Kev0s1983

What the actual f*ck. Drive 40 odd miles away, have a nice meal, sit on a bank overlooking the beach and you walk past... Why arent you in work? Why would you pick today of all days? Why would you make a fair bit of noise - so I could notice you and your buddy?? Was close to messaging you. I wont because it hasnt changed anything. Just a coincidence. An annoying one.

The last day when I drove you to port and you walked onto the ship crying, I stayed strong and honestly did not feel too bad. I think I was deluding myself from reality. Not thinking that you would be gone for four months. The delusion was short-lived and I drunk so heavily because I was lost without you. For the first time in years I allowed someone in, that someone was you. Unhealthily I depended on your love and you being the recipient of my own solely placed on you. No family members had received any of my affections for years nor would I allow myself to accept their love. Thus, you got it all. I too unknowingly demanded the same from you. Learning about a healthy 'normal' life comprising of elements of each major aspect of one has shown to me how messed up I was. When you left, my world literally fell apart as the meaning I had given my life was to love you. You became my meaning. I didnt know baby. I didnt realise what I was doing and how messed up I was. Lying to you when you told me you were worried about my drinking. Would sit on the chair outside where we would sit, watch the water, listen to music as I stroked your hair just you werent there and I would get drunk, cry - rinse repeat. Then the day came when you were back. I could see you on the ship so excited, literally jumping up and down and you jumped into my arms and I held you. I dont know why but I felt numb. I felt so strange. Perhaps I couldnt allow myself to feel and be happy you were back for feeling you may leave again. Started pretty well. We went to dinner with your mum and whats her face, Kim I think and I drove us. Wasnt drinking. You were proud. It wasnt long. The mayweather fight. That was the start of the end. I got so drunk and ed it up. Broke your heart and you ended it. I got you back but it wasnt the same. I couldnt stop drinking. For a few weeks I have felt over you and this morning, tears. Searching in my heart for answers knowing in my mind the right thing to do is to let you go and not go over this old ground. It wont matter what I have learnt and how I understand so much more. It is too late. Paying the price for my behaviour is appropriate and right. Perhaps there is an energy and I am somehow giving it to you through thinking about all this. Perhaps you feel it. Would give anything to hold you this morning, kiss the top of your head as I used to whilst you cling into me enveloped by my arms. I hope you are happy, you are a beautiful person and deserve it.

Many times I have wanted to find a way, a method to fix what I broke. To pick up the intangible pieces of what I remember viewing as special and sacred, glue them together seamlessly. As days progressed into weeks and weeks to months one truth never left my mind. I had irrepressibly damaged you and us. For a long time you had taken the role of bystander and painfully witnessed as I attempted to throw myself away, drowning in my own self-pity, resentments, bitterness and I was good at it. Really good at it. As my addiction progressed I became more and more willing to throw everything away. The willingness was not a coherent decision. I was lost in my own world. One occupied with insecurities, delusion and self-hatred. One of my favourite sayings “drunk kev has ruined it again for sober kev”. I shake my head at this. Were sober kev able to be truthful, drunk kev should never have existed. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see anything. I was very sick and my mind was a total mess. I dragged you along for the turbulent and sh*tty ride you never asked to be a part of. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop the ride or let you off either. My ambition, drive and purpose had vanished. I had two things in life, you and booze. I treated you appallingly, I take full responsibility for our demise. The actions and words I enacted and spoke were crazy. The fun had long since gone and I was gripping on so tight terrified that I was losing you. I would talk of marriage and eighty odd kids in an effort to tie you down. I had nothing in life aside from you and booze. When I went to AA last year, I truly wanted to get better, I did. I wanted so badly to get sober. But it wasn’t quite right for me. Perhaps the timing wasn’t right, the posting was not conducive to me staying sober but the simple answer is, I chose to drink and to excess again. *******, I am so sorry for losing myself in alcohol and for putting you through what I did. There will be so many times you would have been hurting I am not and never will be aware of. I realise there is nothing I could possibly say to make it better or right, further, I have wanted to write this for a long time. But knew all too well, my motivation for doing so would be questioned and I told you I wouldn’t contact you again. I know I have contacted you again, for that I am sorry, it won’t happen again. I just feel that time enough has passed for me to try to make amends. An important aspect of recovery is to be willing to do so. This will be tarnished as I said something similar last year. Last year I did not work my programme properly or honestly. You are the second person on the list I have been willing to make amends to. The first is the man writing this.

