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rippedinsides

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  1. Day 2 No contact from him. None from me either. I guess he's waiting for me to come groveling. I'm not going to do it. I love him deeply. But I deserve to be treated right. And he's either going to learn it or else let me go. if he let's me go, its his loss. Day 2. Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!
  2. Day 1 Re-starting NC. It's been 1.5 yrs since BU but I'm not able to get over him. The pain just gets worse each day. I went NC for a while, then got back in touch. He was very good to me and was very loving. Like an idiot I asked him whether there was a chance to reconcile. I guess I took it too fast. He said that he doesn't see himself being in a relationship with anyone. And that I'm just a friend to him. He still wants to do things together, hang out, etc. But it hurts too much. I don't want to move on from him. But this is killing me. And I know if I am to stay alive I need to move on. So I'm re-starting NC. No definite time period. Will stick on to it (hopefully) till I can get out of depression as I am in right now. Maybe I'm not good enough for any man. But I definitely don't deserve someone who can't make up his mind what he wants with me. If anything we shared means anything to him anymore, let him work for it. I've done enough. I've begged enough. I've catered to his whims enough. It's my fault for being a doormat. And I'm putting an end to it. Growing a back-bone!!!
  3. You call me when you feel like it. And at times when you don't want to talk to me, you just ignore me. How is this fair??? Is this all I ever meant to you? I guess that's why you broke up with me. I wish the earth would open its mouth and swallow me up and end this pain in my heart forever.
  4. Day 3 for me too. It's getting harder each day but I'm still going. Maybe "this too shall pass".
  5. Very true. NC is the best option for anyone who wants to get a bit of their old self back and stop allowing people to walk over their heads. I've been his doormat for the past 6 years. I've decided that I'm not going to be anymore. It's time to heal and be the person I was before he met me - confident, witty, and with a life of my own.
  6. All the best. NC is the best way with which you can heal and also rediscover yourself. Go with it!
  7. Day 2. I can't believe I made it without contacting him. The only communication today was not initiated by me. He was in another hospital and didn't have access to his e-mails. I was supposed to send him a report. So he sent me a text which said "Have you sent me the reports?" I just replied with a "Yes." That was it. Nothing further. I was in a terrible shape yesterday. Today, too, I'm depressed. But the waves of shivering that were washing over me yesterday are not there today...at least, not as much as yesterday. I was literally trembling on and off and I would feel like someone pushed me into a tub of ice. Today those feelings are a little better. When I woke, depression swept through me. But I'm trying to think that though 6 years is a long time that I've spent with him, I need to cut off contact with him for the sake of the rest of my life. I took a bold step today - I blocked him off all my instant messaging accounts, chat tools and commonly accessed websites. We were also linked on google maps so that we could see where each other was. But I took him off my list there too. It's hard for me because I've become so used to watch him and imagine I'm with him. But I guess if I want to heal, I need to keep away from whatever causes me pain. Since I don't have any more reports to send him for at least 10 days, I've also blocked his calls and SMS. I know it's a crude thing to do. But each time I see his number flash on my phone, even if I don't answer the call or respond to the message, it sets me back emotionally. At least until I heal a bit, I want to be to myself. Maybe once I heal and when I can stop getting panic attacks when I see his number, then I'll unblock him. Till then, its pure NC. Anyway, day 2. I've got 90 days as my target. Hope I can make it.
  8. Day 1 for the Nth time. I'm going to stick to it this time. When I woke up this morning I felt my pain sweeping over me like a tidal wave. I don't know if I'm going to do this, but I sure am going to try harder this time. I often wish that I could just close my eyes and never open them. But I guess that wish won't be granted me any time soon. So....NC....here I come. Hope I can do it.
  9. I guess the negative reply hurts less - at least then you know, rather than go through the pain of suspense and guesswork. I've been there too. I know what it feels like.
  10. Day 4 Day went ok. Managed to stick to NC. This is the most I've gotten so far without regressing. Hope I can stick to it.
  11. Day 3 Today seems little easier. It's like I'm slowly starting to accept the breakup. I felt like calling him but managed to hold myself in check. Glad I succeeded. I worked out a bit, got a new hairdo and a couple of new clothes. I feel a bit nice to see my new stuff. I'm keeping aside a bit of shopping for next weekend. Maybe keeping busy will help.
  12. I know how this feels - I've had the person I loved telling me that he loves me but he's not in love with me. Just hang in there and be strong. I know you wish that she will grow up and realise what she's doing. But you need to be prepared for that fact that with some people, as long as you hand aground, they will never grow up. It happened to me. I've been on this forum for over a year and each time it's the same story. He loves me - he loves me not - he loves me - he loves me not. I'm tired of this emotional rollercoaster. And this would have never happened if I had made myself unavailable and moved on with life. I kept waiting for him, and only got kicked in the end. Just hang in there and don't let anyone hurt you ever again. They are not worth it.
  13. Day 2 Managed to get through without contacting him. Had a rather bad day today because I couldn't help thinking of all the times we shared. I ask myself how he can just let go of me so easily. Was this all that I meant to him? He gives me a whole lot of excuses. But when a person REALLY loves another, isn't it supposed to be against all odds? **sigh** Wish love didn't hurt so much. I'm trying to think of what he has done to me and trying to stay on NC. Will always love him. Just got to love myself more than him so that I can be strong. After all....it's MY life.
  14. DAY 1 I'm back to day 1 because I felt I needed to really focus on healing myself and moving on. The ex has been contacting me and it drives me crazy when I have to hold myself and not respond. Today, after a great deal of effort, I decided it's better to just be clear with him about what I want and make him understand why I need to cut out contact. We spoke and I told him that I need space to heal and I just can't do it with him contacting me all the time. He agreed to stop. Now comes the tough part - he agreed to put an end to all contact....but can I??? I don't know. My heart is yearning to reach out to him. I so badly want him to tell me that there is no way he is cutting contact with me and that he wants to set things right. But I know that's not practical. I need to heal now. I just hope I'm not hurting myself more. I feel like I'm ripping my heart out while it is still beating, with my own two hands. Anyway....day one. Hope this time I can get over him.
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