Cynder

So many people throughout my life have acted like it's such a big problem that I expect people to follow through with their words. If someone says they will be at my house at 3PM, that's what I expect. And then if they show up at 5:30 and I'm a little irritated, well, that's my problem. I shouldn't have expected them to be there when they said they would. I, like you, don't commit to something I can't follow through with. And if something happens that changes things, I will at least tell them. Like if I say I"m going to be somewhere and then something happens that makes me late, I will let them know. Since I rely on public transportation I am not always in control of when I leave, etc. I try to give myself plenty of time to allow for late taxis, etc. But that isn't fool proof. I wouldn't tell someone I'll read their book and then not read it. And I definitely wouldn't ask someone for a copy of their book if I wasn't planning to read it. But, I bet for at least a few people, it's been a matter or feeling pressured. Not like I am pressuring anyone myself. But since they know me, they might feel pressured to like it. Some people might be thinking, "Well, she's my friend, and if I don't like her book, I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't want to lie." I am one hundred percent honest when I say I don't care if people don't like my book. In the first 5 pages a teenage boy pins his father against a wall and holds a knife to his throat. There's an f bomb six lines into the story. There is a graphic rape scene, multiple murders, lots and lots of substance abuse, prostitution, etc. My main character is a drug dealer, (who also occasionally sells himself along with the drugs.) I know this brand of fiction isn't for everyone. I don't expect everyone to like it. And I'm also kind of a masochist when it comes to criticism of my writing. I don't know why, but for some reason when I get a scathing critique on Reddit, it makes my day. I've said it here before, too, I can't wait for my first one star review. I was reading reviews for The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things on Goodreads not too long ago, and someone wrote a one star review that said something like, "This is way too disturbing for me. I couldn't sleep at night thinking about it." All I could think was I hope someone writes something like that about one of my books one day, lol. Idk though, I take people at face value, but I've learned most people don't take anyone at face value. People usually don't mean what they say, or say what they mean. Everyone lies. It really is better when I expect nothing. So, maybe next time someone asks me for a digital copy I'll just send it expecting they won't read it. I also wonder if this is how it will be when it's out. Are people who know me just going to buy it and put it up on a shelf somewhere, and then once in a while pull it out when they have company and be like, "I totally know this author!" I guess it doesn't matter by that point. If it's published and people are buying it I still benefit from that. But I do hope people buy it and actually read it. I also understand that no one cares about my work as much as I do. That's a hard pill to swallow for a lot of creatives people. No one cares about my paintings as much as I do, either.

There is a pretty scathing post about one of the restaurants she worked at in out town on Facebook right now. It's in our town's public Facebook group. Someone who used to work there posted a bunch of pics of how nasty the kitchen is and how some of the employees there do really nasty things to the food. Seeing this actually didn't bother me. It's not a place I go, haven't been there in years. And it also made me wonder if she was one of the employees this person is talking about. If so, I hope she saw that post, too. I wonder how she feels being called out like that, even if it's anonymous. I know this is not a good situation. It's not a good thing that this place is open and serving food when it's that dirty, etc. I know all the people who do eat there probably saw that post and were really disgusted. I don't mean to come off completely self centered. I know it's not a good thing. I'm just saying since I don't go there personally, and because she probably saw it, maybe it's a little bit of low key karma for her, that seeing it didn't bother me. I have therapy in two days. I've also been really trying to push myself to revise these last four chapters. There are a lot of loose ends I'm tying up. There also have been a few things I've added to the ending, which mean I have to go back to parts in the middle and rewrite them. I made kind of a big decision involving one of the three main characters. It might be risky to change something like this so close to the end. But I think it makes more sense this way. It might not be the healthiest way of thinking, but I've also considered this as an example of living well being the best revenge. When we were together she told me more than once that she wishes she would have actually did something with her life, and it was really obvious she had a lot of resentment for me because I am actually doing something with my life. If she ever finds out about this book, it will just drive that nail in a little harder. There will be one most instance of me getting off my ass and actually doing something while she continues to be a miserable drunk who goes from job to job and partner to partner because stability is impossible for her. I wonder if she watched the eclipse yesterday. If she did she was probably drinking and barely paying attention. She probably had her phone out taking selfies, she was probably all over social media talking about how awesome it is, etc, while barely taking the time to be still and focus on the awesomeness.

