A James Z

Benson, It is hard to say if she will ever realize. She is very young right now (so are you) and she has no point of comparison. Maybe down the line if she dates a lot of duchebags she will realize what she lost, but by that time you will have moved on, so it wont matter, right? About the story you mentioned, I can only guess, but the guy was probably scared of committing and thought perhaps there is something more for him out there in the world, although he still loves his girl. This could also be what’s going on in your situation. And even from personal experience. It’s scary to meet someone you really like because you are thinking about other opportunities you might be missing. I want to travel the world and be free to meet and have sex with other girls. When I went to Europe and Brazil many girls wanted to hook up and have sex, but if I have a girl I really loved, I wouldn’t want to do that to her, and thankfully I didn’t at the time. People without a lot of relationship or dating experience feel like they are “missing out.” Generally when you lose your virginity to someone that you really like, you want to make that turn into a lasting relationship. Yours went 2 years. But, you girl is still so young, maybe she is wondering what it would be like with another guy or maybe she just needs time alone to figure out what she really wants. Plus, like we had discussed before, she is probably very immature out relationships and how to delicately handle another’s feelings. Were you guys going to get married? And if so, did you ever discuss when? If you never planned on getting married, then you must have figured it would eventually end, right? So, if its going to eventually end, and she is starting to have doubts, then she is going to move on and try to experience new things. Its sounds like you guys got a little too comfortable for your age. And that’s a very common problem. I was 20 when I lost my virginity. Although my girl was the same age, she had slept with a lot of guys by the time she turned 20. She was basically a sex addict, and our relationship took off very fast with a lot of sex everyday. I was in heave, as you could imagine. But after 1.5 years things became routine. We started to argue, and eventually she got fed up with the situation and broke up with me. I was not ready for that, and I completely lost it. I could only think about how she was my first love, how I lost my virginity to her, and how I could never find anyone as good as her. But, since she was so addicted to sex, and because she had so many partners before me, I always had my doubts about her, and I never really wanted to get married to her or anything. In other words, I knew it would not last. But after we broke up all I could think about was how much I wanted her back, when really it was my chance to go on and experience new things. But that was before I found out about all the cheating she did on me, and how many guys she started sleeping with after she left me. At the time we were both in college in a small college town, and we had ALL the same friends. I had to look at her every time I went out, and it broke my heart. All the stuff I learned about her was totally disgusting and I never want to see her again. She even started sleeping with my roommate at the time after we broke up! We haven’t spoken in over 4 years. So, perhaps now you can see your situation is not all that bad. You broke up with your first love, but that happens all the time. It could have been a lot worse and a lot more confusing. For your sake, just take the situation as she lost interest and move on. Don’t start digging and trying to find answers. That’s what I did. I thought she was cheating and I hacked her email and I found out more dirty little secretes than I wanted to know. Save yourself the heartache and just move on. You are really, really young and there are tons of interesting girls that will open your eyes about many sexually fascinating things. The girl I met right after my first love was into making video tapes, putting on lingerie, and would do all sorts of crazy things with me. Basically whatever I wanted she would do. Wouldn’t you rather find someone like that, than a cold fish like your ex? Take time for yourself, grieve your loss, and then GO MEET SOME FINE GIRLS AND HAVE FUN!