Feeling dangerously like I am feeling quite healed from this. Enough to pen an apology and almost convince myself it is devoid of motives to do anything other than express regret for my behaviour and say I am sorry. *almost* Having this NC has been absolutely beneficial. Needs to continue and I am quite sure you dont think I am a monster. A guy with an addiction hes working on kicking but not a monster. I do miss you, thats ok with me though. A natural reaction. Do want you to be happy and wish you well.

Something has changed in me. I have really begun to accept the end of us. AT LAST. I am treating it as a death - totally final. It makes it easier. I do feel bad for my mistakes, truly bad - but I have done enough beating myself up. No more. Im grateful that we have not got to the stage of hurling abuse at eachother. I know I will miss you and possibly love you for a fair while yet but thats a prospect which I am ok with now. Its actually going to be ok. Im going to be ok. You used to say you never wanted any of this, I look at it all feeling that it needed to happen. It needed to happen for me to be able to get the drive to make the changes I needed to make. Not for us as thats too late, but for me and my life. Thats what it has come to, its about me. Just as you do you, Im doing me. I need to and am enjoying it. Went on a hike today and flirted with a girl from Vietnam for a solid two hours. I dont think I felt a single pang of guilt or of you either. That is a huge step forward and the great thing is, I actually feel genuine attraction to this girl. She is smart and driven with a lot of grounded views, abundance of morals and cute. Self-respect, self-love, I had zero when we broke up. Today I have bucketloads. So proud and pleased with how I have reacted from this breakup. Going to be speaking with Groves this week at some stage to look into starting a business. The future is so bright, I want yours to be awesome and for your next man to treat you better than I did. Thank you for not contacting me on my birthday. It hurt but it was much easier dealing with any form of contact. Goodbye princess x

I have been doing much better in the last week or so. Almost fool myself Im ready to nonchalantly stride to your door, give a quick rap on your door and have a big smile plastered on my face. How could you resist!? The old me you knew!! But jesus, we havent spoken in two an a half months, just because I am prepared and psyched myself up and put myself in a good spot, hardly means that magically you will be receptive and immediately fine, willing to even speak let alone be happy to see me. Right? Right. No guarantees of anything. Shall maintain my dignity and my distance. I do miss and love you dearly but I also have begun to really start caring for me now also. A work in progress and one that must continue. I really love the notion that everything happens for a reason and if our paths cross again then so be it, if not, I have taken a huge amount away from this episode in life. Has been a big benefit despite the hurt and turmoil. It would be so good to show you the improvements, but then if you are meant to see them and learn of them, you will. Trying to be the best me I can be and not doing too bad a job at it. Miss you gorgeous girl x

Went to a political discussion last night, wouldnt have been your thing but was good to do something other than the meetings I have been smashing. Had it in mind to knock on your door, light heartedly give you a small easter egg and say happy easter. It was an excuse. Over two months of NC and I am healing. I have my bad moments but they are spacing out - thank god. I go over what I could do to try and salvage you and me but the truth is, I can DO nothing (at least not directly). Well, not directly in terms of YOU. I have been looking after me. Still running, still eating healthy as, still gym-ing, yet missing you. Thats ok. Thats normal. The more time that goes along the more it is becoming clear this really is it. Thats both liberating (to a small extent) and disheartening. I recognise and understand more and more the benefit of NC. I further acknowledge the importance of just leaving you the hell alone. Have numerous quotes which have resonated, I love you but have to do so as a stranger. Got to give you space. This space will be indefinite. I wont contact you. It might be the case we are put together in the future through mutual friends, perhaps Steve coming back - who knows. I struggle at night, absolutely adored how my frame would envelope and protect you. Hold you tight and lovingly. It is so natural for me to question if you even care anymore, miss me etc. I wont delude myself into thinking even if you do, it is not enough to prompt action. You are strong willed girl. We share a common trait there :) I know that in time, this distance will be healthy. Perhaps we will reconnect one day but that day is many many months away. Probably more and thats if it occurs anyway. I didnt mean to break your heart baby. Everything happens for a reason though and I now have what I needed (the kick up the behind) to sort my life out. Im so sorry it took the end of us for me to have clarity. But it is what it is. I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and so on. Stay special gorgeous girl X

Got a new phone today. Synced it with itunes on my mac and yea, when i went into photos, old ones popped up and it had to be that photo. So much happiness and it has brought me down. Do you miss me? Am I still in your thoughts? Miss you like crazy.