I have multiple friends/family members, and even acquaintances who practically beg to be beta readers. Everyone really wants to read Needles, since it's almost finished. But not one person who"s been sent a copy (accept D) has read it, or even started reading it. If I send someone a copy and a couple weeks go by and they don't open it, I remove their access. It's not good to have tons of digital copies floating around. And I've removed access to pretty much everyone I've sent it to. No one has even noticed. Just so no one reading this gets the wrong idea, I'm not running around begging everyone I know to please please please read my book. These are people who asked me if they could read it. And it's not that I am just trying to get free labor out of people. Beta readers are paid most of the time. And I plan on paying some professional beta readers. But there are people who beta read for free, too, and people I know have asked for that chance. My ex (the vendor I dated) did free beta reads regularly for a handful of authors he knows. My one friend who asked me for a copy multiple times keeps telling me she's going to start on it next week. But "next week," has been coming for like 2 months. I took her access away. And last time she brought it up I actually told her I took her access away. I was polite about it. I said I take access away from people who don't read it because I don't want a bunch of copies floating around. And she was like, "Well, I don't know about punctuation and grammar and stuff. I don't think I'm the right person to go through and check for mistakes and all that." Ok... that isn't what I expect. Any copy I send at this point is pretty much scrubbed clean of all that. And also, that's what I'm paying an editor for. Idk, I'm sure there will be people reading this thinking I sound like a brat complaining. It's just frustrating that everyone wants a copy until they get a copy.

Her saying she liked me better when I didn't talk was a regular thing when she was drinking a lot. I wish I could say a lot of people probably like her better when she isn't talking. But it seems like everyone just loves her. Our neighbor was standing there talking to us during this exchange and he didn't seem bothered at all by the way she was treating me. The whole time we were together, she didn't have friends over to the house. But there were plenty of times where my friend came over. And she treated me this way in front of people I knew, and no one ever said a thing. It was stuff like that that made me think maybe I am the problem here. But, now none of those people are my friends anymore. They all sided with her and I cut them all out of my life. They've all reached out and apologized and tried to be friends with me again. And I've told them all basically, "Apology accepted, access denied." Most of them asked why, and I said, "You made your choice. You chose her. Now deal with that." She quits jobs like it's nothing and always just walks in somewhere and walks out with a job. She screws roommates out of rent, etc, and gets kicked out of places, but always finds somewhere else to live, usually within a day. She treats people like crap, and there's never been any consequences. But she's also really hot. So she can basically do whatever she wants in our society. I heard multiple people say she's so fun when she's drunk. I legit wondered if I was crazy because she was such a mean drunk. And she was also a really sloppy drunk. I cleaned up her puke multiple times, I made sure she was asleep on her side with a bunch of pillows piled up so she couldn't roll over and choke, etc. No one seemed to recognize any of that. Even our roommate, all she ever had to say was, "It's just so funny!!!" And now I keep looking back and feeling so angry at the way I was treated but also angry that this was my life for a while. And you're right, to her, facts were worthless. It doesn't matter how reverse osmosis water is actually filtered. All that matters is what she thinks. And since I drink it at work, well I'm sh*tmouth, and I need to shut up and go drink from the toilet, etc. When she first moved in here we used to sit out on my porch and talk all night, literally. And we would have these serious conversations about stuff like religion, and the meaning of life, etc. But she was sober for most of those conversations, too. And yea, she is a fountain of ideas alright. I have two characters based on her. A character in another novel I'm working on is a raging alcoholic who she inspired. Yep, she is the queen of projection too. Like, who would really spit in a water cooler? Well, she would. She used to also give me a lot of crap when I worked out at Planet Fitness and would use the Hydro Massage beds. It's like laying on a waterbed with jets underneath that massage you. You're not in water. Despite explaining this to her multiple times, and even taking a picture of the bed to show her, she would always tell me how gross that is because who knows who has been in that water and what kind of bodily fluids are in there. No one is "in the water." but that didn't matter to her because who cares about facts? History is being made today. This is the only time in my life I will ever see a total Solar Eclipse. An Eclipse is a good time to let go of things. It's a reminder of how small we are in the Universe. I'm going to bed for a few hours and then waking up to go out to my Mom's house in the middle of nowhere to have the best view. I'm sure it will inspire me in so many ways. And hopefully I can let go of a lot of crap I don't need to carry anymore. I designed a tattoo for someone who is working with the University in my city just to commemorate this occasion for the,. So, this is something that I will only see once, and someone has my artwork representing it on their body for life. Those are the things I need to be thinking about today. While the Eclipse is happening my ex will probably be sitting in front of her PS4 drinking and playing Red Dead Redemption. She complains so much about not living a better life, yet she won't get off her ass and live a better life. So, even though it's not a matter of winning or losing, in the end, who is really living a better life? Hey, if you lived in my area I'd totally have you over for dinner. My roommate can cook, too. I mean, he went to culinary school and worked in some high end restaurants. It's something he's really passionate about. My upstairs tenant and I will never go hungry with him here. I feel like I should give him a discount on rent for how much he feeds me, lol. Him and I and his ex (who he's now best friends with) are taking a road trip next weekend, too. So I have that to look forward to. Thanks for replying. I always like reading your posts, old timer.