I have never had a functional relationship. I am 24 and I have been involved in 2 longer-term relationships (both 1.5 years) that ended very badly. This 3rd relationship, which was not even half as long, was with someone I truly care about, and I am just trying to figure out what went wrong. In retrospect of the first two relationships, I find a common thread. They both started extremely fast and without much chance to really get to know the person first. Of course, we learned about each other during the course of the relationship, but I think the ultimate cause for failure was not having the proper skills to manage a relationship that moves faster than each person is willing or ready to handle. Perhaps the third time is the charm, because finally I think I understand what went wrong. I again rush head-long into something I was not prepared for. By taking the relationship too fast, I became involved with the “relationship”, but not the person who I was in the relationship with. Activities within my life that were important before the “relationship” began to take a backseat. I had many important things going on in my life, such as preparing for the MCAT, my friends and family, and my pastimes. The fact that I moved so quickly and was so willing to give up my personal space was alright at first, but soon became overwhelming to my significant other. I feel like if I had taken it slow, where we could have had enough time to gently ease into each other’s lives, a bond would have formed that would have naturally lent itself to both of us desiring to be in a serious relationship. However, whenever you jump the gun, serious implications will follow, if not soon then later, which is evident by the dysfunctional nature of my pervious two relationships. I like to think of life as a cake, and relationships are the icing on the cake. You do not scrape off and only eat the icing, but enjoy the cake as a whole. Life is much the same. We were both caught up by the speed with which we were moving, and when it came time for her to focus more on her life, I was left carrying the extra weight of the relationship. We were both moving fast, but as she slowed, I continued forward. I began to get confused and upset that she was not continuing at the same speed. My lack of understanding of how proper relationships work led me to believe she was becoming more distant. Although her feelings may have never changed, in my mind it seemed like I was being taken for granted and that she would rather spend time with her friends than with me. Instead of just realizing that we were going too fast, and we needed to slow down, I began to get lost in my insecurities about her lack of interest in the relationship, a relationship that I had become too involved in before its due time. I guess I just have to make my own mistakes and learn the lessons for myself -- no one can really tell me what to do. I do not want to be in a relationship before its due time. I do not want her back in a relationship. I want to start again, and I want to start very, very slow, so I can understand the dynamics of how relationships are really supposed to work. Maybe this is why girls like older men. Young guys make so many stupid mistakes. When we broke up she said she did not want to be in a relationship, but she said she wanted to see me and still talk with me. I got upset when I heard she did want to be in a relationship, and I told her I could not be with her like a friend. I was kind of harsh and I was mad. I latter called her back and left a message on her voice mail (she didn’t pick up) and told her I was sorry about getting mad and that I would talk with her soon. I also sent a text saying I felt bad and I cared about her. She sent a text back saying she felt bad too, and that she really needs this right now and that she misses me. We broke up a few days ago. I am just trying to give her time and space right now. I am planning to send a text after New Years and just say, “I hope you had a good holiday.” Then a few days later try to get her to talk with me and give her a letter stating the points I made in this post. I also was thinking about not giving the letter and slowly trying to get back in her life, and show her that I can respect her space without telling her all of this stuff. I would text and call every once in a while, and maybe try to get together to watch some TV if things go well, and see where it goes from there. What do you guys think? Would a girl like to receive a letter like this?

Don’t you wish we had that machine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so we could just erase our exes from memory? Hey man, you defiantly aren’t alone. I really distrust and hate women sometimes. It always seems like us good guys fall for the wrong girls and we are left broken and bleeding in the aftermath of their selfishness. I am 24, and I had 2 bad breakups, once at 21, and another at 23. They were so tough on me, I could barely take it. Nights and days of crying, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and so on. All I can tell you is keep posting, keep calling friends, and work out all the issues from every angle. It helps so much to talk it out. Two days ago my girl dumped me, over the phone of course. I loved her, but never told her. I felt a wall between her and I. I was open emotionally and she was not. Eventually the differences in our feeling for one another clashed. Although isn’t as bad as my other breakups, I thought we could really have something in the future. I think what you should do is get on some antidepressants. That helped me with the obsessive feelings. Some people don’t like those, but they helped me. I took Zoloft for 3 months. It didn’t totally mellow me out, but I really had to want to cry in order to cry. But letting all those emotions out helped, and the Zoloft put me in a state of emotional limbo until I could find myself again. After 3 months I was able to pull myself together and meet someone new. That’s the key, get out there and find someone else. Yeah, you don’t feel very happy right now, and you think you wont ever find one like that last, but its really not true. Sure, in the process you will meet girls that are not compatible to you, but you have to know where to look and you have to know what you are looking for. The bad thing with us guys is we got too wrapped up in our past relationship, and we have trouble in general meeting girls, as least I do. Girls have it easy when on the rebound, they can meet a new guy the second they walk in a bar or a club. Guys have it much harder. I plan to go to a speed dating thing next week, and I am trying to get some of my friend’s girlfriend to set me up with someone they know. Anyway you can, I say find someone new and try to enjoy your time with them. I hope some of this helped, I cant totally relate to you situation, because you lived with her so long, you have kids, and she is acting so unbelievably cold to you. Its going to be a long process, and I think you know that. You just have to do it in your own time. But just know, you are strong enough to overcome it. You have no idea what state I was in during my worst hours. I was absolutely hysterical about. On the floor hysterical. Drink and doing drugs, obsessively calling about 50 times a day. Really, someone should have locked me up! No joke. So if I can get over it, so can you! Good luck, take care.