It really does suck. We work on the same base and probably seen/driven past/behind each other fifteen times in two months? I am really finding it hard to come to terms with this is where I find myself and where we have got to. She has made her decision and there is not a thing I can say to alter where we are. Just walk away and heal. I could write "If in the future our paths cross..." But know I will probably be berated for entertaining hope. Hope is something I want to let go of and simultaneously do not. I even find myself overtaking cars to put distance between us and she follows, at speed. Its almost as though its a game yet we both dont know the rules? Am I trying to outrun her? Is she trying to say "Im still here and you cant shake me off?" - I dont have answers to questions that I realise should not matter but to me, they do.

Really getting frustrating when you are driving behind me. Surely it cant happen as often as it does ? What the hell. I dont get why it has to be this way. I lie. I do. I dont know why I was such a frigging idiot. I want to contact you so bad.

It is seven weeks since you ended us. In fairness it was the correct move. Enough was enough. Why has it today been especially difficult? I believe because I was quite sure you would have reached out by now. You have not. Will you? I dont honestly know. I dont honestly know if i would/could take you back now anyway. I suspect it would be the same for you. Much more time needs to pass and if our paths cross again sorta thing right? I was so close to searching online today, ALMOST stalked you and him but I did not. I held strong, I am so proud I did. What if I found something, anything, what if I did not find something, anything. Dissecting all this gives me a serious headache - so stop? If it could be that easy. I felt I was doing great, I am doing great, accept the good times and the bad. I wish I could walk to your place and knock on the door for you to greet me with watery eyes, embrace me. Maybe nothing would be spoken, nothing would need to be spoken. I miss you a great deal baby. Was giving serious thought to looking at downloading that putrid thing tinder this weekend. I guess I will wait until Easter. That isnt so long to wait. Still running ever day. I wish you could see me, looking better than I guess you would have seen me in a long time. you would have seen the photo on facebook as you are buddy buddy with jess. You didnt like it. Im glad. You are still friends with steve too - now that is a head scratcher! God damn it, stop analysing. Bad day. Just let it go. Let you go. Walk away and keep your dignity is what I know to be the best thing I can do and AM doing it. Just finding it very difficult today.

I said to trust my gut in regards to you and him. I remember saying "give her more credit than that" but yesterday on my news feed his profile pic changed to one of you and him, not embraced but sufficiently close to ... To what? Indicate? Suggest? It shouldnt matter, it doesnt matter. But it does matter to me. I cant help that. As more time passes I am learning how much relief you must feel from being out of you and me. For what its worth Im sorry. I made my mistakes. On a happier note, life has been constructive for me. I dont need to tell you how much better I look, you can see that. As for the other positives, they dont really concern you anymore do they? Im sure you probably do care, somewhere inside of you. Im so proud of taking the less trodden path this time. It hasnt been easy but it is really proving worthwhile. Further, the path has become one I look forward to. I hope he treats you right, treats you better than I did. It has made moving on easier being out of contact. - I wont forget that.

