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Cynder

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Cynder last won the day on August 23 2022

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  1. Holy hell... I had no idea killing off a character could be such a punch to the gut. I've known this person was going to die since chapter 3. And I already wrote this death in the first draft. But I really beefed up the brutality in the latest draft that I'm sending to my editor. I did not expect to have such an emotional reaction to writing his death scene. I sat here in my office and cried for a few minutes after writing it. And I guess it's even more messed up that this character is an absolute scumbag. He is one of the main antagonists of the story. He's a pedophile and a psychopath. I cried when the guy who sexually abused me died, too. That's something even I don't understand. He was a family member. He had a big part in raising me and my siblings. He was a talented artist and he was really funny. He also was the only person that seemed to understand what I felt when my dad died. And those were the things I cried for, I didn't cry because a child molester died. He wasn't born a child molester. And he was molested too as a kid. So, it was more like grieving for the part of him that was good. Because I don't think anyone is pure evil or pure good. So, this is a character that I created, and I've known from the beginning that he would die by the end of the book. But for some reason... his death really hit a nerve in me. I didn't base him on my abuser, at least not consciously. But everything a creative person experiences goes into their work at some point, even trivial things. My nephew makes an appearance in this novel. He's a background character. But he's in there. D's dog is in this novel, too. This dog was stolen, unfortunately. So I immortalized him by putting him in my book. Anyway... got to get some painting done before work.
  2. I guess my personal experience has to do with it. I've been doing this for ten years. I don't know a single person who hires other people to sell for them at events. But that's just me.
  3. SFM could have gone a lot better... Not the worst show I've ever done but far from the best show. When I was all set up and people started coming through the door, the very first customer who came to my booth took one look at me and the first thing she says is, "Where's D?" I said, "He's not here." She said, "Is he coming later?" Me: "No." Here: "That sucks. I got excited when I saw you were here because I figured he would be here too." Wow... I really hope that doesn't set the stage for the rest of the season. Nothing like feeling invisible right off the bat. And it wasn't even, "Hi, how are you? Is D here?" She just took one look at my booth and asked me where he was. And her tone was rude when she asked. And then throughout the day, just about every customer, "So who's artwork is this?" Or some variation of that. Idk... when I walk into a booth and there's only one person there I assume that person is the artist. Maybe people have this idea that artists are rich and just hire peons to sell their work at events or something. But last year, one of the first questions I was asked was who makes my prints and then this woman said something like, "Wow, I didn't know you could just print other people's work out from the internet and sell it for money." I don't know which was worse... Someone assuming I'm basically committing fraud or someone who is only concerned about seeing my ex. There's been such a change in this line of work since the pandemic. Customers expect free stuff. And some of the new people who just became part of the scene are really entitled and rude. At least the other vendors who do SFM are all cool people.
  4. Exactly. Nothing is going to come of it if we aren't both ready to talk about it. And as of now, things are fine between him and I. The times he has tried to bring it up, I have told him we'll talk about that when the time is right, but I can't right now. He hasn't pushed it. People here are calling him weak because he called himself a coward. I don't consider that weak. He is one of the most self aware people I've ever met. Most recovered addicts are very self aware. It's something that comes with the territory. They have to be aware of the destruction they are causing to want to get clean in the first place. And then while going through recovery they have to do all this reflection on all the time they hurt people, etc. If he is a coward, at least he was strong enough to own being a coward. Art and writing are going great. Tonight is literally the last night of the off season. I need to be up and on the road by 6AM tomorrow. The off season flew by this year. Everything is all loaded up (had to load up in the rain, that's always fun, lol.) But tomorrow is the day.
  5. He says his meds are straightened out now. Because aside from his sister, a change in meds played a part in this too. But he could say anything. He also didn't think there was anything wrong when he was on the problematic meds. So it's easy for him to say everything is fine with the meds. He isn't observing himself through others' eyes. The only thing thay can convince me that his meds are helping now is time. And enough time hasn't passed. The conversation that needs to happen hasn't happened yet. But that is 100% on me. I know that's my issue to work on. I'm the one hiding from it. He has tried and I keep shutting it down. Expectations can cause problems in relationships, even platonic ones. And I am not even 100% sure what I expect from him because I don't know what he can give. He struggles a lot with his mental health. Not like that's an excuse, but I can't expect perfectly well-adjusted healthy behavior from someone who isn't healthy. Like with me having OCD, if one of my friends expected me to never show symptoms and they refused to be friends with me if I did, then I guess I couldn't be friends with that person. I can keep myself in check about 98% of the time, but there's that other 2% where I can't. Wow, let's see how many times I can use a % in one post, lol.
