spaceandtime

personally if it was me, i'd be glad i was moving out of town and i wouldn't meet up with her. why put your emotions into question moments before you're about to start a new chapter in your life? she broke up with you. you're moving on. that's that. a dinner date might be a civil and nice way to seal things on departure. but don't do it if you think its going to mess with your emotions before a massive change. just bid her farewell on an email or text and keep on moving.... it's up to you though. only you know yourself best.

Let me spell this out to you, having played on both sides of the fence. SEX WITH SOMEONE ON A CASUAL/CONVENIENT BASIS: You feel a overwhelming urge from the pit of your stomach onwards. Your thoughts are usually based on how you've ended up in this position, and you go with it because one specific region of your brain is pulling you forward. Your thoughts are basically centred on your own power as an individual. You feel partially alive - though there are often moments where part of you is wondering what the best move is next, and you awkwardly shuffle between positions hoping that you're doing the right thing and the other person is feeling it. At climax, you feel your own sense of being - as if 75% of you has been lit up for a split second. The moment its over - you feel awkward and life seems slightly futile. You hug cause its the done thing. Or you kiss because you hope that its what the other person wants. SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE A DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH: Every single moment since the very second you set eyes on this person seems to fuse itself into the first touch where you know you're going to have sex. The endorphins flood your brain and you basically have to gasp and catch your breath to believe this is actually happening. Each touch that both of you deliver each other sends shingles around the rest of your body - and it feels like every single neuron (yours and theres) are interconnected. You can hear each others hearts beat - even though you're not listening, and it is though you are interconnected as one. You help each other lovingly and completely naturally simply because you want each other to feel as amazing as a result of the experience as possible. But it doesn't matter whether you are good or crap in bed - the very fact that you feel the warmth, safety and love of the other person makes you feel alive inside (the actual sex part is just a bonus). You breath in unison, feel everything together and wish the sun would never rise. During climax, it is as though the world has temporarily disappeared and the only thing that matters is the two of you. You gasp. And it feels as though an electric current of 40000 volts of ecstasy are passing through you and your partner. You hold onto them and it feels as though you are falling from 20,000 feet together onto a soft warm mushy matress awaiting you below. Once it's over you look at the person, and you can't resist kissing them, nurturing them, holding them and gently falling asleep in each others arms. Best of all, they'll still be there in the morning. And, at that moment you hope, forever till then end of time...... I KNOW which option I'd rather settle for!

Let me spell this out to you, having played on both sides of the fence. SEX WITH SOMEONE ON A CASUAL/CONVENIENT BASIS: You feel a overwhelming urge from the pit of your stomach onwards. Your thoughts are usually based on how you've ended up in this position, and you go with it because one specific region of your brain is pulling you forward. Your thoughts are basically centred on your own power as an individual. You feel partially alive - though there are often moments where part of you is wondering what the best move is next, and you awkwardly shuffle between positions hoping that you're doing the right thing and the other person is feeling it. At climax, you feel your own sense of being - as if 75% of you has been lit up for a split second. The moment its over - you feel awkward and life seems slightly futile. You hug cause its the done thing. Or you kiss because you hope that its what the other person wants. SEX WITH SOMEONE YOU HAVE A DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH: Every single moment since the very second you set eyes on this person seems to fuse itself into the first touch where you know you're going to have sex. The endorphins flood your brain and you basically have to gasp and catch your breath to believe this is actually happening. Each touch that both of you deliver each other sends shingles around the rest of your body - and it feels like every single neuron (yours and theres) are interconnected. You can hear each others hearts beat - even though you're not listening, and it is though you are interconnected as one. You help each other lovingly and completely naturally simply because you want each other to feel as amazing as a result of the experience as possible. But it doesn't matter whether you are good or crap in bed - the very fact that you feel the warmth, safety and love of the other person makes you feel alive inside (the actual sex part is just a bonus). You breath in unison, feel everything together and wish the sun would never rise. During climax, it is as though the world has temporarily disappeared and the only thing that matters is the two of you. You gasp. And it feels as though an electric current of 40000 volts of ecstasy are passing through you and your partner. You hold onto them and it feels as though you are falling from 20,000 feet together onto a soft warm mushy matress awaiting you below. Once it's over you look at the person, and you can't resist kissing them, nurturing them, holding them and gently falling asleep in each others arms. Best of all, they'll still be there in the morning. And, at that moment you hope, forever till then end of time...... I KNOW which option I'd rather settle for!

From the first kiss? From the first time you both verbally commit to each other? From the general aura that you both create around/from each other? In other words, if the person is eventually going to become the person we spend our life with - how do we ensure we're not accidentally losing their trust at the start of a connection?