I wish my parents would have fed me better as a kid. It's not like we starved. There was always plenty of food. But my Mom cooked junk a lot. Hot pockets, fish sticks, chicken nuggets, etc. We ate a lot of highly processed crap. And my parents were really big on "clean your plate!" And also, it didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food. You ate what was put in front of you, no exceptions. As soon as I got out of the house I changed the way I eat. I was a vegetarian for a while when I was younger. Not out of principle or anything, I'm just not big on meat, not even now. I eat mostly fish when I do decide to eat meat. I'm really surprised I have all my teeth, too. Because not only were we fed crap but we never went to the dentist as kids. But I'm also kind of obsessive about taking care of my teeth.

Yea, he's not upset or anything. I just hope he understands. He has a man's metabolism and can eat whatever he wants. I also just had a thought about Z being a chef, and why she was so untrusting when it came to food handled by other people, etc. She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff. And she's worked in half the restaurants in this town. Knowing that doesn't inspire much confidence.

Not paper, but I have a file on my phone that is full of notes and ideas. I actually wrote some stuff in it that I wanted to write about in this thread and last night was the first chance I had to do it. (Except the water filter, that was just something I thought about when I went downstairs early this morning and saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge. I have two tenants currently, and the guy who is living in my basement (the one with the water filter) is a chef. That alone has brought back a few memories because so was she. But she rarely cooked anything (which is fine, I never expected her to cook just because she did it professionally.) But he cooks all the time. I mean, there is so much food a lot of it goes to waste. Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made. He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc. And then last night he went and picked up a friend who works at Bob Evans after she closed the restaurant. And she gave him a big box of left over biscuits. So today he made this big batch of sausage gravy. He made some really good pasta from scratch last week. I took that to work with me a couple nights last week. I'm not complaining. That's what he likes to do, so hey, cook away. He was asking me yesterday why I don't eat more. And his cooking is awesome, but it's not exactly healthy. I'm a healthy eater and I don't sit down to big meals. I eat small amounts here and there throughout the day. I just hope his feelings aren't hurt that I'm not always stuffing my face, lol.

