cheriex333

I think this is day 13 of NC. I sent you a check to cover the cost of the concert tickets but I know you probably won't cash it. I hope you do though, it'll make me feel better thinking that I don't owe you anything. Also have that song stuck in my head: Do you ever think about me? Do you ever cry yourself to sleep? In the middle of the night when you awake Are you calling out for me? Do you ever really miss? I can't believe i'm acting like this I was crazy How I still can feel your kiss It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours Since you went away Yea yea... I miss you so much and I don't know what to say I should be over you I should know better but it's just not the case It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours Since you went away Do you ever ask about me? Do your friends still tell you what to do? Everytime the phone rings, Do you wish it was me calling you? Do you still feel the same? Or has time put out the flame? I miss you... Is everything ok?

Every single night since the BU I've dreamed about you, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!! I cannot have a break. This morning I woke up at 4:44 a.m. confused and then in tears when I realized it was JUST A DREAM. In the dream you took my hands and we were dancing like old times. In all the dreams we're together. I'm at work now and I keep on crying. Good thing I can close the office door otherwise it'll be so embarrassing. Anyways I did our birth chart just to see and they all say the same negative things...violence, unfaithfulness, lies. Maybe it's better that we ended before it spiraled to that. We already had the violence and lies, no need for unfaithfulness as well. God - Help me I am struggling so much today.

I'm sad today. Why were you so dang nice in the post break-up? I cried when I saw the tickets and massage certificates you left in my car. You returned the rest of my belongings and put it in my car because I did not want my family to see a pile of stuff in our patio. It was good that we didn't see each other. I also read a lot about Virgo men and how they're crazy/controlling/critical. I don't think you were crazy or controlling, but definitely critical and commitment phobic. I'm beginning to forget exactly why we broke up exactly. I think it had to do with you always criticizing me, and saying I demanded too much and took advantage of you. I really introspected within myself and I disagree. I want a commitment, after almost two years, I think it's reasonable. Plus, all the promises that were not kept. Never had I been with anyone that drove me to such insanity. You somehow twisted all the situations to my fault. You know, like the times when your "friend" cursed me out and somehow it's my fault for not wanting to be around that bi t c H! Good thing I wrote it all down. I'm very emotional today with a heavy heart. I miss you a lot.

Bleh I'm feeling really pissy like I'm going through some kind of drug withdrawal. Wish this week would just end already. Fast forward to Friday and the weekend. I don't even care or want you back but I keep checking that dang phone 24/7. Perhaps I should just leave it at home or put it away. When will this get better? The other breakups were not this painful...except the one from 2007 that was a trip down depression and panic attack lane. This time around I'm just very angry, so very very upset that I wasted so much time, effort, money, and hopes on you. YOU who could not follow-through on your promises. How can a 40yo man be so immature and not have his life together? How do you spend $30k of your savings within a year and blame it on ME? I suppose it wasn't because you did NOT know how to save, and you spent frivalously on rounds of drinks for your friends or sending your sister money every month. How DARE you accuse me of taking advantage of you? WHAT DID YOU EVEN HAVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF? Please, get outta here. Not one mention of ALL the stuff I did for YOU AND YOUR FAMILY! Without me you'd have receding gums and probably have all your teeth fall out. GAH I don't know what's gotten into me but I am just so hateful today. I shudder looking over the posts I've wrote because they're quite vengeful. I should have NEVER dated you in the first place. What a waste of opportunity that I could have spent dating other men, men of quality and accomplishment...not insecurity and criticism. Oh and I still remember that time you pushed me away from the fridge and threw money in my face. Who the heck do you think you are? Yeah so I ripped up your cash, don't you ever disgrace me by flaunting your cash like you're so much better. I don't care if you make more, please, you ain't nothing but a faker.

Day 11 NC Eventhough we exchanged a few txts yesterday, they were necessary to arrange the retrieval of my belongings. You were cordial and seemed okay (it was only via txt but still). I kept it short only discuss the logistics. This morning I was in RAGE, and I mean I was imagining taking a baseball bat to your head and to that stupid friend of yours...you know who. I want to bash her head to the cement ground and kick her in the face until she dies. I know this is so ungodly of me, but I can't help feel such rage. I recalled all the times you lied to me and made me feel betrayed, although you never cheated (that I knew of), you broke my trust so much that I want to punch you in the face and knock you out. I have that much animosity towards you! Then why oh why do I miss you? I feel somewhat crazy or bipolar. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm teary eyed or my face is bright red with anger. I wish I could take a pill and be normal and happy cheery again. Screw you! You 40 year old, grumpy, incompetent, cynical, critical, ungrateful, p.o.s. I hope you'll realize just how good I was to you, and how you messed up bad.

