DWNWRDSPRL

To Stacy, Twenty years is a long time to share with someone you love and I still can't believe that it is coming to an end. I never thought that I would leave you....I always thought that I could stick it out, go the extra mile, for you and for our son. I wanted to grow old with you, I wanted to hold our grandchildren together one day, I wanted to die in your arms. I wanted to romance you for the rest of my days. But you couldn't get past your insecurity and your jealousy. They consumed you, they invaded our marriage and caused the worst grief for both of us. I never understood it and still don't.....because you are a gorgeous woman. You are a good woman. You are a good mother. You are a good person. This would be so much easier if I hated you but I never will be able to do that. I needed things that you couldn't or were unwilling to give me. I tried to tell you I was sorry for all of the things I said over the years out of anger when you would start the arguments. And you even admitted that you started them all, and I admitted that I escalated them all. God what an amazing couple we would have been had we gotten past that! Think of how great we would have been if everytime we went somewhere I didn't have to hear "what are you looking at?" Think of the times we would have had! But you couldn't just let it go. You couldn't just turn loose of the control you felt you had to have at all times. Checking my internet history, detailed phone billing, hitting the "last channel" button on the t.v. to see what I had been watching........all of that and more you did all these years......it tore me down. I was a good husband......really good husband. I never hit you, never got drunk and stayed out all night, no drug problems, and left other women alone. I did housework, cooked, cleaned, polished your shoes for you, ironed your scrubs for you.....there was nothing that I wouldn't do for you. After I left and told you I was filing, you cried so much and I felt horrible. I wondered why you could never show that you loved me...why you never called me....or really talked to me for so many years. You wept as I walked out the door and I thought that maybe you really do love me and were just confused. I've thought a million things since then. I keep expecting you to come to where I am, knock on the door, and when I come to it, tell me that you will work on getting better....and that you will beg me to come home. I wish you would do that. Because I know that neither one of us wants this love affair to end like this. I would have never left had you just reached out to me and told me your fears........what you were really afraid of......the way lovers for two decades are supposed to do. I would have held you and told you it was going to be okay...... and that you were my girl..... and that I loved you. I hope that you find what it is that you seek....that you are happy one day.......and that you realize that we all get older. The skin treatments, the laser treatments, the dermabrasions, the fighting the aging process that has consumed you...... it's not worth it. We all end up old and wrinkled in the end, should we be so lucky to make it to our golden years. I wanted to be 88 years old and still winking my eye at you. Be safe, be well, and I pray that we can remain friends. And I'll never get over you. Love, L