  6. This is an old thread that I bumped. He sent the message you're talking about two months ago. Honestly, some people might say it takes a strong person to admit they are a coward. Someone admitting they were a coward doesn't make them weak, in my opinion. Do I want a weak person in my life? Well, I don't expect anyone in my life to be 100% perfect 100% of the time. That's a standard I can't even live up to. I'm disabled. A lot of people would say that makes me weak. No one wants to admit it, but sadly in our society disabled people are seen as weak people. And, everyone is strong in certain situations and weak in other situations. I have no plans on finding a man, or woman, or anyone at this point. I like being single way too much to give it up. You didn't come off harsh. You just seem to be missing some of the facts. You keep referring to a two month old text message and not taking anything else into consideration.
  7. The human experience comment was in response to someone saying I'm just as much to blame here. I don't see blame as a factor. Two people broke up and then started talking again four months later... something that happens all the time. So why is blame being discussed? Yes, we both made the choice to start talking again. But I don't see it as both of us being to blame for anything. Blame is to assign responsibility for a fault or wrongdoing. I don't think either of us have done anything wrong in this situation. So there's no blame. Just my opinion.
  8. After all the things I've seen and experienced, I don't trust anyone anymore. Even now, this friendship I have with him is at arm's reach, at least on my end. The other night when he told me he still loves me I literally said, "Sweet dreams. And I know you do." And I left it that. I didn't say I love you too, even though that's how I feel. Because my wall is high. I'm working at a festival this weekend. He asked me which one/where. I didn't tell him because I don't want him showing up. He hasn't spoken to his family in over 20 years. Family as in parents and siblings. They are all still in Germany, where he grew up, and we are in the US. So, when you say his toxic family, you mean his pretend sister, who isn't related to him. He cut ties with her in October. But yea, I agree. That was a really toxic dynamic. I'm curious why you think he's a user. I'm not arguing, I'm genuinely asking, because I don't see that. He hasn't gotten anything out of me that users normally get from people. People use others for money.material things and sex mainly. I'm too broke to give him any money and he's asexual. I suppose he could be using people for validation. I don't see this as something to blame anyone for. It isn't about blaming him or blaming me or blaming both of us. We are two people who were friends, we became more than friends. We broke up. Now we are back to being friends, but there are still feelings there. That is just a human experience. It isn't about who's to blame. He is actually seeking professional help. He's in therapy. He is trying really hard to fix things with his son and with me. I really hope none of this comes off like I'm arguing because I don't disagree with everything you said. I am just keeping the facts straight (A lot of people here don't like that and are quick to call anyone defensive when they point out facts in a situation.) I have no plans of going back to him. I really would rather have him as a friend than an enemy, or as nothing at all. But I'm sticking to my boundaries. A couple weeks ago he wanted to get together. I told him no because I'm not ready for that. I keep our conversations friendly and don't play into it when he starts talking about certain things. Today he sent me an essay he wrote for a project he's working on and asked me what I thought. I told him. He reads my writing on a regular basis and gives me feedback. He also took two of the skunks to the vet today for shots, so we talked about that. I wouldn't say he is pulling me in and then tossing me aside, either. When we broke up we didn't talk for four months. We started talking around NYE and have been talking ever since. When he was banned from a festival and was really upset about it, he told me he needed to isolate for a little while and wasn't going to be social. And we didn't talk for like a week and a half. But he also told me he was isolating. So I don't see that as pulling someone in and tossing them aside. He never said "I love you but can't be with you." He wants to be with me. It's me that isn't letting that happen. I really hope this reply doesn't get me in trouble or piss anyone off. I'm just replying to what was said. And as stated before, I don't disagree with everything you said.
