivation to do anything. I'm jealous of the folks who are using this NC time to improve themselves. I'm unfortunately going in the opposite direction. When I was dating him, I was on top of the world and did everything I could to look my best. Regular facials, pedicures, bikini waxes, workouts, healthy eating etc. Long list of grooming and self-improvement activities that I now have no desire to keep up. I honestly believe that I looked the best I ever have when we were dating. At 41, I looked better than I did at 26. Obviously I looked younger then but I didn't work out or pay a lot of attention to my appearance. So I'm really discouraged because I did everything I could to be the most beautiful version of myself and he still dumped my ass! I feel like what's the use now, even though I have a strong feeling that he'll be making a curtain call.
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Day 21 Feeling pretty good. I think I hit my lowest point around day 15-16 and since then I've been slowly getting better. Still miss him a lot but don't feel nearly as much sadness or pain.
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Day 21 Not much to report. Feeling pretty stable and even-keeled.
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Day 20 Starting to think I deserve better than this guy who constantly poofed whenever we got close and who dumped me for our threesome partner. I think that a serious relationship with him would cause me a lot of sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem. The relationship was fantastic in the beginning but aren't they all? Hoping if he contacts me I'll be strong enough to tell him I've moved on.
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Day 19 post 2 Hard to imagine anything more painful (from a romantic perspective) than being totally in love with someone, at the peak of the relationship, and watching them make passionate love to someone hotter and sexier than you and dump you for the other person. Most dumpees try hard not to imagine their exes being intimate with the new person. I can't escape the images.
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Day 19 Feeling worse every day since about last Friday. I probably feel the worst that I have since the break-up. I think I was in shock and denial before. Not helping that I can't seem to sleep more than 5 hours a night. Also, I have been calling a psychic a couple of times a week but that's not helping me either. She's telling me things that I don't want to hear, like that he's feeling more positive now and feels good about his new relationship. Sinking in that I was so stupid to agree to a threesome with a hot single 26 year old. But like I said I feel like it was all meant to happen. And I wanted to prove that I was totally secure about myself and the relationship. Hate having all these images in my mind of him having sex with her. The rest of you try not to imagine your ex with the new person but I can't avoid the pictures. It is a bummer. I need to forget about him and move on but he's on my mind every minute of the day. Yes, I can throw myself into work but he's still at the back of my mind.
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Day 18 I have figured out that he was simply more sexually attracted to this other woman than me. Hard to blame him for that. Any other guy in his shoes would have probably done the same thing. She's 15 years younger than me and I believe a former escort. It doesn't matter how amazing our connection was. My guess is that he'll be back once the novelty wears off. I predict it will be in mid to late May. I'm not sure I'll want to get back together with him, even though I miss him terribly right now. Before the second threesome, our relationship was at its absolute best. I was head over heels for this guy and the feeling seemed to be mutual. I had boudoir photos taken on the afternoon of the threesome. I'm so glad I did because they turned out phenomenally well. I was so happy, passionate and in love at the time and the expressions on my face are amazing. I was imagining that the camera was him. So glad I captured that because I doubt I will ever look that way again.
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Day 17 post 2 So this 26 year-old has never held a job for longer than 3 months. My ex got her a job as a secretary at the company he works at. She's looking for someone to support her and take care of her. Meanwhile I'm on the verge of making partner at a top 20 law firm. Seems that guys would much rather be with a struggling secretary than a woman who is very successful in her career. Such a bummer. If I were a man, my career success would be a huge asset in the dating pool. As a woman, it feels like a liability.
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Day 17 I cried for the first time since the break-up. Bawled my eyes out. The loss is starting to set in. I've never had such an amazing connection with someone. But I'm 41 and he's 39 and even though I'm hot for 41, I'm sure he'd rather be with a hot 26 year-old right? Why was I shocked that he left me? He knows we had something very special and I think he was hoping to keep me on the back burner as a "friend" while he screws this 26 year old. I think back to the beginning of our relationship when my heart was so open and trusting. I wonder if I will ever be the same or if I will carry this pain around forever. I don't want to be "damaged goods". I need to forgive him, stop feeling like a victim, remember the happy times and appreciate the things he taught me. Weekends suck. I'm heading into the office. Work is a great distraction. When I'm working intensely on a project, I can actually stop thinking about him. Otherwise I can't get him out of my head.