Okay well I broke NC but not TRULY bc it had to do with my family member and it was an answer to a question (although not pressing), but I don't like involving my family in my relationships (esp failed ones). And the question was like from 2 days ago so I figured okay, should be civil bc I still need to get my stuff back. We have to at least arrange that, even if we don't see eachother face to face. I'm not sure if that msg even went through bc he did mention he was going to close out his old phone account and just use the one from work. I feel really annoyed at everyone and everything and I think men are stupid idiots!! There are NO GREAT MEN! I'm beginning to give up on online dating too...too interview-like. I want to go on a tropical vacation, or just go somewhere FAR from here. Far from everyone and every annoying person. My family's issues are also taking a toll on me and I wish I could just escape somewhere else. I wish I was rich enough to afford my own place in the city near work.

I feel such disdain when I think of you...which is pretty much constantly still. The thought of you makes me sick and I want to gag. You ignorant, ungrateful, unhappy, critical, son of a beee*****tch.

Day 10 of NC I dream about you every night and cannot sleep well. You suck!

I want to txt you back SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO friggin bad. I got baptized today! My close friends were there, but I was a little sad that you weren't. I wish you were there during such a big event in my spiritual life, something I had been wanting to do for so long. Also went to go get my left ear cartiladge pierced. I don't know why I did it...figured it looks edgy so why not. I miss you so much today. Probably that sucky date last nite made me think of you more. The guy was 30m late, didn't offer to pay for the movie (first date) and was just lame in general. I had ZERO attraction and all I wanted to do was get drunk and go home and sleep. I wonder if you miss me and think of me right now. I was really hoping you'd call me to congrats about my baptism. Did you even see me online streaming? I need God to help me get through this tough time bc I am so not myself. This is much much much harder than I thought it would be. I want to move on yet I want you back. I wish you would go to therapy and fix your issues. I don't even know if it was me who broke up with you or if it was mutual. I think I suggested it and you agreed. Sigh...I was not a bad gf, why couldn't you see all the things I did right? You didn't appreciate me anymore and you and I both knew it. I always loved you and did not focus on your faults (and you had a loooot of annoying habits). I wish God would send me someone good for me. I feel so sad, hopeless, and depressed.

Well today is day 8 of NC You called 6 times yesterday from two different phones. I guessed the other number was yours bc they were all within the span of 30 minutes. I lied and told my family you were on a trip to cali bc I didn't feel like dealing with questions. One of my fam members txted you to say hi and I guess ask when you're coming back. You txted to ask me how long you're suppose to be in cali for and I didn't reply. I suppose I could have...but what's the point? I really don't care if my family finds out we broke up, they would eventually anyways. I must admit it felt kind of good to see your missed calls. Although I felt sad that you had nothing else to say except in reference to your imaginary stay out of state. Last nite was a lot of fun with my friends and catching up, talking/venting about stupid exes. All my girl and guy friends thought you're an idiot. Why make such a big deal out of a few thousand bucks, seriously!

I'm not angry anymore, just..empty. It has been a full 7 days since we had any contact. I wish I could fast forward time and be with someone else, someone better. Why were you so blind to all the things I did right? All you could see were my faults. You have faults too but I overlooked them, I accepted you. How can anyone live up to your ideal expectations? I don't want you back, but I do miss you. Sarangi anya, igeom sarangi anya. This is not love, no this cannot be love.

I've been listening to this song non-stop like literally almost every waking moment at work, eating, commuting, walking, bathroom...lol. Hello by Red Roc The words that I said last night baby don't cry I won't hold onto you anymore, so now it's bye bye I'll leave you in this sad drama and I let you go would you believe me one last time? once opon a time little by little, my love became more distant No longer does the word love have any meaning to us you know girl, you know that I love you spending this day without you it's too hard to bear The day when I left you behind ( I wanted to turn around, but ...) I'm sorry, I must be getting tired of myself with my insufficient love, yeah yeah yeah I can't hold you again (I wanted to turn around, but ...) i'm happy, now that our love has passed , I don't want to hold onto you again .. hello hello hello hello hello hello Like that first day we met I want to love you once again, but... hello hello hello hello hello hello Like a fool, I can't go back to you who I once loved .. Staying up all night i'm in agony over my choice to let you go There's nothing I can do for you because for me only being able to watch you is more difficult I won't ask you to understand me (You're a coward) even if you curse at me like this, I have nothing to say This isn't enough for our sad love I'll stop it now (long ago the promise I made to you) In all of my love songs, you're breathing, ooh yeah

Well it's day 6 today and I find myself keep checking the phone. This is the longest we've gone without contact. I was pretty sure he'd call/txt by now but I guess not. Oh well, I have zero urge to contact. Have some plans for the weekend. I feel like I have two personalities, sometimes I'm really excited about all the new activities/people I'm meeting and then sometimes I just feel really really lonely and yearn for the old life...just being lazy, cuddling and watching tv.

I don't know why the No Contact challenge is only posted in "Getting Back Together". Well here's to Day 1. Mentally it feels like it has been several days bc we only exchanged several words. I HATE HIM!!!! I WISH HE WOULD GO FAR FAR AWAY! Looking forward to a weekend away with my girl friends. Just a few hours without constantly thinking about IT.

Blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!