No problem man. Even within the depression you feel, you still have a very clear mind, and that’s great! Even though you love her, and your heart is in the right place, the ultimate goal in your life should be to obtain the greatest amount of satisfaction and happiness you possibly can obtain. Never place ALL your hope and faith in someone else. The reason for this is you have a mental image of your perfect somebody. And when you devote yourself entirely to someone else, there is no way for them to live up to the ideal standard you have set in your mind. They feel unable to live up to your standards and they get scared and drop the ball, which is your heart. Life shouldn’t be this way, but it is. You should be able to love and be love unconditionally. But people feel pressure from what is expected of them, and it is much easier to run away than to face what they feel are their inadequacies. I am sure you never pressured her to be anything other than herself, but maybe she still felt pressure from you. That is why you must look for someone that can satisfy you and meet whatever needs you have without there being a struggle to do so. You know what you want, and apparently, from what I can tell, it’s the complete opposite of your ex! That’s interesting, isn’t it? You know what you want, but still you lower your standards. You knew you would be hurt by this one, but you didn’t care. That’s fine though, you made a mistake and you can learn so much from this. But, now you know, don’t let someone who isn’t right for you walk all over you again. Believe me, I made your same mistake twice, and they hurt REAL bad. Don’t beat yourself up. Collect your thoughts in these forums, go out with friends, and the right girl will find her way to you. Never change who you are, but you should change your outlook on relationships and love. There is a really good book if you care to take a look, its called “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz. Its REALLY good, and would be a good book to read with your next girlfriend. There is a lot of truth in there about how to act in a relationship and how to cultivate a lasting love. Maybe I should read it again, LOL. Take care.

That was very insightful. I totally understand what you are saying, but I think it all depends on the situation. From my point of view, and I could be wrong, but I feel when someone has wronged me so badly, I would rather hate than forgive. Yes, I know, it’s horrible to have hate in your heart. But honestly, I would never, ever, EVER call up my ex that cheated on me so badly and tell her that “I am sorry.” I don’t care if I ever loved her or if we had great moments together. All I see when I think about her is her selfishness and her immaturity. I will apologize when an apology is due, but not for the sake of producing positive energy. If love and forgiveness helps you get over your pain, then you should choose that route. But sometimes hate and blame is the force you need to extinguish your love. I am sure you know the feeling of both loving and hating someone at the same time. For me, I added hate to the equation and eventually the love went away. But, if you would rather add love, that’s great if you can really do it. You are probably a better man than I.