Wow... I just went downstairs to shower and pack tomorrow's lunch before I got to bed. And I saw my roommate's water filter in the fridge. He will only drink filtered water and sometimes he goes and fills up jugs at the reverse osmosis machines all around town. I forgot all about this until now. But seeing his water filter made me remember the time Z and I were sitting outside and I don't remember how it came up, but I said something about the water coolers at work. She said she would never trust drinking from a water cooler at work because who knows who's spitting in it, etc. I told her these are reverse osmosis cools, you can't get into them without a key and people come from the water company to change them when they are out. She immediately went off on this whole tangent about hos disgusting that is and how disgusting I am for drinking that water because according to her reverse osmosis is sewage that has been purified. I told her I've never heard that. SO I looked it up on my phone right in front of her. It's not sewage that's filtered. It's just a different filtering process for filtering regular water. I showed her a video on it that was about two minutes long. But she still kept insisting I'm drinking sewage all day at work. I told her if you want to get technical all water was probably sewage at some point, because of the way water goes through the water cycle and evaporates and stuff. She was like, "You're not helping your case here!" She started talking about how from now on she's not going to kiss me until after I brush my teeth when I get home from work, etc. And then our neighbor came over and was talking to us for a little bit and I said something to him (not about the water, about whatever we were talking about and Z was like, "Shut up sh*tmouth." I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking." And for the rest of the conversation she's telling me things like "Go drink some water out of the toilet like you do at work." I forgot about this until now. She wasn't just joking around either. This wasn't just sarcasm, etc. She was legit being mean. She seemed so stuck on all these ideas about me being this disgusting person. I don't bathe enough. I stink. I knowingly drink sewage, etc. None of that is true. It was like believing that I"m a physically gross person made her feel better about herself. She was so insecure about how she looks, etc. And she took several showers a day. She was obsessive about her hygiene, etc. She didn't have OCD. SOoe people can be really obsessive about certain things and not have OCD. SO I won't sit here and say I think she had OCD or not, but she had some really obsessive tenancies. I told her once that while I have no clue what she's going through as far as gender dysphoria is concerned, I do know what it's like to obsess about things, and I also know what it's like to hate your body. So, from experiencing those things, I can at least make an educated guess about how she feels on a daily basis. I am not in her shoes. But I was attempting to show empathy the best way I could. That was a huge mistake because it became, "How dare you compare your problems to mine?!" I wasn't comparing. I was just trying to see things from her perspective. But I was told gender dysphoria is way worse than OCD. I don't think of anyone mental struggle as a competition. All disorders are on a spectrum. There are people with OCD who can barely leave their houses because their symptoms are so bad. Then there are people like me who have a lot of obsessions and who ritualized a lot of things, but who also have it under control to the point where it doesn't disrupt their lives, at least not often. To her though, everything was transaction and everything was a competition. I feel so sad for her current partner who is mentally disabled. I'm not saying mentally disabled people are defective and that they don't deserve to date, fall in love, etc. But I a good friend of mine knows this person. They are severely mentally disabled. They can't work, etc. They function on the mental level of a 12-14 year old. So, someone like that is probably very trusting and very easy to take advantage of. Z has the perfect partner for herself. This person will probably never question her. They are probably handing over all their money to her. And from what I heard Z is still a raging alcoholic, and I know what a mean drunk she is. I bet she's really nasty to her current SO when she's drinking and her current SO is probably being gaslit into thinking it's not really happening or that Z is only that way because she loves them, etc. I hope they get out of that relationship before too much damage is done. It's really sad.

