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JayR

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  • Birthday January 4

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  1. I also called her a "racist" (once again, not to her face). Why is it toxic to call my sister a "loser" but not toxic to call her "racist"? I have 4 jobs: truck unloader, event staff, grocery delivery and writer. In terms of living with my Dad, I already booked a one-way to Vegas this month. I've been seeing a psychologist for about a year and a half. I'm taking Wellbutrin mainly for anxiety but I think it helps depression too. I can't confirm whether my doctor officially sees depression as enough of a concern to consider it a diagnosis, but I think Wellbutrin helps (the dread of my current existence however makes me feel depressed, but I just believe that changing scenery is exactly what I need). Another medication I'm taking is adderall because a lack of focus was my main concern in the first place. Yeah, looking back, she pulled this kinda crap ten years ago. This was just after our Dad moved in with us after our Mom died, so our moods were all over the place. Then I knew I was in the wrong - having sworn in her presence, though not necessarily at her (this was a rainy day, and I had just picked her up from a grocery store, she was not very grateful but even the 24 year old version of me still needed more patience). I still know that back then, I didn't deserve all the dramatic monologuing and even more severe profanity fired directly back at me. I was bawling by the time I got home, and even my Dad was crying. My sister didn't shed a tear throughout. I think that's how I ended up finding sites like this (perhaps not this one in particular, but very similar) seeing that the Boys Town National hotline doesn't really aid men of age 24, but I had to call them back then just for somebody to listen and help. Soon after, she moved out. Two years back, I had a brain fart, because she stopped right up front of a Walgreens and I was hesitant to leave her car. In just that split second, she treated me like the biggest moron that's ever walked the Earth. I had to remind her that as the cosigner, I did not appreciate being berated in my car. In that moment, she backed off with instant regret. So, the threat of losing material items are what sets her straight? Just a year ago, she tried this again. Seemingly on purpose, she was speeding and I had to tell her to slow down and she went into this tirade about how I was sexist; I held my ground, made some very calm, cogent points about how our Mom and Dad were way more corrective in their guidance of her driving, or how hypocritical she was when judging other female drivers... It's just gross to think of how people abuse the concept of bigotry to make a whole "..and I will never forgive you" type of diatribe. I was trying to piece together what issues she possibly has, but I've given up figuring her out. My Dad basically has no relationship with most of his family, and I didn't want to believe that my situation with my sister and I would become like that, but it will have to.
  2. I live with our Dad, she lives alone. I'm 34, she's 40. I don't really have friends irl. I'm introverted, she's not. I don't receive any support from her.
  3. She seems hellbent on trying to break me, and after a decade and a half she still hasn't. Other than that, she hasn't accomplished much and has this odd fixation on me either forging ahead of her or being completely stuck like her. The former just for the hope of me failing and settling for my current existence that's on par with hers - she's never really been the supportive type even though she lies and says she would support me. By the way, I've never called her a loser to her face.
  4. We were having a good day. But after running errands for 2 and a half hours, she asked me a question (something small), I answered. My intent was to reassure her that the question she asked and the concern it involved (which she had already brought up twice before), was no big deal. To preface, I mentioned to her the week before that she knew I wasn't a very good communicator, especially in regards to small talk. So, she knows exactly what she's dealing with. However, my response (something like "I'll get it later, I'll be nearby") struck her in a certain way that she felt was too aggressive and she met that perceived aggression with the statement "I'm just asking a question" in a very accusatory tone. I had no interest to start an argument with my sister; it is not fun, it is not safe considering that we were in a car (hers), it is not worth while (I gain nothing by fighting a... loser). Why would she expect me to want to do this out of the blue? Hoping to break the ice, I asked "are you okay?" Maybe I was a tad sarcastic with that response, but even still I had legitimate concerns about her own well-being. She flew off the handle at that point. Then, she would accuse me of gaslighting. I found that claim to be a damnable one, so I shut down from that moment. I only played along with the assumption that all is well between us whenever we would interact with others in public and certainly in front of our Dad. But when I stayed in the car as she left to go inside, she harshly questioned my decision to do so, and when she thought she was out of earshot, she was quite verbal about me in ways that I kinda am glad I couldn't clearly hear all of what she would say. I've mentioned my issues with her in the past and it stuns me how long I've been in this dynamic. Maybe it's easy to forget when I rarely come here these days. I now spend every weekend walking on eggshells hoping to have a good time with a 40 year old racist* loser all because my Dad thinks it's good for what's left of our family. I've had vivid machinations of violent repercussion on her, then figured she's not worth it. I thought about getting a restraining order just now until I get the one way flight out of town, but that's not how it works. I do believe it's basically now or never in terms of getting the hell out of this life and into a single life states away on my own. Any tips on what to do in the time being? How to avoid her? How to prepare for the shoestring, flash move? *-a previous incident also involving her behind the wheel, I witnessed her getting honked at by someone trying to enter a driveway she bogarted and she screamed a very anti-White (we're Black) and fatshaming thing at the interracial couple in the other car. It's really embarrassing looking back at it.
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