I am 31 years old and I just don't want to be here anymore. Ever since I can remember I have been praying to die. I have been abused in every possible way by the people that were supposed to love me the most. Now that I am married I thought that I could put all of that behind me. My husband treats me badly. He hits me the way my father did. Choking me around my neck slamming my head up against walls. He verbally abuses me to. He cheated on me and he acts like he is very proud of it. He told me that he knows he can do it again and I will never leave him. He and the women he cheated on me with are still in contact. They call me and laugh at me because I am hurt and he says so what get over it. He also tells me daily that he does not want to be with me he wants a divorce. He has the resouces to get one but wont. I am believing that he says this to hurt my feelings. I really dont want to get divorced because I love him. Maybe I am stupid. I don't trust him or anyone else, because when I do people always end up using me and treating me badly. I am a good person with a good heart and I always treat people with respect and love. I just wish someone could love me. That's all I ever wanted was someone to love me. Love me not for what they can get from me or what I can do for them. I have some many times put people ahead of my own needs only to have them spit in my face. Maybe God does not want me or want me either that is why he hasn't answered my prayer. I was a little girl praying for him to take me away and he never did. He made me go through all that pain and now I am hurting again. I would be lying if I told you that I have not attempted suicide. I am thiunking about it right now. I am tired of people using me and yelling at me and treating me as if I have no feelings. My husband said that he has better things to do than worry about my stupid little feelings. Maybe my father was right..I was never gonna amount to anything. I should just end it myself and make everyone happier.