One other thing that I've been thinking about lately... I keep wanting tow rite about it here, but I always think about it when I'm not in front of the computer. After we broke up and she would come around and want to talk through things... it was always framed almost like what she did was completely random and out of her control. It was always, "I'm so sorry I did that to you of all people because you're such a good person." "I feel so bad that you had to go through that because you didn't deserve it." Ok... but she chose to act that way. This reminds me of these stories you hear where something really violent like a shootout between rival gangs breaks out somewhere and someone who had nothing to do with any of it just happened to be nearby minding their own business and they got shot and killed too. Or a drunk driver who hit an innocence Mom and her baby. It's like that's the way she wants me to see all of this. "Oh it sucks so much that you just happened to be in my line of fire at the time. But I'm completely innocent!" In those other situations the drunk driver and the gang members aren't innocent, though. Everyone is always so sorry after the fact. I must be a rare breed because I actually think about my actions before doing them. All the friends she turned against me have apologized and tried to salvage their friendship with me. I've politely told them all no, because they made their choice. They chose her, so they can live with that choice. I don't care how much they miss me as a friend. She's not friends with any of them anymore. (At least according to them, they all told me during these conversations, "I don't even talk to her anymore!") I'm just going on what people said. Before people start accusing me of keeping tabs on everyone. But her saying things and acting like this was all just a random tragedy and I was just the unlucky one really pisses me off. She can't even own what she did. She tried to tell me once that she went to therapy and the therapist was so amazed with her level of insight that he told her she should be a therapist. I seriously doubt that. But that's her reason for not going to therapy. She thinks she doesn't need it and that she has everyone and everything figured out. She tried to convince me more than once that I'm bipolar. No therapist I've ever seen has ever suggest I'm bipolar, and I don't have manic episodes. But Z knows everything. She should be a therapist. If a therapist really did tell her that, I wonder if he regretted it after. Because I could see a therapist telling a patient something like, "Well since you're interested in learning about the mind, have you considered going into psychology?" Or something like that because she is really interested in knowing about the mind. But I think if something like that was ever said, she took it way out of context.

Omg her falling down In the creek was hilarious. I know it shouldn't be but looking back it was. When that happened she crawled back up the embankment all wet and laid down and just started bawling. And I laid down on the ground next to her and held her. And it wasn't just like crying because she hurt herself (because she did, she got all scratched up and hit her shoulder on a rock.) But this was like serious crying. I laid there with her for like ten minutes and then helped her into the house. The roommate she had after moving out of here (he's the guy who is now dating a friend of mine.) He's a pretty successful business owner. And so she probably had all the same resentment for him. She hates it when people are doing better than her. But she could probably ly out shine most people if she applies herself. And she probably knows that deep down.

For a long time she wasn't. I've even been in another relationship since then. My most recent ex is an amazing person and we are still friends. So it's like whiplash. I felt like I was completely over her for a while there. Editing these later chapters in the book is making me think about her again because I wrote them right after she left. Since you've been through something similar you probably understand better than others. Everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning. The first 6 months or so I rarely saw her drink. She's obviously someone who can hide it well when trying to reel someone in. And she's really hot so she always finds a new partner. I don't trust my own judgment anymore with people. There are so many people out there who check all the right boxes, but turn out to be awful people once you get to know them. My siblings both have a similar history to mine. We were raised around substance abuse and violence. So we've all spent our lives trying to be better than that. And we're not violent substance abusers. But none of us can seem to get relationships right. My parents were alcoholics and they were together 15 years. Then when they split up it was about a month before my mom had some new guy living with us who was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Before her i'd never dated anyone who was in active addiction. I dated a recovered addict once. And his whole life was about recovery. He went to NA meets several times a week. He was ride or die. And my most recent ex is a recovered addict. Beating addiction is so hard and I have mad respect for anyone who has done it. Even my Mom. She quit drinking in 2016. Unfortunately I don't think Z will ever kick the habit. And I think she's starting to experience early symptoms of dementia from drinking. So much wasted potential. My step dad was the same way. He was an insanely talented artist. But he drank all that away. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this next week. I really have been trying hard to think of this as a positive thing. I took a bad experience and performed creative alchemy. Thank you.