I have gone through 2 really bad breakups in my time. At the end of my first relationship, which lasted 1.5 years, I thought I would die. It was right before spring break in college and I spent the whole vacation with my parents writing a massive 7 paged letter explaining all the things I that went wrong, how I would fix them, and how great life could be if we gave it another shot. Well, she listened to it all, and still told me no. For the next couple weeks I tried to improve myself, working out (dropped 20 pounds), got contacts, focused on myself in the hopes she would see how great I was... still nothing. Later on I found out she had cheated on me during our relationship, and after we broke up she was sleeping with my roommate at the time and sleeping around with a lot of guys that I knew. I confronted her about the cheating, she eventually admitted to some of it, and I was sick to death for many months there after. But, I did NC and it got over it. Just before we graduated college she told me she was sorry, and I just blew her off. Exactly what you said, who needs friends like that, huh? My next relationship I met girl over seas in London. We had a long distance relationship for 1.5 years, when in the summer of 2005 I went to live with her for 4 months. She was Thai and she and all her friends were extremely beautiful. We would go out all the time, eat great food, and as you could imagine being in London with a great girl, I fell in love. But, there were many suspicions things going on, and eventually I found out she was working as a prostitute while I was living with her. I found this out when I got back, and became a total wreck. I was calling her like crazy, could not stop crying, turned to drugs and alcohol, and eventually got on antidepressants. Although we never officially stopped talking, I got over her in my own way, mainly by meeting other girls. Now, I find myself in the midst of a new break up, it happened yesterday. This girl was great. She was everything I wanted, but 2 weeks ago we started having problems. I wont go into the details, but you can look at my other posts if you like. And so now I find myself having to deal with this all over again. She told me she wanted to still be friends, to still see me, but she could not be in a relationship with me. So, where does that leave me exactly? Do I just wait around for her to summon me and come crawling back like a dog to spend a little time with her, at her convenience? Now that I mention “convenience” she was supposed to come over to my house to see me last night, but she was “too tired” so she broke up with me over the phone. She used the “too tired” excuses for anything she wanted to get out of, and I barely got to see her the last few weeks. I was catering to her convenience, and when ever she wanted to see me, that’s when she would, I had no say in the matter. So, if she calls, I will talk and be friendly, but she is the one that missed out on me. I will find a new girl asap, and if she comes back, I will make her work for it, and work for it hard. If she doesn’t want to put in the time, then I’ll see her later. I love her now, but my feelings will soon change. NC is really best rule. I am hoping she will come back begging, but she doesn’t seem like that kind of girl. Oh well. Oh, and I have also noticed, when girls get out of long term relationships they go crazy. My girl’s roommate just got out of a long term relationship and she was bringing guys home constantly. Think about that guys!!! Girls have a much easier time picking up losers in bars than we do, and why would we want to pick up some trashy girl anyway? So, as you are lying around thinking about only her, she is probably out there doing her own thing looking to fill her void any way she can, literally. Yeah, its gross, but it happens all the time. And as you can see it happened to me during my first relationship. Take time for yourself, do NC, get in shape, and do a speed dating thing or do something to meet other nice singles. While your girl is on the rebound make a lasting change in your life and meet someone truly worthy of YOU.

I know you said this was her first relationship, so what it sounds like she is doing is being immature with your feelings. And older girl, of say 27+, probably would not be acting like this, but in general girls can be very, very WEIRD! The girl I had been dating (age 24) had quite a few really bad relationships with dirt bag guys that didn’t treat her right. But, she stuck it out with them for a number of years, ended up getting really hurt, and she is now pretty much damaged goods. I too have had some pretty horrendous breakups with all sorts of cheating and lying and all that going on. I lost a lot of trust in women, until I found the girl who has just recently dumped me. We had something in common – really bad break ups. I told her that I would never cheat or lie to her, and I would always be honest with my feelings. She felt the same way, and our relationship took off very fast. Yet, moving too fast could have been our downfall. Even though I was the greatest guy she had ever been with, a couple weeks ago she wasn’t giving me time, and when I asked for more, she felt like I was pressuring her and she couldn’t deal with all that was going on in her life (there is more the story of course). Sometimes, you don’t even have to treat a girl bad for them to break up with you. You can even treat them TOO well, and their feelings can change. There is neither rhyme nor reason. I was literally the guy she had been looking for. She told me she never met anyone as good as me. But, it also seemed like she had self-esteem issues, because she would often tell me she felt like she was competing with me and that I was too good and too nice. I laughed it off saying that she only needed to be herself, because I liked everything about her, but girls dealing with low self-esteem, who get depressed often, are damaged goods, or are immature about relationships and love, can snap at any moment. To tell you the absolute truth, I never broke it off with a girl, ever. Even when that girl did something very horrible, I was willing to work it out. Even in my worst relationship we parted on good terms because we both knew her lifestyle was just too out of control for either of us to be together (long story). So, ask yourself: Did you really want to be with one the rest of your life? You are what, 22 years old? Man, there are so many great women out there that you can learn so much form. Yeah, having a steady girlfriend is great, especially for guys like us. I love to shower a woman with love and affection, and having great sex with someone you trust and care for is what its all about. I am not one to go out to bars and have one night stands. Sure, I have had them, but they make you feel really bad the next day if you never have a desire to call them. And, dating a girl for 1-2 months and having sex with them, only to find out you are not compatible is tough on you as well. That’s why taking things slow is really the key. Even if things are great in the first 6 months to even a year, if you don’t have a solid bond it could go at any moment, just like mine. I say, do the no contact and just let her go. Find another girl and do a little more screening before you get too serious. I have the bad habit of choosing girls that first choose me. If I meet a nice girl through some friends, and we end up kissing, I stop everything right there to pursue only her. And I am totally comfortable with moving fast, because ultimately I want a steady relationship as soon as possible, I hate waiting around. Even if she isn’t right, that’s my best option and I always take it. Maybe that’s what you did. She was young, a virgin, and you thought you could really have something together. But a girl with a lack of confidence and a lot of emotion issues needs time to grow for herself, and you really wont affect much by telling her how great she is, she needs to discover that for herself. I love my girl that dumped me, but this is my third hard break up, and I am starting to get used to it by now. I am going to do a speed dating thing in a week or two and try to go out and meet and talk with some new girls. You are finally free! Go have some more experiences, and let your girl figure herself out. I have never had a girl come back to me, but maybe you guys can work it out after you have had a couple flings. =) Good luck man.

