RadicalDreamer

Hey, I just want to say that I hope all is well. I hope you've found someone special to spend Valentine's Day with. I hope you've found love and happiness. You were so hurt by my lies, my deceit and my deception, and all of the stupid things I did after I confessed last year. I'm sorry. It was terrible. You shouldn't have had to pay the price for my sin, and yet you bore the brunt worst of all. If I could have found a way, I would have just suffered alone... but you deserved to know. I couldn't deny you that, after all the lies. I couldn't run the risk that I'd leave a way for me to come running back. It burned, I know. But hopefully you've moved on, hopefully you've healed enough to where you can find happiness again. There are few other people I can think of who deserve it more. If you had to hate me, if you had to move to absolute apathy, then so be it, if it allowed your heart to heal so you can find beauty in life again. I don't miss you anymore, I never had a right to, since I was the one who created this whole debacle. To keep myself from it, I simply numbed myself to everything. Whenever I'm tempted to indulge in that futile exercise, I simply remember that you're better off without me. It took a long time, but that is my mantra. Be safe, be warm, and be well this Valentine's Day. May I be distant from your thoughts.

Some days, i wish I would have taken that bottle of pills after confessing to what I did, and let the suicide clause on my life insurance policy take care of my family. Today is one of those days.

I'm trying not to think about you. It was easy for a while there. But, I keep thinking about what happened because I think it holds the key to figuring out how to move on. Everyone tells me what I felt for you was infatuation. Maybe they're right. I always thought of infatuation as sparks, butterflies, sexual tension, "newness." But those things weren't what defined us. It was something that felt safe, and familiar, and comforting and I had to give it up. Not because I wanted to, but because it wasn't right. Because it wasn't fair to my wife, or to you. I hurt my wife, however quickly she seemed to have bounced back, and I'll always regret that as we try to recover from it, but I never deprived her of my time or my energy. I regret that I wasted your time with my lies, deceived both of us into thinking I could ever be someone worthy of you. It wasn't fair to you because you deserved someone who could give you their all. It wasn't fair of me to give you the leftover scraps of my time, tell blatant lies to you and in return, get more affection, more sincerity than I was getting for 8 times that effort in my marriage. I feel as horrible for what I did to you as for what I did to my wife, because I used you as a crutch for my own benefit and someone else's. I used your affection to help me avoid my marriage issues, to keep playing the part of the good husband to avoid facing my real issues. I used you as a balm instead of dealing decisively with the problems I knew were there, in my marriage. I know my remorse could never be enough, could never make things right, no matter how sincere--and believe me, I'm completely sincere. But I wish it actually mattered to you on some level. I wish you could have at least acknowledged my apologies, with anything. Instead, before the end those months ago, you batted it all to the side, essentially told me I had no right to be "the wounded party." At the risk of sounding bitter, I wasn't aware it was a contest. If you wanted to say things, mean things, anything, let it out, I would have gladly listened and taken my lumps. I offered to do so. Instead... silence, which I reciprocated. I could understand if I'd been caught in the lie, if this had come out in any other way than a completely voluntary confession. But I respected you enough to come forward of my own volition. I hope that means something to you, someday, helps you heal and move on. Because as it is, it feels like the only reason I told you the truth, instead of just disappearing from your life without a word, was "to do the right thing." As the months draw on, that by itself feels like a pretty dumb reason to do anything.

Hey, I think of what I did to you every day, lest I forget the lessons of the past. But for a while, I was able to stop short of thinking of you. It's not healthy, and it's not right for me to hang on to the memories, since they were all based on my lies. It's been a while since I last thought about you, thought not as long as I'd like. I don't say that because you wronged me or anything- the blame is all mine. I just know it's not right. I know you didn't do it for me, but thank you for not responding to the message I sent. I made this mess, and if you had maintained any sort of contact, i would have been tempted to try to lean on you, and hurt you even more. I've learned, and continue to learn, how to stand on my own and face up to my own misdeeds. It's been more than a month since I said goodbye. It was more than two weeks before that, that i tried to and chickened out. Wow. I guess one doesn't have to be having fun in order for time to fly right on. I hope you're healing, and I hope you've been able to toss me into the dustbin with the rest of the memories from those who've hurt you. If not, take that effigy of me that you made in your heart, make it as crude and wicked-looking as you can, and burn it until even the ashes are gone. I've done the same to my own self-effigy many times. Unfortunately, whenever mine turn to ashes, I still have the mirror. That's the worst reminder of all. Please, never lose your soul like I did. You suffered worse than me, I know. But you always had a noble heart, and I hope you never have to cross this kind of moral event horizon. I mean that. You have no idea how precious a clean conscience is until it's gone.

(thank you to the OP for making this thread) I wish I could have told you that you literally added color to my world. I used to work as a manager at a department store, and I had seen the color "Chartreuse" on the manifests we'd get for new shipments. In typical guy fashion, I never noticed or cared what the color actually looked like. You told me one night, before I brought everything crashing down, that you used the color for the notice you gave your boss, that it was a color you loved. Before you, I didn't know that there was a name for the color of the sunset's slanting rays upon the grass, or early dawn light filtering down through maple leaves. These were two of my favorite sights at the end and beginning of the day. Now, I can't see that shade of green-yellow without thinking of you, and the pain I brought you. There's one other thing I never told (or will tell) you, but I will post it here another day. I'm still confronting it, and I'm not ready... ... I'm sorry... for everything. I already said it to you too many times, but I can never say it enough. So it will be my silent prayer for the rest of my life.