I was getting really tired yesterday and didn't have the energy to go into everything. But a common thread int his guys stories, that I also experienced a lot, was her tendency to just make things up that never happened and get really mad about those things. Like, once she was in the bathroom and I was standing outside the room and asked her something through the bathroom door. I think I said I was going to the store and asked if she wanted anything, something like that. We weren't arguing. It was just a trial question. Later on that night she suddenly was furious with me because she said I just walked in on her without knocking when she was using the bathroom. I kept telling her I didn't do that. And she kept insisting I did. In my head I'm thinning, "Are you on crack?" She got really mad at me another time because she claimed I tried to kiss her first thing in the morning. She hated kissing before brushing her teeth. Ok, that's fine. I can respect that boundary. And so I never tried to kiss her before she brushed her teeth. Well she kept insisting I did this one time. And that time I was even second guessing myself. I'm standing here thinking, "Did I? Maybe I just didn't think about it..." But I kept going over and over what I remembered in my head and I couldn't remember trying to kiss her. And to a person with OCD, this is straight up dangerous. This wasn't something she did every day. It only happened a handful of times. But once in a while, she would just pull something out of her ass and throw a fit about it. Idk... maybe she needed conflict. Maybe her way of thinking was "I think I'll start a fight today just because I'm bored." Or maybe all the drinking is literally giving her brain damage. That happens to alcoholics. And I was the only person she did this to, too. I never saw her do it to anyone else. But the point I'm making here... This guy, who is now dating my friend, who was her roommate for over a year, he told me she used to do that to him and his wife too. She would get really mad about stuff that NEVER happened. It reminds me of the night she was convinced I went to her house and messed with the painting I gave her. I didn't even know where she lived but trying to point that out and have any kind of logical conversation was impossible. Nope, I came to her house int he middle of the night, while she was there, and messed with a painting, and she didn't see me. I know it's hard to understand but stuff like that creeps me out. Like it actually seems scary to me the way a horror movie is scary. I've had some of my more religious friends tell me they think she's evil. I even know one person who actually thinks she's demon possessed. I don't believe in any of that, but it's interesting that people who do think those things about her. I've had people tell me there's just nothing behind her eyes. That was something I never thought. I always thought she had really intense eyes. And they are really clear blue. Hearing all this stuff from someone else who also experienced it was really validating. I'm really glad this whole conversation happened yesterday morning and even into the evening last night when I was up, too. I still remember when we would sit outside and I would take my blutooth speaker out there. Nothing I played was ever right, unless it was something she specifically asked me to play. I remember one night I just had it on playlist radio on spotify, and it was playing a mix of all kinds of stuff. And Under Pressure by Queen came on. And she was talking about how she would have had so much respect for me if this was Ice Ice baby. She got all excited thinking this was Ice Ice Baby. Why am I playing Under Pressure. That's lame and stupid. I told her I didn't pick it. Spotify did. She said, "Yea, but it's your account!" So I stopped Under Pressure, and put on Ice Ice Baby. Then she started saying all the same stuff but about Ice Ice Baby and how much she wishes I was playing Under Pressure. What does she get out of messing with a person's head like this? That night I just shut the music off and went inside. I left her sitting out there by the fire put by herself. I just didn't feel like playing her stupid games. I wonder why I ever wanted her back after she left. That's my issue to figure out. She's not a good person. At least the character I based on her is a decent human being, even though morally ambiguous. And to anyone confused about the Under Pressure/Ice Ice Baby thing... they are two songs that sound a lot alike in the intro.