Well, since its the holiday season you could say you brought a date for a New Years party or whatever. But you know your girl best. My problem is that I want to control things in my life that I really dont have control over. I cant leave something be, I always have to find a quick solution. And there are never quick solutions to problems in relationships that are complicated by emotions and outside influences. I am learning that people need their own time and their own space, and you cannot fix everything. If she really wants to be with you, hopefully she will overlook the bad and remember how great things were. I can only hope that what will happen to me. But, in the meantime I am going to go out and have fun. If my girl finds out I dated someone, then so be it, she was the one that broke up with me when I said I would try my best to fix things too. My actions will speak to her that I am not going to just wait around and sulk for her to come back. I will find happiness and live my life, while at the same time hoping that she will change her mind. You have the contact thing going pertty good for now. I am curious to see if I will even gets texts over the holidays. I was dumped 6 days before Christmas... what a drag. But I know of a girl I can call up and just have a good time with. I am not out for sex or another relationship, I just want to have fun and forget about the drama thats going on in my life. I hate it.

Ok, I will comment on you if you comment on me! LOL Actions always speak louder than words. Its one thing to tell someone you promise to change, and its another thing to SHOW them that you have indeed changed. Sending flowers and the sketch are good. It shows her how much you care, rather than just telling her, which you have been doing over and over and over since the breakup, I am sure. So, what you need is to figure out little ways to show her that you are more caring, more sensitive to her needs, and so on. I don’t know you, so I cant give you direct advice on that. I would not shower her with gifts or anything, but try to think of creative ways to shower how you feel and how you have made improvements in your life, as a result of the breakup. She gave you another chance, which is more than I ever got, so she really does care about you and by all her action it seems as if she is really confused. Perhaps her not wanting to see you in person means that she feels things are so emotional right now that she might lose herself and give you another chance, something which she feels would not be right for her at this point in time. At least she is initiating contact and is concerned when she doesn’t hear back from you. That means she gets worried and scared you might have found someone else. And, casually dating someone after a breakup is often what girls do to get back their boyfriends after they have been dumped. A friend of mine dated her man for 3+ years, but he would not treat her right or commit to her. She dumped him, casually dated someone for a few months, and he was begging to get her back. Now they are getting married and have twins on the way, and he is just ecstatic about the whole thing. Strange huh? Now, I am not telling you to go out and have sex with other girls to get your girlfriend back, but if you can go out for a date, and somehow it would innocently get back to your girl that she might be on the verge of losing you forever, she may get really freak out want to give it another try, OR she could get really upset and figure you have moved on. Then you would be in a bad spot trying to explain to her your little scheme or whatever. I don’t know you and the dynamics of your relationship, and how your girl would respond to something like that, just throwing it out there. But, if you stick this out a little longer and SHOW her that you have changed, maybe she will slowly come back in your life. As for me, my situation really sucks too. I would appreciate it if you could give me feedback on my situation. I know that there is not a whole lot people can really say, but it feels good to get other people's opinions of what is going on. Thanks a lot. By the way, I am under the Break up forum with the title Mr Right Seems to Always Get It Wrong! Your Thoughts? Good luck