  9. The cab driver who brought me home from work this morning asked me "So are you still doing your art stuff?" I was polite and told her yes I am. But the question really annoyed me. It annoyed me because it implied that I would stop at some point. I hate when people talk about my business like it's a hobby. People don't get degrees for their hobby. People don't pay taxes on their hobby. Etc. I try to put myself in the shoes of the asker when a question annoys me. The truth is, most people don't get paid to do things they enjoy. And most people don't enjoy their job. So, a lot of people can't fathom anything fun being a job. If being a business owner ever comes up in conversation and the person doesn't know me well, they almost ALWAYS assume my business is an MLM. That really pisses me off. That's one where I can't put myself in the shoes of the person asking. Because to me when someone says they own a business, my mind doesn't automatically jump to trash like LulaRoe, Scentsy, Pure Romance, etc. I guess people have an image in their head of what a business owner is. And that image probably isn't a green haired, introverted, tattooed butterface with messed up eyes. Most people don't consider MLM people to be real business owners (because they aren't.) So that's probably why people assume that about me. They think there's no way this chick is a business owner. It's got to be a MLM. I hate assumptions. I try not to assume anything about anyone. But we all do it. I just don't say mine out loud. I hate when people look at me for two seconds and assume I'm a heavy drug user. I get that one a lot. And it doesn't even always involve looking at me. Multiple people here on ENA have assumed that about me over time. More than once, there's not a single word about drugs in my post, but I get replies from people telling me I should think about getting off drugs. I have people assume I have this mile long criminal record, too. That one has never happened here. But I get it in real life. I had someone tell me once when I was job hunting, "Oh so and so is hiring. Oh nevermind, they don't hire felons." Uh... where the hell is this felon thing coming from so out of the blue? Not the same but I was talking to a coworker once about needing to get something in my house fixed. And she's like, "Well you can apply for help with that at Community Action. Since you're low income you'll qualify for assistance." I just looked at her and was like, "I'm not low income. I make the same amount you do." I didn't say it in a snarky way or anything. And I knew what she made because we were hired at the same time and the HR guy who talked to us both at orientation told us everyone starts at the same rate, and he said what we were making out loud. And what we made wasn't considered low income at the time. Once again, I know I'm not perfect. But I really try to get all the facts before assessing a situation or making any comments about the way someone lives their life. I would never think someone is low income unless they told me they were. I would never assume someone is on drugs without them telling me they are, or seeing them use drugs. I mean, if I saw someone snorting blow off a table, ok, they're on drugs. Idk... I am not wired like most people though, when it comes to a lot of things. Not saying I'm some special snowflake. I just don't think like most people. I'm not even saying it's a good thing. I'm just saying it's different from the mainstream.
  10. My big box of magnets is arriving today. I'm so excited. And I can't wait to see how they do at SFM. SFM shows are hit or miss. Hopefully this one will be a good one. It will be hard to gauge how well the magnets do if they whole show just flops. The fall show was a let down, but that doesn't mean this one will be. The spring show last year was pretty good. I feel so unprepared... But SFM is a good way to roll into the season. It's an easy show. The setup is small. It's indoors. It's not one of the big ones. It's also only 6 hours on a Saturday. And it's always a fun one. Even if I don't make a lot. It's always a good time.
  11. He told me recently that she is dead to him. And the fact that it took that much for him to cut her out of his life is concerning, too. And I know I'm no one to talk. I've kept toxic people around for way too long in the past because I thought that was just the way everyone is. It took a lot for me to cut someone off. But no one ever caused the level of destruction on my life that she caused for him. He has told me more than once how much he regrets letting her ruin everything. Because she ruined his relationship with his son, too. She played the two of them off each other to the point where his son wants nothing to do with him now. And I'm not saying he had no part in it at all. He is ultimately responsible for his own actions. But she definitely influenced the situation and caused a lot of conflict between him and his son. She started trying that with me, too. But I knew what she was doing and didn't give her the reaction she wanted. I still have no idea how she got him to believe I had something to do with his niece running away. I have my suspicions that she faked some messages from me too about something else. Because he swears he saw messages from me to his sister that said something I know for a fact I never said. The whole subject is so sore for both of us right now that we haven't even had a real conversation about it. There have been two attempts one was pretty much him bringing it up, and then me completely unloading on him about it while he apologized over and over and over until I told him I was done talking about it and it wasn't up for discussion. (Not healthy, I know. But this conversation also started up when I was going to bed, and I was dead tired.) And the other attempt was basically both of us testing the waters, seeing how much we could handle talking about it without getting upset and then dropping it. I know it sounds dramatic, but what happened the night we broke up was a little traumatic for me. Just to have someone lobbing all these accusations at me out of nowhere like that. And then to have her start messaging me telling me what a POS I am and that I should do the world a favor and kill myself... And this is all over nothing. They are both convinced that I helped this girl run away and that I'm now hiding her at my house. So I'm sitting here wondering if the cops are about to come knocking at my door and want to search the place, etc. It brought back bad memories of being a kid and being accused of things I had nothing to do with, and nothing I said made a difference. The whole thing was scary. Anyway... this was way more than I was planning on saying when I first started typing this.