I am kind of using this thread as a dumping ground for the feelings I've been having about her, sorry if that irritates anyone. But one thing I kept thinking about last night... Z and I were friends on Facebook for years before we dated. I met her through some mutual friends. And toward the end of our relationship, she had a habit of throwing stuff I said on Facebook before we ever even dated in my face. It wasn't stuff about other people I dated or anything. It was stuff like, "I remember once you posted this really stupid meme... and I thought only a *r word* would think that was funny!" Or she would talk about things I supposedly said on Facebook that I don't remember saying. I would tell her "I don't remember ever posting anything like that." And it was always, "Well you did! I remember it!" I just remember thinking, ok, even if I did, does it matter? She would talk about stuff I supposedly said years ago that she was so offended by. I'm not a psychologist... not by far. And I could be way off here. But the more I look back on things now that I'm not blinded by love, it seems like she just had to point out everything wrong with me just so she didn't have to look at herself. She did resent me, that was really clear. She straight up told me it pissed her off that I live such a better life. In reality my life is no better than hers. I went to college on a full ride. She commented on that a few times, saying things like, "I could have gone far in life too if someone would have handed me a free education." Ok, I worked my ass off for my scholarship and I had to maintain an almost perfect GPA to keep it. I didn't have the college experience that a lot of people have. I didn't live in a dorm, I couch surfed through most of college and lived out of a suitcase, while having to maintain that high GPA. I didn't spend four years drinking and partying and hooking up with random people, etc. My college years weren't easy just because I didn't have to pay to go. So my theory is, she pointed out everything wrong with me, and even made up some things, just to not feel so bad about herself. My hygiene was another thing... No one before her has ever complained about my hygiene. I bathe regularly. I wear clean clothes, etc. The first 6 months we were together, she's always telling me how good I smell. The suddenly I stink. Nothing changed in my routine. And she wants me to shower twice a day. So I do. I showered when I woke up, and then when I got home from work. Well soon she wants a shower before bed too. And she started telling me I can't sit on her bed because she doesn't want her bedding to stink. Then there are nights where even after three showers that day, we lay down in bed, and she wants me to go take another shower because I stink. How? If I stink after three showers that day, than there's more going on than just hygiene issues. I think it was just her way of picking at me so she could feel better. I came home from work today and a good friend of mine messaged me. I think The Universe wanted me to have this conversation. This friend of mine and Z have a connection. Z and ,y friend's boyfriend used to be friends/roommates. Z screwed this guy out of a lot of money by not paying rent/her share of the bills. (She always paid rent when she lived here, I guess I'm lucky there.) Z also threw a huge fit and accused this guy of putting sugar in her gas tank, which he didn't do, but someone did. This was all recent too, it's not like this happened 20 years ago. This guy also had young kids, and he had a real issue with Z sitting around the house drinking all the time and being drunk around his kids. None of that surprises me. But something that is pretty disturbing... I know who Z's current SO is, like I know their name. But I don't actually know them. We have a lot of mutual friends on FB, and they come up on my suggested friends sometimes. Well, this person she's with now is mentally disabled. Their disability is severe enough that they get disability, it's bad enough that they can't work. So, they are like Z's dream partner. Someone who is probably easily manipulated, someone who likely has low self esteem because of the way society treats disabled people. And someone with a steady income. I know I shouldn't assume. I just know how predatory people take advantage of the mentally disabled. This person is probably handing over their disability money and Z is probably using it to buy booze and then gaslighting them into thinking that isn't what happened. I feel so bad for them if this is actually happening. My friend told me this person's Mom has tried to step in and stop it, but since this person is an adult not much can be done. I know it's not my place, but I feel really icky about that situation. I'm not in it. But it's still not a good situation. I just hope she doesn't completely destroy this person.