I am with you, I got broken up with tonight too. I felt like I desperately needed to talk with friends as well. Luckily, my two best friends answered their phones. Man, it really sucks. My 3rd bad breakup, but I am dealing with this one better than the last two. You should have seen what crazy state I was in back then, very scary. Sucks youre town is so small. I would tell you to find a date asap. How dare our ex’s breakup with us before Christmas and New Years. If they are going to play us like that, screw them anyway. Go out to a bar and talk with some other girls, that always helps. I mean, you need grieving time too, but I usually snap out of it once someone else shows me interest. I have a place where I can meet some other girls on Christmas Eve, and I will be taking full advantage of getting some phone numbers. I just don’t care anymore. I say go out to the bar you were going to and just say hi to some girls and get to talking. As for myself, I have to meet someone new asap. The longer you sit alone and dwell about it, the worse you make yourself feel.

It’s a shame we don’t have some kind of machine that can tell us who the flaky people are so we can weed them out and all us decent, stable-relationship-wanting people can find one another. My girl just broke up with me because she wanted to spend more time with her friends, and apparently, me call her up and asking to see her was putting to much pressure in the relationship. So, she decided to end it, just like that, without pitching in one bit. People are so fickle, wavering, and undependable. Everyone I talk to says that I will find the right one, but I have dated so many girls this year and it never seems to work out! What are people like us supposed to do? Your situation is a pretty bad one, but it sort of sounds like a friend of mine. Not sure if this applies to you, but I will recount it anyway. =) She was dating her man for about 3+ years or so, and during that time he never held a steady job, smoked pot all the time, and would never commit to marriage. She kicked him out and started seeing other guys. He freaked out and was dying to get her back. She slowly let him in and now they are having twins and getting married, and he’s just ecstatic about the whole thing. How weird is that? Your situation is tough, because he is not committing, and when he tries to he get freaked out to the point where he can’t handle his responsibilities. Its his kid too, so he needs to deal with it. I think the point you made about the ex isn’t that big of a deal, it was 17 years ago and they are just friends. I have had girlfriends keep in touch with their ex’s, and hell I have made friend with them too. They bought presents for each other’s birthdays and so on. But every relationship is different, so I cant say for sure about yours. The other points you made about the disappearing for a week and how he has no future are disturbing. If my girlfriend (the one I used to have) would say to me she was “hiding” for a week, there would be great suspicion she was cheating. And if you guys are going to bring up a kid together, he better get off the pot and find a job. To me it sounds like you guys really need to talk and set out a game plan for your lives, like marriage and so on. If he wont commit, get rid of him for good, and depending on your beliefs I would think about an abortion. Yeah, that’s a crappy thing to say, I know. But can you support a kid on your own, knowing your kid’s deadbeat dad wants nothing to do with him/her? That’s just my two cents, but life really sucks sometimes. I hope you find right path for you. Maybe you should go to Plan Parenthood and ask them the difficult questions, or find profession counseling for a few weeks/months. Good luck.