  12. Right. I mean, I have a few really good friends who I've been friends with since high school, and I think of them like siblings. Like, if something would happen to one of them it would feel like the death of a family member, etc. But I don't tell everyone they are my siblings. I don't introduce them as my brothers/sisters.
  13. Yea, I agree. He's made it so obvious he wants me back. But right now I wouldn't even consider it for that reason. This time it was his sister. But it could be anyone else next time. We've tried to talk about the situation with his sister, and he tells me she was manipulating him. Ok, that's obvious. But he doesn't seem very interested in figuring out why he was so easily manipulated. I mean, I saw through her from the beginning. I tried to get along with her because I'm clearly a bad judge of character and I figured I was just being paranoid. She caused so many problems between him and his husband, too. And his marriage is about to end. He might not realize that and it's not my place to tell him. But his husband told a good mutual friend of ours that he's getting all his ducks in a row and planning to leave. Right now they are both on a lease together, and he wants to leave as soon as the lease is up. Anyway, I have to leave. Got plans with my ice cream buddy.
  14. This sums it all up so well. It does feel like the Universe teased me. But at the same time, I know what is meant to happen will happen. This is obviously where we are supposed to be right now. Everything fits where it's supposed to fit like a puzzle. But even knowing that on a cosmic level doesn't make it easier on a human level (if that makes sense.) I know there's more to life than being in a relationship and I'm happy being single. But at the same time, he brought out all the best parts of me. People who have known me for decades said they never saw me so happy. My roommate and I were talking the other night and during that conversation he (my ex) texted me and my roommate told me as soon as I looked at my phone and saw it was him my face lit up. And some of our mutual friends who have known him for a long time even told me they had never seen him so happy that when we were together. His sister played a big part in our breakup. And she's out of the picture now. But she's not dead. She could always come back into the picture.
  15. I know this thread is old news now. It's been 6 months since this relationship ended. And I feel like in the last 6 months I've done a lot of reflecting, etc. But I am also someone who is always reflecting. Since I had a NDE almost 8 years ago, I've done so much work on myself and I've turned my life around in so many ways. I was really sick for a while at the end of 2023. I had a really bad sinus infection that wouldn't go away, and then I got Covid on top of that, etc. And the whole time I was sick and miserable, I wished he was here with me. This relationship is the one that I've had a really hard time letting go of. In the past, I was usually the dumper. I've only ever been broken up with twice. This was my only mutual breakup, ever. And since mental illness played such a huge part in it, I couldn't just blame him for everything either. I know when a relationship ends it's always both people's fault to a degree. But other factors like health, etc can end a relationship too. Me being disabled has caused problems in almost every relationship I've been in. And it's definitely not my fault that I'm disabled. I'm just using that as an example, but he is the only one who never had a problem with my disability. My business has also caused problems in all my relationships, except for this one. I've given art as gifts in past relationships (not every relationship, but a few of my exes got paintings that they didn't appreciate. One person I dated for 2 years got a painting for Christmas, he opened it at my house and never even took it home with him. I still have it, lol. But when my recent ex got a painting, he teared up, and hung it up in his living room immediately. And it's still there. So, there are things that set him apart from everyone else. It's more than this, these are just examples off the top of my head. We talk every day now, as friends. He is still my number one beta reader. He's the only person who has actually read my entire novel and given honest feedback. Last night we were talking, and he was about to go to sleep. And he sent me a text that said, "I'm scared to tell you this because of the possible repercussions, but I still love you. Well, I'm off to bed. Goodnight," I said, "Sweet dreams. And I know you do." I know my response could have been warmer. I honestly was just trying to answer him in a hurry because I was in the middle of doing several things at once. But I knew he felt that way. It was obvious. And the thing is, I still love him too. This situation is so frustrating. Two people who click so well and who love each other but are too messed up to be together. I think we are both better off single, honestly. So, no we aren't back together. But I feel like in a perfect would we would be. And this whole situation has me feeling so many ways. Loving someone and knowing they love you too is a good feeling. But it also sucks knowing we can't really be together, at least not now or probably any time soon. If anyone has any thoughts feel free to share. I just wanted to get this out. I could say more but I have to leave for work.
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