True, she will always be her own enemy. She has all this regret about the way she lived her life. But she doesn't seem interested in getting off her ass and changing anything. I have a friend who went back to school at 43 and is on her way to becoming a marine biologist. Z seems to think she's too old to make any positive changes in her life. I mean yea... if her dream was to be a pro athlete or a supermodel, ok, she's too old to make that happen. But there aren't many jobs that demand youth and perfect health. She really wanted to get back into being a chef, since that was her passion. But she wouldn't actually go an apply for jobs in that field. And the city we live in has a lot of upscale restaurants. She really could have flourished. She holds herself back. She has the talent to do the things she wants but she wants to stay down and continue being a victim. She projected so much of her self hate onto me. I don't think she actually wants to fully transition, even. She doesn't commit to her transition like other trans people I know. She only takes her hormones sporadically. She presents as masculine about 95% of the time and then gets mad when someone calls her he or sir. She makes appointments with doctors for things involving her transition and then doesn't go to them. She acts so upset that her dead name is still on her driver's license, but has made zero effort to legally change her name. She came out 8 years ago. She's had ample time to change her name. And then she would turn around and yell at me for not wanting her to transition. Man... I think I wanted her to transition more than anyone because I just wanted her to be happy. And I know this probably doesn't make sense. But she is the first to scream transphobia at any perceived slight. But I think deep down she a transphobic. I think she doesn't like what she is and instead of just admitting that she projects it onto everyone else so she can play the victim. And to me, her life was so interesting. She was a chef in New Orleans at a high end Cajun bistro. She was in multiple bands. She's been all over the country. To me, she was the one who lived an interesting and inspiring life. I felt like I was the boring one in the relationship. I felt like she was so out of my league. I wondered what I did to get such an amazing partner. But... now that I'm distant enough to see what she really is, she can't keep a job. She doesn't keep friends. She has a shaky relationship with her family. Since we broke up there have been 4 relationships that I know of. And those are just the ones I know of. I don't stalk her facebook, etc. The only reason I know about the relationship she's currently in is because her SO and I have like 38 mutual friends. Her SO has come up on my suggested friends list and their profile pic is them kissing Z. And the other ones I know about because she told me when we were still talking. So yea... that is a valid point. She hates herself and probably will always hate herself. She pushes everyone away. And I also like the diabetic analogy. For a while I blamed myself for her drinking because L has a drinking problem and L was always encouraging Z to drink more. But again... how's that my fault? I didn't force booze down anyone's throat. I guess I should also be proud of myself for not developing my own drinking problem in all that. Because both my parents and two of my grandparents and several of my aunts/uncles are alcoholics. Neither Z or L have alcoholic parents. I was probably the most at risk and I stuck to my boundaries. I remember one of the last nights we were together, Z was outside all trashed slurring her words, and she was being nasty to me because she was in one of her mean drunk moods. Her teeth were all gross because she hadn't brushed them in days. And she was in dirty sweatpants and her hair was all messy. And she was going off on me about something in my backyard, and she tripped and fell down the embankment behind my house and rolled into the creek. It's only like a 5 foot embankment, and it's not that steep. So she didn't hurt herself or anything, but she got soaked. But she's all drunk yelling at me and looking like hell one minute and then she's rolling down the embankment the next. I know I shouldn't but looking back at that it's actually pretty funny. Maybe the next time I feel angry I should just think about that.

I'm stuck now on the idea that a big thing will be made about me making that character male. I know this reply isn't directed at anyone, etc. I'm just dumping a few things here to get them out of my head. It pisses me off that I was painted as a transphobic monster after she left when in reality I was probably her biggest supporter. Most of her family wasn't supportive of her transitioning. She lost friends when she came out, etc. She would flip so many things around. I remember we were talking about the plastic surgery she wanted on her face. And she asked me how I would feel about it. I told her I want her to have the face she wants. But I will also be a little sad when she gets it because the face she had then was the face I fell in love with. Ok... well of course it was twisted around into me not wanting her to get the surgery. Ok... I was all for it. What I'm not allowed to miss her old face? She was drop dead gorgeous. She would want me to dress up more for her, so I would and then get yelled at because I'm flaunting my female body and rubbing it in her face that I have what she doesn't have. But then if I didn't dress up and just wore jeans , etc, then it was, "Why don't you ever want to look nice for me?" One night while she was at work our other roommate had a friend over who started making fun of my ex and calling her an it. I told him if he's going to refer to her as an it he can leave. We don't talk about her that way in my house. Our other roommate thought him calling her it was hilarious and it was me who defended her. But after we broke up, she's blabbing all over town about what a massive transphobe I am and how our other roommate was so supportive of her. The perceived transphobia was the root of why some long term friends stopped being friends with me. It pisses me off so much that she convinced so many people that I was so against her transitioning and that I hate trans people, etc. She's so good at playing the victim. And in our society, people usually side with the more attractive person. She's very good looking. I'm ugly. There seems to be this idea that hot people are automatically good people because they're hot. Oddly enough though, all the long term friends who sided with her and were really nasty to me have come back around and apologized and tried to be my friend again. I've ignored them all. And I'm guessing based on the fact that they came back around trying to get me back as a friend, that they aren't friends with her anymore either. These were people who had known me for years and only met her through me. I just wish there was some justice for the fact that I ended up being the villain in this story when there was no evidence to back it up.