Hey man, I am 24 and have gone through several bad breakups. The first 2 were the worst, by far. I would wake up crying, go to bed crying, couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, I was taking antidepressants, drinking way too much, and I even turned to drugs. I was on a path to self-destruction for a while. When I found out my second girlfriend was a prostitute it utterly crushed me, everything I thought was reality came crashing down. There was about 4 months of very self-destructive behavior, and I was borderline harassing her with phone calls, wanting to know why she did this and that, and so on. These were really bad times for me, but I forced myself to get out there and just have fun with friends, and simply try to talk with other girls. Eventually, once I met another girl, the bulk of my sorrow faded. I grieved for months, but when I was ready to take the next step I did. Now I find myself in a similar situation. Although the girl I was seeing was only for a few months, I was falling in love and she was so compatible with me I could not believe it. Everything was right, but over the past few weeks it fell apart and there was pressure and stress within the relationship. She just gave up without even trying to fix the problems. I find a lot of girls to be this way. So we broke up tonight. I cried. I feel like crap, I am alone, my faith in love has been weakened. And this is all just before Christmas and New Years. So what can we do? For me I say get out there and try to talk with someone new as soon as possible. Even if you cant find a date, talking with new people seems to help clear your mind. I also agree with the other posters, but I don’t delete or burn things. I make a folder deep in my computer and hide all the pictures away. I sometimes go back and look at old girlfriends, because you once did love them and I feel you shouldn’t throw away good memories, although they may hurt you now. I am going to find a date as soon as I can, and forget about this latest girl. Its so hard, but I would rather put myself in a difficult situation in finding someone new than to waste more time grieving over something I no longer have any control over. Good luck to you, I am right there with ya. I know how you feel, and it does get better.

I am unlucky in love, I meet girls I really, really like, but after some time it always fails. (this got a little long, please bear with me). The girl I had been currently seeing for the past 4-5 months was great, and she was everything I wanted in another person. I mean, I was thinking way down the line with her, possibly even marriage although I never told her that. We had a great relationship, and I did wonderful things for her, like brought her flowers for no reason, cooked her really nice meals of her favorite food, sushi and sashimi, and so on. She even never experienced an orgasm from sex, and I would regularly give them to her. So, everything was great leading up to the past couple weeks… Over the last couple weeks I felt she was not spending enough time with me. She was going out a lot and not inviting me, she was not willing to come over to my house anymore to spend the night, nor was she willing to have me spend the night. Plus, the last couple weekends she was going out with her friends until the wee hours of the morning, and not bothering calling me at all. Her excuses were that she was tired after she got off work, and sometimes just felt like hanging out at home with her roommate. She didn’t want to spend the night anymore because she could not sleep well with me and she was tired all day for work. On the weekends I told her I was cool with her going out with her friends, so she felt it was alright to go party all night and not even call. After a couple weeks of this I began to get impatient and start asking to see her more. She then started to feel like I was putting pressure on her to see me, and she felt like being in this relationship was too much work and too much stress on her. When she would come over I would still ask her to spend the night, and she got upset because she felt like I would get mad if she would not comply. She felt like everything had to be on my terms or it wasn’t good enough. This past Sunday she came over for an hour and a half, then left. Admittedly I tried to apply some pressure by seeming disappointed and a little removed when she left. The next day, Monday, I texted her to see what she was doing, and she responded by saying she was going out with her roommate. I then called her to see how she was doing, and to again ask what she was up to. She felt by me doing this I was applying pressure and following up on her, where she again had to explain herself to me. She said she just wanted to do what she wanted to do with her friends without a big explanation all the time. Then when I said goodbye I said it like, “well I will let you go.” But she said the intonation in my voice is that I was “miserable” and that she felt a lot of guilt for being with her friend. So she calls me up tonight and says she wants to talk. I get the strong impression she is trying to break up with me. So, I started getting defensive and a little upset. She said she felt like she couldn’t do anything without giving a big explanation. She was dealing with past relationship issues, along with family stuff, and dividing her time among so many people, mainly her friends, that she felt like the pressure and stress from our relationship was too much and she didn’t want to do it anymore. My argument was that all I wanted was to see her, I missed her, and I felt like she would not make time for me. I did not need to see her everyday, but it seemed like she was so busy we could never make a plan. And when she did have time, she would devote it to her friends instead of trying to make a plan with me. She kept saying that I don’t understand her, that she is under soon much pressure and that she didn’t want to be in a relationship. I started getting upset, because she said I don’t understand the pressure of her work and her life, when I completely understood. And I fully explained to her that I understood. I was also upset when she said she did not want to be in a relationship. I asked her if she wanted to stop seeing me, and she said no, she still had feeling for me. Then I asked if we were still boyfriend and girlfriend, and she said no, we were not. I told her that I was at a point where I needed a steady relationship. I told her she had no idea how much I liked her (a few weeks ago I was planning to tell her I loved her, but I am glad I never did). I told her I had been waiting a long time to meet someone just like her, because up until now we were having a great relationship and I felt so happy to be with her. But she stuck by her guns and said she was not ready for a relationship. I told her that I was not capable of hanging out with her as a friend, because I had such strong feeling for her. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship now, but maybe later. I said I hope its sooner than later, but I will just give you space. I understand that this conversation put even more pressure on her, because I was sort of demanding that she give me more time. I kept saying, is it a bad thing that I want to see you? In normal relationship people make concession for each other and go out of their way to see each other. But she continued to say I don’t understand her. So we basically broke up. I did not behave well in the events leading up to this breakup, nor did I behave well during the breakup itself. I realize that if I had just played it a little cooler, and gave her the space she needed we still might be together. But I felt like I wasn’t getting what I needed. And yes, I was applying pressure in the hopes that she would come around and realize that she should make a greater effort. However, it pushed her away even more. Was I really asking for too much? Was I out of line? I was a great boyfriend. I don’t lie or cheat. I want to take care of those I love. I told her countless times how beautiful she is and how much I liked her. I flattered her, cooked for her, and gave her the nice guy every girl says they want. My flaw was that I felt I was being distanced, I did not like it, so I spoke my mind and I told her how I felt. Apparently my efforts only served to apply pressure. Anyone’s thoughts? That is, if you even made it through all this!