As can be seen from the date at the top of this page, it has been some time since we parted ways. Originally I was of the mind that you were crazy or hadnt thought it through enough. Upon having some time since then, it has become clearer to me that those two descriptors are more apt for me. You would have been going through and experiencing conflict within your mind a lot, ever since last year I am sure. Just when we were together and I was not drinking, it was pretty damned good. It was never even a possibility to me that we would part ways. Due to the alcohol I was not living in reality, rather a world of blur & delusion. Whilst it was easy for me to cast view/opinion and judge another, I was unable to see my own errors - numerous, large and frequent. As someone who has a problem with alcohol, living in a world seperate to one which is real became common. Hence the disbelief when you called & told me enough was enough - I was AMAZED. I believe I said something like “you got used to the real quick, or sooner & easier than me” - but of course! Ofcourse you would have. Every time alcohol created an issue, I eroded another part of us, your hope, faith & trust in me. I was again oblivious. Totally blinded. You would been going through a terrible time and I was totally unaware - too caught up in drinking. I would say “drunk me has ed it again!” when I was sober, as if to dispel my responsibility - the fact is, if ‘sober kev’ faced reality & fact, “drunk kev” would never have had chance to be borne out again. That was something I was unable to do. I couldn’t even fathom that until a few days after we last spoke. You would have fought for me many many MANY more times than I will ever know. To friends, family… Anyone. Backed me up, stuck up for me & decree that I was changed. I let you down countless times & in the process removed a little more hope & faith. There was a moment when you gave me an ultimatum & I can see this as a large turning point. You tried so hard to help me, support me but I could not see the reality or imminence of anything. When posted in Sydney I lost my sense of purpose, my bearings, my dreams, focus and aspirations. I became more and more unhappy being away from you and drunk more and more in turn making me more and more unhappy. You became my therapist - not my partner. I have managed to accept & reconcile that I became a terrible partner to you, behaved unimaginably badly which would have brought you to tears more than I know. We shared special times, memories I will treasure but equally, I really hurt you. The purpose of this small letter is to acknowledge how badly I ed up and own my actions/inactions. I can never undo what has gone before and take away the hurt/damage I have caused you. I would give anything to be able to. Anything. I am so sorry.

Watched an awesome show last night in the city. Perth orchestra with George Michael covers and was cool as. At the end there was a firework display that was off the chart. Couldnt stop thinking how much you would have loved it. Spoke to Damo on drive back and decided I would write you a letter. I would knock on your door and explain what it was but that I wanted to read it to you. Spoke at length and Damo was convinced it was a good idea also. But then, the emotions that would be there when I would read it to you... Thats if you even let me. Slept on it and after my run this morning decided it was a bad idea. Met Damo for green tea and when I explained why, he agreed. Just a ty situation. During my surf lesson this morning a random tapped me on the shoulder, it was Jamie! My sponsor from last year. He convinced me I needed to go to a meeting and I went. I had forgotten step 8 about making amends to those we had done harm to. You were always proud when I went last year. I couldnt understand why, I always felt you would be ashamed. I will keep going. Have this image in my head, this scenario where I knock on your door, you open it and are surprised its me. I hand you a bag with some clothes you left for new years in adelaide, Im going there for easter as obviously, not seeing your mum in the Goldy. I hand it to you but dont let go, pull you close and just give you a hug. kiss the top of your head and whisper "Im sorry". Then leave. haha movie drivel I know but right now it makes sense. I will sleep on it and probably bin the idea hey I hope you are happy and have your trip planned out. Oh, and I broke my toe surfing today too ;) pretty smooth. x

I take full and complete responsibility for where we find ourselves today - that is not having anything to do with eachother. The entire relationship you gave 100% you tried so so hard and pushed through, stood up for me when perhaps you would have been best to leave sooner. You would have fought for me more times than I know, you wanted so much for me to see the light before it was too late but I just couldnt do that. I cannot blame 'drunk me' for ruining 'sober me', that doesnt cut it. If sober me was a better man he would not have allowed drunk me to even exist. I couldnt see what has become so clear. I thought I understood when I spoke to you a month ago. I truly thought I got it. But it hasnt been until the reality of where we now are has sunk in that I get it. I have broken you time and time again because I wasnt man enough to admit to my problems and issues. I wasnt man enough to become the man you deserved, the sober man you fell in love with. I take total responsibility for the failed relationship. We were rock solid or we would have been forever had I just seen the damage I was doing. I would delude and avoid the truth because I was a dependent, selfish coward. I know that these words cant take back or make amends, they can only attempt to convey that I get it. Im disgusted with myself. I miss you constantly but love you enough to know if I can do anything right by you, it is to leave you alone. X