So basically I met this girl I really liked for the course of a weekend before she got posted to Australia. Now, we both said that we weren't going to get into the whole headache of an LDR (having both had bad experiences in the past) and left it as just wait till the next time we see each other (likely to be February 2005) NOW, basically since she has left and landed, we've been in contact continuously and both admitted to having strong feelings towards each other. And we seem to both be falling in deeper emotionally. This is bad for me I think, because I don't want to be "waiting" for her (or her me) and invariably I think subsconsciously we are heading for trouble. What shall I do? Should I assume its OK to just date other people to keep my mind off this, approach her about the subject (and probably risk scaring her off given that we've both only really known each other for a short time) or just hold out anyway and see what its like next year (probably emotionally setting myself up for a very high fall)

No, I definitely have not forgotten the pain. The pain lingers on, but its channelled in a defiance not to let the ex who broke my heart determine the destiny of the rest of my life. The pain she has inflicted has made me stronger, more powerful, more enriched as a human being and ultimately a better person. I would only urge you to start believing in the possibility of change. That is the start. Negative self-talk only prolongs the agony......

Moving on is not allowing your ex to consume any of your energies. I.E. your focus and direction is uplifted from them and they do not affect the direction of your life anymore.

Flashbacks are common, usually just nostalgia kicking in when things in your new life aren't all running happy-as-larry. My advice would be to let it go by looking at what is in your new life that you can improve to feel fulfilled and whole. If it continues, you might just want to go and confront those thoughts head on, cry them out, and then continue. That might help.

...but it was all so amazing, consuming and exciting - the idea that someone beautiful could show interest in you after 9 months of healing from a breakup. I felt alive again. As though I had healed myself, and had now been blessed by finding someone who was better than my ex. Now, I'm not so sure. Things are moving quickly. While THIS is not a bad thing, I can see major danger signs as far my emotions are concerned. The relationship would be a loosely defined 'Long Distance' relationship. I swore I would never have another one. And I'm just not convinced that it could ever work out. And I don't want to get hurt again. Though, right now, I seem on a collision course to be dealing with a broken [but recently healed] heart yet again. Maybe I'm being paranoid. But I'm scared. And I don't know what to do. The person concerned is older, and I already get the feeling that she thinks I'm immature with my emotions. Pride doesn't want me to back down. But I must protect myself, else suffer the wrath of a broken heart again. How do I communicate this, without making an idiot of myself? Or losing what could potentially grow to be the most amazing thing ever? Should I just sensibly slow down the conversation and make it less emotionally deep? Or should I simply cut all contact for a while? Or just get out while I can? Aaaagh.

I just feel compelled to post this, because it has been a REALLY difficult 9 months for me after splitting with my ex late last year. Anyway, the break up was horrible. I lost completely all track of who I was / what the relationship was or wasn't (it turned out she saw me in a completely different way) and my confidence in myself and relationships was completely sapped. Anyway, 9 months of NC have followed (with occasional correspondence, which quite frankly, just set things back further) but in that time I worked MASSIVELY on self-improvement, working through the feelings, taking each day at a time, training, getting to know myself again. All the time though, I felt I'd never, ever meet anyone who touch that part of my heart again (either cause it had been broken beyond repair or because I simply would never let someone come in that close, to be so hurt). Anyway, last weekend, over the most random course of events (which will probably feature in a movie one day), I met someone else, who I completely thought was out of my league. Until, we spent two days in each other's company and it turns out that she, too, feels the same way about me. The power of this union sent shockwaves through my soul and has relinquished my belief in love again. Except this time I'm stronger and wiser to recognise how to deal with it so that I don't make the same mistakes as last time around. My advice to people going through difficulty is: 1. Use No Contact to allow yourself to heal properly. Don't use it as a subconscious motivator to get back together with your ex. If you do that, you're not really using it properly. No Contact exists to find yourself again, work through the feelings and let go of the hurt. Not to play psychological mindgames with your ex. 2. Breakup is a painful experience but can also be a sophisticated blessing. It is God's way of forcing you to progress, develop, find strength and grow and reminding you if the importance of loving yourself as a human being. Unless we love ourselves, we are incapable of loving others properly. Use the time to push yourself spiritually, mentally and physically. 3. Hard as it is, take the focus off your ex and put it into the things you've always wanted to do or never believed you could. In my healing time, I have completed things that one year ago I never thought I was capable of as a human being. I've raised lots of money for charity, I've learned meditation, I've taken more time to understand my friends and family, I've got more emotional intelligence than ever before and I've completed physical challenges of cycling and running that I never thought I could. By challenging ourselves and achieving, we are injecting our life with self-worth. 4. Recognise what you did wrong, or what was wrong about the relationship, but don't beat yourself up about it. Ultimately, you cannot be in control of your destiny. Yes you may have done things that make you feel responsible for the breakup, but ultimately, you cannot be in control of the larger forces in life. Take heed in the saying, 'what's meant to be will be', and learn to let go. 5. When you do eventually find the next person (even though you think it impossible now), you will have the benefit of hindsight on your side. You know yourself better, what you want and what you need for a fulfilling relationship. Imagine you're a captain who has just returned from an a long training periond. Your challenge is to navigate the ship of your soul through the relationship, so that it is fulfilling for you, and that your wants and needs are expressed and fulfilled. Learning from your past makes the future all the more satisfying. I know this is all quite esoteric, but I hope people find hope and strength in it. Good luck.