I am a 24 year old male. I love to travel, and I dont like racing cars. So, I cant really relate to your guy. Personally I would go to Europe any chance I could get, and I spent a week in Paris a few years ago. If I were you I would just present him with both options and see which one he picks. Let him know it would cost about the same, and he might decide a weekend get-away to Paris sounds better than a day at the track. Good luck.

Oh my god, you sound like my girlfriend. She had a lot of messed up relationships and always got the crap end of the stick. But, hasnt everyone been in that position? I dated a girl for over a year to find out she was working as a prostitute and that I had been lied to about everything concerning her life! Wow, that one messed me up for a while, and I felt like I should stop trusting others. In college my first girlfriend cheated on with a few of my “so called friends.” That made me feel like not trusting either. The girl I am dating constantly tells me she feels scared. She likes me so much, but she is afraid of me. She actually tells me this! I am a great guy, I bring her flowers, I take her out, I treat her right, I am respectful of her concerns, and we have an amazing sex life. It is often too hard to believe you will actually find someone that meets all your expectations. I have, right now, exactly what you have described, but a few weeks ago my girl told me she wanted to take a step back. I understood and I didn’t call her for a day. I guess that freaked her out, because she started calling me like crazy and we spent the next 4 days with each other having tons of sex. At the end of those 4 days I asked her how we could take a step back if we are together all the time, and she said she changed her mind, she wasn’t scared anymore. This last weekend we did not see each other because she was busy and she kept giving me excuses. I saw her last night and asked her if everything is ok, and she basically told me again that she was feeling scared. She said in the past she felt numb and didn’t like guys anymore. But I was changing her mind, and she hasn’t met anyone she likes like this in a really long time. I am glad my girl can be so candid with me and that I can know her mind. Try talking with your guy. I am a strong believer in communication. If he can understand what you are doing and the reasons behind your actions then he may be able to adjust a little better to the situation, instead of being too clinging or too smothering, if that’s how you feel. Guys that really, really like their girl will want to be around them a lot. I guess taking it slow is what my girl needs to become assured that I am not going to change and end up being a complete bastard. But, I have my concerns too and I wont want to get hurt either. Its been so long since I found someone like her I am ready to jump head long into something this fantastic, but for my own good I need to watch myself too. If you like this guy, be careful but don’t push him away. Don’t ruin something that could be the love of your life just because a few bastards chose to mess up things in your past. Each relationship is new and different. Don’t compare. There will be both good and bad from one relationship to the next. If in this relationship you are experiencing more good than bad, why ruin a good thing? Test your man to see if he loves you back. If you can find out if he does there should be no harm in getting serious again. Just my two cents.