My 'ex' is adamant that what we had was a 'friendship'. She rates it as the most important thing in her life. To me it was so much more. So when she ended it, it hurt like hell and 9 months of painful NC has since followed. The thing is, no matter how hard I try, she WILL not cut contact, insisting on finding out how I am every so often. Also wanting reassurance that I am still working to be friends again. This made me MAD. Trying to get your life and self back together after someone has thrown you into complete doubt is hard at the best of times. But the 'light' way with which she treats this as 'friends' just makes me more angry. As a result I have said lots of hurtful things about how I felt I was treated while we were together. This has done no favours whatsoever, as I seemed to have tapped into a really expansive low-self esteem issue she has, and really upset her. I don't know what to do. I've put it very plainly that I can't be friends with her because it's too hard. I've tried not to reply. I've been fascetious and told her how she made me feel, and I just feel like I'm spiralling back into a pit that it's been so hard to work my way out of over the past year. Does anyone have any advice how to handle this situation sensibly and maturely? I just find myself getting more and more angry and hurt. When my real priority should be to forgive her in my heart and move on.

Here, here. I gave my heart to someone and the pain of the whole thing is horrific. Never again. It's all about my own needs now.

HELP. So basically I fell in love with my best friend. She adored my company and we ended up sleeping together for 10 months. I always wanted a relationship. But she was unsure. Instead she just kept insisting we were 'best friends'. After lots of general brinkmanship, testing the waters and a really great time together - she suddenly realised there were other priorities in her life and wanted to see 'what was out there'. She said she didn't know how she felt about me, she had issues with my relationship history, she'd never been with other people and she basically wasn't ruling out the possiblility of a relationship in the future. But for now, not happening. She wanted to keep contact I said no way. HURT. HURT. HURT. I was pissed. Here I was in a limbo - in love with my best friend, while my best friend was in love with the 'friendship'. Aaagh. 8 months of No Contact follow. In this time, I feel as though there are things I had done which meant she walked away with an unfounded opinion of me. I prey. I dig deep. I lose all sight of myself and eventually begin to re-emerge the other side. Now, I keep getting E's from her about how lonely she is without this friendship and how its the most important thing in her life. PLEASE someone save me from this complete shambles and tell me what to do. Do I the friendship again? ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's just a recipe to unearth the past and more pain as far as I'm concerned. Do I want to be with her? Well, no. I just can't trust her not to hurt me again like this. And I've found new meaning and self-worth in my life now. Do I miss her? Actually, no. I don't. I miss what we had - but feel it was a very different stage in my life and now there are other things for me to sort out in view to moving forward. Oh my good-golly-gosh, have I just answered all my own questions?

Heartfelt - that was the most superb post I have ever read on eNotAlone. You've articulated absolutely everything in a crystal clear way that I never could. D-Boy, take heed from that. And also realise that drama is only an outsiders perception. All to often, the quiet and 'cool' ones are those who are in inner turmoil, or as Chris Martin of Coldplay put it in 'Amsterdam': "I'm dead on the surface, but I'm screaming underneath" I'm exactly in the same position as you. 8 months. And everytime I hear from her, it's the same paper-mache inner collapse. But somewhere inside I can feel an inner voice saying, 'Concentrate. Bring the focus back onto you. Let go and set free, and reach for something higher and more beautiful....' Have faith, it could last for a few more weeks, months or maybe even a year - but when you come through it, you will have a stronger sense of self than ever before (just look at Heartshock) And as for you Heartshock: may London's summer bring you the most exquisite times for you and your new love...... -------- "Don't look back, unless you want to go that way."

Nah - you hurt someone then basically it's down to them whether they want your friendship or not. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways and handing out an olive branch is nothing significant if you've been hurt deeply. Sometimes it just makes it worse - its an indicator that you've moved on to the point where you're not emotionally caught up in the relationship anymore (added to the fact of you saying you'd be happy for him to see other people). Pride is hurt, ego dented. Just let him heal and move on, and in the meantime make the most of your time. Personally anyone who has hurt me in the past I find it hard to be friends with - because those feelings never completely lift and leave you. I'd rather make the most of my life in their absense. But, that's just me. Good luck anyway.